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-2003-
Jessica was walked up the steps by her mother, hand in hand. The house was huge, much bigger than where they currently lived. It was one of those early summer days where the sun warmed her bones and the smell of cut grass reminded her of her and Emily’s next softball game.
It was Emily’s 9th birthday party, and it happened to also be Jessica’s first sleepover. The whole team had been invited, including Sam and Hannah. She was a little scared of Sam, but Hannah was just as shy as she was, which presented its own set of problems. So, Emily was her future best friend. There was something about how she commanded a room, or their team, or genuinely any moment. It was like she had this star quality, and Jessica couldn’t help but want to be closer to the sun that Emily was.
The door opened, and Emily grabbed her free hand and dragged her inside the house, giggles bubbling from the two of them as they ran to the backyard. There was a pool, and a whole watermelon that Emily’s dad was cutting up, and a boombox was playing the Top 40 hits that she begged her mom to play in their beat up minivan.
They were outside for hours, watching the sun set as they ate the barbecue her dad had made, drinking the capri suns that were also sweating from the heat. When the stars came out, the group of girls sat in the family room where Emily begged her mom to let them watch The Cheetah Girls.
Jessica admired the outfits and flair, thinking wistfully of the future.
“One day, I’m going to be even cooler than them,” Emily said, a steely look of determination in her eyes. Some of the other girls laughed a little, not taking her seriously, but Jessica found herself turning to look directly at her.
“I believe you,” she said, and watched as Emily smiled.
“Correction,” Emily said. “We’re going to be even cooler than them.”
They fell asleep that night next to each other, looking at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling of Emily’s room, whispering late into the night.
-2006-
It was the night before Emily’s first day of middle school, and she was pacing madly around her room as she threw her hands in the hair from frustration.
“I can’t believe she won’t let me wear those jeans! Why did she think we bought them?” Emily snapped, glaring daggers at the offending garment.
Jessica gave a little mhm, and then looked up at her over her VogueTeen magazine. “To be fair, you’d get dress-coded instantly. And then your mom would turn it into a lecture, so maybe not.”
“Traitor. I just want to look like a real Bratz doll.”
“Okay, so just go with the ones with the rhinestones on the butt. And the pink shirt with the heart on it. That’s super cute,” Jessica responded, finally finding a hairstyle picture she wanted to replicate for school.
“Good call, I knew I kept you around for something,” Emily said, and smacked a loud kiss on the crown of her head. Jess grumbled and waved her hand at her, only for Emily to snatch it.
“I said I’d paint your nails, didn’t I?”
Jess grinned. “Oh my gosh, yes please. Pick whatever color you think would look best, you’re the Bratz doll here.”
Emily took her time holding up different nail polish bottles to her face, scrunching her eyes and comparing her skin tone to the diverse array of colors she had in her shoebox of nail supplies. They must have gone through nearly every option before Emily picked up a light turquoise one, and lit up after holding it up to Jess’s face.
“Girl, this is so your color,” she said, almost giddy, and immediately manhandled Jessica into the perfect nail polishing position. The positive attention tickled the back of her neck, right where the chain of their best friends necklaces were.
They were bought after a visit to the mall where they got their ears pierced at Claire’s, and it was one of the trips that brought Hannah, Beth, and Sam with them. The Washington’s had driven them, so they brought Josh along too. Jessica wasn’t his biggest fan, as he poked fun at them to entertain himself, and she was incredibly grateful when he saw the Hot Topic looming in the corner and made a beeline to it.
“I’m really glad you’re my best friend,” Jessica blurted suddenly, the words leaving her mouth faster than she’d thought them. Emily looked up at her, and in a moment of vulnerability that was already becoming more and more rare, smiled softly.
“Me too, Jess. Okay, don’t touch anything for like, an hour! I do not want your beautiful nails smudged.”
There was a knock on the door, and Emily’s mom came inside.
“Emily, what did I tell you about using nail polish without opening a window?”
“Oops, sorry Mama. I’ll open it right now,” Emily responded sheepishly, unlatching her window and letting in the late August air. Her mom looked at her daughter, Hello Kitty pyjamas on and her hair teased slightly, and tears welled in her eyes.
“Awhhh, my xiǎo bǎo bèi! You’re growing old too quickly for your mama, soon you’ll be all grown up,” her mom said, and Emily’s face turned red at the pet name. She was quickly squished into a hug, quietly grumbling.
Jessica knew that Emily was secretly enjoying the attention, and let her have her moment.
“Ah, Jess, you have another year left in primary, right?”
And there was the sting that hit her throat and the back of her eyes, the forceful reminder that even though they were born three months apart, Jessica would always be the grade below Emily. They had tried to plot and scheme to be in the same grade, but Jess wasn’t smart enough to skip a grade and Emily’s parents had enrolled her in the public tutoring service when she turned in her first fail.
The rest of the conversation felt like she was underwater, hearing parts of it and drowning in the sorrow only a near twelve year old could feel.
Eventually, her mom left, and Emily turned off the main light, leaving the room cast in the glow in the dark stars and the ladybug lamp she had from IKEA. Jess felt arms wrap around her, Emily’s breath moving the wispy hairs that had escaped her braid.
“It sucks that we won’t be together tomorrow,” Emily admitted, and Jess felt her heart clench. “But I’ll wait for you to join me. We have best friend necklaces for a reason, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jess said shakily, and collapsed entirely onto the bed.
“I won’t replace you,” Emily said, and clasped their hands together as proof. Later, as they fell asleep, Jess took comfort in her best friend’s presence next to her.
