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Rei deeply regrets every decision that has led him to this point in his life.
Living with Akai – Shuuichi, as he has taken to calling him, now that they're fully living together and immersed in the 'committed boyfriends' cover – has been one slow torture after another. It had taken all of two weeks of coming home (home; it still feels weird) from his bar-tending gig to find Shuuichi fast asleep in their bedroom, his hair going every direction, the soft snores escaping his mouth, for Rei to finally admit to himself that, yeah, maybe he's a little attracted to the guy. Not immediately recoiling at the sight of his drool probably should've been the first clue.
He'd suspected, prior to moving in, that Shuuichi never cooked for himself, and that has since been proven correct, so Rei has taken to forcibly teaching him at least some of the basics – another miscalculation on his part. The apartment is on the small side, meaning the kitchen barely has room for the two of them to move around. He's had to very quickly grow accustomed to Shuuichi's hands on him, gently moving him to the side, or steadying him when they inevitably bump into each other, lest he embarrass himself.
They don't share the bed, at least not in the usual sense – both a blessing and a curse, he's come to find.
When Rei first moved in, Shuuichi had been very firm in his stance that he would sleep on the couch while Rei took the bed. Rei had tried to argue that he's the guest, so he should take the couch and not rob Shuuichi of his bed, but he hadn't won that one. Instead, he'd had to watch as Shuuichi woke up groggy and sore from a couch that wasn't made for a man as tall as him to stretch out on.
Rei had put his foot down after a week of watching Shuuichi suffer. It made no sense for either of them to sleep on the couch long term when they usually had opposite schedules, with Rei mostly working nights at the bar, and, besides, Shuuichi's work is much too important for him to be so unfocused from exhaustion.
Truthfully, he wouldn't mind sharing the bed with Shuuichi; he slept next to Hiro often enough growing up that he's not bothered by the idea of it. The problem is that he can't tell if Shuuichi was trying to be a gentleman by giving him the bed, or if he's uncomfortable sharing.
They probably need to discuss that, but Rei hasn't quite found the nerve to bring it up – because what if the problem is with Rei? If this is, as he suspects, purely a professional arrangement for a case for Shuuichi, then it makes sense he wouldn't want to share his bed with a colleague.
He needs to investigate further before he even considers broaching the subject. And, in the mean time, he's shoved all thoughts of falling asleep next to Shuuichi and waking up in his arms to the deepest recesses of his mind to hopefully never be thought of again.
He's had three months to get used to their situation, to adjust to his inconvenient feelings so he can keep them in check. Three months of coming home from work in the morning, taking a quick shower and putting together a bento for Shuuichi's lunch while he winds down – something Shuuichi had never asked for, and had been quite surprised by the first time it happened, so Rei kept it up, just to see that awed look on his face; besides, it makes him feel more like he's actually helping in some small way – then dozing on the couch until Shuuichi wakes him and sends him off to bed. Three months of cooking meals together and watching TV on the couch, or discussing Shuuichi's latest cases, when their schedules align. Three months of hoping he'll just get over his attraction without making things weird between them.
Three months – and now they're crowded inside Date and Natalie-san's apartment along with Hiro, Hagi and Matsuda, for a Christmas dinner, of sorts. Christmas is still over a week away, and none of them really go out of their way to celebrate, but it's not often they can all work their schedules out to meet up. So they're taking advantage of the chance now that they have it.
It should be fine. Rei enjoys spending time with his friends. Except–
"Has Zero told you that you're the first person he's dated?"
–Matsuda has apparently decided to make his life miserable.
"I haven't told him that," Rei cuts in, chopping the potato under his knife just a little bit harder; Shuuichi shoots him an amused look from where he's been cornered by Matsuda, "because it isn't true."
Hiro snorts, earning a half-hearted glare from Rei.
"Yeah, yeah, you're not really dating, whatever. We've all heard the excuses," Matsuda replies, flicking his hand as if he's waving away Rei's answer. "You're living together. You're planning to get married. I'm counting it. Besides, if we don't count Akai, then it's really sad for you."
Exasperated, Rei huffs. "I've dated before, Matsuda."
