Work Text:
Herman stared desperately at the soggy, waterlogged mess of a cardboard box in front of him. Head in his left hand, with the other impatiently drumming his fingers on the (now) wet table in front of him, he racked his brain for any other ideas on how to gift wrap a present.
Unfortunately, Christmas was surprisingly the busiest day in SDN history- and it was in about a week. Apparently most criminals thought the holiday was the best day to commit their stupid crimes, because there was no way that SDN would force their superheroes to work on Christmas of all holidays, which meant that SDN then had to force their superheroes to work on Christmas. Upon hearing the entire Z-Team would have to work that day with no bonus, chaos ensued rapidly, and all Herm wanted to do was to ease the pain a bit by surprising everyone with a small present.
In his haste, he forgot about his helpful yet infuriating power that instantly turned cardboard boxes to wet sand.
Luckily, the mess of what was a cardboard box, gift wrap, and wet tape had been a practice box for Herm to attempt to wrap, to no avail. He thought about using gift bags, but the same issue would occur. Decorated boxes would also melt in his fingers. Sighing and giving up for the night, he grabbed a towel (the break room had a cabinet labeled "WATERBOY'S TOWELS" implimented soon after he started working) and tried his best to clean the mess.
"Usually I don' see you at dis hour, Brah," a booming voice came from behind him. Herm almost screamed at the surprise, but managed to only let loose a pathetic squeak instead. "What you doin' here?"
Unsurprisingly, Herm was immediately intimidated by the beast of a man Royd, but still knew he was genuinely a great guy. "I am, uh, at-attempting to wrap, a uh, present…" Royd looked somewhat confused. "But my hands, I am, my hands are a-always, you know…" he stuttered, sheepishly looking down at his hands.
"Oh, right, your hands," Royd responded. Herm was making quick work, scurrying and trying his best to clean his crime scene of a Christmas present. Royd furrowed his brows a bit, seemingly wracking some idea in his brain. "You know, I could make something for da problem you 'ave. I think I 'ave some material left over I could use to make a pair a' waterproof gloves."
Somewhat panicking at the thought of being given any help, Herm immediately tripped over his words (harder than usual, anyway). "O-Oh! You don't, if you don't, have to, if you uh, d-don't want to. I don't want- I'm not-"
"Ah, no big deal," Royd replied. "It would be easy tah! Between da astral pulse and a pair ah gloves, da gloves will definitely be easier." He laughed at his own joke. "I'll drop dem off in a couple days- can you wait dat long?"
"A, uh, couple d-days is, great! It's great, yeah, wonderful!" Herm couldn't lie, he was hopeful and also anxious about receiving a new pair of gloves. He'd tried many pairs, and the current pair was the best at retaining water, and he had just seen how that went when wrapping a lame cardboard box.
"Great. Now you go home, and you sleep," Royd seemed to command. He left without another word, leaving Herm to wonder what the hell just happened.
@)---'--,---
A few days had flown by almost suspiciously fast, and at the end of the 23rd day of December, Herman had opened his locker to find a thick pair of black gloves and a small note. Carefully drying his hands the best he physically could, he held up the corner of the note.
"The gloves will trap all the moisture in your hands, and it will leak out the bottom of the glove. So if you are gonna do any more gift wrapping, you need to wear long sleeves. They should fit good, but a little loose. -Royd"
Making sure no other heroes were looking at him in the locker room, he took the gloves and hastily shoved them in his pockets, immediately making them wet. Internal facepalm. Breathing out a couple goodbyes to the Z-Team in his ears, he turned off his mic and quickly slipped out to go home.
On the bus ride there, he carefully took out his new gloves as if they, too, were going to disintegrate. Although he thought he had gotten them wet, they seemed to actually be dry on the outside. Putting them on, he found they were exactly what Royd had said they'd feel- they fit good, and a little loose. It almost felt like he was wearing plastic, yet it was oddly comfortable. He watched as water slowly dripped out of the gloves and onto his suit. Beaming with wide eyes, he could cry right there on his waterlogged bus seat. Little did Royd know, he had accidentally given Herm the best Christmas gift he had ever been given.
