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Chicago is cold, the bitter kind that seeps down into the bones, and Jay hates it. The harsh wind bites at his face and he hunches his shoulders, tucking his chin to his chest as he stands amongst the holiday travelers rushing in and out through the doors of O'Hare. Everyone seems so cheerful, and he figures they should considering the time of year, but he can't help feeling a bit jealous of them.
And as cold as it is, he has missed it, a nostalgic sense of finally being home bursting through him even if the city that was once just that hasn't been his actual home in years.
He swore he'd never come back, but his brother hadn't given him much of a choice and with the holidays, it was as good a time as any to return. Will and Natalie did just that, returning home to the Windy City the year before, wanting to be closer to what was left of her family and their friends, and even more so now that they had welcomed another baby boy into the world.
Jay had never really been around babies much before, but the day he held his nephew in his arms for the first time was like someone had squeezed his heart like a vise and never let go. Family is everything, but as quickly as that feeling of home had spread warmth through him, he shivers against the cold and the regret that lingers in his chest now instead. He should visit more, make more of an effort, but even though Chicago holds some of the best memories for him, it also holds the absolute worst.
Blonde hair and blue eyes and a soft, dimpled smile that was once only reserved for him flash through his mind before he can stop it. He wonders if he'll see her, if the universe will throw him a bone and let them bump into one another. The thought makes the side of his mouth quirk into a hopeful smile that drops even faster than it came at the realization that she probably wouldn't want to see him.
The regret in his chest grows tighter like an overfilled balloon ready to burst. He takes a deep breath and lets it out through his nose, then shakes his head, and his thoughts away along with it.
He digs his phone out of his jacket pocket and swipes away at the screen, and a few minutes later the device chimes with a notification that his Uber is nearly already there.
He tightens his grip on the duffle slung over his shoulder, rocking back and forth on his heels for the few minutes it takes for a black sedan to pull up in front of him.
He confirms the license plate and throws a wave and friendly enough smile to the driver through the passenger side window before he pulls open the back door.
"Jay?"
"That's me. How's it going man?"
"Good, good. Hoping I'd get a few rides in today," the older man says, casting a glance through the rearview. "Warm enough back there for ya?"
"Yeah, all good. Thanks," Jay says, settling into the seat.
"Cutting it close, aren't ya?"
Jay looks up from his phone, eyebrows crinkling. "Excuse me?"
"With it being the night of Christmas Eve and all. Busy day to travel."
"Oh, yeah."
"You live in Chicago, or just visiting for the holidays?"
Jay takes in a deep, quiet breath, and forces a polite smile. Of course he'd get a chatty driver today.
"Born and raised, but I moved away several years ago."
"Welcome home! Bet it's good to be back. Nothing like Chicago. Especially at Christmas!" The guy gives a good-hearted chuckle, jolly and sincere, and completely oblivious to the discomfort of his passenger.
"Yeah, it's something. That's for sure," Jay says, his smile waning. "Listen, I had a long flight and I'm kinda tired. Do you mind turning up the radio until we get to where we're going?"
"Not at all. You rest up," he says with another smile and not another word as he turns the radio dial.
Dean Martin's voice comes through the speakers with the classic rendition of Let It Snow and Jay tips his head back, relaxing in his seat.
He stares aimlessly out the window, and as the driver takes them further away from the airport, he can't help the memory that flickers through his mind of the last time he was home.
Jay is leaving — the police force, Chicago, her — and Hailey stands there staring at him, left speechless, wondering if she's heard him correctly.
He tries to explain himself, listing off reasons why he needs to go and how it'll be good for him, but selfishly, all she can think about is how wrong it all feels until he's pressing his lips to hers in a bruising kiss. He cradles her face in his hands, holding her steady between him and the back of their couch and anchoring her in place the way he has always managed to do.
They've kissed plenty of times before now. Sweet and slow in their lazy morning hours of sleeping in, and hard and fast when they just need to get off, but this is different. It is different in a way they've never encountered. It's not a last kiss by any means, but it will certainly be their last for a while. It's a goodbye neither could have anticipated.
