Chapter Text
Nie mingjue tosses his bag on the floor.
god your such a failure
all he could think is how stupid he felt. How much of a failure and burden he is. He doesn’t deserve as sweet of a husband as lan Xichen.
lan Xichen who is at dinner with his brother and uncle.
nie mingjue is glad lan Xichen isn’t home
Nie mingjue was getting better
where is my blade
this dark thought came to nie mingjues mind so quick
lan Xichen would be so disappointed
lan Xichen put so much effort into getting nie mingjue clean
but that's the problem lan xichen had put so much effort in to Nie Mingjue that clearly is failing because that's all Nie Mingjue is
a failure
And his brother nie huaisang has been so supportive of nie mingjues healing process and has continued doodling on his arms and it worked so well
Nie Mingjue is so tired
Maybe if he lets go lan xichen can live the life he deserves, a carefree life with a person that doesn't have to make lan xichen a caretaker, a nice husband or wife.
and in a way Nie Mingjue can get what he wants too
peace
what he wanted was to go to sleep
close his eyes
and disappear
he knows lan xichen loves him
...
he thinks lan xichen loves him
but what if that just another lie
Nie Mingjue is so sick of being lied to
he's just so sick of everything
he’s angry
angry at himself
angry at his ex, meng Yao who was a liar and manipulator. He pushed and pushed until he pushed mingjue to his rock bottom.
angry at wen rouhan for killing his dad and step mom, for stabbing them for traumatizing mingjue.
he’s just angry
he hates himself for wanting to die
he hates himself for living
Nie mingjue finds himself in his and Xichens bathroom looking around for something
he wish he knows what he’s looking for
a blade
a rope
His vision is to blurred he can’t breathe quite right
he wants to lay down and curl up so small he can pretend he doesn’t exist
for all his strength and height he feels so small
he misses his mama when he could just curl up in her lap and be a kid, he really was never aloud to be the kid that he was after she died.
He wants to lie down forever
He realizes he’s been scratching his wrist
he sees blood
Good
he thinks
it feels like hours
Him laying on the floor doing nothing
he feels so stupid and useless
he doesn’t know how long he lays on the cold tile for
he hears his name being called out
mingjue?
a-jue?
sweetheart where are you?
It’s lan Xichen
Nie Mingjue thinks in absolute misery as he hears lan xichens footsteps get closer and closer
then he hears the door creek open
“a-jue?”
Lan xichen calls out then looks down at nie mingjues pathetic body
“honey what’s wrong” lan xichen says quietly kneeling down next to nie mingjue
”m f’ne” nie mingjue mumbles unconvincingly
lan xichen looks at nie mingjues bloody wrist and all the scars nie mingjue has scratched.
“A-jue…”
nie mingjue starts hyperventilating his hand going to his wrists again.
”hey hey hey no no no it’s ok” lan Xichen pleads his hand goes to mingjues in an attempt to stop him
”don’t fucking touch me” nie mingjue growls “let me die please” mingjues voice is frantic his vision is blurry
die
die
die
HELP ME
LET ME DIE
PLEASE
Lan Xichen considers his options
he knows he needs to bring mingjue to the hospital but he doesn’t know how.
nie mingjue’s support dog, baxia is with nie huaisang.
fuck
music
nie mingjue always likes it when lan Xichen plays his flute for him
”I’ll be right back” lan Xichen says already standing up and tuning out the door
He returned as quick as he left woth his flute case
nie mingjue looks at Xichen dead in the eyes he looks so disconnected it causes lan Xichens heart to ache.
He unclips the case and takes out the flute.
Lan Xichen finally gets nie mingjue calmed down enough where he can get him out to the car, he puts arm warmers to maybe prevent mingjue from scratching more.
nie mingjue has his knees pulled up to his chest he’s still hyperventilating and glaring at lan Xichen.
”a-jue…I’m sorry you aren’t getting a choice in this”
nie mingjue looks away from him curling up tighter
”I texted your brother he’s going to meet us at the hospital, he’s bringing baxia”
nie mingjue is silent as he looks out the window, watching as the houses go by the sky dark
he was silent for minutes before he talked
”are you getting rid of me because I can’t be fixed”
he’s says it so plainly, so detached.
lan Xichen takes his eyes off the road for a moment to look at mingjue before talking
”sweetheart…I would never get rid of you, you are the light of my life and I love you more than anything, and you aren’t an object that can be fixed or broken. I want you to be able to heal and I’m not able to do that for you.”
”I know” nie mingjue mumbles
the rest of the car ride is quite as the neighborhood fades into the city
lan Xichen would be lying if he said he didn’t research hospitals months before this—he’s lucky their city has a great hospital with a great psych unit, of course lan Xichen thoroughly vetted the hospital
lan xichen pulls into the parking lot of the hospital and parks.
“Ok love do you want to go in now or sit here for a moment” lan Xichen unbuckled his seatbelt so he can fully turn to face nie mingjue.
”Will you visit me?” Nie mingjue is fidgeting with the arm warmers
“If you are permitted visitors and when you are I will visit you every day if I can I promise”
”thank you” nie mingjue pauses “I think…” he starts “I think this will be good for me I feel like shit right now”
lan Xichen smiles and offers his hands out to nie mingjue.
nie mingjue takes his hands.
they leave the car and meet up in the lobby with nie huaisang and baxia in her vest.
as soon as baxia sees nie mingjue her tail big fluffy tail started to wag and her leash goes tight.
”baxia” nie mingjue walks towards her and crumbles on the ground next to her as the big German shepherd sniffles nie mingjue and nudges as his chest with her muzzle.
”hi girl”
nie mingjue then looks up to nie huaisang who seems to be holding back tears
the three are silent for a bit nie mingjue sits in one of the chairs in the waiting room his foot tapping against the floor as he he rubs his hand against his thigh, it’s one of his stims, Xichen is glad that nie mingjue is regulating right now and isn’t hurting himself, nie mingjue has a few stims that hurt him like when he digs his nails into his wrist or scratches his wrists.
Lan Xichen talks to the receptionist and nie mingjue and nie huaisang are sitting together alone
”dage…” nie mingjue starts
”didi I’m s-“ nie mingjue interrupts him but nie huaisang interrupts back
“no please don’t be sorry! This isn’t your fault but I wish you would have told us sooner you where getting worse”
before nie mingjue could respond lan Xichen walks over with a clipboard
“we gotta fill this out”
lam Xichen sits next to nie mingjue and clicks the pen
patients name: Nie mingjue
Age: 20
DOB: 5/16/2005
Gender assigned at birth: female
Preferred pronouns: he/him (trans man)
nie mingjue rolls his eyes at this because he’s not a girl even if he was “born as one”
lan Xichen knows paperwork like this has caused dysphoria for nie mingjue
After filling out the forms nie mingjue talks to the nurse and he hugs lan Xichen and nie huaisang goodbye however he is allowed baxia because she classifies as a service dog.
he says goodbye too his brother who is now fully in tears
drama queen nie mingjue thinks lovingly
nie mingjue is given a room and talked to about the process and that he will have group therapy and free time and is allowed supervised device time.
his room is very basic, grey walls, a bed, a bedside table and a small tv on the wall and that’s about it.
he is not allowed to have hoodie strings or really any clothes that aren’t hospital clothes or very basic clothes that he couldn’t possibly hurt himself with and his wrists are bandaged.
on the plus side he got grippy socks and he likes them quite a bit
He knows it’s almost morning but he’s super exhausted so he lays back with baxia and falls asleep.
I want a nice warm place to lay
I wanna lie down forever