When he got home, he felt the need to experiment with his newfound equipment. His grandma was already fast asleep, so he needed to be quiet. Starting off small, he went to the kitchen and quietly ripped a paper towel off of its roll. And, almost like magic, the sheet stayed perfectly dry in his gloved hand. No disintegrating, no folding in on itself, no wet condensation. Just… a paper towel. Herm could practically scream with joy (and now he was crying, over the smallest thing in the world).
He eyed a decorative towel hanging off the stove, and briefly touched it. Though there was more water on his arms leaking slightly down to the floor, the towel stayed dry. Of course he couldn't quite feel the towel itself, but the gloves gave him a surprising amount of dexterity. Everything about this was surprising.
His favorite cat, Kiki, suddenly jumped on the counter, curious about all the commotion. Now was the real test. He carefully put a gloved finger on her tiny forehead…
And Kiki let him, staring at him confused as to why he was booping her forehead. Smiling, he began stroking her, as she began purring and gently headbutting his hand. Then she accidentally rubbed against his soaking wet arm, and cartoonishly ran away. Good enough.
As he got to his bedroom, he gently put his gloves on his nightstand, as if they'd run away if he wasn't nice to them. He decided he'd wrap presents tomorrow, and he would have to come to work incredibly early on Christmas to surprise everyone.
@)---'--,---
As he slammed his hand down on his alarm clock set for four in the morning, for a brief moment he regretted ever wanted to surprise his team with Christmas presents. Four in the morning was way to early for anything to exist, let alone Herman.
And then he got over himself, and got out of bed. He had gotten a present for every member on his team, and though they were all small and (hopefully) thoughtful, that was a lot of presents to carry at once. Comically, like a budget Santa Clause, he opted to carefully load each decorated gift in a very large trash bag. Setting out his grandma's daily pills, food for the cats, and moving frozen chicken to the fridge, he grabbed his sack of presents and headed out.
After riding the bus and choosing to ignore the stares he usually got (although maybe this time was because he was carrying around what could be a body in a trash bag), he arrived at the building at a cool 4:20 A.M.. Slinking around the building, he was thankful that there were almost zero cars in the parking lot.
The mens locker room would be his first stop. He had made note of all of his teammates lockers in here, and thanks to a lesson on breaking and entering from Courtney, he knew exactly how to unlock them. With a yawn, he broke into the lockers of Victor, Chad, Colm, Bruno, Phenomaman, and was even able to find Royd's locker as well. Ignoring the fact that it felt like he was breaking and entering, he made swift and dry work.
His blood ran cold for a second. Crap. His next stop would have to be the ladies locker room. He hesitantly looked at the locker room and…
He walked to Robert's desk instead, choosing to put the rest of the presents there. He couldn't bring himself to walk into the ladies room, even with nobody there. It might bother Robert that there were now five gifts instead of the intended one gift, but it was better than feeling like a pervert.
Dropping a small present for Beef and for Chase, and quickly putting Mandy's present at the door to her locked office, he then tossed the garbage bag in the trashcan in the break room, and had just about thirty minutes before his shift started. Most people would be anxious running time this close, but it was honestly a surprise when anyone from the Z-Team made it to their shift on time (Robert not included).
There was one more thing he had to do to get away with the perfect crime. He rushed back to the locker room, and very, very carefully, put his gloves inside a tiny store bought pre-decorated box in his own locker. That way, nobody could possibly suspect him. He wanted to see everyone's reaction to their gift before they inevitably figured out it was him. Call him selfish, but he knew the team would probably make fun of him before even opening up the damn gift.
Right on cue, about ten people flooded into the locker room at once, all of them ignoring the weirdo that had gotten there early on Christmas. They were all also bickering about the fact that they had to work on Christmas. Sighing a breath of relief, Herm opened his locker, pretending that he needed literally anything in there.