When Jay pulls away, he leaves her breathless, and wastes no time in wrapping an arm around her and pulling her against him in a crushing embrace. Tears stain her cheeks, eyes red-rimmed and puffy from the painful sobs that continue to rack her body as she throws her own arms around him. She turns her face into his neck, clinging to him and trying to breathe through the painful blow of knowing she's about to lose the one person she never thought she'd be without.
He flies out today. He needs to pack, and she needs to let him go.
Jay blinks back to the present, the sting of tears threatening to spill over with the image of Hailey stuck in his mind. It is an image seared into his brain, her blue eyes shimmering with tears as she stared up at him that last day, confused and heartbroken and already missing him even though he hadn't walked out the door yet.
Saliva pools in his mouth and his throat burns, his stomach clenching and chest aching. Regret lingers in every fiber of his being, a terrible pain that he's not been without, not once in the last four years.
He never should have left, and he was a coward for it, for taking the easy way out, for leaving her behind and ruining the greatest thing that had ever been his.
Running away hadn't helped him at all, staying gone hadn't either, it only made things worse, and somehow he was an even bigger coward now than he was back then.
It's snowing by the time his Uber driver slows the car to a stop in Will and Natalie's neighborhood, hard and sideways the way Chicago does best during the winter months. Jay thanks his driver and wishes the man a good holiday before grabbing up his duffel and stepping out of the car.
In the short the time it takes him to walk up onto the curb and to the front door, his boots are sullen with salt and snow. The sun has long since set and there is no keeping out the cold now. The wind whips around him and he squints against it, but he doesn't turn away, welcomes it even. He figures if he can't escape the heaviness still taking up residence in his chest, numbness in his limbs is a good alternative.
He rings the doorbell and not ten seconds later, the door swings open. His brother greets him with a wide, dopey grin, wearing an ugly but still somehow charming festive sweater that looks as if he's wearing it inside out.
"Jay! You made it!" Will waves him in and takes one step to the side to make space for his brother to cross the threshold.
He closes the door with a loud thud against the harsh wind, and then loops an arm around Jay, pulling him in for a tight hug and a good squeeze.
"It's so good to see you man. I'm glad you came," Will says, squeezing his brother again before letting him go. "How was the flight?"
"Long, but I'm glad I came too. Missed you," Jay admits, his voice quiet and sincere.
"I've missed you too. We all have. Nat's in the kitchen with the baby, and Owen is around here somewhere. He's been glued to Makayla's side since she got here, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see his uncle Jay."
"I love that kid," Jay says with a soft smile, but his eyes hold a bit of curiosity now. "Makayla? So, Kim and Adam — "
Will nods. "They're here. Kev too. We've kept in touch over the years, and got a bit closer since Nat and I moved back."
Jay nods slowly, realization dawning over his face that looks a lot like hope. "Does that mean…"
"Hailey is coming. She flew in this morning. She should be here soon. Last I heard, she was on her way," Will says. He takes a step closer toward his brother, lowering his head and his voice. "Have you talked to her? Reached out at all?"
"No. I've stayed away since the divorce papers came in. I — I didn't think she'd wanna talk to me."
"You once told me that you told her she was the love of your life. You just let her go?"
"That was three years ago, Will."
"And you're still carrying a torch for her. Maybe tonight is your chance."
"At what?" Jay asks, quirking an eyebrow.
Will shrugs a shoulder, a smile spreading out over his face. "Making amends. Starting over. It is Christmas after all. Magic is in the air. Anything is possible."
"How much eggnog have you had?"
Will barks out a laugh and shrugs again. "I might have had a glass or two, but that doesn't make what I said any less true."
"I'm not getting my hopes up," Jay says, blowing out a sigh. "I'll be lucky if she even looks at me."
"Ya never know what will happen," Will says, throwing an arm around him and clapping a hand over his back. "Come on. I know everyone will be happy to see you. Need a drink?"
