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“Merry Christmas, ATINY!”
ATEEZ all shout in unison at the end of their filming session.
The boys all sat on the sofa of the rental they are staying at for their Christmas videos and lives. Each of them wore a winter themed pj set with a pair of holiday headbands on their heads. Half of them wore fuzzy socks, while the other half wore funny slippers, ones in the shape of reindeer, Santa, and penguins. Their space around them was a scene of chaos; wrapping paper everywhere, craft material on the coffee table in the middle of the room, empty cups of hot cocoa put to the side to keep them away from the carpet that wasn’t theirs. In front of them were the blinding reflections of the studio lights and the many cameras on stands, the KQ staff all working in unison like a well-oiled machine to make sure their Christmas video recordings went off without a hitch.
It wasn’t too late in the evening, but some of them did have plans they wanted to be able to make.
Yet the only plans ATEEZ had were a sleepover at this rental that their company bought out for the eve and day of Christmas. And after all the staff left for the evening, the boys were on their own.
“Good work, everyone.” Hongjoong claps his palms, nodding to the staff before looking around at his teammates.
6 voices spoke over each other as they all thanked staff before bickering with each other about what they had just filmed, poking and prodding and nitpicking what one or the other had said or done. But Seonghwa could just watch the younger members with a quiet fondness, one that the boys would always compare to their mothers when they watch their children from afar. But while Seonghwa usually joined in on the chaos between the members, his mind kept wandering back to the distance between Hongjoong and him. Not just the physical distance, because they were sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, but also the emotional distance.
While Hongjoong and Seonghwa were open with their low-key relationship with the company and staff, what Seonghwa was experiencing over the last 24hours was the most nerve-wracking cold shoulder Hongjoong had ever given him. There was this wall around him the moment Seonghwa got close to him, and whenever the two were in front of a camera, there was this underlying cold distance that only the most in-tuned members were able to pick up on, throwing incredulous glances at them for a quick moment before smiling back at the camera.
Back at the company, Seonghwa could understand Hongjoong being aloof, especially because he doesn't like PDA, but it was what happened at the house that made the pit in his stomach deepen. The scene would likely be in the video or logbook. Wooyoung was quick to tour the rental, staff just beginning to put up Christmas decorations all over the living room, when he found the already hanging mistletoe. He was so excited to give everyone a kiss that he was even successful in getting his lips to press onto Hongjoong’s cheek, resulting in him flinching back like he was touched by lava, almost crying as he rubbed his skin, trying to wipe away Wooyoung’s love like it was poison ivy. But even with the disgust on his face, Seonghwa saw that little shine in his eyes, the unmistakable one where deep inside, he appreciated the endless love Wooyoung gave him and the other members.
So Seonghwa took the opportunity while the cameras were busy with the young members, standing under the mistletoe before calling out to Hongjoong. And the moment Hongjoong noticed where Seonghwa stood, his small grin fell from his lips, and he watched in real time as his face flushed red like his ugly Christmas sweater he was currently wearing. Hongjoong abruptly turned on his heel, calling out to Mingi about something random, leaving Seonghwa to stand under the mistletoe with a sinking feeling in his gut, an embarrassed flush creeping up his neck.
Throughout the filming sessions, Seonghwa kept glancing over at the other man, trying to catch any little hints of the quiet affection that Hongjoong usually had a hard time hiding, even in front of the camera. But anytime he caught a glance of him, there was never any “accidental” eye contact or that quick double-take he did to make it seem like he wasn’t caught staring at Seonghwa, making it seem like he found the other staring at him first. Even when they stood next to each other, there were no subtle touches. It was like Hongjoong was trying to avoid Seonghwa altogether that night. And it physically hurt him.
The boys were settling down in the large room, sharing the heated pads and comforters, talking about the secret Santa game they played and the gifts all of them received. Hongjoong once again was putting distance between himself and Seonghwa, making a point to have San, Yunho, and Mingi in between them like a mini mountain.
Seonghwa’s leg bounced as he sat against the wall, eyes fixed on Hongjoong like he was expecting him to turn around and to say, “Hey, I’m kidding! I love you so much!” before kissing him sloppily in front of everyone. But the longer he stared, the more his anxiety rose. The sour taste in his mouth became palpable.
“I’m going to make some tea.” Seonghwa says out loud, mostly to himself, more than the members. San was the only one who looked over at him as he stood from the ground, the only one to acknowledge him while he walked past everyone and headed towards the kitchen.
With all the staff gone for the night, the rest of the rental was dim and hushed, the only lights being the little string lights they left on for the ambiance. The decorations were beautiful at the very least. Seonghwa had taken some nice selcas with the wreathes, garlands, and the large tree in the corner of the room, but none were the private ones he loved to take with his boyfriend, the silly ones where they made faces at the camera, or the sweet ones where they both admired each other with a quiet love, maybe a little kiss being captured in the moment. But he didn’t get that tonight, maybe he wouldn’t get it ever again. And just that thought made a lump form in Seonghwa’s throat, swallowing loudly and forcing the feelings past his chest.
Seonghwa walked under the mistletoe, trying to ignore something that looked so small but had the presence of an elephant in the room. It was too big, and he could feel it mocking him as he watched the kettle heat up. Everyone got a kiss from Hongjoong but him, and he was going to pretend that he was okay with it.
Who was he kidding? He couldn’t pretend he was okay and that he didn’t care. He cared too much. It broke his heart in a million pieces. There was an endless pit in his stomach. He couldn’t swallow past that lump in his throat. And if he wasn’t careful, his hot eyes were going to start spilling his unshed tears.
