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2:02AM.
Gi-hun had woken up in a cold sweat from yet another night terror. God, how they came. How they came and how they lingered.
Jung-bae had noticed not too long after that Gi-hun was missing from his place on their dingy mattress when he came to feeling the weight of Gi-hun's hands lifted off of him. Gi-hun would always keep at least one hand firmly planted on Jung-bae's belly, in an effort to keep him as close to himself as possible. He wouldn't have the heart to touch Jung-bae's chest, not after what had happened. Though neither minded this positioning. Gi-hun loved Jung-bae's soft parts and Jung-bae loved being loved.
Jung-bae's chest, though. Specifically the scars on it. Gi-hun could hardly bear to look at Jung-bae shirtless for too long. While indeed a reminder of Jung-bae's persistence, it was also a reminder of the way he had been hurt.
The way Gi-hun had failed him.
"It's not about you." Gi-hun gritted from the edge of his and Jung-bae's mattress. Just a mattress. He was almost crouched on it as without a bedframe, they were always pretty low on the ground. At least they were low together. They were used to that, anyways.
"Ah, I know that." replied Jung-bae, rubbing into his eyes. "I just worry about you, you know. Want a glass of water? Or two?"
Gi-hun, gleamy eyed, lightly jerked his head back to Jung-bae. "I would prefer not having you out of my sight right now."
Jung-bae lifted his body off the mattress with his arms, expelling a uegh! sound. "You can accompany me to the kitchen."
Jung-bae now on his feet took the small trip around the mattress to Gi-hun's side, extending a hand to him. Gi-hun took him up; though his hand in Jung-bae's was cold, trembling... clammy. Jung-bae knew how Gi-hun could be. He gave Gi-hun's hand a few soft strokes with his thumb and gave him a warm look, squeezing his eyelids shut for a moment. Both because of the affection he felt for Gi-hun yet also because he was honestly quite sleepy.
Dragging himself and Gi-hun to the kitchen, Jung-bae scratched his midriff with his unoccupied hand and shook it off, giving a look back to Gi-hun to check his face, catching him in the midst of precisely following his littlest gestures. How peculiar and full of life Jung-bae was.
Full of life. Alive. Jung-bae was alive.
Gi-hun had his unoccupied hand balled into a fist along his side, unlike Jung-bae's relaxed movements. Once they made it to the kitchen, Jung-bae very lightly slipped his hand out of Gi-hun's to snap the light on and watched as it balled into another fist. Jung-bae then tiredly grabbed a glass from the cupboards above him and started pouring water into it from a half-full, uncapped plastic bottle on the counter.
"I could've drunk that from the bottle." murmured Gi-hun, a little curiously. "Hey, presentation matters. I even picked a fancy glass for you." remarked Jung-bae with a playful tinge in his voice. Gi-hun scoffed, though a hint of enjoyment made its way across his face.
Jung-bae finished pouring and flicked the empty bottle into their fairly unsanitary bag of trash clumped near the sink. "Am I that funny?" he turned around to ask; glass in hand, kittenish smile on face.
"Oh, no." Gi-hun replied a little too quickly. Feisty even when down, wasn't he?
"Hm. Figured." Jung-bae kept his smile and held the glass over to Gi-hun's direction. Gi-hun took it with a small shake of his head, as in to say thank you, and placed it back on his side of the counter.
Gi-hun stared at the glass for a half-minute. "You're cute." he said, turning his gaze to Jung-bae. "But that doesn't excuse how unfunny you are." he finally took an albeit small sip of his water, swallowing quickly. "And always have been."
Jung-bae snickered, putting his palm on Gi-hun's shoulder and shuffling lightly. "Well, you'll have to excuse me, especially nowadays. I'm getting old and I'm pretty damn battered already."
Gi-hun's face dropped. Jung-bae didn't notice. "I gotta have something." he added, facing back to Gi-hun only to be greeted with the expression of a spooked cat on him. Jung-bae took a moment to recall his words and, shit, realized his unfortunate wording. Though before he could apologize, Gi-hun butted.
