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you don’t have to be sorry for doing it on your own by playexodus
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV)
26 Dec 2025
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Summary
Ilya had realized it the moment he’d opened his eyes a few days prior, too warm under the covers to be comfortable. Nothing had even happened yet, but he'd felt immediately distant from himself. Like somewhere between sleeping and waking, he’d stepped out of his body and into another.
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“But since the end of the season, I’ve been waking up with this terrible feeling,” he said, waving a hand around his chest. “It’s hard to explain. I feel…if I open up my chest, there would be nothing but empty space inside. And how could I tell Shane that? How could I possibly tell the person that makes me the happiest man in the world, that I feel like an impostor in his wonderful life?” He felt himself start crying again, all his carefully built habits to mask his feelings deserting him at once. “He doesn’t deserve that. He’s done nothing to make me feel that way. And then I just want to go home, to my mother - but I can’t.” He threw up his hands. “So what am I supposed to do? My father is gone, my mother is gone, my brother is terrible and I can’t do anything about it. I couldn’t do anything for my parents, for anyone, and it’s killing me. I might never know what my niece likes.”
“Ilya,” Sveta said softly.
“I miss home, but I have no home left in Russia. I have nowhere to go. I’m not - needed anywhere.” His voice broke, and he buried his face in his hands.
She gave him a long, sad look. Then she handed him a box of tissues from the side table.
“I want you to listen when I say this.” She waited until he nodded before continuing. “You have done enough. You are everything, Ilya. Yes - don’t look at me like that - you are. That place, your father and your brother, they were never home for you. They were your blood, but not your family.” She squeezed his hand. “You deserve a home and a family that needs you. That loves you, not just what you can give. Give yourself permission, okay? Put down roots in the place where you belong, for once in your life.”
Something inside of Ilya clicked back into place, his body feeling just a little more like his own.
Give yourself permission.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Okay.”
Sveta kissed his forehead. “I love you. And I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard - I can wait until you’re ready to introduce me to Shane.”
Ilya smiled, despite himself. “It was actually his idea to invite you to visit. He could tell I wasn’t feeling like myself.” He took a deep breath. “Want to meet him? Tomorrow, for dinner.”
She grinned. “Sure. Let’s have dinner with your sweet and lovely Shane.”