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To give you everything
I
Shen Yi looked at Gu “What am I going to do with a kid” Yun, intent in perusing the items displayed by a street seller. The man offered very refined wooden trinkets of all kinds but Gu Yun wasn’t satisfied. He’d been searching for a gift for the last two hours and Shen Yi’s patience was wearing thin – his poor patience, always tested by that man’s behaviour.
«Let’s go.» Gu Yun grabbed Shen Yi’s arm and brought him along the road, towards a small shop.
«Can’t you really find anything? He’s a good kid and he’s never had much. He’ll be thrilled whatever you choose for him.»
«Is this a good excuse to bring him a poor choice of present?» Gu Yun feigned a great disdain.
«No, I mean…» Shen Yi was at a loss for words, feeling a bit guilty for his previous sentence. But Gu Yun started laughing at him, as he always did. «Oh, stop it! I mean, we both want to give the kid the best, but we’re going to be stranded in this city for a day more, if you don’t decide. He’s waiting for us to come back.»
«That kid.» Gu Yun sighed. «He’s so eager to learn. He looks at you with those eyes, and it feels like…»
Gu Yun’s attention was finally stolen by something he deemed good enough for his godson: a small wooden bow, not a serious tool but something more than a toy. He left Shen Yi in the middle of the road and ran to buy it.
He never said what it felt like, when Chang Geng’s eyes looked at you.
II
The imperial court had engulfed them with its particular kind of poison. The imperial court was capable of sucking people dry of everything they had, if one wasn’t careful enough to put up some defences.
Gu Yun knew it well. For this reason he’d never expected his relationship with Chang Geng to survive the moment they’d be forced to head to the court.
He wasn’t a fool, he had guessed what the boy’s reaction could be, when he was forced to face the secret truths of his life. But he had also wished that something could last. Chang Geng wouldn’t need a godfather no more, once he entered the court and accepted his role and the legacy bestowed upon him. Would he need Gu Yun for something else, though? Or would his youthful rage last, severing their connection?
A silly thought traversed the clouds in Gu Yun’s mind: maybe he would never get to choose another gift for Chang Geng. He wouldn’t even be able to give him a bunch of small things he’d already set aside for him.
Gu Yun was ready to fight to keep Chang Geng’s affection, but he had no illusions about what the court could do to people. Their fates were entwined with those of the imperial family, the capital, the entire nation. There were things that could not be decided by them.
Yet, stubborn as he was, he decided he’d not throw away those things he’d prepared for Chang Geng. He’d try to give him gifts as he had always done – partly because he didn’t really know a different, better way to get in touch with Chang Geng, partly because maybe he wasn’t the master of his own fate, but he wasn’t ready to give up that boy with his deep, dark eyes and the way they searched into his soul.
III
A couple days after the terrifying wu’ergu attack that had left Gu Yun with a bite mark on his arm and a deep wound in his heart, he came home to Chang Geng with a gift. It was a very thin, elegant silver bracelet, one not fit for a prince, but Gu Yun’s thought had been one of practicality: Chang Geng could easily hide it under embroidered sleeves or under other, more suiting wrist ornaments. He would have given him something better, but his instinct had guided him towards the jewel because it was easy to keep secret. It was one of many ways to tell Chang Geng: I’m here, I’m always here, even when you can’t see me or when the world cannot let us be.
Chang Geng was looking at the thin silver chain with adoration in his eyes.
«I thought: maybe I should buy him a chew toy, or a special vambrace against bites for me» Gu Yun said.
«Zixi, I’m sorry…» A shadow fell over Chang Geng’s smile and Gu Yun repented of his joke, even if, in his intentions, it was a way to dispel the clouds of sorrow hanging over them.
Gu Yun stopped more words of apology with a gentle touch of his fingers on the other’s lips. This shut Chang Geng up and Gu Yun smiled. His heart was terribly heavy, thinking about the attack and what it meant.
Thinking of all the times Chang Geng had been suffering while he wasn’t there.
They were laying on the bed, Chang Geng’s head resting on Gu Yun’s shoulder, as he put on the bracelet. Gu Yun looked at him and fought once again to keep away the thought of a very young Chang Geng alone in the darkness, tortured by the mysterious poison cursing him, his mind imprisoned by nightmares and his body crushed by a stranger and terrifying force. The picture would keep on haunting his mind forever, he knew. Oh, he would have fought against time itself, to go back, pierce the shroud of darkness against that lonely child and stand at his side!
«Zixi, what are you thinking of?»
