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Jud sat on the bench in the church’s garden. The air was filled with something sweet and the sounds of trees swaying in the breeze. The corners of his mouth had curled up into a soft smile that was reserved only for you, but neither of you knew of its exclusivity.
You were sitting across from him in the grass, a forgotten cigarette between your fingers as you waved your hands around, wildly gesticulating as you told him one of those stories he had heard a million times already. But you loved telling it, and Jud loved listening to you.
Jud had been 19 when you first met. He had already started his seminary studies to become a priest. Maybe that was why he never allowed himself to see you as anything more than a friend. Not until a few years ago.
You had known about his plan of becoming a priest, and you respected it. Maybe that was why you had never told him how in love you had been with him. You could never do that to Jud.
Jud had something about him. Even back then, when he was still young, unsettled and not at peace with himself, there had always been so much love in his heart for others. You could see why someone like Jud wanted to become a priest. And you had always understood why he needed his faith.
You weren’t like that. But Jud wasn’t about converting people and there was so much more he had to tell, that you two became friends very quickly. It used to cause him some trouble – someone striving to become a priest always hanging around with some girl wasn’t a good look.
But Jud didn’t care and as long as he didn’t, neither did you. He had a lot more to lose than you. The only thing you had to lose was him.
Jud kept watching you, sitting, legs crossed, sunglasses pushed up to the top of your head. Today it was difficult to follow your words. He was caught in memories of another time. He remembered how you had looked back then, wilder. It had been almost ten years, you had matured. So had he.
You let your hands fall down on your thighs. You had caught on that he wasn’t listening.
“Jud, are you listening?”
Jud blinked.
“Sorry. I was just thinking about my time in the seminary.”
Your eyes wandered over his face for a second. If you looked very closely, there were a few greys in his curls, but he still had the same look in his eyes, it was hard to describe but you could always feel it deep in your gut.
That time was on your mind a lot too. More so in the last two years. Part of you had never stopped loving and longing for Jud. You knew there was no ‘waiting’ for him. God had effectively cock-blocked you for the rest of eternity.
There was no way you would tell Jud that though. He would just feel guilty that you didn’t find anyone else because of him. You were fine with it. But the last two years made you wonder if things would have been different if you had told him back then.
You wouldn’t have wanted to change a thing; Jud was happy as a priest, and he helped so many people. You just couldn’t help but wonder from time to time. Now you were getting older, and you wondered about that too.
Would you spend the rest of your life next to Jud? Never tell him about it and just hope he would keep you by his side. Was that an option? Jud would never send you away. But could your heart handle it?
The only good thing, and you hated the thought, was, that at least no one else could have him. Except, well, God. Who were you to compete with that?
Jud gave you a small nod, as if he could sense what was going on in your head. You’d been friends for so long and at this point it didn’t really matter anymore.
You stood up from your place in the grass and walked over to the bench. You sat on the ground leaning your back against his legs. You stared into the sky, following some birds flying by.
“Do you think that there ever was a possibility of something happening between us? I mean before you took your vow.” You closed your eyes for a second. Without really thinking about it, Jud had started playing with a lock of your hair.
Jud didn’t answer immediately. For almost ten years he had managed to keep these kinds of thoughts at bay. Maybe if he had met you before he killed that man in the boxing ring, maybe in this other life there would have been a chance.
For some time now the thought would creep up on him, what if? What if he would have given in, just once? Would he even have been able to? It took him a long time to realize that what he felt for you went way beyond friendship.
Why dwell on it now? You were still here, giving him your friendship, companionship, your lives were so intertwined that the only thing really missing was a ring and sex. That was everything Jud could ask for. He loved you as much as his position allowed to him without betraying his vow.
But that question never went away. How much better could he have loved you if he’d chosen a different life?
Jud blinked again.
“I don’t know. Why do you ask?”
He couldn’t keep going like this. Just because he had taken a vow of celibacy didn’t mean you had to as well. He felt like he deprived you of a life.
Of course, there would be warm summer afternoons when he would watch you, lying in the sun, wondering what it would feel like to run his fingertips over your skin. Wonder, what it would feel like to have you undress like this for him, in the dark, in secret.
