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Nie Huaisang knew his brother wasn't ok, he’s known since the day he walked in on his brother shaking with sobs in their newly deceased fathers office. But he didn't think it had gotten this bad.
Nie Huaisang was in his bathroom looking around for a hair product he uses to keep his hair in pigtail braids. He doesn't remember what it was called, only that it was in a clear plastic jar and had a green label and it was some kind of hair gel. Nie Huaisang immediately thinks to go look in his brother's bathroom.
He rummages through Nie Mingjue's drawers, looking through his cabinets really making a mess of Nie Mingjue’s strict precision and organization. Nie Huaisang almost gives up hope after not finding the hair gel with Nie Mingjue's hair products. Nie Huaisang had thought there was no harm in looking in the last drawer so he slid it open and rummaged around a bit. The drawer is odd, a comb, a photo of Nie Mingjue and Nie Huaisang and a zip-up cloth bag that didn't seem to have much of anything in it.
Nie Huaisang was intrigued. Nie Huaisang knows it's a bad trait of his. He's nosy and it can't be helped. So he unzips the bag and empties the contents or lack thereof onto the table by the sink. A feeling of dread takes root in Nie Huaisang's stomach. A thin razor blade is all that was in the bag.
A razor blade.
Now, contrary to popular belief, Nie Huaisang isn't stupid. He knows his brother is struggling. His brother is only 19 and is basically his parent. Nie Mingjue has custody of him. He has been taking care of Nie Huaisang ever since their parents died, even before then Nie Mingjue would be responsible for Nie Huaisang especially after Nie Mingjue’s mom died and Nie Mingjue lived full time with his dad and step mom, Nie Huaisang’s mom was kind but always working and their dad owned a company. Their dad made enemies with another company and that led to Their dad and Nie Huaisang’s mom being stabbed by Wen Rouhan their dads supposed friend who was a petty asshole who always wanted to be on top, well he murdered them right in front of Nie Mingjue who got stabbed as well and was still able to get away and run as fast as he could until he found a police station Nie Mingjue has grit and perseverance like no other.
Nie Mingjue was left with PTSD from that, no person would be able to walk away from that okay and unscathed. Nie Mingjue was put in counseling and eventually his therapist talked him into getting a support dog for PTSD because he was getting frequent flashbacks and panic attacks. Nie Mingjue thought it was showing weakness that he needed a dog but Baxia helped him a lot and Nie Huaisang had thought his brother was getting better.
But Nie Mingjue never liked showing weakness; he would hide his emotion away from everyone, especially Nie Huaisang. Nie Mingjue is the best brother he puts on a front that he is ok even when he's not. Maybe he was never better; he just got better at hiding it .Nie Huaisang has always been a taker and Nie Mingjue has always been a giver but Nie Huaisang thinks it's time for that to change.
That night after Nie Mingjue got back from his boyfriend, Lan Xichen’s place Nie Huaisang is sitting on the couch. He had an idea he hoped would work.
Nie Mingjue always loved to see Nie Huaisang's art even if he grumbled about it from time to time because Nie Huaisang would do art instead of homework. Nevertheless Nie Mingjue Loved to see Nie Huaisang's doodles and paintings so that got Nie Huaisang thinking, what if he doodled on Nie Mingjue’s arms to show him that he's loved and maybe that he has someone if he needs help and he doesn't have to be the strongest all the time.
“Dage!” Nie Huaisang chirps seeing his brother take off his shoes and unclipping Baxia's harness.
“Hey” Nie Mingjue pats Baixa's head as she is fully un-harnessed and is running free in the house. “How was your day alone?”
“It was good!” Nie Huaisang stays silent for a moment. He knows he needs to choose his words carefully.
“Good,” his brother says, walking over to the couch with Baxia sitting down next to Nie Huaisang.
“Dage I-” Nie Huaisang starts, pausing and rethinking his words. “Dage, can you show me your wrists.” fuck was that too sudden to ask Nie Huaisang thinks.