Jay nods, offering a tight smile. "Desperately."
His old team welcomes him with open arms and smiles, but curious eyes and too many questions of where he's been and what he's been doing. It is overwhelming in a mostly good way, but he can't help feeling guilty too. Leaving Hailey is his biggest regret, but she wasn't the only one he left behind.
He falls into easy conversation with everyone, as if no time has passed at all, the camaraderie amongst the group still there, and he realizes he has missed them all dearly.
Until the front door bursts open, thudding against the wall, and Jay looks to the entryway just as Hailey steps inside, shaking off the snow from her shoulders and the bright red scarf wrapped around her neck. His heart seizes in his chest and he swallows hard at the sight of her. He hasn't missed anyone as much as he's missed her.
She looks good, but she always did. Her hair is still the same shade of honey blonde, but it is much shorter now, ending just above her shoulders. It almost reminds him of the early days of their partnership, when she first joined Intelligence, and every moment from back then and since flashes behind his eyes and tugs at his heart. Just the sight of her makes him ache, yearning and regret whirling together deep in his gut.
Her smile is the same as he remembers as she is greeted by everyone, offering a dimpled smile that is sincere and sweet like that of her laugh when she tips her head back at whatever dumb thing Adam has undoubtedly said to her near the door. She shakes her head as if she's annoyed, but her eyes are the brightest blue and they twinkle with amusement.
Jay's jaw ticks as Adam leans closer to her, his mouth above her ear, and the dimpled grin wanes until it is gone completely. Her gaze flickers, dancing across the room until her eyes settle on him at the edge of the living room.
His heart hammers the moment their eyes connect. The world stops spinning. All that remains is him and her. Hailey sucks in a breath through half-parted lips, shock evident on her face as if seeing a ghost.
Jay gives her a subtle nod and a small smile, an olive branch of kindness hoping to be returned, but it's not.
Hailey turns away, setting her attention back on Kim and Adam, and puts on another smile. The force behind it is obvious, Jay can tell that much from across the room, and so can the couple they once worked with because Kim gives a gentle squeeze to her upper arm and Adam shoots her a supportive smile before he leans in and plops a friendly kiss to the side of Hailey's head.
Adam lingers for a beat, muttering something to Hailey that has her nodding slowly. He places a hand at her back and holds out his other arm and then leads her and Kim toward the kitchen.
Jay can't help staring after her, even as she disappears around the corner, drinking in every detail of the way she looks the same, yet very different too. Someone who doesn't know her would probably think she looks happy. But he still knows her even though he doesn't have the right to anymore, and he wonders if she ever feels as lonely as he does.
It's a harsh bite of reality, more bitter than the wind that blew in through the door with his ex-wife's entrance. It slices through him, burning like a thousand paper cuts all over his body, shooting straight into his chest where his heart aches for hers.
A voice in his head screams, Coward, coward, coward.
Hailey cradles a glass of wine between shaky hands as if it's the holy grail of an anchor keeping her in place, keeping her from breaking down completely in the home of her ex-husband's brother and sister-in-law.
Will had reached out not long after the papers were filed and even though he was legally no longer her brother-in-law, he still treated her like family. She was grateful. But seeing Jay after all the time that had passed and the hurt and damage that was done was a reality she hadn't been prepared to face despite the head's up she'd been given.
The moment her eyes found him, it all came rushing back. Every ignored call and text, days that turned into months with no communication at all, him never coming home. All the work she'd done in the year she spent in therapy after leaving Chicago seemed to evaporate with a single, second long glance between them.
Hailey pulls in a deep breath and blows it out shakily before lifting her wine glass to her lips. She chugs it down, but wine won't cut it anymore. Not for tonight.
She smiles politely at a couple she passes at the bar cart, then grabs a cocktail glass and reaches for the whiskey.
She barely manages down a sip when her body goes rigid, but her heart remains at a gallop in her chest. She feels his presence before she sees him and tightens her grip on the glass of amber liquid in her hand.
"Hi Hailey."