"Oh, what the fuck is this, then!?" a distinct Irish voice called out. Most people ignored it, but Herm snuck a small peek to Colm, who was holding a small decorated package in his hands. Colm was looking around wildly, trying to find a single culprit.
Seeing nobody react to him with a few people peeking their heads over to watch, he immediately ripped into the package to open it. Herm attempted not to wince as he did so- wrapping presents took time god dammit -but it was worth it seeing the immediate smile on Colm's face.
"Alright, which one of you fuckers got me this? Eh? Was it you?" He jabbed a finger in the chest of the guy who had a locker next to him, then they both laughed it off. Herm had gotten him a very respectable bottle of mustache oil- not the cheap kind Colm would usually get at the drug store. A few other people immediately opened their lockers as well, Victor and Royd included. Herm hadn't noticed they'd gotten their way in.
"Yooo, what the hell!" exclaimed Victor. Instead of tearing into it immediately he held it and stared at it. "I don't think I've ever gotten one of these before- who the hell had time to wrap it like this?" Using a small arsenal of wrapping supplies his grandma had, Herm made sure that each present was very uniquely wrapped, with ribbon and bows and all sorts of other charms. Colm's was wrapped in various shades of greens, Victors in shades of black, and Alice's gift was even decorated with some gemstones he managed to find in his grandmother's craft supply.
Royd opened his locker, and immediately made eyes with Herm. He smiled, and gave him a wink. Herm released a breath he didn't know he was holding in. Royd was going to keep this secret to himself.
"Well open it, lads!" Colm exclaimed. "It's got some gorgeous wrapping on it, though." The two opened their gift, thankfully a little less barbaric than Colm. Royd had gotten a smart chain for his glasses since he always misplaced them when he was working, and Victor got a mat brush for his fur (that was, subsequentially, always matted).
"Wait, this is actually kinda neat," Victor said. "Who the fuck gave me this- Hey Waterboy! Was this you!?" he shouted, making eye contact immediately.
Admittedly his heart nearly leaped out of his ribcage, and he started leaking profusely. "N-No! No, not, not me!" he shouted back.
"Well do you have a present?" Colm retorted suspiciously.
"I-I don't know, I, uh…" He opened his locker, and lo-and-behold, a present was waiting for him. "O-Oh!! I have one!!!" he shouted with fake surprise. Pretending to not know it was him who put his own gloves in the damn box, and pretending to be so excited he nearly ripped the box, he tore out his waterproof gloves. "Th-they're new, new gloves!" He pretended to eagerly put them on, thankful for their existence again.
"Are people from the Z-Team getting presents?" some random person asked. Bruno, Chad, and Phenomaman were also in by that time, and they enthusiastically checked their lockers (once someone explained the concept of a secret Santa to Phenomaman).
Bruno had unwrapped his new wired headphones, Chad his new smudge proof eyeliner, and Phenomaman his own bottle of mustache oil (which was a different kind, being that his mustache appeared to be different from Colm's.) Surprisingly, everyone on the team were all incredibly shocked and somewhat flattered from the surprise gift. Sneaking a smile to himself, Herm slipped away after causing complete chaos in the locker room.
And then he immediately bumped into Robert.
"A-Ah! Sorry Rob-Robert, I didn't see, uh, you uh-"
"Herman. Why the hell were there five exquisitely wrapped Christmas presents on my desk." He didn't seem mad, but he did seem already tired by the incredible amount of chaos caused by the gifts. Herm was slightly regretting his decisions now, but still felt good about them.
"I- Uh, I don't, I don't know! I got one t-too!" He held up his gloves eagerly, doing well to hide the fact that he did everything. "W… Waterproof!"
