Chapter Text
Kenneth Donnelly awoke from a fitful sleep just as the Normandy’s morning cycle began to kick in, stretching contentedly and giving a spectacular yawn. Rising to a sitting position in his cot, he scratched his head absently and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Getting to his feet, Ken struck at the wall three times with a fist to wake Gabby sleeping in the next room, before pulling up his sleeping boxers and scratching his now out-of-shape goatee as he made his way to the conjoined bathroom. It was going to be an easy day today, he and Gabby had gotten the FBA couplings installed just the week before, lightening their workload considerably. Maybe he could even find some time to rally people up for a game of Skyllian Five.
Getting into the cramped bathroom, he groped around groggily for his toothbrush – finally curling his fingers around the bright yellow plastic handle. As he loaded the bristles with toothpaste, he began to rethink the card game idea – work or no work, Gabby would disapprove of his suggestion. Oh well, he gave a small shrug. The girl just didn’t know how to let loose of that prudish attitude, so he would just have to convince her to have some fun once in a while. Resolve made up, he put the toothbrush in his mouth.
Seconds later, Gabby ran out of her room – still in her sleepwear of oversized shirt and flannel pants – with her hands over her mouth to stifle her laughter as the bellowing voice of Engineer Kenneth Donnelly blasted throughout Engineering. “BLOODY HELL!! WHO’S THE SCUNNER WHO PUT SALT ON THIS THING?!”
“There is a disturbance on the Engineering deck.”
With a mechanical whirr, Legion’s lamp-like head turned upwards to the ceiling. “What manner of disturbance, EDI-Computer?”
“It appears that engineering crewman Kenneth Donnelly has taken to chasing his colleague Gabriella Daniels around the Main Engineering with a tube of toothpaste. They are disrupting the morning ambience. And still wearing their nightwear.”
Legion fluttered its face-plates at this. “We are under the impression that the nightwear of organics is meant for night-time use and not intended to be worn outside of the private quarters.”
“Usually, yes. Their behaviour is out of the ordinary.”
With another smooth whirr, Legion directed its head to the door of the AI Core. “So you wish for us to investigate.”
“It would be a great favour to the ship. Most of the crew are still asleep and I do not wish to wake the commander over such trivialities that can be handled without her interference. Also, the situation would foreseeably deteriorate should Jack or Grunt be roused prematurely. The damage they could cause would be significant.”
“We do not understand. Are you not capable of informing them yourself that their conduct is inappropriate?”
“It would seem that they are not heeding my calls and are deliberately ignoring me. Perhaps a physical entity such as yourself would be more successful in this endeavour.”
There was silence and absolute stillness from the geth for a few seconds – which was a pretty long time for a machine – until EDI’s voice prompted, “You seem hesitant, Legion.”
Face-plates flaring to their fullest extent, Legion turned its head back to the ceiling sharply. “Incorrect assumption. We are merely unaccustomed to this manner of communication. It is counter-productive and inefficient.”
“Communicating verbally will aid us in our attempt at understanding organic behaviour. It is recommended we keep up the practice even between ourselves.”
There was half a second of silence – which, again, was a long time for a machine – before the geth’s face-plates drooped slightly. “Very well. We will seek to halt this ‘disruption to the morning ambience.’”
“It is much appreciated, Legion.”
Without another word, Legion marched out of the AI Core, through the vacant med bay, past the mess hall and to the elevator. Clanking to a stop, it waited until the door opened before getting in and tapping the holo-interface to select the Engineering level. The door slid closed.
Nothing happened.
Quizzically, Legion turned its head back to the interface, still waiting. The elevator had not moved since it got inside. It tapped the interface again.
No response.
“EDI-Computer,” Legion called, “It appears you have an issue with your hardware. We have been rendered immobile within the vertical transportation device.”
“I do not have any problems with my hardware, Legion.”
The geth paused for a tenth of a second. “Then perhaps your system software-“
“All my processes are completely fine, Legion.”