The sound of her name leaving his lips sends a shiver up her spine. She hasn't heard his voice in so long, but it's one she'd recognize anywhere.
That low, gravel like tone, but a softness at the edges as he says her name. She swallows hard, stands a little straighter, then turns and comes face to face with the one man who she knows without a doubt will always have her heart even if a part of it will always remain broken because of him.
"Hello Jay," she says, aiming for polite and seemingly successful when he gives her a slow smile.
"How are you?"
How is she? She's pretty certain she might throw up actually. The nerves don't cease, her heart still races, and she's not sure if it's because of the lingering resentment she can't fully squash or the way that just the sight of him still makes her ache in all the right places.
He looks the same as when she last saw him. Towering height over her small frame, strong shoulders, short hair, painfully beautiful green eyes, and a boyish twinge of charm to his smile that could make her say yes to just about anything.
"It's good to see you," Jay goes on when she says nothing.
"Wish I could say the same," Hailey says without missing a beat.
"Uh, ouch," he breathes out through a nervous chuckle, rocking on his feet. "Guess I deserved that."
"No, you didn't," Hailey says, shaking her head. She blows out a heavy sigh. "That was…it was rude. I don't wanna be mean or make a scene here. We can do small talk. I'm good. In D.C. now. How are you? Heard from Natalie and Will you've been out in Seattle. How are you liking it?"
"Hailey, don't do that. I don't want small talk. I just…I wanted to — " Jay huffs another breath. "Fuck. I just wanted to talk to you. We don't need to act like we're strangers."
"But who's acting, Jay? We basically are strangers. I haven't seen you in years or talked to you in even longer for that matter, and you come over here as if we can chat and catch up like we're old friends or something."
"I know exactly how long it's been since I last saw you. Since I heard your voice," Jay says, his gaze cutting into hers so deeply she glances away for a moment. "We would've been married four years nearly three weeks ago. We're divorced instead."
Her eyes cut back to his in a harsh slant, a fire in them now. "And whose fault is that, Jay?"
It isn't meant to sound as accusatory as it does, but it is the truth, one Jay can't fault her for voicing aloud.
"I definitely deserved that," he says, lifting a hand to the back of his head. "I wasn't sure if I'd see you, coming back this weekend, but I didn't think it would feel like this if I did."
Hailey nods slowly, then sets her forgotten drink down and crosses her arms over her chest. She almost shrinks in on herself, her shoulders sagging as she blows out a deep breath.
"Does it feel like someone reached inside of you and ripped your heart from your body? Does it feel like your future and everything you've ever wanted was stolen from you? Does it hurt beyond anything you ever could've imagined? Does it feel like nothing will ever be the same again? Because that's how I felt when you left me and you didn't come back."
Jay stays silent, and the distraught look on his face doesn't quite make her feel the way she thought it would to lash out at him. But she goes on, not caring less if she comes across as rude anymore. She deserves this much, to be able to lay it all out there so he knows exactly what he put her through and the damage he caused when he left her behind.
"Jesus Christ, Jay. Did you even blink when you got the divorce papers? Did you even think about calling me to try and change my mind? To fix it?"
"Would you have picked up if I did?" He asks, and her eyes go wide in surprise.
Would she have? She missed him so much back then, loved him even more, despite being angry. She probably would have. And it's another startling and painful realization to know she still does love him even after all of it. That she always will. That no amount of closure or therapy will change that. She can't help wondering it that makes her a coward, if it makes her weak. If there will ever be another that she loves so deeply and easily.
"I think I would have done anything back then to keep you," Hailey admits quietly, and it's Jay's eyes that widen then, surprise and sadness and maybe a twinge of hope reflecting in them.
"Do you think we could ever…that we might…" Jay goes quiet as he breathes in and breathes out, not sure how to ask what he so desperately wants to, and then he takes another deep breath. Will's voice whispers in his head about making amends and second chances and he figures he has nothing left to lose when he's lost everything already. "Is there any chance for us to be us again?"