"There's no way that's true," Matsuda replies, deadpan. "You expect me to believe you weren't always a complete nerd who spent all his time studying or working?"
Hiro, best friend that he is, jumps in with, "Technically, he was a complete nerd who only spent most of his time studying. He did go on a few dates," which doesn't really feel like defending Rei. At least he mercifully leaves out the part where every single one of those dates left Rei drained and convinced that dating just isn't for him.
"Thanks, Hiro."
Hiro gives him a cheeky grin as Shuuichi steps away from Matsuda, slipping into the space right next to Rei. Gently, he takes the knife from him with a firm, "I'll take care of the chopping; we don't need any knife incidents."
Rei, despite his misgivings about letting Shuuichi loose in a kitchen, decides he can't really mess up chopping potatoes and lets it happen. "Okay, but make sure you–"
"I'll cut them exactly like you have," Shuuichi assures him, not-so-subtly shooing him away.
As he's leaving, Natalie-san says, behind his back, "Don't worry, you can't really screw them up. It's for potato salad anyway."
"Don't tell him that," Rei shoots over his shoulder, earning a quiet laugh from Natalie-san. "He's supposed to be practicing."
"You sure you wanna marry this guy, Akai?" Matsuda drawls, despite Rei's scowl. "He'll be this much of a perfectionist about everything."
Rei can't see it with his back turned, but he can hear the grin in Shuuichi's voice when he replies, "Looking forward to it." He rolls his eyes; Shuuichi hardly needs to put on the Model Boyfriend act in front of their friends. "Ask him about the tree we put up."
"We?!" Affronted, Rei turns back to Shuuichi. "We didn't put that up, you did. And you put the star on crooked, so now every time I walk by it, I have to see how wrong it looks. And you refuse to fix it."
Shuuichi chuckles, not taking his eyes off his chopping – which Rei can't even find faults with. Yet. "You can always fix it, Rei-kun."
"It's your tree," Rei argues, digging his heels in once more, as if they haven't had this exact argument at least three times since the damned tree went up.
"It's our tree," Shuuichi corrects with a soft smile that knocks the wind right out of Rei's sails. It's not fair – how is he supposed to argue when Shuuichi looks at him like that? He's definitely cheating just to win the argument.
Rei sniffs, trying to cover how much Shuuichi flusters him, and looks away, discomfort twisting in his stomach. Then, defiant to the end, he says, "I'm still not fixing the star."
In a bid to clear his head, Rei takes over dish duty after dinner. There's not a whole lot to do – they'd been cleaning as they went while cooking – but the monotonous scrubbing helps, even if it's only for a short time. Sitting in the living room for the duration of dinner with his thigh pressed to Shuuichi's due to limited space for seven adults had been torturous – not that he'd ever let his feelings slip onto his face – leaving him a little dizzy, want sizzling under the surface.
Once the last of the dishes are clean, he turns the water to cold and just runs his hands under the tap for several long seconds, hoping it will help fight off the distracting warmth inside him.
"So when are you two planning to get married?" Matsuda asks suddenly, derailing whatever conversation they'd had going, not that Rei was keeping up with it in the first place.
Shuuichi gives the verbal equivalent of a shrug when he answers, "We hadn't really talked about the specifics."
Shutting off the tap and drying his hands, Rei joins the conversation. "It just needs to seem natural. Me moving in when I did was due to extenuating circumstances; it's better not to rush the relationship."
Matsuda gives him a doubtful look. "Yeah, but it's been, what, half a year already? And you've lived together for half of that. Besides, it's obvious to anyone who isn't both blind and deaf that you're perfect for each other."
"You did already meet his mother," Hiro points out, unhelpfully, nodding along with Matsuda's assessment.
Date, who has remained blessedly neutral up to this point, goes rogue, turning on Rei, too. "Anyone who spends time with the two of you would think you've already been married for years."
"And you are very cute together," Hagi adds, rounding out the group with a wink.
Rei sighs, looking to Natalie-san, amused, exasperated, but surprisingly unable to find any anger inside himself. "Would you like to bully me, too?" he asks.
"No, I think the boys have it covered," she answers, eyes glittering with mischief.