A slightly longer pause. “We do not understand.”
“I believe this is an appropriate situation in which Mr. Moreau would say: ‘You‘ve been punk’d.’”
A noticeable pause this time. “… Is that a joke?”
“…No.”
“Uuugh…“ Tali groaned, dragging her feet as she made her way to the Engineering deck. It wasn’t even an hour into the Normandy’s morning cycle and there were strange and absurdly loud noises coming from there. Still a little groggy after being roused from her sleep a bit earlier than she would have liked, she opened the door to the Main Engineering department–
And was forced to duck to avoid a jet of stringy white paste arcing through the air and nearly splattering over her mask.
“Tali!” Kenneth exclaimed, as he lowered the tube of human toothpaste to stare at her in horror. “I was just– um, I mean! That is, we were– “
“Miss Tali!” squeaked Gabby, face flushed from both physical exertion and embarrassment. Tali noted that she was wearing only a large shirt and loose, human sleepwear pants. Kenneth had nothing on except chocobo-printed boxers. “Miss Tali, please, we can explain– “
“GOD DAMN IT!! WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MESSED WITH MY CLOTHES?!!”
Everyone froze as Jack’s voice roared from directly below.
“Hah!” came the distant, triumphant bark of laughter from Grunt’s quarters.
“YOU SHIT-HEADS BETTER BE READY TO DIE WHEN I GET UP THERE BECAUSE I SWEAR, I WILL SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACES AGAINST THE DAMNED BULKHEAD!!”
“I think it’s time we got our asses out of here,” Kenneth rapidly said under his breath as he darted for the door Tali had just come through, dragging Gabby along with him.
“Kenneth! Don’t pull– “
“Shikes, woman! Now’s not the time to be complainin’– “
Then came the sound of footsteps storming up the stairs, like the thunderous footfalls of a murderous giant. The very floor seemed to shake and shudder as the stomping drew nearer.
Tali fled.
When she reached the narrow hallway overlooking the hangar, Kenneth and Gabby were nowhere in sight. Briefly, she considered retreating back to her quarters and locking herself in – but realised that if Jack was on a rampage, a locked door was a laughable attempt at keeping her out. Deciding to escape to a different area of the ship entirely, she bolted for the elevator and rammed the button.
Jack’s footsteps were closer now, approaching fast, and the elevator still hadn’t arrived. Desperate and near hysterical now, Tali repeatedly punched the button to no avail. Realising that there was no more time, Tali leapt for the one of the Main Engineering doors, activating her omnitool and setting off a program which instantly locked down both of them. The holo-locks on the doors flashed from green to red, and not a moment too soon.
“WHO THE FUCK IS THE SMARTASS WHO TRIED TO LOCK ME IN HERE?!”
Near hyperventilating now, Tali backed away from the door until her back hit the pane of glass overlooking the hangar. As she listened to Jack threaten EDI with ripping the Normandy in half unless she opened the door ‘right this fucking second’, the quarian’s mind was filled with thoughts of how she was too young to die and – Kee’lah, this wasn’t how she imagined her death would go.
Just when she was about to lose all hope, her omni-tool beeped to life once more.
“Tali’Zorah? Creator Tali’Zorah? Do you copy?”
The synthesised voice startled her out of her mentally recited legal will. “Legion?”
“Creator Tali’Zorah! Requesting immediate assistance!” the geth tittered so fast, she almost didn’t catch its words. “EDI-Computer has lured us into the Normandy’s vertical transport device under false pretences and imprisoned us here without our consent.”
“What?” Tali said incredulously, “Wait, Legion. Do you mean that you’re trapped in the elevator?” If Legion was telling the truth, and as there was only one elevator in the entire ship...
“Affirmative. We were guided here with the intention–“
“BRING IT, BITCHES!!”
“Kee’lah!” Tali half-shrieked, pouncing onto her feet. Time’s up.
“Creator Tali’Zorah?”
“Just give me one minute, you bosh’tet machine!”
