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No, it wasn't fine. It wasn't fine for a very long time. But now, when his life suddenly calmed down it was just…. Different.
When Bee firstly mentioned “depression” Neil was sure it wasn't about him. No he wasn't depressed. He was fine. Sometimes mad, sometimes sad, sometimes - happy. Just as an average human being.
But time passed and he noticed something. He felt… Calm. Dangerously calm, he stopped caring about things. Exams stopped stressing him out, exy stopped being exciting and… kissing Andrew felt blank. But this was alright. This is what a calm life feels like, right? Right?...
Christmas wasn't bad. Most of the Foxes were out of Palmetto. Neil liked it. So calm, nobody interrupted his staring in the ceiling. His body felt weak, like he was sick. Limbs were numb, moving was a challenge he wasn't signed up to do. Thoughts were complicated. One moment he panicked over everything, one moment he was on the edge of tears - and then he didn't feel anything. Like a doll or a piece of furniture.
Or a Christmas tree decoration.
There was a weird urge to see a Christmas tree. Neil knew it was just in the next room. He was willing to look at it. Those pretty lights changing colours. But yet, he didn't move. Wasn't able to.
Andrew wasn't talking to him. He was standing near, looking at Neil. He brought him water and some porridge. Fruits. He even helped him with eating. It felt weird, but Josten wasn't complaining. Why would he?
“I want to see Christmas lights”
Andrew raised his head - it was the first thing he heard coming out of Neil's mouth for about two weeks.
“Go and see them”, - he answered, but Josten didn't move. And didn't answer. Just closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep for the fifth time today - as if it'd help. Andrew waited for the guy to start breathing smoothly, then stood up.
A few hours later, Neil opened his eyes to a little-little Christmas tree. It seemed to be a fake one, but the smell told him otherwise. Lights were the only decoration on this tree - yet, it was just enough. The guy was just… looking. Observing, but not in a runner way - in a calm, relaxed one. Colours changed each other. Red. Blue. Green. Yellow. Red again. Neil stretched out his hand to touch them. Lights were warm.
He took a deep breath. The smell of the spruce was so soft…
Neil didn't smile that day. He didn't get out of bed. He didn't call Bee either.
But when Andrew sat down next to him in the evening, he took his arm. And they were both looking at the Christmas lights.
And colours changed each other.