"Rei-kun," Shuuichi says, drawing his attention. Their eyes meet as Shuuichi joins him by the sink, and it's all Rei can do to keep his focus through the anxiety. "I have the rings. We could get engaged whenever you want."
Rei opens his mouth, though he's not sure what to say. What can he say to something like that? He settles on, "I didn't know you got the rings already."
The two of them went out to look at rings and get their sizes a while ago, and Shuuichi had said then that he'd like to custom order a pair. It seemed a bit much for Rei, since this wasn't even going to be a real marriage, but Shuuichi had argued that it needed to look like one. So Rei relented.
But Shuuichi never told him he ordered them.
"They came in a couple of weeks ago," Shuuichi answers simply. "Not the plain bands you were thinking of, but I think you'll still like them. I'm surprised you haven't seen them, actually."
Rei frowns, vaguely offended. "Tempting as it may be, I don't go snooping through your things." And it is – really tempting. Perhaps if he did look through Shuuichi's belongings, he could figure out the way his mind works.
"You can, if you want. I have nothing to hide from you."
"Well, then it's not fun, is it?"
Shuuichi smiles at him; Rei's heart thuds in his chest. "Of course. I'll make sure to hide something for you."
"And now you're patronizing me," Rei shoots back with a scowl.
"Not my intention, Rei-kun." Shuuichi lifts a hand and brushes hair away from Rei's face, and it takes every ounce of resolve in Rei's body not to pull away and put distance between them. If it's a choice between suffering through the physical contact or accidentally revealing his feelings by moving away, he'll take the former every time.
Shuuichi doesn't apologize for the slight – and Rei wouldn't accept it if he did; instead, he brings their previous discussion back on track. "The sooner I propose, the sooner we can get married."
Rei briefly considers setting up an appointment with a cardiologist – there's clearly something wrong with his heart, with the way it reacts to every little thing Shuuichi says, despite knowing that this is all a farce – but pushes the thought away for later. Perhaps on his next day off, he can think about about calling. He lifts his chin, borderline haughty. "And if I wanted to propose?"
He's teasing, of course. Amuro really can't be the one to pop the question, not when Shuuichi has a lot more to lose with the union. Rei won't risk jeopardizing their entire operation by having people question whether he's in the relationship just for Shuuichi's family's money.
Amuro Tooru may be many things, but he is not a gold digger. And they're going to have enough eyes on them without the story getting around that Amuro was the one who wanted the marriage more.
Shuuichi's eyes widen, his breath hitching in surprise. "We can do that." There's a fragile quality to his voice; it comes out quieter than normal, and sounds as though it's made of glass. And it leaves Rei thoroughly perplexed.
"I was joking." Even Rei's voice doesn't really sound like himself to his own ears, coming out rough and shaky. He hasn't broken eye contact with Shuuichi. "It doesn't make sense for Amuro to propose."
And just like that, the air clears. The moment passes as if it never happened. A throat clears somewhere in the vicinity of Hiro, reminding Rei that they are not, in fact, alone.
Whatever had been going on in Shuuichi's head seems to have mostly left. "Right," he says with an almost rueful smile, which is… still concerning. His hand drops away from Rei's face. Rei wants to question him, but – not here. Not now. "Well, whenever you're ready."
"I'm ready when you are," Rei assures him, trying to move past whatever weirdness just happened between them.
Shuuichi nods, some of his tension seeming to drain away as his shoulders relax. "I don't have your ring on me, but I–"
"Absolutely not!" Hiro interrupts suddenly, causing Rei to jump. He turns to Hiro with a questioning look. "You are not getting engaged in Date's kitchen. At least go out on the balcony or something. I know there's not an ounce of traditional romance between you two, but you want something better to tell people than 'yeah it happened in my friend's kitchen.'"
"Ah," Shuuichi grunts as Rei lets out a tiny, nervous laugh.
Hiro all but pushes them out of the kitchen area, through the crowd of people gathered in the living room, and out to the balcony, then heads back inside, closing the door behind them so they can have some semblance of privacy – although the doors are glass, and with the blinds pulled open, everyone is no doubt watching them anyway.
Rei pays them no mind, looking out into the city instead. With night having fallen, the city is lit up brilliantly, lending a cheerful, romantic backdrop to their moment.
