Chapter Text
A week out of rehab.
Sebastian figured he’d probably give in sooner. Then again, Sam had been in the dorm all week. Which meant, no smoking, drinking or anything that would make Sam suspicious of him.
Seb already knows Sam keeps looking into his eyes to check his pupils.
However, Sam was going back to his family’s house for the weekend since it was his mother’s birthday that weekend. Seb hadn’t considered that when he had his breakdown. He chewed on the end of his pen and set it down on the desk.
He glanced at Sam, holding his jacket while he looked for his shoes. Sam caught his eye and smiled weakly. It was Sam’s usual smile. His cheekbones weren’t as high and something was just off about his eyes.
It wasn’t a ‘I’m so happy you’re back’ kind of smile. It was the ‘I hope you’re doing okay’ smile. The one his mom also gave him when he got out of rehab.
Thank fuck Sam picked him up instead of his mom. It wasn’t easy looking into Sam’s eyes, but it was easier than looking at his mom.
“What assignment are you working on?” Sam asked, seemingly uneasy with the way Sebastian kept eyeing him down.
Seb turned and stared at the paper. “Uh.. I’m not sure. I was gone during the assignment so I’m kind of.. lost.” He admitted, circling his best guess.
“Hey man, when I get back on Sunday I’ll definitely help you with it!” Sam grinned again, a little more genuine.
It was already Friday. Sam was going to leave Thursday night, but seemed too worried to leave Sebastian alone. Now he was offering to come back Sunday instead of Monday.
Seb felt guilty. It wasn’t easy to feel like this, but he got so used it, it got harder to change. “Alright. Thanks.” Seb nodded, turning back to his paper. He didn’t really know what else to say considering how awkward it was coming back.
He heard Sam shuffling behind him, slipping his jacket and shoes on. He could barely see Sam in the window’s reflection, but he could make out some expression.
Worry. Sam looked worried.
“If uh.. you need anything just call me okay?” Sam mumbled softly, reaching for his backpack.
“Oh, sure.” Seb’s hand tightened around his pen, staring at an equation. He didn’t even know what half the symbols were.
“I mean it Seb. I’m here for you, okay?” Sam smiled his worried smile again before reaching up to awkwardly play with Seb’s long hair.
Seb moved his head so Sam wasn’t touching him and smiled back half heartedly. “I know. I’ll call you if I need anything.”
Sam slowly put his arm down with an anxious smile. “Okay. I’ll see you Sunday. I’ll let you know when I’m at my mom’s and when I’m on my way back.”
“Sounds good.” Seb replied, waving over his shoulder while he goes back to trying to understand his paper.
He hears a few awkward steps and a defeated sigh before he hears the door open. Sebastian takes a deep breath and exhales slowly when the door clicks shut.
He stretches and stares out the window. They’re on the second story, with a nice view of a parking lot. Seb glances down and waits until he seems Sam walking to his car. He leans back and moves to stand up before seeing Sam turn and look at the window.
Seb waves but gets no wave back, so he assumed Sam couldn’t see him. He moved out of his chair and locked the door to their room. He glanced around his room before sitting beside his dresser, reaching in the bottom draw for a pair of pants.
College security and RA’s may have taken the things they could find, but not his secret spots. Inside his pocket in the pants, he pulled out a tiny bag of powder.
He peeked out the window from the floor and saw Sam’s car leaving the parking lot. He watched it drive away behind other buildings and moved to sit back on the floor.
“Sorry Sam.” He mumbled as he pulled his keys off the desk. He opened the bag and fit it into the lines of his keys. He held it up to his nose and sniff hard, immediately wincing a little.
He breathed deeply and held it for a second before slowly exhaling, staring at his wall. He slowly moved for another bump. His arms felt lighter than before. He snorted again and closed the bag, jamming it back into his pants pocket before putting it back into his dresser.
He stood up and smiled at how easy it felt to feel normal again.
He glanced at his desk and opened the draw, finding the screwdriver he kept for one purpose. He shifted to lay on the floor under his desk, unscrewing the outlet cover. With a little bit of patience a second small baggy fell out from behind it.
He quickly screwed the cover back on and sat up, throwing the screwdriver in the draw and closing it with his foot. He opened the tiny bag and immediately put the pill in his mouth, swallowing it dry.
He smiled widely, staring at the ceiling before his phone went off, snapping him out of it. He shifted to lay on his bed, pulling his phone up close.
