Chapter Text
Sirius stared out into the distance as he stood at the edge of the Astronomy tower. The moon was shining, taunting. The stars seemed to mock him too, especially his own. It was everything he used to be. The brightest star in the Black sky. Happy. Bright. Carefree. Loved.
That was gone now
And it was all his fault.
***
It wasn't supposed to happen.
It was supposed to be just another full moon.
Snape came out of nowhere.
He really got into Sirius' head. Literally.
"Please, you really think any of your little blood-traitor friends care about you?"
"You know, Regulus always used to talk about how annoying and how much of a disgrace you are. But now? He doesn't mention you. He probably doesn't even remember you exist."
"But hey, what even is there to remember? How annoying you are? How loud and dumb you sound? How stupid your and Potter's pranks are? Or maybe how stupid you were for choosing a gang of mutts over the Most Powerful and Ancient House of Black?"
"Yeah, because your greasy presence was something I want to associate with."
Sirius had snapped back while trying to side-step Snivellus to get to the Shrieking Shack, but the greasy boy blocked his path.
"Wow, did I strike a nerve? Maybe it pisses you off so much because you know it's true-"
"I said SHUT UP and get the hell out of my way, Snivellus!"
Snape sneered.
"Already getting worked up, Black? I haven't even gotten to that disgusting abomination you and Lupin call a 'relationship'."
Sirius froze. No no no nonono-
"What- what are you on about?"
"Don't play dumb, Black. It's not like you were trying to hide it." Snape spoke with barely contained disgust. "I've always known you were a stain to the Most Powerful and Ancient House of Black, but a fag? Well, I certainly hadn't seen it coming."
Sirius had fallen silent then, and the Slytherin took the opportunity to execute his plan.
He entered Sirius' mind using Legilimency and found out about Remus and the Shrieking Shack. By the time Sirius came to, Snape was already gone.
He ran.
He ran to James and told him that Snape knew.
James didn't ask questions.
Didn't ask what happened.
He just sprinted to the Shrieking Shack.
He managed to pull Snivellus back right before Moony bit his head off. The next day, Remus was in the hospital wing with James and Peter.
Sirius tried to go to the hospital wing too, to check on Remus, but James didn't let him.
"You've done enough, Sirius."
He had sounded so angry.
So tired.
But what really got to Sirius?
The disappointment in his eyes.
Like he thought Sirius was better than his family. That Sirius had proved him wrong.
***
"Moony, plea-"
"Don't. Don't you dare call me that!"
"Remus, please, I'm so sorry I didn't mean-"
"Oh, you're sorry, aren't you?!"
Remus turned around with a gaze so murderous Sirius flinched back instinctively.
"What for? For telling Snape my biggest secret? For almost making me a murderer? A monster? For almost proving everyone that thinks werewolves should be put down right?!"
"Remus please let me explain-"
"NO. I DON'T NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ME!"
Remus had all but shouted at him. Sirius had stepped back out of pure reflex. Remus never shouted at him. Never. He knew what loud voices did to Sirius.
I deserve it IdeserveitIdesevreitIdesevreit
When Remus noticed his reaction as he lowered his voice again.
"You told Snape. You can't talk your way out of this one, Black."
Black. Remus called him Black. He knew how much he hated being called that.
Deserved it deserved it repentrepentrepentrepent
"Remus, I-"
But he cut him off.
"Don't. I can't believe I thought you were better than your family. Stay away from me, Black."
And with that Sirius broke.
How could he have believed he could be better? How dare he try to act like he was different when the poison was already spreading through his veins, turning everything blackbkackblackblackblack.
How could he let Snape into his mind? If he had been stronger smarter, better- he could've stopped him.
That night, while smoking a pack of cigarettes and extinguishing them on his arm, he had sworn to never bother Moony again.
Even if it pains him.
Even if it kills him.
He hopes it does.
***
Sirius feels numb.
It's been 2 months since the Incident.
He feels like he hasn't spoken in weeks (he hasn't), his throat dry and his lips chapped. But he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything anymore.
Sometimes, he gets howlers from his parents. It's not like they ever stopped, but since he had gotten Regulus out of that house the year before, he had been burning them without hearing them. But now?
He listened to every single word.
Every "disgraceful blood-traitor."
Every "ungrateful brat."
Every "disgusting fag".
He knows, deep down, that he shouldn't listen. That they're wrong. That he should just burn the letters and move on.
