Chapter Text
Even though it had been years since Buck and Maddie cut contact, that didn’t make it any easier. Every time he heard her voice over the radio at work it was like the wound had been ripped open again, a reminder of what he’d lost.
He still didn’t know what Howard had told his sister to get her to not invite him to the wedding but he knew it had to be bad, because he and Maddie had stuck together through thick and thin in the past but that had all changed.
It had been even longer since he’d had any contact with Howard, other than their brief run in at Maddie’s front door, which felt worse than if he’d never seen him again.
And then learning that Howard had been promoted even after everything, even though his new (well not new any more he supposed) Captain was well aware of the circumstances around Howard's transfer. Because Howard had done all of the mandated therapy and anger management and Captain Cuenca clearly deemed him trustworthy enough to take on more responsibility.
Look, Buck knew that Howard was a good paramedic and firefighter, so he deserved the promotion, but he had also punched Buck and shown little remorse. And Buck wasn’t calling the Captain’s decision into question, because although he’d never worked with him he had a very good reputation and was clearly good at his job, but it did confuse him, Howard had almost lost his job but instead he’d been given a promotion.
He’d only found out about the promotion because Maddie had mentioned it in passing when talking about the engagement ring, acting like it was no big deal or something she’d expected Buck to already know.
And then Maddie had outright told him he wasn’t invited to the wedding. It was something he knew would be complicated, what with Howard being there and the elder Buckleys, people Buck had nothing to do with any more, but that didn’t mean being told not to come didn’t hurt.
“I want everything to go back to how it was.” Buck sighed, relaxing into Athena’s side.
“I know, but there’s nothing that can be done, what’s happened’s happened, but that’s not on you.” She reassured him.
Buck shook his head, “I could’ve fixed this, I could’ve made everything better but I didn’t and now it’s all well and truly fucked.”
“Oh Buckaroo, I’m sorry but we both know that wasn’t up to you, it was Howard who started all of this, and it’s only Howard who could’ve fixed this.”
“But-”
“He’s the one who hurt you and chose not to apologise and change his ways.”
“But if I’d just sucked it up I’d be invited to the wedding and everything would be back to normal.”
Athena squeezed Buck’s hands, “We both know that isn’t true.”
She felt Buck nod against her shoulder, “Yeah, but I want things to be the way they were. I want to go to the wedding so badly. I-I mean, I was the person who walked her down the aisle at her first wedding, her parents didn’t even bother showing up. I was the one who was there for her, you know? But now I’m a complication, a logistical thing to figure out to stop any conflict. I’m not her brother anymore.”
When Maddie had brought her parents back into her life, Buck had made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with them, something that Maddie had respected, making sure they weren’t in the same place at the same time. But Maddie wanted Jee-Yun to know at least one set of grandparents and they were the only option. Besides they’d been working on their relationship and from what he could tell things had greatly improved, but that didn’t mean he wanted to get involved in the ‘family bonding time’.
There was no fixing his childhood, how they’d treated him for years, and he’d come to terms with that. Besides, he had Bobby and Athena now, who treated him with love and kindness, things he’d never gotten from Phillip and Margaret.
He also didn’t like the way they talked about Chris, how they insisted he was Maddie’s son, not Buck’s. Even though Maddie had carried Chris and they’d used her egg she’d signed away all maternal rights at birth and stood by the fact that she was Chris’ aunt. It had been decided that they weren’t even going to tell Chris that Maddie was his biological mother until he was much older, another thing he knew his biological parents disagreed with.
So really, keeping them out of his life shouldn’t have been a discussion in the first place, because Buck was certain it was a given. But that didn’t stop Maddie from trying, wanting to play happy families.
Buck and Maddie were sitting in the park together, takeaway coffees in hand as they watched Jee on the playground having fun with some of the other kids that were there.
“So, how’s dispatch?” Buck asked, breaking another bout of awkward silence, something that was becoming increasingly more frequent between the two of them.
“It’s good, busy, but good.” She replied before the silence returned. But after a minute Maddie took a deep breath, clearly psyching herself up to say something. Buck knew not to rush her so he just kept watching Jee, but eventually his sister was ready to break the news, “So, I’ve been speaking to Mum and Dad.”
“Oh.” Buck hadn’t been expecting that.
“I wanted to patch things up with them, you know, after the disaster that was their visit when I was pregnant with Jee.”
“Disaster is an understatement.” Buck grumbled before taking a sip of his rapidly cooling coffee.