Abigail: Seb!! We have to totally meet up soon!
Abigail: Sam just texted me and said you were back and might wanna hang out so what’s up! Wanna go out tonight?
Abigail intrigued Seb. They had been friends since highschool. Unlike Sam, who Seb met in middle school. Abigail was interesting though. She was always really friendly with Seb and they even hooked up one time. Maybe a few times.
She always looked at him like how Sam looked at him. Worried, but happy. He didn’t know if he could handle more sad glances.
Seb: Ehh maybe another time
Seb: Not feelin it.
Abigail: Come on. You’ll feel better with a night out. We can drive around the city and just look at stuff.
Seb: Nah. Thanks tho
Abigail: Well do you at least wanna ft and catch up?!
Seb thought about it. If she saw his eyes, he’d be fucked. He chose today because Sam would be gone for a while. He sighed and opened the facetime app to call her.
As soon as she picked up, he turned his camera off.
She was in her dorm, smile fading when Seb picked up. “Seeeeeebb. What’s up? How are you?!” She beamed with some excitement.
If there was one person Seb could talk to after rehab, it would be Abigail. She always took awkward moments and broke them into something to laugh about.
“Uh. I’m alright. Just catching up on work and talking with Sam.” Seb replied, turning his paper work over on his desk. He moved to sit his phone propped up on his desk so he could watch Abigail.
“Yeah? How is Sam? He said he’s like visiting his mom right?” She asked, while cleaning up her dorm.
“Yeah..” Sebastian mumbled, drawing shapes and doodles on his paper. He propped his arm on the bed to draw, but the paper looked fuzzy and bright. “Yeah It’s like her birthday party or something, right?” Seb asked, a little slower than usual.
“Oh yeah! I forget her name. Anyway, how’s your mom?” She asked.
Seb might as well have been punched in the gut. He stopped doodling and thought of his mom. Crying hysterically and talking incoherently while Seb was coming down in it all in rehab.
He vaguely remembered that night. The days that followed were worse. Constant visits and crying. Not being able to feel or think while on his medication.
“Seb?” Abigail scared him.
“Uh- My mom? Well she’s. She’s yknow. She’s just.. doing her think. Yeah, no, she’s good. I think. I mean..” Seb trailed off before sighing, way too hyped up still. “Never mind.”
“Oh um. I’m sorry. I just meant in general..” Abigail paused before glancing around her room. “Do you wanna do something tonight?” She asked, changing the subject easily. Sebastian always liked that about her.
“I don’t know. I kind of feel like listening to music and trying to catch up on work. I’m uh.. Trying to stay sober.” He swallowed, knowing damn well he was starting to feel the molly.
“You? Staying sober?” She smiled over the phone. Sebastian smiled too. “Well if that’s what you want, but I feel like you’re at least going to go back to weed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sober.” She laughed softly.
Sebastian felt guilty and sick, but he also felt so happy. Abby was something else. The way she always spoke and laughed like nothing was that serious. It eased Seb’s anxiety about his own personality.
“I know” Seb laughed softly back. “You’re right though. I at least need to smoke or something. Maybe go back to my medication.” He mumbled that last part, staring at Abby on his phone. Her hair was so vibrant in her room. She had multi colored lights that faded in and out on her walls. He wanted to be there.
He realized how quickly it took for the molly to hit.
“Yeah, but it’s like the least harmful one probably. I think.” She picked up a shirt and fold on her bed.
“Hey Abby. Do you want me to come over so we can smoke?” Seb asked suddenly, staring at Abigail to try and read her face. She looked a little shocked, squinting at the phone.
“Are you sure? I mean, I have everything, but should you really be smoking? Right after rehab?” She seemed anxious to ask. Afraid Sebastian would run away if she said the wrong thing.
Sebastian hesitated, the question landing heavier than he expected. The molly buzzed warmly under his skin, making everything feel a little brighter, a little easier. Like the sharp edges of the world had been sanded down just enough to touch without bleeding.
He hated how convincing that feeling was.
“I’ll be fine,” He said automatically, then winced at how fast it came out. He slowed down, tried again. “I mean.. I just wanna hang out and calm down a little.”
Abby’s smile softened, slipping into the camera’s view. She sat on the edge of her bed, the lights behind her cycling from blue to pink. “You can come over. Just us two?” She smiled.
Sebastian moved to get off the bed, taking his phone with him. “Yeah I don’t really wanna see anyone else right now.” He confessed, pulling his shoes on.