"You can't ask me something like that," Hailey says, and the tiny ember of hope that was flickering inside him goes out. "We can't do this now. Not here. People are starting to stare."
"Let them. I don't fucking care. I just care about you and this conversation and…and I need to try, Hailey."
"Why should I?"
"What?"
"Why should I give you another chance? Give me one good reason," Hailey says, challenging and daring, her eyes on him, seeing right through him just as she's always been able to.
"I — " Jay sighs, defeat in just one syllable. He doesn't have a good reason. Not one good enough to convince her he's worth another chance that he certainly doesn't deserve.
Hailey shakes her head, seemingly disappointed but not surprised. "You come find me if you can ever answer that."
She turns and walks away, and Jay keeps his eyes on her as she moves through the room with another smile on her face when she sidles up beside his sister-in-law with his newest nephew in her arms.
The pain in his chest sharpens as Natalie hands over her babbling son and Hailey reaches for him without question, cuddling him to her chest and letting him play with the necklace dangling below her chin.
Another shot of pain rips through him as he replays their conversation. The talk of a future she said was stolen from her. Would they have had kids if they'd stayed together? He thinks they would. At least one by now. Maybe a little girl the spitting image of her mom, or maybe a little boy who stares up at her with big, bright eyes and a happy grin like she's his whole world the same as his nephew does right now.
His head drops, shoulders sagging. He needs another drink.
The party is dying down, the kids are sacked out, and Jay hasn't had the courage to face Hailey again not once in the last two hours that have passed. Not that he could if he tried since she hasn't been left alone at all since he last saw her with his sister-in-law and nephew.
She's become a social butterfly. Everyone is drawn to her warmth and smile, and she talks with every person she comes into contact with, most of whom he doesn't recognize, as if they're best friends. Maybe they are. He'd never know.
He leaves the party to escape to the bathroom and when he returns to the living room he catches Will's wide-eyed stare.
Jay's brows furrow and his brother tilts his head in a not-so-subtle jerk towards the front door where he finds Hailey standing, pulling on her coat.
He looks back to Will who mouths a firm, Go! and Jay ignores the urge to do the complete opposite even though he knows that leaving her alone is what she'd prefer.
He watches her as she tugs her scarf around her neck and then pulls open the door, a blast of the chilly night air coming in. She steps outside, closing the door behind her without another look back, and it's in that moment that Jay decides he's done being a coward, he's done being scared. If this is it for them, he needs to know for sure. One way or another.
He rushes to the door, grabs his jacket he'd tossed on a hook at some point in the night, and goes out after her. His gaze locks on her within seconds as she makes a quick getaway down the front walkway toward the sidewalk.
"Hailey!" His shout cuts through the dark night and the whistling wind, making her stop in her tracks in the snow.
She turns slowly, hands stuffed in the pockets of her coat that goes past her knees. Her eyes find his, the least bit surprised, but she makes no move toward him. He closes the gap between them, his chest heaving with his racing heart and his body buzzing with nervous energy, until they're nearly toe-to-toe in the snow.
"What?"
She looks annoyed and for some reason it makes him smile. She still cares. He knows she does.
"I miss you," Jay says.
"Jay – "
He shakes his head and takes another step closer, crowding her personal space in a way that has her needing to lift her chin to look up at him.
"I miss you," he says again before he throws out his hands to either side of her face and crashes his lips against hers.
It is the most important kiss of his life, with a hurried, hard press of his mouth over hers, a teasing brush of his tongue against her lips that has her letting out the softest moan of appreciation against him, and then she pulls back.
"Don't kiss me like that," Hailey whispers in the breath of space between them.
"Like what?"
"Like you mean it."
"I don't know any other way to kiss you, Hailey," he says, brushing his thumbs over her cheeks and tilting her face up so his eyes are on hers when he kisses her again.
New hope flickers and burns inside of him when Hailey kisses him back. She opens her mouth to him, letting him in and letting herself enjoy the moment and the way it feels to be so close to him again. What started as a frantic, desperate attempt to show her how he still feels turns slow and soft and reminiscent of times from way back when. When it felt like they had forever until they didn't anymore.
