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Sugiki is a man who loves to be in control, to be followed where he goes, to see what he wants you to see, to feel what he wants you to feel, but underneath that tyrant with the posture of a dignified emperor is a weak, lowly, coward who doesn't want to be seen, held, and understood.
He only wants you to see the surface of his river, of how beautifully it flows and how the sun glistens as it reflects off of its gentle waves, but not to plunge into its deep, violent current, if only to get caught in his undertow, because he can corrode your sharp edges, smooth you into submission, swiftly fill your lungs, make it painful for you to breathe, rid you of your autonomy, govern you under his total control—and it is your life that might pay the price.
That’s why he can’t let Suzuki in. It’s why he doesn’t respond to his brutal kiss no matter how deep Suzuki digs into the grave he’s built for himself, no matter how far he reaches out his open arms and how relentlessly he tears down his kingdom's walls, Sugiki is unmoving, strict, and hardened. He’s been on this path too long, too familiar with it that he doesn't know where else to go, how to explore, or else he might overflow, eroding the banks that contain him, bursting through the valves, creating a mess of himself and his surroundings that he would not be able to undo and fix back into perfection.
That fright is what drives him to say that he can’t be with Suzuki anymore. That they’re enemies now. His actions are an effect of his propensity to be in command.
But that isn’t the case... that isn’t the case, is it?
Suzuki can read him well. He can see right through those thick, desperate layers, feel him and absorb his emotions through his honest hand—his sincere grip, and Suzuki understands… he understands in ways that Sugiki doesn't even have to explain, or to make excuses for. Suzuki simply knows because—you're mine. Right?
And Suzuki doesn’t have to seek for answers as Sugiki clutches his fingers tightly with a silent confession present in his eyes. He sees that the devil's inside, aching to consume his soul just as much as he wants to hold his beating heart.
See? You know that you're mine.
Sugiki caresses his face, communicating with a careful touch, saying something close to a promise but also an apology.
You're mine, aren’t you? Suzuki wants to ask, to hear it loud and clear, but, in the end, Sugiki leaves him, terrified and incapable of becoming naked and raw and filthy in their chaos to become one.
Sugiki slips away from his fingers, just like water. Suzuki wants to laugh because, of course, you can't expect to change how a river flows. He always knew that he wouldn't be able to fight Sugiki’s direction. He knew, he knew and yet—
Suzuki trembles as he slowly falls downwards, catching his breath, lying along with the pieces scattered on the floor, trying to compose himself back together and recover from being underwater too long.
The stream of a tear on his cheek is a symbol of his defeat, of understanding, acceptance. He itches for a smoke, or a glass of alcohol, anything, because his hands… his hands have never felt so empty.
And yet, you're still mine.