“Well uh can I invite Sophia over or would that be weird?” Abby asked awkwardly. Her laugh sounded angelic, but the thought of Sophia being there made him cringe.
“I don’t know.” Seb muttered, opening his dorm door and out the door. He made his way down the hall and stairwell. “She’s like.. Things got weird.” He confessed.
“Weird how?” Abby asked.
“Well. We were like hooking up I guess.” He sighed. “She keeps like, trying to get me to go on dates and stuff and I don’t wanna break her heart, but I can’t date her.”
“Wait what? She wants to date you? Also, why can’t you date her? Do you not like her?”
Seb shrugged as he walked, trying to process so many questions at once. “I mean it feels like she wants to date me, and honestly I feel like I’d do a lot more damage than good. She’s a nice girl. She likes cool stuff, but she’s nothing like me. She goes to classes and is like, a good student. I’ve done coke.”
Abby laughed on her side of the screen. “Don’t you think you should tell her that?” Abigail asked.
“I don’t know. I’m kind of worried it’ll be like a ‘I’ll support you no matter what’ kind of reaction, and I’m just not ready for another one of those.” He rubbed his head as he left his dorm, enjoying the cool air in the day. The sun was setting as he walked to her campus.
Abby tilted her head, considering him through the screen. “Another one of those?” she repeated gently.
Seb let out a breath that was halfway to a laugh, halfway to a sigh. “Yeah. Someone who thinks they can save me. Or worse—someone who thinks I’m just… temporarily broken.” He shoved his hands into his hoodie sleeves as he crossed the quad, the sky streaked orange and bruised purple above him. “I don’t know how to explain it all to people.”
“That’s fair,” Abby said. “But you don’t have to be cruel to be honest.”
“I know,” He said quickly. “I just…” He trailed off, the molly making his thoughts feel like they were moving through water. Slower. Slippier. “I don’t trust myself. Not with people’s feelings.”
Abby nodded, like that made complete sense to her. “Then maybe the honest thing is saying you’re not in a place to date anyone. Not her. Not anyone.”
Seb slowed his pace, sneakers scuffing against the sidewalk. “What about you?” he asked before he could stop himself.
The question hung there, heavier than he meant it to be.
Abby blinked, surprised, then smiled, small, careful. “I’m not asking to date you, Seb.”
“I know,” he said quickly. “I didn’t mean— I just meant—”
“I get it,” She interrupted softly. “And for the record, I don’t think you’re broken. I think you’re sick. And tired. And trying.”
That hit harder than he expected. He stopped walking altogether, standing near the edge of campus where the lampposts were just flickering on. His chest felt tight, not panicked exactly, just full.
“I don’t feel like I’m trying,” He admitted. “I feel like I’m failing in slow motion.”
Abby didn’t rush to fix that. She just listened, folding the shirt in her hands a little more slowly. “Trying doesn’t always look good,” she said. “Sometimes it looks like… calling someone instead of doing something worse.”
Seb swallowed. The cool air felt sharp in his lungs. “Sophia deserves someone stable,” he said. “Someone who can show up without… all this.”
“And you deserve not to hate yourself for knowing your limits,” Abby replied. “Those things can both be true.”
He nodded, even though his throat felt thick. The buzz in his body was cresting now, warmth tugging at his emotions, making everything feel closer to the surface. He hated how honest it made him.
“So,” Abby added carefully, “do you want me to invite her over?”
Seb thought about Sophia’s earnest smiles, the way she looked at him like he was something solid. He thought about Abby’s steady voice, the way she didn’t pretend things were simpler than they were.
“Yeah,” He said finally. “It’ll be fun.”
He started walking again, the path toward Abby’s dorm cutting through a stretch of grass that was already darkening with dusk. The molly hummed in his veins, warm and persuasive, telling him this was a good idea, telling him he could be normal tonight, charming and easy and fun. Telling him he could handle it.
Abby’s screen shifted as she moved, probably texting Sophia with her free hand. “She’ll be here in like ten minutes,” she said. “You’re still on your way, right?”
“Yeah,” Seb said. “Almost there.”
That wasn’t true. He was halfway at best. But lying felt easier than explaining the sudden knot forming in his stomach.
“Hey,” Abby added, softer now. “If at any point this feels bad, we can call it. No explanations.”
Seb nodded, even though she couldn’t see it again. “Thanks.”