«Are you done with using me as a pillow? You’re heavy.»
«I don’t believe you. You’re frowning. What’s wrong?»
«I don’t believe you, you say? You were so much more filial and respectful when you were young…»
«Zixi, please!»
The flash of clear pain in Chang Geng’s eyes won Gu Yun’s defenses. He sighed, then brushed a lock of unruly hair away from Chang Geng’s face. «I was thinking about the times you were alone to face… That. If only I had known…»
Chang Geng’s hand reached Gu Yun’s arm. Around his unadorned wrist, the thin silver line of the bracelet shone like a string of little stars. «Alone? I was never alone. The mere thought of your exsistence is what has always kept me sane. You’ve always been there. I wouldn’t have made it out alive or sane, if it hadn’t been for you.»
Gu Yun placed his lips upon Chang Geng’s forehead and indulged there for a while, not trusting his mouth to say the right thing, at the moment.
Needy arms snaked around his waist and held him strongly.
IV
In the blinding joy of celebration after the war was won, the new emperor was hindered by his many duties while the wounded marshal was confined to the bed.
Chang Geng stayed away from home for days, then he appeared for a few hours and was gone again. Gu Yun found himself longing for those brief encounters, feeling they were more effective on his health than all his medicines. He’d never been clingy, and the life he had led up until that moment had taught him the meaning of distance and solitude.
Maybe he was getting old or maybe his injuries had made him more mellow, somehow, but many times he caught himself wishing that restarting their nation after the war was happening faster, so that the new sovereign had a little more time for him.
He had a lot of people fussing over him every second of every day, and of course there was Shen Yi, which came to bring him news and company.
«Zixi, how are you feeling today?»
«Jiping, I’d feel better if you stopped looking at me like I was on the verge of death.»
«I’m just worrying for you.»
«You always come into the room with those pitiful eyes: it’s like you’re looking at some sort of dying animal. It’s unnerving.»
«I know you’re not going to die: you will be pestering me for the rest of my existence.»
«You can bet. Also, could you congratulate with me because my beauty has not been compromised by my injuries?»
«You’re really insufferable!»
Bullying Shen Yi had always been one of the greatest joys of Gu Yun’s life. In that moment he was in really deep pain: his wounds were getting better but healing was never an easy thing. His skin still burned and itched in so many parts, his broken bones were slowly settling back in place, but every second of this was painful. There were moments where medicines and rest made him feel better, but most of the time he had to endure the pain, as he had always done in his life. So, having Shen Yi at his mercy was a good thing: he could forget his pain for a bit at the expense of his lifelong friend.
«Is there anything you need?» asked Shen Yi, after some more banter had finally satisfied Gu Yun’s need to get on his nerves.
«Yes.»
«If you’re about to say something stupid…»
«No, I’m serious. Would you buy something for me?»
«What do you need?»
«It’s not for me. Jiping, what do you gift an emperor?»
Shen Yi looked confused, then a small smile lighted his face. «You’re thinking about buying him presents even now? Do you think he expects those from you, now?»
«I want to give him something.»
«Is he still angry at you for having almost blown up? Do you think you can appease him with a gift?»
«I know a thing with which I could appease him, but at the moment I’m not in the best conditions to give it…»
«No, I don’t want to hear a word more!» Shen Yi covered his ears with his hands while Gu Yun laughed.
«Maybe it’s true: I try to appease him when I’m afraid he’s angry. But choosing gifts for him has always been…» He made a vague gesture with his hands. It was hard to put into words, but Shen Yi had always been there, so maybe he’d understand.
«I think the true gift you gave him is the fact that you came back almost in one piece.» Shen Yi’s voice was soft. «You’ll have plenty of time to spoil him.»
«I know. But you offered so kindly to buy something for me, so could I trouble you to fetch me a good sewing kit?»
«Just moments ago you were asking me about a gift fit for an emperor, and this is what you’ve come up with?»
«Can you do it or not?»
Shen Yi shook his head, defeated. «I’ll have someone find the best and send it to you.»
The gift came sooner than expected but when a servant brought it in, Gu Yun was in such deep pain that he barely acknowledge the small package left on his bedtable.
It was a long night and Gu Yun was resigned to hurt too much to fall asleep. He’d endure and hope that the passing of time would wear him out so thoroughly that he could at least pass out.
In the darkest moment someone entered the room. Someone exceptionally quiet, someone who didn’t want to risk disturbing him, someone who knew the room well and knew how to move inside it.