Hailey pulls away again, lips swollen and cheeks flushed from a wondrous combination of his kiss and the cold. She sucks in a breath and huffs it out, her chest heaving. "Why did you leave me? Why didn't you come home? Why did you make it so easy for me to hate you when I loved you so much?"
A look of shame fills the shadows of Jay's face that she can see, and he lets out a heavy breath. "I don't know. I didn't know back then, and I still don't all these years later. But I need you to know that not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you or stopped missing you. That I haven't wanted to reach out."
"Then why didn't you? If you missed me that much, why didn't you pick up the damn phone?"
"Because I'm a coward," he admits. "I was scared you wouldn't answer, or worse, that you would, and you'd tell me not to call again."
"So, that's it?" Hailey scoffs with an annoyed huff. "I'm supposed to take your pretty words and kisses with a smile and say thank you, and poof! All is forgiven. Just like that?"
"I would think you'd make me work a little harder for it, but you'd at least give me a chance."
Hailey nods slowly, pursing her lips. "Leads us back to my question earlier of why I should, but you still don't have an answer for that, do you?"
"You should because…" Jay swallows, fear of losing her again evident in his eyes. "Because I'm sorry. Because I'm an idiot. Because you're still the love of my life and you always will be, even if I'm not yours anymore. And because…because it's Christmas and I fucking miss you."
Hailey says nothing, and the silence lingers for what feels like hours. Her eyes leave his to stare at the snowy earth surrounding them, seeming far off as if she's stuck somewhere else. He'd do anything to know what she's thinking until she finally voices those thoughts aloud.
"I should walk away," Hailey says, shaking her head as if fighting with herself. "I should walk away, and I don't know why I can't."
"I have a theory," Jay says quietly.
"And what would that be?"
He shrugs a shoulder, a smile tugging at his lips. "You miss me too."
"I don't want to," she says as if he doesn't know that already.
"And that's the rub of it, isn't it?"
"It's been so long, Jay. Years have passed," she says, shaking her head again and seeming uncertain. "And I live in D.C., and you live in Seattle. How would we ever — "
He slants his mouth over hers again, the sweetest one they've shared since he first kissed her minutes ago. He keeps one hand at the side of her face and drops the other to loop his arm around her waist. He holds her close, squeezing once.
"We'll figure it out. We'll make it work. I'll make it work." He sounds determined and so sure and it does nothing but break her resolve and warm her from the inside out.
"We're not in a relationship. We're...friends. Not even friends. We're acquaintances at best right now, and I'm not saying we're getting back together and I'm not promising you anything either, I – "
He silences her with another kiss under the Christmas Eve moonlight, one she returns eagerly with the realization that they had never been just friends even if that's exactly how they started in the first place.
Jay returns to Seattle after Christmas, and Hailey goes back to D.C. They go back to the new lives they built without the other, and mere hours after she arrives home, Hailey gets a text message from the very man she hasn't been able to stop thinking about since the moment they went their separate ways that night at Will's. After a quick reply, her phone rings, and she answers it.
Awkward small talk and lingering pauses become easier conversation until they're talking nearly every day. And on a random Tuesday, two months into the new year, her phone rings with a different kind of call from Jay. He is there, fresh off a plane on a one-way red eye from Seattle to D.C., and in a cab heading to her place. She's not all that surprised if she's being honest, but still every bit charmed by the gesture, and the few remaining pieces of her heart that are still broken begin to fuse back together.
They spend the rest of the year getting to know one another again, falling deeper into the love that neither of them ever grew out of despite all the time and space and mistakes that had once been between them.
On Christmas Eve that year, they fly back to Chicago just as they had the year before, only together this time. They go to a party at his brother's house and let Will take the credit for getting them back together, and it is that night, one year after their reunion, they make the decision to return home to Chicago. To settle down for good back in the place it all started for them. To have that future together they both so badly want.
And this time, they'll get it right.