The campus lights flickered on one by one, the sidewalks glowing faintly. He felt strangely floaty as he walked, like his body was moving a half-second behind his thoughts. He focused on small things, the crunch of gravel, the sound of someone laughing somewhere across the quad, to keep himself anchored.
By the time he reached Abby’s dorm, his heart was racing for reasons that had nothing to do with the walk. He pushed through the front door, the smell of cleaner and something sweet hitting him all at once. His phone buzzed.
Abby: she just got here
Of course she had.
Seb stared at the message for a second too long before replying.
Seb: omw upstairs
The stairwell felt endless. He watched the numbers climb, feeling the buzz crest again, a wave of confidence and dread tangled together. When he finally got to her floor, music drifted faintly down the hall. Something low and bass-heavy. It sounded like Sam’s music.
Abby’s door was already cracked open. He hesitated, hand hovering in the air, then knocked lightly.
“Seb!” Abby said, pulling the door open. Her smile was bright, but her eyes searched his face immediately, like she was checking in without saying it out loud.
Behind her, Sophia stood close to the bed, hair pulled back, laughing at something on her phone. She looked up when Seb stepped inside, her face lighting up in a way that made his chest tighten.
“Hey,” Sophia said. “Abby said you might come by.”
“Might,” Seb echoed, forcing a grin. “Yeah. Here I am.”
The door shut behind him with a soft click, and suddenly the room felt very small. Three people, too many feelings, and Seb standing in the middle of it all, trying to convince himself he hadn’t already crossed a line he didn’t know how to uncross.
“How have you been? Sam said you got out of rehab and you’re like.. Sober now?” Sophia asked gently, hopeful even.
Sebastian glanced out the window, focusing on the lights floating around Abby’s room instead of her question. “Yeah.. Something like that, but I’m still probably going to smoke.” He explained, feeling a slight headache coming into place.
“Oh that’s cool!” Sophia tried to seem happy, but she seemed nervous. Nervous to make a fool of herself in front of Sebastian because of her crush on him. It wasn’t hard to piece together.
Abby shifted where she was leaning against her desk, sensing the wobble before it tipped. “Do you want some water?” She asked Seb, casual but pointed. “You look like you’re thinking too hard.”
Seb let out a breath that almost counted as a laugh. “Yeah. Water sounds good.”
She handed him a cup, their fingers brushing just barely. It grounded him for half a second. Enough to notice the way Sophia was watching him, hopeful and careful, like she was waiting for him to confirm something she’d already decided about who he was now.
“So,” Sophia said, tucking one leg behind herself, “Are you back in classes this semester?”
Seb took a sip, too fast. The water sloshed cold in his stomach. “Uh. Sort of,” He said. “I’m enrolled. Attendance is… aspirational.”
Sophia smiled politely, but Abby snorted before she could stop herself. “That’s one way to put it.”
Seb glanced at Abby, grateful. “Yeah. I’m just trying to not implode, you know? School’s kind of secondary.”
Sophia nodded quickly. “Yeah. Totally. I mean— mental health comes first.”
There it was. The tone. The carefulness. The version of him she was already trying to be gentle with. Seb felt the headache throb harder, right behind his eyes.
“Hey,” Abby cut in, turning the music down a notch. “Do you guys want to sit? You’re making it weird just standing there.”
Seb took the hint and dropped onto the bed, back against Abby’s wall. Sophia hesitated, then sat beside him, close enough that he could feel the heat from her leg. Too close. Not close enough. His brain couldn’t decide.
“So you’re really doing better?” Sophia asked softly. “Like… actually?”
Seb stared at the cup in his hands. The molly tugged at his honesty, loosened his grip on the version of himself he usually presented. “I’m doing different,” he said finally. “I don’t know if that’s better yet.”
Sophia’s face fell just a little, like she’d been hoping for a cleaner answer. “Oh.”
Abby watched him from across the bed, unreadable. Not judging. Just… paying attention as she tightly rolled her joint.
“I don’t want to lie,” Seb added, quieter. “I’m not cured. I’m just… here.”
The silence stretched. Sophia nodded, swallowing. “That makes sense,” She said, tucking her pink hair behind her ear. “I just— Sam.. made it sound like you were, you know. On the other side of it.”
Seb winced. “Sam likes clean narratives.”
Abby smiled at that, small and sad.