"Huh. Well that… doesn't add up then. Blonde Blazer got a nice compact, Courtney got a really awesome lighter, Malevola and Coop both got blade polishers, and I don't even know what Ali-"
"WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS GOT ME THESE CUTE ASS SHADES IN THIS CUTE ASS PRESENT!?" came a shrill voice from Robert's desk. Well Alice clearly liked her gift. The two of them spun around towards the sound of the shrill but happy shrieking, and Herm used this as a means to slip away.
Dispatching the team had to be hell on Robert, and though Herm felt guilty, he felt better knowing he had at least brightened the days of his coworkers who had to work on Christmas. The gruff and usual voice of Robert's came through his earpiece, as he gave his usual good morning to everyone.
"I know it sucks working on Christmas, but you all have only one shift today. Survive for five hours and then you can go home and do whatever the hell you want," Robert spoke.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Who the fuck was giving all of us presents!?" Alice asked. And then chaos ensued. Herm thought it was in his best interest to keep quiet.
"Well, whomever it was, they gave me quite a stellar gift. It's a completely black coffee mug," Robert said, breaking up the other voices. Herm mentally facepalmed again for the fifteenth time today- it's not pitch black, it's one of those mugs that shows images when you put a hot drink in it. "Not only that, but the mysterious Santa Clause got Beef some dog treats, and got Chase some anti-wrinkle cream."
"I'm pissed off and I'm thankful!" Chase yelled from his side of the cubicle.
"Alright who the FUCK got Robert the crappy gift," said Sonar. "I'll kick their ass."
"Kick people's asses off the clock please. And head to fifteenth and thirty-second, there's a hostage situation I'm making you defuse."
And a painfully long hour then ensued, between people raving about how great their gift was, and Herm certain that Robert was never going to fill his mug with coffee. Whatever, he'll figure it out soon enough. He tried his best to navigate criminal after criminal, mostly dealing with petty theft and the occasional arson.
"Malevola, I'll need you to go with Phenomaman on that bank robbery. And Chad, you'll have to-" His dispatch was suddenly ended.
"I'll have to what, Robert? What, you fucking die or something?" Herm tried to remain as normal as he possibly could.
Laughter broke out from the previously grumpy Robert. "Finally," thought Herm. "I thought he'd never use it!"
Through stumbled laughter and demanding prys from the Z-Team, Robert finally choked out the picture on his mug. "When I filled my damn cup with coffee," he laughed, "It started showing an image on it!"
This only riled up the team more, with each person loudly demanding what was on the stupid cup. "Spit it out then, Robert!" yelled Colm specifically.
"It's a picture that says, 'Number One Dispatcher,'" Robert giggled, "and it's over a picture of Beef!"
The team began howling with laughter, with Herm included who was laughing at his own stupid joke. Beef the dog, the number one dispatcher. Suddenly, getting up at four in the morning, lugging a half dozen presents in the building, and causing absolute chaos was completely worth it.
"So who the hell gave us all the gifts?" asked Courtney. "None of them were labeled with anything except our names."
"I have my suspicions, but honestly, I don't know," Robert replied. Herm hoped to god he still didn't suspect him. "All of us got gifts- and Blonde Blazer got one too, so it wasn't her."
And the rest of the shift went by smoothly, with everyone pooling bets as to who designed the whole ordeal. Herm didn't know if he should be thankful or offended that his name wasn't in the betting pool.
@)---'--,---
After a shift that seemed to fly by, Herman was once again in the showers, thankful for his new gloves. He was the last one out again- or so he thought, until Robert came in for a hot shower.
"O-Oh, hey boss, uh, sir," Herm stammered. He wasn't even that nervous, his stammer was just always present.
Robert grabbed his things, getting ready for his shower. His apartment probably shut his hot water off again. "Hey Herm." He made it about three steps away before he turned around again. "Before you leave, I got a question."
"Mm?" Herm hummed in response. His hand was on the door handle.
"How did you get that picture of Beef?"
Herm smiled very slightly, and opening the door, he stammered, "I have, h-have no id- clue what you're t-talking about, R-Robert." He then shut the door, leaving Robert alone and probably knowing it was him all along.