But when these thoughts became too much, started consuming him, he turned to his faith. If it was the same for you, he wondered, what would you turn to for strength? And what would happen if one day that wasn’t enough anymore?
He wouldn’t blame you. You deserved to be loved properly. You deserved for someone to whisper your name with boundless devotion, like he had so many nights alone in his room when he could sleep because the image of you wouldn’t leave his mind. But you deserved to hear it.
Th truth was, that Jud didn’t know how he would survive that day. It was selfish to want to keep you, hide you from the world, even if he would never truly be able to make you his. And yet, you had given yourself to him, willingly and you would probably never leave, even if he told you to.
You shrugged.
“I don’t know, was just something I was thinking about. I had a pretty big crush on you back then.”
A smile made its way onto your face, the one where he knew you weren’t telling the whole truth. He watched you from above. From his position on the bench your face was upside down, but he knew it so well, it might have been the one staring back at him in the mirror
Still, his body reacted without asking his head for permission. He could feel the excitement in his chest and his lips mimicked your smile.
“Why didn’t you say something back then?”
It was almost cruel of him to ask, he knew why. Because to you, he had always been the most important thing. If denying yourself your feelings would let him go his way, you were happy to do so.
Jud wondered for a moment if it would have actually changed anything if you would have told him back then.
“Come on, that’s a mean question. I was young, I didn’t know what I wanted and falling for a guy who wanted to become a priest was just so typical of me.”
You laid your head back on his knees so you could really look at him. For a second there was a vulnerability in your eyes that almost made Jud want to take you into his arms and never let go again. But in a matter of seconds, it was gone again and instead he kept twisting your hair between his fingers.
You had learned to keep it very close to your heart. You laughed.
“Anyway, I would have definitely gone straight to hell if you would have fallen in love with me too and left the church, just…all the people you helped over the years – not to mention what it did for you.”
Jud let out a small laugh as well.
“Who says I would have left the church for you?”
You really had no idea what he felt for you. At least in the beginning he didn’t know about your feelings, but the second he realized his own, it was like his eyes had been opened to yours too and he hadn’t been able to shut them since. All he could do was bear witness to your sacrifice day in and day out.
Somehow, he had always assumed you would find out about his secret too. There was no way you were that oblivious. And Jud wasn’t very good with hiding his feelings. Sometimes he was afraid someone else might catch on.
Of course, people talked about you, but not more than the usual amount of small-town gossip. After the initial distrust in you (why else would a young, beautiful woman be that close with a priest if she didn’t try to corrupt him), people started adjusting.
Jud’s integrity had never seriously been questioned by anyone. Maybe no one who knew Jud could imagine him falling into temptation. Jud couldn’t imagine either.
Except for when sometimes you stood so close to him that he could smell the faint scent of your shampoo on you, or your hand grazed his when you were telling him a story, or when you would take long walks through the forest.
Or when you would bare your soul to him like you did to no one else, or when even though you had never said it out loud, you had promised to spend the rest of your life with him, even if that meant never having all of him.
And except for when he couldn’t bring himself to pray for you, because he knew for you to be truly happy and fulfilled that would mean you leaving him.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. The past is the past.” You started to talk again. After a short moment of silence, you continued.
“And anyway, I’m happy so why even think about it, right? I should probably not even talk to you about this, it’s not very priestly.”
You laughed and closed your eyes again.
“Well,” Jud began, “as a priest it is my job to listen to my parishioners and their worries.”
“I’m not though.”
“You’re right, you’re not. You are my friend so the same still applies to you.”
You stood up and sat on the bench next to Jud. For a second, he felt the missing weight of you against his legs. You turned your head to him.
“Do you think I have worries?”
Jud could tell you were afraid of the answer. A ‘yes’ meant he saw through your lies. Ten years you had never spoken a single word about this. What were ten more years…
“Yes, I think you’re worried.” Jud looked at you. Every cell of his body fought against this. But he needed you to be happy. Your face spoke volumes.
Don’t, please don’t do this. Don’t say the quiet part out loud because then we can’t keep pretending – pretending that this is something we both want and that it’s enough. Please give me more time.
But with every second he kept this door closed, was a second, he stole from you and the life you could have.