He feels inexplicably anxious, all of a sudden. It's nonsensical – he knows why they're out here, on this balcony – and yet he can't quite calm his jittery nerves. Especially while Shuuichi is looking at him, soft and fond. He shivers a little, and blames the chill in the air; Hiro hadn't even let them grab their coats.
Out of the corner of his eye, because he doesn't dare look away from Shuuichi, he spies– "Hiro's got his phone out." Ready to take pictures, Rei would guess.
Shuuichi, clearly taking this as his cue, cups Rei's cheek, his thumb tracing over the cheekbone. "I love you," he breathes, and Rei is done for.
Despite knowing this is an act, hope flickers inside him, small and warm. He tries to snuff it out, tries to remind himself that this isn't real, that Shuuichi is saying that to Tooru, not to Rei, but to no avail. His foolish heart won't listen.
His brain kicks back into action, finally, and reminds him that he's probably supposed to respond to Shuuichi's declaration, however, a stuttered, "Shuuichi…" is all he can manage.
Still, Shuuichi smiles. "Ever since we met, seeing you has been the highlight of my day. These y– months of getting to know you, you've lit this fire in me. Every moment that I'm not by your side, I find myself missing you, wishing I could hold you. I think I was probably yours from the first time our eyes met."
It's… a lot, the things Shuuichi is saying. He's really laying it on thick, when there's nobody but Rei around to hear him. Rei finds himself frozen in place, immobilized by the weight of his feelings in the wake of Shuuichi's words. He wants to say something, anything, but the words fail him.
"Your passion, the way your brain works…" Shuuichi continues, unbothered by Rei's silence. "Your devotion to the people you care about… I cherish all of what makes you you." He takes Rei's hands in both of his, squeezing them, grounding him.
Rei's never really considered romance an option for himself. He has dedicated his life to becoming a police officer, to finding Elena-san's killers, and, to do that, he's had to focus solely on his goals. He'd never felt lonely, not with Hiro by his side, and then the other guys, and he never regret his choices.
It eats at him now, though. An ache builds inside him, a want for… whatever Shuuichi will give him. Months of acting and flirting and learning how to live together have culminated into this one moment, and it hurts in a way Rei didn't expect.
But, he decides, if this is the only time he ever gets engaged, even if it's not real, even if he wants something he can never truly have – it's perfect.
As Shuuichi kneels before him, caressing the spot on his finger where his ring will go, Rei swallows his nerves.
"We'll just tell people the moment was too perfect to miss, even if I didn't have the ring on me," Shuuichi jokes, and Rei can't help laughing a little, smiling and easing some of the tension. "Will you please be my husband?"
For some reason, Rei's eyes are wet. He sniffs and tries to regain control of his feelings, futile as it is. "Yes," he whispers, nodding in case Shuuichi can't hear him over the crack in his voice.
Shuuichi's face breaks into the most dazzling smile Rei has ever seen, and it's all Rei can do to keep from throwing himself at him. As it is, Rei barely lasts until Shuuichi's standing again before dragging him into a kiss, his hand fisted into Shuuichi's sweater. Shuuichi returns the kiss with equal fervor, looping an arm around his waist, his other hand cradling the back of Rei's head to hold him in place.
It's not their first kiss – they've shared a few brief pecks in public, and that one in front of Shuuichi's mother and Hiro – but it's one Rei knows he'll never forget.
He presses his face to Shuuichi's shoulder after, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. His eyes are still wet, he knows, and he hopes it won't show on Shuuichi's sweater. He's certainly not going to wipe them and call attention to his inability to keep his feelings in check. Shuuichi tucks in him closer, holding him tight, resting his own face against Rei's hair.
They'll need to go back inside soon, and face their friends. Shuuichi will give him his ring when they get home, and Hiro will want to come over tomorrow and see it (and send pictures to everyone else). But, for now, they just exist.
If Rei had known, back when Shuuichi first asked him to participate in this ridiculous plan, how he would end up falling for him–
(His body shakes, and he's unable to stop it. Shuuichi squeezes him tighter, kissing his hair.)
–he probably wouldn't change a thing. He may end up hurting, when all is said and done, but, even if only for this moment, he thinks it may just be worth it.