Maddie sighed, “I still want Jee to have at least one set of grandparents, and we both know they’re the only option, but they’re willing to put the work in, and so are me and Howie. I was wondering, would you want to join us?”
“You mean patch things up with Phillip, Margaret and Howard?” He scoffed.
“Buck, don’t be rude.” Maddie scolded, “It could be good for you. You know, they’re our parents and you and Howie used to be so close. Besides, I think you owe him an apology, you owe all of them an apology.”
Buck let out a bitter laugh, “Howard hates me and Phillip and Margaret only wanted me for spare parts, no amount of apologising is going to fix that.”
“You don’t know that, can’t you at least try?”
Buck sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, before dropping his hands and head, “They all blame me for things that are now set in stone. I didn’t save Daniel and there’s no changing that, and Howard chose to stay at the 142 because after everything that happened no one will treat him the same.”
“Oh, come on Buck, you know that isn’t true.”
“But it is.” He snapped, “There’s no changing what happened.” Buck took a second to collect himself, taking a few deep breaths, “I don’t want anything to do with Phillip and Margaret, okay? They treated me like shit my whole life. I wasn’t their son, I was a failed medical device, a defective donation bank, and there’s no changing that. Even if we do ‘work on it’ there’s no getting rid of that underlying resentment they have for me-”
“They don’t resent you, Buck.”
“But they do. They weren’t perfect with you, I know, but at least you have some good memories of them, I don’t, so I don’t have some idealised version of them in my head-”
“I don’t have an idealised version of them, I got shit from them too.” Maddie reminded him, a slight bite in her tone.
“And I’m not denying that, but you’re the one always saying ‘they’re good people, just bad parents’, I never got to see them as good people though, not like you did. You had them back when they were happy, before Daniel died, I came along after grief fucked them up. I’m really happy that you want to patch things up with them, really, I am. But I can’t do the same.” Buck told her, leaving no room for argument.
“What about Howie then?” Maddie asked, shifting to the second relationship she wanted Buck to mend.
Buck sat up, letting out an unimpressed huff, “Even if I wanted to fix things I couldn’t. He stayed away because the 118 sided with me.”
“Come on, you know he would accept the apology, and you could talk to the 118 and get them to be nice to him again. He chose to leave so things wouldn’t be awkward, he did a selfless thing but I know he’d love to go back to the 118 if he could, and you can make that happen. You owe it to him.” To this day Buck still didn’t know what Howard had told Maddie, what version of events he’d told her, all he knew was that he was the bad guy in the story and Howard left the 118 willingly to keep the peace, but that was the opposite of what had happened. But Buck wasn’t going to correct his sister, she loved Howard and he couldn’t get between that so he’d always just go with it. Maddie couldn’t know that Howard had punched him, or if she knew about the punch then he needed her to keep thinking Howard was justified in it. Maddie couldn’t be in a position where she could find similarities between Howard and Doug, Buck couldn’t let that happen.
“I can’t do that Mads, I can’t undo what happened.”
“But you haven’t even tried.” She protested, “At least talk to him and see if there’s anything you can do.”
“Trust me, there’s nothing I can do.”
“Please, at least try to patch things up with him. Because if you two smooth things over we can come back to 118 family get togethers, wouldn’t that be nice?”
“It-it would be, but this isn’t about just me and Howard anymore, the whole of the 118 are involved.”
Maddie huffed, clearly frustrated, “Then talk to them and fix this, Howie doesn’t deserve this.”
Buck didn’t know how to respond to that, because he didn’t want to fuck Howard over by exposing his lie, for Maddie’s sake. If he’d known what Howard was saying about him then he’d be able to play along, happy to be the bad guy if it kept their family together, but he couldn’t play the villain when he didn’t know what he’d done in the first place.
So in the end he just settled for, “I know, but it’s too late.”
“Buck-”
“Have you ever considered that maybe I don’t want to fix things with him?” He snapped.
Maddie couldn’t stop herself from gasping at that, “Evan-”
“Buck.” He corrected.
Maddie deflated, “Sorry, Buck. But seriously, Howie was your friend, I know you still care about him, so fix things, he deserves it.”
Buck had had enough of this conversation, knowing it was turning into a scolding from his big sister, so he necked the last of his coffee and stood, “Look, I should go, but it was lovely seeing you.” He gave Maddie a hug before going over to the playground, saying goodbye to Jee and then leaving.
Buck knew that Howard had convinced Maddie that he was the reason he had left the 118, and that he’d told her he’d moved houses willingly. Buck got it, he did, Howard wanted to keep his family together, but in the process he’d slowly built a rift between the Buckley siblings.