“You know I love you, right?” Jud could feel the tightness in his chest and how clammy his hands were.
“Yeah, I know.” There was confusion in your eyes.
“No, I mean, I love you.”
An involuntary laughed escaped you.
“No, you don’t.” But when you saw the look on his face, your laugh died down.
“No, Jud, you don’t. Don’t do this.”
Now Jud started smiling.
“Yeah, I do, and I think I always have, it just took me a while to realize it. I made my choice and that is on me, I just don’t want you to be stuck because of it.”
You could feel your insides turn to ice. How many times had you dreamt of hearing this confession from him, in dark, lonely and guilty and selfish moments. But now you couldn’t bear it.
“I never wanted that for you.” Your voice was trembling.
“I know, but we don’t choose who we love. But I also love God, and I followed my faith. I don’t want you to throw away your life for me.”
Panic started to rise in your throat.
“Well, I chose to follow you, you are my faith.”
“But I am no God, I can’t make you happy.”
“Isn’t that my decision? And anyway – some people might argue your God isn’t so perfect either!”
Your eyes darted over his face, trying to find an answer.
“What are you saying?”
Jud fully turned to you and took your hands into his.
“I cannot bear to see you suffer like this because of me.”
His hands were warm, comforting, still you pulled yours away. The panic was turning to desperation.
“See? This is why I didn’t tell you, because I knew you would take blame and feel guilty. I don’t care, this is enough for me, I just want you, I don’t care that we can’t be together like that. Even if it meant I could never touch you again or talk to you again I would still stay.”
Jud didn’t answer. The certainty that he was doing the right thing had left him. What wouldn’t he give for you to stay by his side. You hadn’t cried, but he saw the wetness gather in your eyes.
Without saying another word, he pulled you into his arms. He held you so tight, you almost couldn’t breathe and finally, the first sob ripped through your body.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He whispered into your hair. “I’m sorry, I’m not saying anything, of course you can stay, I’m so sorry. I will never – I could never make you leave…”
Your hands gripped the back of his robe as you buried your face in his chest. You were glad no one ever came through this part of the garden; you couldn’t take the embarrassment of anyone else seeing you like this.
It had gotten dark when Jud and you finally left. Even though the warmth of the day still lingered in the air, a shiver ran down your spine as you passed the iron gate of the church. You were cast out of Eden. After today there was no going back.
Jud must have felt it too, because he asked you to come over to the rectory. You sat on the couch in front of the dark fireplace. The windows were open, and a sweet breeze came in. To your surprise, Jud came back with a bottle of wine.
He answered your raised eyebrow with a shrug.
“I’m not perfect and I feel like tonight is a night you might need this, and what kind of friend would I be if I let you drink alone.”
Jud could feel the wine loosen him up. Sometimes he drank, but not often. The last time had been when the Monsignor had died. A small annoying voice in his head kept asking him if he had done this intentionally so there would be an excuse for what he was about to do.
Who did he want to justify himself to? You? Himself? God? There was no justifying it. He just couldn’t take it anymore.
He couldn’t stop staring at you. You still had your sunglasses pushed up into your hair and you were smoking. He’d stopped bothering to tell you, you weren’t allowed to smoke in the rectory a long time ago. He didn’t care and to hell with the rules anyway.
There had been two times he had snuck a cigarette from you. The first time was when one of his friends from the seminary had died, and the second time was the day you left for New York for a while to get your degree.
You weren’t perfect, you had a temper, sometimes you smoked, you took the Lord’s name in vain, but so did he, perfect imperfect mirrors of each other. And just like he knew God loved him for it, Jud loved you for it.
He stood up, abruptly enough to make stop talking. He walked over to you and while standing in front of you made you a sign to get up as well.
“I want you to know that I have not thought this through and if at any point you want me to stop, I will.”
“What the hell are you talking about…”
Before you could really finish what you were about to say, Jud cradled your face in his hands and pulled you closer until his lips met yours. He did it so slow and careful that you had every opportunity to pull away. But you didn’t.
Instead, your hands grabbed his sweater and pulled him closer. You could feel his stubble on your face. There was a faint scent of his after shave and…sunscreen? When Jud spent too much time in the sun his face would be covered in freckles by the end of summer.
