Work Text:
“The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” 1 Samuel 18:1
St. [REDACTED] is the patron saint of mothers. Ethan first remembers learning this aged 5, when his own mother was tucking him into bed. She told him how important it is to know the meaning behind your name, because it can tell you a lot about yourself. But Ethan didn’t want to be a mother. He still doesn’t. Ethan isn’t a patron saint of anything. Ethan isn’t a saint. When Ethan picked his name, he learned that it means “strong, enduring,” in Hebrew. He likes that.
Aged 11, Ethan asked if David and Jonathan were in love. He heard their story in Sunday School and they sounded like they cared enough to be in love. They certainly sounded more in love than his parents were. His mother stared at him wide-eyed from across the dining table. His father was silent, but Ethan could feel the anger simmering beneath the surface. Ethan didn’t know why he was angry. That was the day that Ethan learned what homosexual meant. He learned a lot of other words too. But most importantly he learned that it was wrong.
When Ethan turned 18, he escaped the farm and went to college in Madison. He managed to convince the administration that they’d made a clerical error with his name and gender. He started going by Ethan all the time, and he did feel strong. He ignored the part of his brain that told him that God wouldn’t approve, because why wouldn’t He? Who said? He started attending church more and more infrequently. By Christmas, he’d stopped completely.
He stayed at college during Christmas, and skipped midnight mass. Even alone, Christmas was much more enjoyable than it was before. Being in church in the middle of the night had felt suffocating. Making the choice not to go felt freeing.
Ethan met Jack in his theatre program and he knew his father had been wrong. Because how could this be wrong, when it felt so right? Ethan was happy and to him, that was all that mattered. The name Jack is a diminutive of John, softer and more familiar than the formal. It reminded Ethan of his David and Jonathan story from age 11. But this time it was happy. Their love didn’t need to be shown in lamentation after grief because it could be shown in how they lived together.
“The love that dare not speak its name in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan.” Oscar Wilde, Regina v. Wilde
When Jack died in the elevator, Ethan thought about a different John. John the Baptist. Beheaded because he spoke out about what he believed was right. Ethan considered quitting after Prague, because Jack hadn’t died for a cause he believed in, not really. Ethan didn’t have God as a comfort anymore, but he did try to consider St John’s story. But Ethan didn’t really believe in the IMF any more than Jack had. But he stayed, because what choice did he have? And really, what choice did He give John the Baptist?
“Il n’y a qu’un homme qui puisse te sauver. C’est Celui dont je t’ai parle. Allez Le chercher.” John the Baptist - Salomé, Oscar Wilde
“There is only one man who can save you. It is He of whom I spoke to you. Go! Seek Him.”
The IMF was God and Ethan was Job. The IMF just kept on taking and taking from his life, until all he had was them to turn to. It was something that had been nagging at Ethan for a while, sitting there in the back of his brain. So when, in his sleep-deprived state, he was forced to search everywhere for “Job 314” it didn’t take long for his Catholic upbringing to kick in and lead him to the bible.
with the kings and the counsellors of the earth, who built desolate places for themselves;
If Ethan wasn’t grieving and exhausted, he probably would have laughed until he fell off his chair.
Luther came into his life all at once. He was there for the Langley mission and then he was there every day after that. And Ethan loved it. The name Luther isn’t biblical or sainted. Ethan came to find out that it comes from the German for “army of the people”. Luther was like a breath of fresh air; Ethan discovered that he had all the force of an army by himself.
Jesus, fuck. Ethan almost fell off of Dead Horse Point. All that spy work, just to die on vacation. But that was the point of it all, the thrill. Ethan couldn’t find regular things exciting anymore. Holding himself up by his arms like that, using all of his muscle power in exchange for his life, he wondered if this was a little bit like what Jesus felt like. It filled him with a sense of untamed of power.
Ethan really shouldn’t have been surprised when he ended up in Seville during Fallas de Valencia. The fire of St. Joseph roared all around him and he wondered if God might be trying to tell him something. But Ethan didn't believe in Him anymore - at least, that's what he'd tell himself. It was March, but the night and the fire reminded him of other things, things he’d really rather forget. “Honouring saints by setting ‘em on fire.” It was less bizarre than Swanbeck might think.
“For our God is a consuming fire.” Hebrews 12:29
Ethan hadn’t thought much about saviours, until he met Julia. Her name wasn’t biblical either, but Ethan was sure that she would be the one to save his soul. Her name may not have been explicitly Christian, but the fact that it was Latin reminded him of Sundays spent in church as a child. It reminded him of the nice feelings of warmth and community, not the ones that had made him escape to college the first chance he got. Julia made him feel safe, the way church and God and Jesus never had. When they were together the whole room felt precious, consecrated. In Ethan’s darkest moments, he’d murmur her name and feel a feeling in his heart that his mother had once described as The Holy Spirit.
Breaking into the Vatican was one of the highlights of Ethan’s career. Luther had asked him what he was so damn happy about and the truth was, he’d always wanted to see where the Pope lived. Where the big man, who wasn’t God or Jesus, made decisions that touched people across continents. It certainly lived up to its reputation.