A rift that only grew with each meeting the two of them had.
“I was shocked to hear that Howie moved to the 142.” Maddie said, trying to keep it nonchalant, treating it like a throw away comment, but Buck could see it for what it really was.
Howard was the kind of guy who stuck things out, Buck was the people pleaser. So Maddie obviously thought it should’ve been Buck who’d moved houses, not her boyfriend. Because Buck was the kind of guy who would do anything to make other people’s lives easier, even moving to another fire house, but he hadn’t, Howard had.
Well, Howard hadn’t actually chosen to move houses, Bobby had forcefully transferred him, no longer trusting him to be a member of the 118 when he’d punched Buck. Bobby had given him the chance to patch things up, to apologise and show that he regretted his actions and wouldn’t do it again. But Howard hadn’t done that, giving off the impression that he didn’t see the severity of his actions or that he thought he was justified in his actions, and Bobby didn’t want someone like that in his firehouse, so he’d sent him away.
All things considered it was a pretty mild punishment given Bobby could’ve fired him, but it was a punishment none the less.
“Yeah, well, sometimes people surprise you.” Buck replied, shrugging, letting some of his bitterness about the punch out.
“He’s settling well at the 142 though, although I think he’d rather be with the 118 still.” She let out a small, awkward chuckle.
Buck couldn’t miss the implications, what she was really saying. But what was Buck supposed to say in response to that? What was he supposed to say to placate his sister, to end the conversation without being suspicious? In the end all that came out was a shy, “Yeah.”
“There’s some very nice firefighters there though, and they’re just as busy as the 118 so it’s not been too much of a shock to the system.”
“That’s nice.” Buck mumbled.
Maddie sent him a pointed look, “But it’s still not the 118, especially considering he’d been there for years. We haven’t seen much of Hen since the transfer, Howie won’t say why though.”
“That’s a question for Howard or Hen.”
“He was one of the people who’d been at the 118 the longest, it’s a shame to see him so separated from it all.”
Buck huffed, beginning to get frustrated with his sister, she was usually so direct but right now she was saying anything but what she was really thinking, “Look, Maddie, I don’t know what you want me to say, he moved stations but that wasn’t my choice so I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”
“I’m just airing my thoughts.” She said, her voice bordering on snappy.
“Well, it feels like you want more from me.” Buck couldn’t stop himself from getting riled up, matching her tone.
“I want you to tell me what’s going on, why it was Howie who moved stations.”
“Why don’t you ask him, he’s the one who moved.”
“No, I want your side of the story, Buck, I’ve already got his. So tell me, why did he move?”
“Yeah, I’m not having this conversation.”
Buck knew that having Howard, Margaret and Phillip whispering in Maddie’s ear was just making their relationship worse, and that was solidified when Josh told him that Maddie was talking about being pregnant with her third child.
Maddie had never referred to Chris as her child, he’d always been her first pregnancy and her nephew, but never her child. But now she’d changed her tune and he knew that was because of Phillip and Margaret.
Ever since they’d learnt about Chris Maddie’s parents had been insistent on him being Maddie’s son and for years Maddie had sided with Buck and Eddie, making it clear that that wasn’t the case.
But that had all changed somewhere down the road, because now Chris was her first child, Jee was her second, and baby number three was on the way. And in all honesty, that scared Buck.
For years Eddie’s parents had been trying to get them to move to Texas or send Chris to live with them, and now with the Buckley’s and the Han’s insistent on Chris being their first born, there were four more people who could potentially fight for custody of the young boy.
And there weren’t strong grounds for Chris to be taken from them but if they played their cards right it could happen. Because with the right judge they could see the footage of Buck in Norway and decide that that meant Chris was in an unsafe home environment even though that was over ten years ago. And with Howard able to testify that Buck was the one who’d killed Jeffery Hudson that could sway the judge even further.
Yes, Buck knew the chances of that were extremely slim but that didn’t stop the fear from being there.
“Buck, they can’t take Chris.” Eddie reminded him, voice calm as his husband spiralled, “Maddie signed away maternal rights, she doesn’t have grounds to take him, and you’re estranged from the Buckley’s.”
“That doesn’t mean they won’t try.” Buck huffed, running his hands through his hair.
Eddie stepped in front of Buck and took his wrists, gently removing his hands from his hair, “Hey, worst case scenario your parents take him whilst we deal with the situation, you’re legally adopted and in our wills they’re down as the people who’ll take Chris should anything happen to us. If he’s removed from our home he’s going to them. But I promise you that won’t happen.”