But he can't.
Because he deserves it. For hurting Remus, for telling Snape, for disappointing James.
He's tired to the bone, but at night he's restless and can't sleep.
He's hungry, but when he sees food his stomach turns.
He wants to talk to someone, to feel like a real person instead of a ghost, but his voice feels like sandpaper and what would even be the point? It's not like anyone would want to talk to him.
That's how he often found himself in the Astronomy Tower, where he had started sleeping to avoid the dorm, with a pair of scissors he stole from Lily that he uses to cut up his thighs.
He knows it's fucked up.
He knows he's a freak and that he's disgusting for enjoying it.
But it's the only time he feels anything anymore.
But that can't last forever.
He thinks as he sits down at the edge of the tower leaning down slightly. It's dark, you can't quite see the ground. Sirius finds it comforting. He can just pretend he's falling down into Remus' bed at the end of a long day, finally home in his Moony's arms.
It'll finally be quiet.
He'll be able to sleep.
Sirius had put on one Remus' jumpers that he had stolen before the Incident happened. He hadn't allow himself to touch it until now, but he gave himself one small comfort. He didn't know if he'd have it where he is going.
He extinguished one last cigarette on his arm and threw the bud into the pit of darkness.
Sirius had begun to let go of the railing when he heard a voice that was all to familiar shout his name.
"SIRIUS?!"
He turned around to face the source of the sound. Regulus was standing right behind him, looking rather concerned, bordering on frightened.
Sirius was suddenly aware of how this all looked to Regulus, him, in Remus's sweater, at the edge of the Astronomy tower, dried tears on his face.
"Sirius, what the actual fuck!?" Regulus tried not to shout, knowing it wouldn't do this situation any good. He started to step towards Sirius slowly, like approaching a wild animal.
Only then did Regulus notice the blood seeping through his brother's leggings. His stomach dropped.
"Sirius- Siri, come back here, please." Regulus tried to keep his voice steady, but it appeared to be a losing battle when his big brother was this close to the edge.
"Reggie, go back inside." Sirius said, voice barely above a whisper, trying to keep his voice steady. "You don't have to see this-" He could feel his hand slipping, the rain making it harder to hold on.
"Siri- Come back here-"
"NO!" Sirius cried out.
Regulus winced at the shriel desperation in his brother's voice.
Sirius took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore, Reggie. I want to stop feeling like this."
"Siri, whatever you think you did, it's not your fault, and it's not worth killing yourself over." Regulus is only a few feet from Sirius. He could sprint and grab him, but that would only scare him more.
Sirius laughed, bitterly.
"You don't know what happened. If you knew, you'd hate me too."
"Try me." Regulus challenged, determined on keeping Sirius talking and alive.
Sirius was quiet for a long moment. Then he laughed again, but it wasn't a happy sound. It was bordering on a sob.
"What's the point? I'll be dead in a few minutes anyway."
"No, you won't because I'm not letting you."
Sirius' gaze hardened. He could feel the railing digging into his palm.
"Go back inside, Regulus."
"No. You can't do this Sirius."
"Why not? It's not like anyone will miss me."
Regulus was stunned. Where did that come from?
"What the hell are you talking about? There are so many people who will miss you. I will miss you, James will miss you, Peter will miss you, Remus will miss-"
"NO THEY WON'T."
Regulus was so close to him. Just a few extra steps and he could grab Sirius and get him away from there. He had to keep him talking.
"What do you mean, of course they would! Potter is basically your other brother, Pettigrew follows you lot around like a puppy, and Lupin- well, he's head over heels for you, so I don't understand how you could think-"
"Was." Sirius' voice was so quiet and empty.
"I-what?"
"Remus was head over heels for me. Until I fucked it all up. James was like another brother, until I disappointed him and proved him I was just like mother. Peter will always side with them and he should. He should because I'm a monster, I'm a traitor, I'm a liar and a giant prick and I'm just like her."
Regulus stood there, too stunned to speak. Sirius continued.
"I blamed Snape at first, you know. He was the one who used Legilimency, after all. But now? I know it was my fault. If I had been stronger, I could've stopped him. If I had been better, smarter, hell, even a little faster, I could've avoided that situation. So yeah, I'm the only one to blame. I deserve every bit of pain I can get. And Moon- Remus deserves to be safe from me. To not have to worry I'll hurt him again. So, please Regulus, just go back inside and let me get what I deserve."
