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Through the windshield of my Subaru Impreza, I catch sight of my targets.
I’m surprised, really, that they have the courage—or perhaps stupidity—to show their faces in public. If I were in their position, I’d be taking solace in the security of my home, maybe even boarding up the windows and doors for good measure.
But no, here they are in broad daylight, waltzing down their neighborhood road without even an ounce of shame. They act like they didn’t just butcher an entire season, like they didn’t just destroy half of their characters’ development.
Right now, they’re far enough away that they’re merely light specks against asphalt in my vision, but I could distinguish Matt’s stupid fucking haircut from miles away if I had to.
I shift my car into drive and rev the engine once, then twice. Their backs are to me, so just like every poor, unsuspecting fan who was forced to witness the absolutely abysmal writing of Season 5 Volume 2, they won't expect what happens next.
I slam my foot into the gas pedal. The engine of my Subaru Impreza roars as it begins to pick up speed, barreling closer and closer to the Duffers. When I’m about one hundred feet away, they finally turn around. The looks of shock on their faces are almost as priceless as my expression when I was forced to watch Will Byers come out against his will to the show’s entire cast.
They both begin to run in opposite directions, Matt sprinting to the left and Ross to the right. I’m about to ponder which I should run over first when I feel Millie’s spirit rushing through my veins. My heart begins to race.
The gay one. I have to run over the gay one first.
Ross tries to get away, but just like Season 5 Episode 7’s ratings, he never stood a chance. I swerve to the right, and he collides with my front bumper. His scream is cut off by a loud, echoing thud, and I laugh as he rolls across my windshield, flying onto the roof of my Subaru and onto the pavement behind it.
My eyes dart across the street, where Matt is watching in horror. He looks almost as terrified as I did when I realized Mike Wheeler was intended to be straight. Oh, well.
I start racing towards him at full speed, grinning the entire way. He meets the same fate as Ross did, getting flung across the road just like Holly got flung into the fucking abyss for some reason. I have half a mind to reverse the car back over both him and his gay brother when all of a sudden I see another figure in the distance.
No… It couldn’t be…
Shawn Levy!?
“Oh, you’re really gonna get it!” I shout. My Impreza’s tires skid across the asphalt as I Tokyo drift around the corner, plowing through that idiot as well.
God, good riddance.
When all is said and done, I throw my car into park, my gaze flitting across the three battered bodies now scattered across the street. A job well done. I should probably feel guilty, but they didn’t show any remorse when they tortured Will Byers for five seasons, so why should I care?
I hop out of my car, deciding it might be best to dispose of them before I flee the scene, when all of a sudden I hear a familiar voice echoing from down the road.
“Oh my God, you really killed them!”
My head shoots up. It’s… Noah? Finn is next to him, and as they’re running up to me, I notice that they’re holding hands. I wonder if it’s too late to get back in the car.
“Thank you,” Noah says. He grins, looking from me to Finn. “Now that you killed them all, we can finally hard launch to the public and live our truth!”
Yeah, that was not my intent.
“Uh,” I rub the back of my neck. Awkward. “I think everyone already kinda knew anyway, but—”
I’m interrupted by Finn, and I realize that neither of them was even paying attention to a word I said.
“Noah,” he whispers, pulling a box out of his pocket. He drops onto one knee, gazing upwards at his boyfriend. “Will you make me the happiest man in the world?”
“Yes!” Noah squeals, and Finn rises to his feet to envelop him in a tight hug. “Oh my gosh, I love you so much!”
“Guys,” I say, “I’m still here.”
They break their hug, smiling sheepishly.
“Right,” Finn says, grinning. “Well, since you’re the one who freed us, how do you feel about officiating the wedding?”
I do not want to do that shit. “Um, well—”
“Great! We can do it right here, actually.”
I’m about to refuse when Noah cuts me off. “Wait! Wouldn’t the ceremony be incomplete without music?”
“Huh,” Finn hums. “I guess you’re right… Good thing I know just the guy!”
Suddenly, I hear the sound of a guitar strumming behind me. I spin around to see… Joe Keery!?
“And when I’m back in Chicago I feel it,” he croons. “Another version of me, I was in it.”
I look back over to Finn and Noah. They’re staring at each other now, eyes brimming with tears. I realize that I should probably just get this over with, but I don’t actually know how to officiate a wedding.
“Uh, you may kiss the bride?”
They immediately fall into a deep, soulful kiss. Noah throws his arms around Finn’s shoulders, and Finn digs his fingers into his waist, holding tight. I think they’re going to pull apart, but suddenly they’re getting sloppy with it—tongue and all, mind you—and I have to look away.
Maybe Millie was right.
“I wave goodbye to the end of beginning.”