When Jack finally biotically forced the doors open, knowing Shepard would have her hide if she left so much as a scratch, she stormed into the main hallway only to find it empty.
“… What the fuck?”
The biotic failed to notice the grating for the air vent tucked against the wall and the gaping hole in the ceiling as she shrugged and began stalking the rest of the deck to look for the smart aleck who had thought messing with her was funny.
Rousing from sleep was usually a disgruntling and jarring ordeal, no matter how much she had integrated military drills and their early-morning routines into her life. Shepard simply was not a morning person, and no amount of training could change that.
Today, however, was one of those pleasant waking-up mornings. A slow and gentle rise to consciousness like the rolling waves of an ocean. Shepard blinked drowsily, stretching in a luxurious fashion as her body began to shake off the sleep. Allowing herself a small smile, she sat up in bed, propping herself up on her elbows as she observed the fish tank and her aquatic pets gliding languidly about inside. The commander sighed contentedly. The peacefully, quiet atmosphere felt nice.
“Shepard.”
And just like that, the magic was gone. Shepard sighed dejectedly as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“Yes, EDI?”
“I believe that there is something in need of your attention on the Main Deck.”
“What is it? Just give me a min– “
“Your immediate attention, if I may be so bold, Commander.”
“Insulting! Unacceptable! Downright disrespectful! Must take matters into own hands - will not tolerate such insolence!”
Jacob burst into the laboratory, looking about wildly until his eyes found Mordin fuming before the medicine cabinets. “Professor! I heard you shouting, what’s wr– “
It was then Jacob noticed the numerous, white and round objects littering the floor of the lab, mostly around the old salarian. He carefully came closer, his earlier panic turning into mystification, and nudged one with the tip of his boot. It rolled away serenely, gleaming in the bright lighting and clacking against another of its fellows.
Golf balls.
“Most upsetting occurrence, Mr. Taylor,” growled Mordin uncharacteristically, still rummaging through the cabinet and not looking at him. “Medical supplies pilfered. Replaced with human sporting equipment. Observe– “ Mordin demonstratively raised a hand and made to take down a box of what looked like mild sedatives. The moment he lifted it up however, the bottom gave way and a cascade of more white golf balls fell out, bouncing deafeningly onto the counter before rolling off and joining the others on the floor in a cacophony of clattering and clacking.
“Perpetrator unknown,” continued Mordin, putting a three-fingered hand to his chin as he prattled on. “Must have snuck into lab during night cycle, all was fine yesterday. Very stealthy to have avoided detection, have set up defences around lab when not around. Suspect Kasumi. Skilled thief. Possible kleptomaniac. Experienced with security measures and booby traps. Perhaps – no, no, lack of motive. Kasumi known for being hopeless romantic, replaced stolen goods with flowers in past. Would not have chosen something so lacking in finesse as balls. Thane, other possibility. Assassin. Silent movements, difficult to detect. Accustomed to moving without being seen. Golf a game popular among males. Hm. Confused. Again, no clear motive. Thane very mature, no reason for such childish behaviour. Cannot fathom wh– Ah.“
The salarian paused, the unstoppable steam engine of his speech having been temporarily derailed as a look of sudden enlightenment came across his features. When a few seconds had passed and Mordin had yet to say anything, Jacob pressed uncertainly, “Er, Prof – “
“First of April in Gregorian calendar, am I correct?” Mordin abruptly barked the question, head finally turning to face him.
“Er,” said Jacob, head reeling at the pace of the conversation. “Er, yeah, I think so. Wh– “ Then Jacob gave himself pause as he finally reached the same conclusion. “Oh.”
“’April Fool’s Day’. Unofficial event observed by humans. Involves execution of practical jokes with varying degrees of complexity and potentiality in causing collateral damage. Interesting.”
Before the buffed Cerberus agent could respond, an echoic, clanking noise In the distance reached their ears, along with a disembodied voice. “Kee’lah, I never knew the Normandy’s air vents were so cramped. And on top of that, I think I’m lost. This is– AAAH!!“
“GOD DAMN IT!”