Nie Mingjue pauses. His eyes widen then he looks away.
“Why?” Nie Mingjue responds through gritted teeth.
“Dage I found your blade in your bathroom” He admits. “I promise I wasn't looking through your stuff I was just looking for something to put in my hair!” he adds frantically. “And well…I happened to stubble upon it I-”
“Huaisang…” Nie Mingjue cuts him off. “Its fine im fine”
“No dage you know it's ok not to be ok” Nie Huaisang said gently.
“Huaisang it’s not your job to make sure im ok”
“Please let me take care of you”
“Its not your job to do that either”
“Dage I can’t lose you we have lost enough as it is” Nie Huaisang can feel himself tearing up but he won’t give this up. If he lets this go then he might lose all he has left.
“You won’t lose me you are overreacting"
“You cut yourself dage” Nie Huaisang lets the tears fall “please let me take care of you” he pauses “tell me about your problems instead of keeping them inside because one day it could lead to you taking your own life and I cant live without you”
Nie Mingjue looks like he was about to say something but shuts his mouth.
For a moment the only sound was the clock ticking on the wall.
“Okay” Nie Mingjue says after what felt like hours. His voice was quiet in a way Nie Huaisang hadn't heard before. Baxia sensing something was wrong pawed her way into Nie Mingjue’s lap and looked up into his eyes.
“See even Baxia agrees” Nie Huaisang laughs a bit sniffling. Then he looks at Nie Mingjue. “Can I see your wrists” this time he asks more gently and slowly.
Nie Mingjue rolls up his sleeve. Thin white scars scatter up and down his arms they probably go up to his shoulders.
“Well I have an idea”
Nie Mingjue makes a noise indicating he is interested in this idea.
“Just wait here for just one moment” Nie Huaisang bolts off the couch and up the stairs and to his room.
Nie Huaisang comes running back down the stairs 30 seconds later with his new set of markers.
“Dage” Nie Huaisang says breathing hard from running “I am going to draw on your arms!”
“What?” Nie Mingjue asks. He seems to be confused or maybe just has whiplash from how fast Nie Huaisang is going.
“Just sit still and give me your arm” Nie huaisang says “trust me”
“The last time you told me to trust you it ended with my nice new blender shattered all over the kitchen. I think the last thing I should do is trust you" Nie Mingjue laughs and Nie Huaisang can’t even be mad that his brother is making fun of him.
“Oh hush it wasn't my fault the blender cup wouldn't connect to the base” Nie Huasiang giggles with his brother.
“Well work your magic” Nie Mingjue laid out his arms for Nie Huaisang
For 15 Minutes Nie Huaisang doodled away and the brothers talked. Actually talked. Nie Mingjue had realized how long it’s been since they actually talked. Not just about the weather or how school was.
Nie Huaisang’s new marker set has many colors but Nie Huaisang knew his brother and stuck to more earthy colors like sage green which happens to be Nie Mingjue’s favorite color. But of course Nie Huaisang added a few colorful hearts and stars.
The scars that line Nie Mingjue's arms are now covered in doodles
Stars
Moons
Puppys
Butterflies
Hearts
Nie Mingjue looks at his arms.
“Thanks didi” Nie Mingjue is smiling. He has tears in his eyes.
“Dage I will continue doing this as long as you want”
Without warning Nie Mingjue hugs Nie Huaisang.
“I love you dage”
“I love to Huaisang” Nie Mingjue pauses “and thanks for…doing this”
“Oh of course” Nie Huaisang smiles “I like using my markers and it's just an excuse to doodle more anyways”
Nie Mingjue smiles back, whipping tears from his eyes as Baxia nudges herself closer.
“Hi baby” Nie Mingjue says, Baxia already licking him.
“You know Nie Huaisang you’re going to have to design me a tattoo one of these days”
“I would be honored”