When Ethan was a little girl, he’d wondered why he never saw female priests. When he grew up he learned that women couldn’t be priests, at least not in the Catholic Church. And then he learned that the church wouldn’t have wanted him anyway. So it felt very vindicating to walk around the Vatican dressed as a priest and not be spared a second glance. He’d practically jumped at the opportunity. Not just a man, but a man of God—a priest. And it was believable. For a brief moment, in that sacred city, bible in his hands, Ethan almost considered going back to Him.
Ethan died and he found himself somewhat disappointed with what came after. So, it was a good thing when he woke up and rocketed right into Julia’s arms. His saviour. Not the only one he’d ever known, but the only one that had made any difference to his life. The only one who’d allowed him to keep on living. It wasn’t Jesus who had saved him; it was Julia.
Benji tumbled into Ethan’s life, and all of a sudden, it was like he’d always been there. Benjamin was a saint. He was the patron saint of preachers. Ethan wasn’t sure how true that was of Benji, but he certainly felt like a saint to Ethan. Alternatively, Benjamin was the youngest son of Jacob and Sarah in the bible, the innocent one who was Joseph’s favourite brother. But the meaning of Benjamin, etymologically, was Ethan’s favourite. Benjamin means “son of the right hand” in Hebrew, a different way of describing strength. A wholly different type of strength to Ethan, and yet strength nonetheless.
“Christ had John and I have my George.” King James I, about George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham
Ilsa came next, and Ethan saw that she hadn’t been able to choose one single aspect of her life. Yet, she endured, despite it all. Ethan marvelled at the faith in oneself that it required. Even when Ethan had faith in Him, he wasn’t sure he could live like Ilsa did, the puppet of so many. And Ilsa didn’t believe. That’s why she was better than him.
Ethan died again. This time, Ilsa brought him back. People weren’t supposed to come back from the dead twice. People weren’t even really supposed to come back once— only Jesus did that. And Ethan certainly wasn’t Jesus. And yet here he was, electrified (literally) and slightly fuzzy. And Benji was looking at down him and telling him that, “We did it!” The fuzzy feeling spread and it made him feel warm. It was the kind of warmth that he hadn’t felt since Julia.
When Ethan told Luther and Benji about the cruciform key—a cross that was crucial to everything—he started laughing. Benji and Luther exchanged worried glances, but Ethan didn’t care. Life was one big cosmic joke. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was all being planned out by God, and Ethan had been plopped straight into the middle of a narrative where everything was a sign that he should go back to Him.
“With our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who having been offered joy, endured the cross, despising the shame and was seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2
Grace sneaked into Ethan’s life and slowly began to fill up every facet of it. When he first met her, she wouldn’t tell him her real name, but it didn’t matter. It was common in his line of work. And Ethan disagreed with his mother; he thought you could learn a lot more about a person from a name they’d picked for themselves. When she had told Ethan her name at the same time as she’d implied that it was an alias, Ethan had a wild moment where he thought she was in his grasp as a sign of the Grace of God. But she’d slipped out of his grip just as quickly, and Ethan realised that her name said a whole lot more about her profession than anything else.
Since Ethan stopped believing in that the Bible was the Word of God, he didn’t think anything was “written”. But the Entity said it was, and that gave Ethan more reason to fight it. It wasn’t “written” that his friends would die, it wasn’t “written” that the world would end. Only God had the power to decide what was “written” and Ethan had long stopped believing that He decided anything.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with the God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1
It was worse that the Entity’s lackey was called Gabriel. A shadow from Ethan’s past, he’d killed Marie, instead of bringing her news of new life. “The Lord’s messenger.” It was certainly what Gabriel believed himself to be. Ethan wouldn’t accept it.
Ethan couldn’t bring Ilsa back. She’d brought him back and he couldn’t bring her back. Ilsa is a germanised version of the name Elisheba or Elizabeth; it means “pledged to God.” Ilsa was pledged to her government—it was what killed her in the end. Maybe Ethan’s mother had been right about names. Maybe Ethan had been right to compare government agencies to God.
Luther died by himself, in the dark of some tunnels underneath London. He didn’t get to see the light for a final time, like he deserved to. Luther had accepted his own death. Not because he believed there was something after, but because he believed in the value of everything else that was still here. To Ethan, Luther was valuable too. People could keep telling him that one life wasn’t more valuable than the many, but Ethan would always try and find away to save both. So it hurt all the more when he couldn’t save Luther.
“The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.” 1 Corinthians 15:26
St. Christopher is the patron saint of journeys, of travellers, and of storms. So when Commander Neely handed Ethan that medallion, he put it around his neck and trusted that it would take him where he needed to go. Ethan jumped into the blustery sea because he didn’t have a choice, but with the secret hope that St. Christopher might watch out for him. And when Ethan handed over the medallion and one look at it convinced Bledsoe to help him, Ethan knew he had been. He didn’t have time to thank God, but ignoring the signs was starting to become a little tiring.
Ethan died for a third time. Grace dragged him out of the freezing cold ocean and pushed on his chest until he came gasping back into the world. He was trying not to get a big head, but Jesus only came back once. Ethan was lucky; when he came back, there was always someone there. By the Grace of God. He didn’t have to haul back the boulder all by himself. He hoped he’d never have to.
“For since by a man came death, by a man came also the resurrection of the dead.” 1 Corinthians 15:21