“Eddie-”
“Buuuck, you’re spiralling and it’s not healthy.”
Buck stepped back, pulling away from Eddie’s grip, “I know it’s not healthy, but we might lose our son.”
“But we won’t, there’s nothing they can do, they have no rights to him and no grounds for him to be taken.” Eddie walked back over to his husband and pulled him into his arms, Buck immediately melting into the embrace, holding him back, “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
Jee-Yun not knowing who he was had cut like a knife, it felt like a gut punch with brass knuckles, like being shot in the head and struck by lightning and having his leg cut off all in one go. Jee’s innocent ‘who was that’ playing through his mind on a loop.
Obviously he hadn’t seen Jee in almost a year, but before that it had only been sporadic meetings. And a huge chunk of their meetings had been before she was able to form memories, so to her he had just been someone who visited every now and again, a family friend she called ‘Uncle Buck’.
So it wasn’t surprising that she didn’t remember who he was, even if it did hurt.
“Who was that?” Jee asked. But what was Maddie supposed to say as she stood there, watching Buck walk away.
Thankfully Howie answered for her, “That’s just someone I used to work with.”
“Then why is everybody sad and angry?”
“Because he’s not a very nice man.” Howie explained, crouching down to his daughter’s level, “He wasn’t very nice to me or Mummy.”
Jee frowned, saddened by the mystery man's treatment of her family, “Why?”
“Sometimes people are mean because they can be, they don’t always need a reason.”
Maddie crouched down next to Howie, “He’s gone now, so we don’t need to think about him anymore, okay?”
Jee seemed happy enough with that so smiled at her parents, “Okay, can we have cake now?”
Maddie chuckled at that, she really was her fathers daughter, “Soon.”
The 118 and 142 were on opposite sides of the city so they weren’t supposed to have any interaction but the 118 had been invited to the annual LAFD gala, multiple of them receiving awards.
Buck wasn’t the biggest fan of these types of events but he was one of the people whose attendance was compulsory, what with him getting an award. So he didn’t have a choice.
Buck and Eddie walked into the hotel ballroom side by side, looking equally as smart in their dress uniforms. The pair took each other's hands and squeezed before letting go, a quick display of solidarity before they went to find their table.
Hen, Ravi, Bobby, Athena, May, Karen and Ravi and May’s dates were already sat around the table, Buck and Eddie the last to arrive.
“Sorry we’re late.” Eddie apologised, “This one took way too long to get ready.” He joked, throwing a thumb at Buck, getting a chuckle out of everyone at the table.
“Better late than never.” Bobby said, giving Buck’s shoulder a squeeze once his son was sat.
“I wish I could say they’re never normally this late,” Athena told May and Ravi’s dates, “But this is actually early for them.”
“You’d think they’d be punctual given they’re both ex-military but it’s like they forgot everything as soon as they were demobbed.” May added. Buck stuck his tongue out at his sister who retaliated in kind.
Before the Grant-Nash siblings could begin to bicker Eddie stepped in, “So May, are you going to introduce us?”
“Right, Buck, Eddie, this is my girlfriend Steph.” She indicated the woman she was sitting with, “Steph this is my brother Buck and his husband Eddie, they’re also members of the 118.”
“I’ve heard lots about you, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“Likewise.” Buck replied with a smile but it quickly turned into a wicked smirk, “I will be giving you the shovel talk later though.”
Thankfully they already knew Ravi’s partner, Alfie, as the pair had recently got engaged and Alfie had been coming to 118 get togethers for years now.
A comfortable chatter encompassed the table and food was eventually served. The atmosphere was good, and even in a room full of hundreds of people it felt warm and intimate, the small family tuning out the rest of the world.
But it was as Buck excused himself to go to the toilet after dessert that everything went to shit.
He was halfway to the bathrooms when he saw Maddie heading his way. Buck froze, this was the first time he’d seen her since their fight at dispatch five years ago.
Clearly Maddie was also surprised to see him as she froze up too.
The pair analysed each other, taking in how much had changed over the last five years.
Maddie was heavily pregnant again, a hand cradling her belly, and her hair was immaculately done and clearly dyed as it was a deeper brown then was natural for her. She looked stunning in a calf length, burgundy, off the shoulder dress.
But what was he supposed to say to her? Was he supposed to say anything to her? He felt like he should, it was only polite, but last time they’d seen each other she’d told him to never come near her again, and he didn’t know what the protocol was here. His mouth flapped open and closed for a minute, his brain buffering.