"Don't..." he coyly tilted his head downwards. "I shouldn't get so stuck on these things anyways. It's... exposure. To me."
Gi-hun expelled a shaky sigh, turning to the kitchen door to exit back into their less tension-inducing bedroom. "Besides, it's true."
"I mean, it is, just not in a way you should bother yourself about." Jung-bae flicked the lightswitch back and followed after him, light on his feet. He took in a reluctant breath. "I'm glad you see it as, ahm, necessary exposure, I guess. These things take time. And time brings experience." Gi-hun was already down the hall, at their mattress; curling his knees up to his chest.
Jung-bae stopped at the door. "Do you want to try with that exposure thing a little today?"
"...How so?" poor Gi-hun, with that same spooked expression.
Jung-bae slapped his sides in an effort to ground himself. "...Feel around my chest, maybe..."
Gi-hun's eyes largened. "I don't know if I'm ready."
"That's fine." Jung-bae flopped his bottom on the mattress, next to Gi-hun who was at the edge again. "I just noticed you, well, watching me. And... maybe it would help if you can just put your hand to my chest and feel my heart."
Looking away, afraid of what he might see next on Gi-hun's face; Jung-bae added, "...You know, to know I'm still around?"
Gi-hun didn't move.
"The tissue is probably sensitive."
Jung-bae turned his head around to look at Gi-hun. Well, the back of his head. "It's been months. I can even itch it."
Gi-hun exhaled softly and made a slight movement in Jung-bae's direction. Just enough to have him back in his sight.
Jung-bae, a little too excited by this started back up; "I'm basically healed, I can even take this off right now and show you." He brought his hands to the hem of his shirt right over his waist, trying to get a grip through the folds.
As his fiddling ended at a grasp and he started lifting his clothing, Gi-hun whipped his head back around. "NO. No. Not right now."
Jung-bae stopped right in his tracks, carefully adjusting his shirt back over himself. "Not right now..." Gi-hun repeated in a lower, remorseful voice.
Jung-bae only sighed and wiped strings of his fringe off his forehead to soothe himself. "...I'm sorry, Gi-hun. I just want to help."
"I'm so glad you do, I mean it. But some things..." Gi-hun trailed off, still keeping his face out of Jung-bae's sight. But... it seemed a change of heart was near as he made two gradual movements turning his head in Jung-bae's direction.
"Can you guide me?"
Jung-bae though delightfully surprised, had to ask; "How do you mean?"
"...Take my hand in yours, over your heart." Jung-bae felt the strain in Gi-hun's voice as he said that word, heart. Where Jung-bae was shot right in front of Gi-hun's helpless eyes, point-blank.
"...Wanna lay down on me?"
Jung-bae was already making himself comfortable on the mattress, which honestly wasn't too possible. But he seemed to melt away into bliss whenever Gi-hun was around, no matter the cheap mattress. He could only hope a little bit of contact did the same to Gi-hun. Little could he guess, the feeling was more than mutual.
Gi-hun took up Jung-bae's offer immediately, sighing and lopping his head back onto Jung-bae's belly. A little harshly maybe, making Jung-bae exclaim a little upon impact. Though Jung-bae'd never mind, he found it endearing. He found all of Gi-hun endearing.
Jung-bae gave his friend a small chuckle, patting his cheek to shift and nudge his head sideways into his own soft middle so Gi-hun could get a better pillow out of him, and so they could form better eye contact.
Jung-bae gently tapped Gi-hun's right shoulder as to request his hand. As Gi-hun raised it to him, Jung-bae slowly and surely locked his fingers onto the gaps between Gi-hun's, shifting their jumble of hands near his chest. "Are you ready?" He inquired kindly. Gi-hun pursed his lips, nodding. It's all he could muster to do.
