Work Text:
Dear diary,
My grandmother told me to try keeping a diary to sort out my thoughts and have a record of my day. Today I ate naan with chicken for lunch. School was normal. No one talked to me.
Teachers look at me as if they pity me for having no friends. Why? They don’t need to. I am perfectly happy by myself.
Dear diary,
Grandmother tells the most fascinating stories. They help me sleep at night. Today she told me about a witch who traded people’s firstborns in exchange for their greatest desires. Why would the witch do that? Children are such a hassle. Why not trade for something better, like books?
Dear diary,
I think today, someone tried to bully me. It didn’t work because I didn’t realize what was happening, and he just glared at me and walked away. I do not understand. Why would he see me as an outcast when I regularly talk to both people and teachers?
Dear diary,
High school is the same as middle school, except the people here are louder. I am on track to go to the Akademiya. The study of languages sounds interesting, though I have heard a rumour that you need to know at least twenty languages to graduate. I’m sure I can learn. I have already started researching basic Fontainian letters and words.
Dear diary,
I met someone called Kaveh today. He’s my senior, from Kshahrewar. I had already heard of him, and, to be honest, I had thought he would be one of those people who had a charming personality and nothing else going for him; sadly, that type seems to be plentiful nowadays.
He came up to talk to me because he thought I looked lonely studying by myself—do I really look that lonely? No matter. I was not about to turn down the chance, especially when his fanclub looked ready to murder me.
Kaveh is… surprisingly nice. He’s a bit talkative, but once I stopped talking, he went back to studying too. He saw me struggling with some math questions and helped out. His explanation was really good too. I wonder if he wants to be a teacher when he’s graduated. I should ask him next time we meet.
Dear diary,
Kaveh wants to be an architect. It’s his dream to “create something that’ll last through the eons.” An admirable ambition, though I’m not sure how well it will actually hold up.
In other news, we got lunch together. Kaveh’s favourite food is soup, which is a pity, because soup takes up too much concentration. You can’t read while drinking soup, it’ll splatter anywhere. He looked a little bit horrified at how much spice I put in my food.
We parted ways after lunch, but Kaveh promised to find me after his classes. Not sure how, but he was there when I got out, and he walked me home. I feel somehow that Kaveh has imprinted on me. Why does he keep hanging out with me, when, for my entire life, people have been content to ignore me?
Is he lonely?
Dear diary,
Apparently, I provide great entertainment value for him. He finds my reactions funny, though I’m not sure what he means by that, because everyone else has told me I am very expressionless. Oh, well, if Kaveh can see something they don’t, all the better for me, I think.
Dear diary,
I’ve been hanging out with Kaveh more recently, and it has come to my attention that I genuinely enjoy his company and friendship. I do have some classmates that I talk to, but it is all very superficial. I have had more intellectual conversations with Kaveh than I have had with anyone else in my life. I wish to be by his side for as long as possible, given that it is actually a possibility. Kaveh seems pleased with my offers to spend more time on weekends as well. I think he is happy that he has someone he can argue with instead of people who will bend over to his every whim and agree with him mindlessly.
Dear diary,
Today I heard some girls talking about their crushes. Apparently, having a fluttery feeling in your stomach is normal when talking to your crush, but I’ve been feeling that way about Kaveh for a while now. Another mentioned that all they want to do is spend time with her crush, and that she’s thinking about him constantly.
But that’s how I’ve been thinking about Kaveh. Is that it? Do I have a crush on him? Is that even possible? I thought I would be perfectly fine being friends with him. Is it because he’s the only person who’s ever tried to approach me?
Dear diary,
Today I saw someone confess to Kaveh, and this confirms two things:
I have a crush on Kaveh.
I can be a very jealous person.
Dear diary,
Kaveh and I are doing a research project together. Well, not only us—we have a team, but we’re the leaders of this project. It’s a difficult subject, but I’m confident we can achieve it together. And once we’re done with it, I think I can ask him to officially move in with me. I have a list of pros compiled that I can use to convince him that we would be great roommates.
Dear diary,
I am worried about Kaveh. I was excited about this project, but more people have dropped out than I expected, and Kaveh’s taking it all on himself to fix. I told him he should relax and he snapped at me for not taking this seriously enough. I do, but he was stressed so I didn’t say anything about it.
He’s been eating less. Losing weight. He’s throwing himself into work because of his mother leaving, and I don’t know how to help him. Anything I say nowadays seems to set him off, and it’s frustrating me. Why can’t he just listen? I can be there for him, but he’s not letting me at all.
Dear diary,
Today I
Kaveh and I
I couldn’t do it anymore
Kaveh and I fought. Our
He said he regretted ever being friends with me.
Dear diary,
Kaveh moved in today.