Not even the pain could make Gu Yun’s sense of smell fail: that soft silhouette, barely visible, brought a special scent with him. Despite the pain, Gu Yun smiled.
A hand left the most delicate caress on his sweating brow.
«You’re here» Gu Yun murmured, a childish joy filling his chest.
«Zixi.» The mattress shifted a little and suddenly there was someone warm close to Gu Yun. «You’re in pain.» Chang Geng’s voice went from a soft whisper to almost a sob.
«Not now that you’re here.»
«I see it. Don’t lie to me.»
Gu Yun took a deep breath. «Healing hurts.»
Chang Geng’s hands slowly freed Gu Yun’s face from locks of hair, then a soft, perfumed fabric dried the sweat on his face. «Tell me if it gets better or if I’m making it worse.»
«You could never…» he sighed, as Chang Geng’s fingers started working on his temples.
After a while, Chang Geng’s hands went down all of Gu Yun’s body. He knew the places he wasn’t meant to touch, lest he worsen the injuries, and those parts he could help with his medical expertise. Maybe it was his massage, maybe his warm presence, but finally some semblance of sleep caught Gu Yun’s tired mind and he could rest a while.
When he woke up, he could grasp that it was morning. Chang Geng was still in the room, though he was moving around. Surely he had to go.
«Wait…» Gu Yun moved his hand, searching for something on the bedtable, and ended up making everything on it tumble down.
«What are you trying to do?» Chang Geng ran to his side.
«I got a thing for you.» He had managed to grab the small package and held it with a hint of a smile.
«Why are you preoccupied with giving me things in times like this? The only thing I want from you is to see you regain your health.»
«But it’s a good gift. Fit for an emperor. It will remind you of something.»
Chang Geng opened it and stared at it for some moments, in silence.
«Do you understand, your majesty?» Gu Yun asked. «You can lead a nation, but I’ll always need you to come to me and repair my belt. Don’t forget it.»
Gu Yun wasn’t seeing or hearing clearly anymore, but he felt the kiss wholly, body and mind.
V
Gu Yun had prohibited Chang Geng from entering the room he used as a personal study. Not until after Chang Geng’s birthday. It wasn’t a very subtle way of doing things, but the former emperor had the insane habit of checking on Gu Yun every moment of every day, so he had to take precautions.
The Marquis who had been renowned for his exquisite penmanship and calligraphy had decided to draw out his talents again, together with painting tools.
He had always adored preparing gifts for Chang Geng. Even when he didn’t know what to buy for him, when he still treated him as a child although he was grown up, even when he had risked bringing a wolf home instead of a dog, he had adored the process of finding a special thing for that special little person.
Time had passed but he still delighted in the act of making Chang Geng surprised and happy. Decades together, and still Gu Yun lived for the sensation of those dark, inquiring eyes fixed on him. Those eyes which hid mysteries but were honest just for him. Eyes that were both soft and stormy, a bit scary, so demanding, so intoxicating.
On his desk there was an amazingly built, graceful fan, and he was intent in painting it. He had taken his time to choose and try the design, before setting to work on the actual object. Now he was almost finished.
The once white fan exploded with lively flowers, delicately painted with an elegant hand.
A flower for every path they’d walked together.
Small, white jasmine flowers: they reminded him of snowflakes. They reminded him of Yanhui town and those snowy woods where Gu Yun had saved little Chang Geng. The former emperor sometimes liked to wax poetic and spoke about a fated meeting, but Gu Yun felt more like they had fought against fate, to retrieve their own threads and bind them together, in the face of everything they’d been through.
Apricot flowers for the years they’d shared once they’d entered the capital and consigned their destinies to the nation. Gu Yun remembered sending Chang Geng an apricot branch inside a letter. He had seen something beautiful and his instinct had been to seize it and keep it for Chang Geng. He really had always wanted to give him everything. In those hard days, they had held fast to their fates, because there were many thorns in the capital, ready to tear them apart, but they had bloomed together nonetheless.
Osmanthus, the golden drops Gu Yun had brought to Chang Geng’s bed when he’d been hurt. Bright as the sun – and who could be the sun, if not Chang Geng? His sun, who had walked a perillious road from suffering child to enlightened emperor.
Plum flowers, those which bloomed in full beauty in their garden. For many years Gu Yun had never dared to think about a future for himself: he had simply accepted he’d be a martyr of the battlefield. Until one troublesome yong man had kissed him and made him think that there was something more. In the end, they’d been able to build a home and share years of peace.
To all the days still to come, he thought, as the brush gently traced the last stroke.