Sirius closed his eyes and began to let go of the railing. Then, Regulus snapped out of his stunned daze and rushed forward.
He caught Sirius just as he let go of the railing. They stood there, Sirius dangling from the edge of the tower, Regulus holding onto his arm like his life depended on it, which it did.
Two brothers.
Two stars.
One who was close to falling and one who had managed to rise back up.
Regulus pulled Sirius back up and hugged him tightly. Tears started streaming down his face as Sirius began to talk.
"I'm sorry Reggie, I'm so sorry, I just can't do it anymore, I'm sorry Reggie please don't cry, it's okay-" His voice was scratchy and rough and wrong.
"NO SIRIUS IT IS NOT OKAY. You just tried to kill yourself and now you're trying to reassure me! Are you insane?!"
Sirius managed a small, wobbly laugh between sobs, but didn't respond.
The two brothers stood there in silence, both lost in thought. Regulus couldn't believe he had ignored all the signs. He had noticed that the other marauders weren't speaking to Sirius, but when he'd asked James about it, he got defensive, so he had decided to drop it but kept an eye on Sirius anyway. Regulus had seen his brother get weaker, more tired, more subdued. He had seen the light snuffed out of him, and he had once locked eyes with his brother. Sirius' eyes had looked dead.
That's why he had decided to look for him, and now they were here, and Regulus couldn't stop thinking about the fact that if he had ignored that look, if he had decided to wait until the next day, if he had been just a few seconds too late, Sirius would've been gone.
Regulus couldn't let that happen. Wouldn't let that happen.
"Hey, Siri." Regulus spoke gently, like Sirius could snap any second.
"Mfhm." Sirius mumbled, already half asleep. He had definetly had a really long day.
"Can you get up? We should probably go to bed. I'll take you to the Gryffindor Tower-"
Regulus had barely finished the sentence when Sirius jumped up and scrambled to his feet.
"No, no, no, I'm NOT sleeping there. It will just make them uncomfortable and- and- I can't do that to them, I've already hurt them enough I-"
Regulus grabbed Sirius' shoulders.
"Sirius. Breathe. You're hyperventilating. I'm not going to force you to go to Griffindor Tower, okay?"
Sirius took a deep breath and nodded, relieved. Regulus took that as a sign to continue.
"We're going to the Slytherin Common Room. There's an extra bed since we kicked Snape out-"
"You kicked Snape out?" Sirius asked, confused.
"Well, more like hexed him out." Regulus explained. "He walked in on Barty and Evan making out on their bed and started yelling at them and calling them slurs. So we hexed his arse out of there."
Sirius snorted, imagining Snape getting chased around by a bunch of angry queer slytherins throwing hexes at him.
"Anyway. There's a free bed. And I'm not letting you out of my sight for a while."
Sirius' smile, that had started forming with the image of Snape getting his arse handed to him, dropped instantly.
"What? But-"
"No buts, Sirius." Regulus interrupted. "You just tried to kill yourself. I hadn't even seen you in weeks until tonight, knowing you, you probably haven't eaten in god knows how long and- Merlin, Sirius, you're bleeding!"
Sirius looked down where Regulus was pointing. His leggings were soaked with blood from the cuts he had made earlier that day. Huh. He hadn't even felt it. Maybe that shows just how rotten he is on the inside.
"It's fine. It doesn't hurt."
Regulus looked at him like he had grown a second head.
"Are you serious right now?!"
Sirius gave him a half-hearted attempt at his signature smirk.
"Of course, I'm always Sirius."
Regulus looked like he was debating whether to hug him or strangle him with his own tie. He decided on just grabbing Sirius' arm and dragging him out of the Astronomy Tower and towards the dungeons.
"I have some bandages in my nightstand. I'm going to heal your wounds, bandage them, get you some clean clothes, get all your stuff from the tower and get you some food, then you go to sleep. Understood?"
Sirius wanted to argue. Wanted to tell Regulus that he shouldn't help him, that he should just let him rot in a hell of his own making, to not let Sirius poison him with his presence.
He didn't have the energy to fight. He didn't have the energy to do the right thing and make Regulus get far, far away from him, for his brother's own safety. Because Sirius is poison, he is a traitor, he's rotten to the core, he's like a disease ready to spread to everyone he loves and he can't let that happen-
"Understood."