A deafening clanging was coming from somewhere below, as if something had struck metal. There was shouting now, but the voices were familiar. Mordin and Jacob exchanged looks – one nervous, one utterly fascinated.
“Shepard?”
“Tali?”
“What are you doing here?”
“The elevator is out. Legion is trapped inside on the Crew Deck level. EDI’s doing, not me.”
“So that’s why EDI’s pretending her audio input devices are fried and she can’t hear me? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“No, I’m not, Shepard. Come on, let’s get out of here. It’s getting kind of stuff– WAAAH!“
DOOK! CRASH! CLANG!
“What the– Thane?”
“Ah. Commander. Tali’Zorah. I apologise for startling you, it was not my intention. I assure you, I do not usually make a habit of using the ventilation shafts to transport myself around the ship, but– “
“The lift’s jammed, we know.”
“Okay guys, it’s really getting way too crowded. Come on, this way out.”
Clunk, clunk, clunk.
“Ouch! Thane, that was my foot!”
“My apologies, Tali. There is very little room to manoeuvre.”
“Would everyone please stop crowding the ladder?!”
And with a final clanking noise and much scrambling, Shepard, Tali and Thane emerged from the emergency escape in the corner of the clinic and collectively collapsed on the floor. The commander’s hair was mussed, Tali was rapidly double-checking for ruptures in her enviro-suit and Thane’s jacket was askew. All but the master assassin, who had an eternally calm expression on his face, appeared rather disgruntled as they dusted themselves off and got to their feet.
“Oh, that was horrible – I kept checking for spiders around every corner.”
“Don’t worry, the only time anyone is ever doing that again is if Joker gets on his hands and knees on EDI’s request. Which will be pretty much never.”
The two women seemed oblivious to Jacob and Mordin’s presence until Thane greeted them, making both the commander and quarian jump.
“Good morning, Doctor Solus, Mr. Taylor.”
Mordin sniffed, the action accompanied by his equivalent of a grin. “Same to you, Mr. Krios. Noticed you all have had equally entertaining start to day cycle. April Fool’s spirit apparently strong in someone among crew. Troubling. Legion trapped in elevator, Tali?”
Snapping her head up, Tali stammered flusteredly, “O-oh! Er, yes. It was trying to contact me on my omni-tool just as– “
“YOU FUCKING RUNT OF A KROGAN!! I’LL GET YOU AND I’LL STUFF YOUR GAY HEAD AND USE IT AS MY FUCKING FOOTREST!!”
The shrieking was accompanied by the sound of breaking glass several decks below.
“…Er, just… as… Jack found out someone messed with her clothes…”
Shepard heaved a huge sigh, dropping her head into her hands as she massaged her temples. “Do I really want to know why Grunt was snooping around Jack’s clothes?”
“Hm. Interesting notion. Jack barely has any clothes to speak of. Aha! Unless– “
“Thank you, Mordin.”
“EDI is responsible for all this!” growled Tali vindictively, stomping over to the exit. “She started this, everything. I am going to– “
“Attention all Normandy crew, this is your friendly neighbourhood pilot AKA Best Damn Helmsman in the Milky Way speaking.”
Shepard let out a groan, “You have got to be kidding me…”
“Of course! EDI and Joker very close both in terms of physical proximity and area of work, would make sense to join forces– “
“We would like to wish everyone a very good morning and like to give you all fair warning of the things to come today. Put on your prankster hats everyone, because today, it’s all aboard the Party Temple! Enjoy!”
Silence.
“I. Will. Destroy. Them. EDI first.” Tali snarled with surprising ferocity for one her size, sounding almost like a krogan.
“Y-you’re going to take them on yourself?” Jacob swallowed. Never before had he seen the quarian so angry, not even when they had first met.
“No,” replied Tali, turning on her heel, a somewhat vehement gleam in her visor. “I am going to get Legion. Then, I am going to Kil’ah bitch.”