Sophia laughed weakly, then looked down at her hands. “I guess I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Seb felt something twist in his chest. Guilt. Affection. Fear. “I appreciate that,” he said. “Really.”
But appreciation wasn’t the same thing as what she wanted, and they all seemed to know it.
Abby stood abruptly. “Okay,” she said, clapping her hands once, too loud. “I’m done rolling. Anyone who wants to smoke can join me on the window ledge.”
Sophia looked at Seb, searching his face. “You in?”
Seb hesitated. The headache pulsed. The room felt warm, too warm, like the air itself was pressing in on him.
“In a minute,” He said. “I just need to sit.”
Sophia nodded, trying not to look disappointed, and followed Abby toward the window. As they turned away, Seb leaned his head back against the bed and closed his eyes.
He told himself this was fine.
He told himself he was in control.
Somewhere deep down, a quieter voice wondered how many times he’d said that before. How any times he lied to Sam.
No way, I’m sober.
Rehab will help, I swear.
The pills aren’t mine.
He rubbed his face, pinkies anxiously pulling at his lip piercings. The memories stacked up fast, overlapping, louder the more he tried to push them away.
I’ve got it under control.
It’s just for sleep.
I can stop whenever.
His chest felt tight, like the room had shrunk another inch while he wasn’t looking. Seb dragged his hands down his face and opened his eyes, blinking hard at the ceiling. The lights on Abby’s walls blurred at the edges, colors bleeding into one another. He focused on counting them. Red, blue, green. Anything to keep from sinking.
From the window, he could hear Abby and Sophia talking in low voices, the soft crackle of a lighter, the hiss of an exhale. Laughter followed, easy and unburdened. The sound made his stomach twist. He wanted to be part of it. He wanted to disappear into it.
He pushed himself up, legs shaky, and crossed the room. Abby glanced over immediately, concern spreading slowly across her face before she masked it with a smile.
“You okay?” She asked quietly.
“Yeah,” Seb said, reflexively. The word tasted wrong. He swallowed and tried again. “I’m… not great.”
Abby nodded like she’d expected that answer. “You don’t have to be.”
Sophia watched them from the side, arms wrapped around herself. “Do you want some?” she asked, holding the joint out halfway, then hesitated. “Only if you want.”
Seb stared at it. The smell was familiar, comforting in a way that scared him. His head throbbed, his thoughts racing and dragging all at once. This would quiet things. At least for a bit.
“I shouldn’t,” he said, almost to himself.
Seb watched Abby set the joint down on the desk instead of handing it to him, like she was giving him space to decide without saying it out loud. The room hummed. Music, lights, his pulse in his ears. The molly softened the edges of everything. It made the fear feel negotiable.
“It’s just weed,” He said finally, almost defensively. Mostly to himself. He was already doing coke and molly anyway. “They even talked about it in rehab. Harm reduction. Like.. pick the lesser thing.”
Abby didn’t argue. That felt worse than if she had. “If that’s the choice you’re making,” she said carefully, “then make it on purpose.”
Sophia glanced between them, hopeful flickering back to life. “Yeah,” she said. “I mean, it’s not like you’re drinking or anything.”
Seb nodded too fast. There it was. The permission he’d been waiting for, even though no one had really given it. His head throbbed, the noise inside him spiking, and the idea of quiet felt irresistible.
“Just a little,” He said. “I don’t want to get high. I just want to… take the edge off.”
He reached for the joint before he could second-guess himself. It felt familiar between his fingers, grounding in a way nothing else had tonight. He took a small hit, careful, controlled. Held it. Exhaled.
For a moment, nothing happened.
Then the tension in his shoulders eased, just a fraction. The buzzing in his head smoothed out, thoughts lining up instead of crashing into each other. Relief washed through him.
It convinced him he’d be okay.
“There,” he said quietly, handing it back. “See? Fine.”
Sophia smiled, visibly relaxing. “Told you.”
Abby watched him closely, her expression unreadable. “Check in with yourself,” she said. “Like, actually.”
Seb leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. His body felt lighter now, like he’d slipped into a version of himself that was easier to exist in. The guilt dulled, pushed to the background.
“I feel better,” He admitted. That was the most dangerous part. It was true.
The quieter voice tried to say something about patterns, about how just a little had never stayed little, but it was harder to hear now, muffled beneath the relief.
Seb opened his eyes and smiled at them, softer this time, more real. “I’m okay,” He said.
Everyone in the room believed him.
Seb could hold up this lie.
Definitely.