But he burnt easily. When he would forget to put some on, there was an aggressive red blush over his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He hated it but you always thought it looked cute.
You pulled back to inspect his face. You ran you index over his nose and then his lips. Even now there was a pink tint on his face, but you couldn’t tell if it was because of the sun or the wine.
It was because of you. Jud could feel the heat in his cheeks from being so close to you. His eyes kept darting from your eyes to your lips and back. The desire and need spread inside of him like a wildfire. The downside of being a priest was that he really didn’t have a lot of experience with any of this.
Jud could feel how he was getting more and more nervous. This was the part he had especially not thought through. But the touch of your hands made him calm down a bit. It was as if you could feel how tense he was.
You cupped his face with your hand, caressing his cheek with your thumb. Jud closed his eyes, faint smile appearing on his face.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to…” You whispered. “I don’t want you to regret anything or hate me for it.”
Jud opened his eyes again, searching for yours.
“I could never hate you. I have wanted you for longer than I can remember.”
You took Jud’s hand and led him to the little room he called his. A little unsure he sat down on the edge of his bed. Slowly your started to undress. When you were down to your underwear, you walked over to him and stood between his knees.
Jud raised his hands without thinking about it and ran them over your thigs, your hips and waist.
“Good God…” He looked up at you. “You have no idea how in love with you I am.”
Instead of answering you started to pull his collar and then his sweater and shirt off. Jud’s eyes were still big. It had been a hot minute since he had undressed for anyone. For a second, he wondered how often you had done that in the last ten years, and he could feel the insecurity grip his heart again.
You knew Jud like the back of your hand. You sat on the edge of the bed next to him, guiding his face in your direction with your index finger. Some fucked up part of you really enjoyed this deer-in-headlights-look he was giving you.
“It’s fine, everything is fine.” You placed a kiss on his lips, then some on his cheeks and finally you started peppering his neck with kisses. An involuntary sigh escaped him.
Jud let his hands wander over your body until they came to a halt on your back. Slowly he guided you to lay down on the mattress. Now he was hovering over you. A small golden cross hung from his neck.
You took it between your fingers and placed a kiss on it before releasing it again.
“Jud, are you really sure you want to do this, I can live with it if you want to stop right now and go back to finish that bottle of wine.”
Jud shook his head.
“I am very sure of this. I don’t want to stop, I just want you to be mine…”
He didn’t need to justify it to anyone, he just wanted to be with you tonight, feel you, fully and wholly make you his. He wanted to give you all this love that threatened to burst out of his chest every time he looked into your eyes. He wanted to whisper your name to you and worship you.
Later that night you were lying next to Jud, his arm firmly placed around you, covered with his blanket. His bed was narrow, so you had to press yourself to him. His skin was hot to the touch, almost feverish but a contempt smile sat on his face.
“I hope this was worth waiting ten years for, I’m very sorry I didn’t have more practice.” Jud laughed a bit while saying it. You laughed as well.
“Don’t worry I didn’t get to practice an awful lot either.”
Jud propped himself up on his elbow to get a better look at you. He had never asked you about other guys. He knew he couldn’t handle it.
You shook your head.
“Jud, I have been so embarrassingly in love with you for the past decade do you really think I managed to get through a date without talking so much about you the guy started hoping you would leave the church for me.”
“So, you never…?”
“A few times but I stopped pretty fast. They weren’t you. And not that I wanted you to do anything, I was contempt, I really was, I just didn’t want to be with anyone else.”
You turned on your side as well so you could face Jud.
“Jud, I don’t really know how to put into words how I feel about you, and I don’t care how this is going to play out in the future, I don’t ask anything from you, I just want you to know that I meant what I said earlier. You are my faith; I don’t care in what way, but I want to stay with you.”
Jud placed a kiss on the tip of your nose.
“You really need to stop comparing me to God that is unbelievably blasphemous.”
You giggled.
“Right, sorry, forgive me father.”
He smiled at you.
“I have no idea where this is going, I just know that I love you and there is no way around that. We will figure something out. Just know, I will not abandon you, no matter what.”
You nodded and Jud pulled you into his arms again. There was no place you’d rather be. Who needs Paradise when you had this…