“Seonghwa,”
A familiar voice pulls the eldest out of his trance as the kettle boiled over.
He was a bit surprised at the sudden presence, confused about how he had missed someone’s footsteps creeping up from behind. Twisting around, Seonghwa felt his heart skip a beat when his eyes met Hongjoong’s, finally making eye contact for the first time that evening. So he turned back to the kettle and the cup with a teabag ready to be brewed.
“Go back to bed. I’ll be back in a minute.” His voice was flat and chipped, pushing down the dread he felt at the moment.
“Hwa, you’ve been distant with me all evening.” Hongjoong’s voice was quiet, only clearly heard by Seonghwa by how silent it was in the kitchen.
“I’ve been distant?!” He couldn’t help himself, slamming down the kettle on the burner. “Me?! I have been the distant one?!”
“Seong--”
“No, Hongjoong! No!” Seonghwa turned back to face his boyfriend, finding his eyes wide in surprise and guilt. “You DO NOT get to ignore me all day, avoid me all night, not even look at me the way you usually do! I get that you don’t like being open with your affection, but to treat me like you never fucking loved me to begin with is another thing.”
A choked sob escaped Seonghwa’s throat, tears streaming down his face, no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay. But he just ignored them, blurry vision fixed on the man in front of him. The man he has been close with the last 8 years of their lives as ATEEZ and trainees. The man he thought he was going to continue to be close with for the rest of their lives, conquering the world in their own way, whether in music or fashion, they were going to do it together. But whatever happened that night, Seonghwa was afraid that there was a close end to whatever they had built.
“At least you waited until we were done with filming to break it off with me.” The words spilled out before he could stop them, that intrusive thought making itself known, forcing a hiccup out before Seonghwa turned away from Hongjoong to take his cup of tea away from the scene.
“Seonghwa, baby,” Hongjoong closed the distance quickly, his hand reaching out to touch his arm to reassure him, only to watch Seonghwa flinch back violently, nearly knocking his cup of tea off the counter. And the fearful dread on his beautiful face made his heart break in his chest, nearly knocking the wind out of him. Even after watching Seonghwa try to keep some distance between them, Hongjoong continued to reach out, cooing softly like his boyfriend was a cornered animal that he was trying to wrap in a warm blanket to take somewhere safe. But this cornered animal didn’t know that he was trying to be soft to him, give him warmth and safety instead of danger.
“Go away…” His voice held no weight to it, hollow and broken as tears stained his cheeks.
“No, baby, I won’t go away. I won’t leave you.”
Hongjoong held a soft grip on Seonghwa’s wrist, pulling him back out of the kitchen towards the doorway that hung the mistletoe, eyes never leaving his boyfriend’s face.
“You wanted to kiss under the mistletoe, right?” Seonghwa doesn’t answer, but Hongjoong didn’t need words to know what he was saying. He was trying to control his expressions, but he was still able to notice the small twitch at the corner of his lip, his crying easing as he took deep breaths as their hands met, palm to palm, fingers intertwining together like they were always meant to be in that state. “Kiss me, Hwa,”
Seonghwa barely hesitates at the command, leaning forward stiffly as though they were young teenagers once again, closed lips meeting closed lips for a chaste kiss. And as he pulled back, he looked down at his hands to find Hongjoong circling a silver ring on his empty ring finger. It was one that he had never seen before, but just at a glance, he knew the unique design of it was all Hongjoong’s doing. Just like their team rings. There was something special about the simple banding that wrapped around thrice, the two ends in a shape of stars with a diamond on the inside of them, and the middle wrap twisted into the infinity sign.
“Do you like it?” Hongjoong asked after a few seconds of silence between them, watching Seonghwa’s lip quiver as he twisted the ring around his finger, to feel if it was real, to probably make sure Hongjoong didn’t just pull a prank on him.
Their eyes met, new, unshed tears gleamed at Seonghwa’s waterline, his lips quivering, flipping up and down as he tried to figure out what he should be feeling. And in the end, he threw his arms over Hongjoong’s shoulders, pulling him close and locking their lips together in a more comfortable manner. Their faces naturally turned to slot them perfectly, like they had thousands of times before. Hongjoong’s hands firmly gripped Seonghwa’s hips, pulling their bodies close together to share their body heat.
“I’m sorry for being so distant with you today.” Hongjoong apologizes as their lips parted to take a breath, “It’s not an excuse, but I was just nervous about giving you your gift.”
“You should be sorry for giving me the cold shoulder,” Seonghwa counters, giving Hongjoong a pout that he could only find cute, kissing it off of Seonghwa’s face. “But I forgive you.”
“I love you, Hwa,”
“And I love you, Joong,”
Their lips met again, open-mouthed and wet as their teeth and tongues bit and licked, any space between them completely gone as their bodies were completely pulled flush together.
“Get your big head out of the way, Sannie!”
“SHHHH!!!”
Seonghwa and Hongjoong jump at the sound of extra voices behind them, turning around to find the 6 younger members all stacked on top of each other, peeking around the corner to see what the two eldest were up to.
“Boys…” Seonghwa, like the mother he is, gives them a warning eyebrow lift, his tone of a mother who found their kid with their hand in the cookie jar, challenging them to try to defend themselves and their crime.
At the sight of getting caught, the boys all scatter, tripping over themselves as they run back into the room where they were all sleeping in for the night.
Seonghwa and Hongjoong look back at each other, softly laughing at the absurdity of it all.
Hongjoong moves close to kiss Seonghwa again, like he could never get enough of his lips and his taste, barely pulling away again to whisper on his lips, “Merry Christmas, my love.”