With that, Jung-bae placed Gi-hun's hand over his own diaphragm, slowly sliding up to his left pec. Stopping in between slopes, letting Gi-hun feel his breath as it coursed through his body.
"Right here, I think, is one of those little incision scars. This material's pretty thin, you feel the grit through it?"
Gi-hun nodded.
"You're sure about moving up?"
'Up' was the dreaded gunshot.
Gi-hun sighed. Shifted his head to make himself able to nuzzle deeper into Jung-bae's warm, soft body. He had to be prepared for this. Very underwhelming for the usual person, maybe, but the usual person wouldn't've gone through the smallest smidge of what he had to endure.
Gi-hun nodded again, shaking Jung-bae's fat around a little from the friction of his face being embedded into him. Jung-bae'd crack a joke about how he wobbled if they weren't currently being so unusually vulnerable. Next time, he thought. Right, they did have 'next time's to look forward to now!
Gi-hun closed his eyes, anticipating the sensation. And as Jung-bae's firm yet careful grip slid him over the bump of his chest, there it was.
The thumping. The drumming.
The sensation of Jung-bae's endurance. His lifeforce.
His kind, powerful heart.
Gi-hun's eyebrows were beginning to twitch. He knew he would shed at least a few tears over this and wet Jung-bae's already stainy, old shirt. As he tried to stifle his shaky breathing, he felt lips on his fingers. Jung-bae bending himself into a seemingly quite uncomfortable position just to plant a reassuring kiss on him. He did that a lot, now that they were slightly more closely acquainted. It made Gi-hun's entire body lighten up every time.
How perfect of a man Jung-bae was...
"You can sob as loudly as you want, you know. Not that anyone's listening." Jung-bae said lowly through sniffles of his own. "Gah, see, you're just infectious. You got me feeling too."
"If I sob as loudly as I want to I'd wake up the entire apartment. And if you started sobbing along, we'd wake up everyone along the street." Gi-hun... joked? Was it appropriate for Jung-bae to snicker at this like he usually would? Would it be disrespectful to the situation at hand? To Gi-hun's feelings, and...
"What, am I as unfunny as you are?" Gi-hun snapped him out of it. He flashed Gi-hun a lopsided grin. "I thought... I didn't know if it'd be appropriate. You don't... emote as much as you used to. I couldn't tell."
Eyes locked on each other, they stayed neutral-faced for a few moments. Gi-hun, surprisingly, was the first to break the tension with a slight curve around his lip. "You really are cute."
Jung-bae started off a meek giggle, passing it onto Gi-hun as well. Bouncing off of one another, giggles turned to breathless snickers, the utmost care being put into not exploding into hearty laughter at once. It was nearing 3AM, on a weekday. Nobody would exactly appreciate two 50-something loverboy losers bringing them out of the limited comfort of their sheets at this time.
Jung-bae caught his breath, even sputtering a cough or two. "That's a sweet way to start the day, hm?"
"Start?"
"It's past 12AM. We've started the day."
"Mm..." Gi-hun smiled to the point his cheeks were engulfing his eyes. "You're really, really annoyingly cute."
Jung-bae gave out a few sheepish chuckles. "Alright, alright. God, you flatter me!"
Another bout of silence. Familiar, comfortable and warm this time. They could stay like this forever... if only they could. But the night was calling.
Hand still on Jung-bae's chest, Gi-hun fluttered his eyelids until he had to give in to their heaviness.
"Let's sleep like this today. If you're comfortable." he muttered to Jung-bae, still wearing a soft smile.
"Hmm. I did want to kiss a little." Jung-bae said through also heavying eyelids.
"We will in the morning. Promise." Gi-hun assured, going in to press a long, slow kiss to Jung-bae's stomach; prompting a delighted nose exhale from him.
And that's how they dozed off, their bedside lamp still on, painting them warm and golden. Fitting for the way they felt, all snuggled up.
They were lucky. For the first time in their lives, they wholly had someone. Someone so kind. So understanding. Someone willing to stay.
Never would they trade this for anything.