-2010-
Tonight was the polar opposite of that sleepover they had before Emily’s first day of middle school, as Jessica was finally joining Emily at high school. Her iPod touch was connected to the small stereo in her room, and felt butterflies as she realized this was the first time that they had a sleepover at her home instead of Emily’s.
Her home was a lot smaller, there was no pool, what she didn’t have in cute room furniture she made up for in posters of her favorite actresses and singers and bands. She had her Bath and Body Works body spray collection on display, and to her relief Emily hadn’t done anything but put her bag down and immediately sprawled on the bean bag in the corner.
“Okay, show me all the potential outfits. I personally think you should do the low waisted skinny jeans and the new shirt you got from Abercrombie & Fitch,” Emily said, her eyes assessing the inside of Jessica’s closet.
“Okay, but what jacket? In case you forgot, we live in Canada, and not the hot part either,” Jessica responded, fretting as she flipped through clothes feverishly.
Emily rolled her eyes. “Girl, chillax. We live in the rainy part of Canada, there won’t be any snow for like, months. Just wear your Juicy jacket.”
After that, the night calmed down significantly. They watched Degrassi, eating from their pile of snacks and discussing basically everyone they knew.
“What about Mike?” Emily said, and Jess wrinkled her nose.
“I don’t know, Em, I don’t really trust his vibe.”
“Okay, you don’t have to trust his vibe, but he’s a major cutie. Probably the only cute guy in my year.”
Jessica tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, feeling awkward all of a sudden. Guy talk didn’t come easily to her, but this was just a part of participating in girlhood, she guessed.
“You know, Matt’s not too bad,” she murmured, and Emily made an ehhhh sound.
“He’s your grade, right? Mike told me he’s trying to be the first freshman on the varsity team. Some of his buddies are on the JV team and were getting annoyed with him at tryouts.”
Jess huffed out a laugh. “Yeah, that sounds like Matt. He’s really nice, but definitely a jock.”
Emily pursed her lips, and turned up the volume on the TV a little louder. They slowly fell asleep on the bean bag like that, only to wake up to aches and pains that they were getting at least a few decades too early.
-2013-
This was probably the worst sleepover they’d ever had. A prank had gone too far, words had been said that couldn’t be taken back, and if Jessica looked in the mirror she wasn’t sure she’d recognize who was looking back at her.
Emily was sitting shell shocked in the chair next to her, both of them touching from head to toe in an attempt to ground each other. Part of it was the guilt.
This wasn’t the night that the twins had run from the house, this was the night after. She and Emily had gone to sleep like babies last night, assuming that Hannah and Beth would show up in the night and they’d all eat breakfast, and Hannah would back off of Mike which would make Emily back off of Hannah and Beth back off of her.
So the icy pit of dread in her stomach when she realized in the morning that the girls had not returned had made her throw up all of the alcohol in her system immediately, and the whole day had been spent traversing the mountain and searching for them.
Night had fallen quickly, and they were trapped inside the lodge yet again as they called their parents on the landline. There was a hollow feeling in her gut, her palms felt tight, and she didn’t think her heartbeat would feel normal again.
In her moment of need, Emily had chosen her instead of Mike. She had overheard them in the room over, arguing because Mike wanted Emily to sleep in his bed, and Emily turned him down.
“No, Michael, too much is going on. I’m going to stay with Jess, okay? I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Jesus, god forbid a guy wants a little comfort every now and then,” she heard him mutter back, and she could have killed him in that moment. But then Emily grabbed her hand and pulled her to the room they had been sharing, and all thoughts of Mike left her head.
They curled up in the bed together, warmth circulating between them. Absentmindedly, Jess wondered if Hannah and Beth were in a similar position, huddled to stay warm. She shivered, feeling a chill creep down her back, and burrowed deeper into the covers.
They would periodically wake up from nightmares, sometimes crying, sometimes shaking, but the other would quickly wake up and gently pat them on the head, and sleep would win yet again.
-2014-
Jessica’s breaths were labored, and her eyesight was fuzzy. She was in a … hospital? There was a shape next to her, slumped over her bed.
Her eyes focused more, and she saw Emily, her hair greasy and strewn over her lap as she snored softly. She was wearing a hospital gown, which meant she had definitely snuck in. Jess lifted her hand (mottled, cut, battered) and gently raked her fingers through Emily’s bob.
Em’s eyes fluttered open, and she smiled a little when she saw Jessica awake and alive.
“Good morning,” Jessica croaked out, and cringed at her own destroyed voice. It was worth it to hear the laugh that rang out from Emily, who sat up and hugged her.
“I’m sorry,” Emily whispered in her ear. “I should never have said those things to you.”
Jess felt tears roll down her face. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have been a bitch to you, and I definitely shouldn’t have tried to get your ex to get your attention.”
She felt Emily pull back a bit, and found herself eye to eye with the most intense person she’d ever met. “I’m sorry, you tried to fuck Mike to get my attention? Are you crazy?”
Jessica let out a nervous giggle, and nodded. “I was so mad when you found new friends in college, so worried you’d left me behind for good, and I guess you not coming home for winter break kind of crushed me. I didn’t know what would get your attention, but I can probably think of something better than dating Mike.”
Emily looked at her seriously for a moment, and then burst out into similar giggles. “Oh my god, you’re so lucky we both nearly died. Otherwise I’d be so mad right now.”
They hugged again, and Jessica felt a full body sob rack her body. “I missed you so much.”
She could hear Emily crying too, her tears soaking the extremely thin hospital gown she wore. “I missed you too, Jess. Let’s swear off men and join a convent or something.”
Maybe this was the third worst sleepover they’d ever had, but the tears and giggles were infectious and this time, Jessica knew that they were going to be alright.