The research centre where we lived together… it feels like an age ago, and having him back feels like an uncomfortable itch in my throat.
Be that as it may, I have never hated him. He seems to think so, based on his defensiveness, but he was the one who struck up a conversation. If anyone else, I would have simply stood up in the middle of their talk.
But Kaveh is different. He has always been different.
I wonder what properly living together with him will be like.
Dear diary,
Today Kaveh proposed a living plan: that he pay the rent and help around with the chores to help compensate for his stay here. I agreed, pointing out that he doesn’t need to pay the rent, but he seemed insistent on it, and far be it for me to refuse Kaveh from assuaging his own guilt.
He says he’ll be staying here a few weeks, until he can get back on his own feet. I worry that he might not, because prices are rising and there aren’t any houses that Kaveh would find appealing. Still, if he gets a few good commissions, he could just build himself one.
I remember what he said to me during our arguments. It still hurts sometimes when I think of it, but Kaveh has always been quick to anger and sharp-tongued to match.
All this to say, Kaveh:
I know things aren’t alright with us, and we might not ever return to our easy friendship from before. But I hope you will stay, long enough that you are comfortable here, long enough that you can call this place a home.
If I had my way, you’d stay here forever.
Dear diary,
It’s been a year of Kaveh living together with me. I bought him cake to celebrate, though I haven’t told him the reason. A few weeks, he’d said. I have never been gladder he was wrong, even counting the times when we argue. I also bought him a wooden elephant and he almost cried because it was too ugly. But it sits on his nightstand facing him, and so I think he does find it as funny as I do and is just unwilling to admit it.
Dear diary,
Kaveh kissed me today.
He hadn’t seemed to realize he was doing it. For once, he had a meeting with a client in the early hours of the morning and was awake before I was, which is slightly concerning because I’m sure he has had only two hours of sleep the entire night.
And maybe that is why when he passed me in the living room, he kissed me on the lips before muttering a goodbye and leaving. Does he realize he did it? He seemed to have no indication of panic whatsoever.
And what am I supposed to do with this?
Dear diary,
Kaveh came back and the first thing he did was apologize. I asked him why, and he looked at me like I was stupid. Only when I asked did he say that he thinks it should be obvious.
And so I kissed him.
Kissing him is… nice. It’s not all fireworks and lightning like the books seem to say, but Kaveh is warm and soft and he wrapped his arms around my waist (!!!) and he kissed me back. He tasted like coffee.
I want to do it any time I can.
And he doesn’t look like he minds.
Dear diary,
We told our friends that we were dating, and both of them said “wait, haven’t you been dating for the past two years?” and Tighnari made a face when we said no. Not sure what they saw that made them so convinced of it, but Kaveh blushed so prettily at their words that I forgot to focus on most of the conversation afterwards.
Dear diary,
I am planning to propose. I haven’t gotten anything yet, but writing it down feels a lot more real. I asked him the other night if marriage was a thing he was interested in, since we were talking about a classmate of his that recently got married, and he got really quiet.
He thinks it might be nice. He doesn’t care too much for it, but he has admitted that having someone with you forever is a comforting thought to have, that maybe he might understand his mother more now.
So I’m going to propose to him. Kaveh has always been my forever, even when we were younger and naïve. That hasn’t changed.
I’ll get a ring first. And then plan a date, just inside our house, and I can propose afterwards. Kaveh should like it. He’s really a private person at heart.
Dear diary,
he said yes.
Dear diary,
Today, I am getting married to the love of my life. It is a fine spring day. I am writing this as Tighnari fusses over my suit, while Cyno has taken a day off to help us with the celebrations.
I will be marrying Kaveh. In some ways, despite how many years it has been, this all still feels like a fever dream. I wonder some days if I will wake up alone in the little research center and find out that I have been dreaming of this happier life with Kaveh.
But Kaveh will look at me, and the press of his lips is more real than anything I could ever imagine.
I will probably stop writing in this, after this day. Not because our journey has ended, but because I would like to properly keep a journal with him, of our adventures together. This diary will serve as a historical record of my life if it is ever donated somewhere after I die, but pity to the poor fool who discovers it, as a majority of this book is about Kaveh, anyways.
Thank you for the years you have served me.
Love,
Alhaitham
(Kaveh finds the box of books years later in their new home, when he’s clearing out the storage. When Alhaitham gets back to find Kaveh sniffling over some books on the floor, it doesn’t take him long to figure out what Kaveh’s looking at.
“Oh, Kaveh,” he says, gathering his husband up in his arms and pressing a kiss to Kaveh’s wobbly smiling mouth. “You terrible snoop. You’re lucky I love you.”
And Kaveh laughs against his mouth, and Alhaitham smiles. His life has turned out pretty perfect.)