Maddie crossed her arms, glaring at him, “So? Are you going to say anything?” She asked.
“Uh, y-you, you look well.” He eventually managed to stutter out, “Congratulations.” He awkwardly pointed at her belly.
“Thank you.” She huffed, clearly not actually thankful for the well wishes, “You’re looking old.”
Buck chuckled awkwardly, “Yeah, going a bit grey already.” He tried to joke, referencing the grey streak that now sat in the very front of his hair.
With pleasantries done Maddie just walked off, heading back into the ballroom, “Are you here with Howard?” He called after her, but Maddie didn’t reply.
As soon as she was out of view Buck deflated, running his hands down his face. After a minute he continued his journey to the bathroom. Thankfully it was empty when he arrived so he braced his hands against the sink, head bowed as he tried to regulate his breathing.
He couldn’t believe Maddie was here, it did make sense considering her husband was a firefighter, and a good one at that, but that still didn’t mean he wasn’t caught off guard by it. He felt bad for the fact that seeing Maddie made him feel like shit, for so many years she’d been his rock but all of that had changed years ago, and seeing her was still hard.
But eventually he managed to pull himself out of his thoughts. He did his ablutions, washed his hands and then headed back out, hoping he didn’t bump into Maddie, or God forbid, Howard.
“Hey, are you alright?” Eddie asked, noticing how off Buck was as soon as he returned from the bathroom.
“I saw Maddie.” He muttered, staring down at the table in front of him.
“Shit, are you okay?”
“I-I don’t know.” Buck replied honestly, “She’s pregnant again.”
But before they could get into it the lights dimmed and the awards ceremony began. Chief Simmons began by saying a few words before he began announcing awards.
It was slow going as there were a fair few but eventually the 118 were called up and given their medals before returning to their table.
But eventually they got to the final one, ‘Captain of the year’.
Buck zoned out as Chief Simmons began to go on about what it takes to be a good Captain, the traits that make them a winner of that award. But he zoned back in as the Chief said, “I am honoured to award Captain Howard Han Captain of the year.” There was a round of applause from the rest of the room as Howard took to the stage, but Buck was frozen. Obviously he knew Howard was there, but he hadn’t known he was a Captain now, nor had he known he’d won what was quite possibly the most prestigious award a firefighter could get.
“Thank you Chief Simmons.” Howard said, smiling at the Chief before looking out at the crowd, “It’s an honour and a privilege to be here-”
But Buck didn’t hear any of what the man was saying, instead there was a ringing in his ears as the words ‘Captain Howard Han’ looped around his head. He watched Howard's lips move, his vision honing in on them but he didn’t hear a word that came out of them.
Suddenly the world snapped back into view, the ringing leaving his ears, but somehow what he heard Howard saying was even worse.
“I won’t pretend it was an easy journey getting to this point, I’ve had my share of struggles.” He’d managed to locate Buck in the audience, making direct eye contact as he said that, “It’s taken hard work to get to this point, but I persevered and came out a better and stronger man for it, and this award is proof of that.” He then went back to looking at the rest of the audience, “I am so honoured to have achieved something so monumental, it’s proof that the hard work and hurdles have been worth it. Thank you.” And then he left the stage.
And with that the dance floor was opened.
“Buck!” Eddie called out, chasing after his husband who’d made a beeline out of the ballroom, “Buck, wait!” But he didn’t, “Come on man, let’s talk about this.”
Thankfully that stopped him, Buck turning to Eddie to reveal a face of utter devastation.
“He looked me right in the eye.” Buck ground out, trying to hold back tears, “He looked me right in the eye so he could tell me he was better than me.”
“Buck, no-”
“He sees me as one of his struggles, when it was him who hurt me.”
Eddie closed the gap and pulled his husband into his arms, “I know, but you’ve got to remember, he’s living in a delusion, one he built years ago, of course he’s going to see it that way. But that’s nothing to do with you.”
“He’s a Captain Eddie, after everything he still managed to become a Captain and he’s winning awards for how great he is, it’s not fucking fair.”
“I know it isn’t bud.” Eddie rubbed his back, “But there’s nothing we can do about it, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I know, still pissed off though.” Buck grumbled.
Eddie turned his head to press a kiss to his husband’s temple, “And that’s okay, you’re allowed to be pissed off about it.”
“Thanks.” Buck huffed before pulling out of the embrace.
Eddie leant in and gave him a kiss on the lips, “He may have the award but we’re the ones who came out on top, because we’ve got our family and the 118, don’t forget that.”