Chapter Text
Quiet yet not unnoticed whimpering was coming from Lo’ak’s hammock, his body covered in sweat and his tail twitching like crazy, nightmare ,again, the same one repeating over and over like it needed some closure from Lo’ak, hunting him in his sleep.
It goes like this, they jump in the water and then it turns red, Neteyam screaming ,pleading for his life, saying he's shot, and that it hurt's, so bad, but even if he tries, he can't reach Neteyam, then he hears that gargling sound again and before he can do anything else he wakes up.
Breathless, when he woke up in tears gasping for air no one except him was awake. Thankfully, usually there's someone, usually it was his mom or Kiri, who just had to have trouble sleeping too, making Lo’ak explain himself and excuse himself to go for a walk.
His hammock was swinging side to side making him a little nauseous.
When looking around, the only source of light was Spider’s mask and dimmed light that came from bioluminescent plankton drifting and shimmering beneath the surface while waves gently tapped against the marui support system.
He stood up and quietly snuck out, making sure to not step on anything laying on the ground. The air inside the marui was stale, and the difference was noticeable when he stepped outside, when much colder air surrounded his body, it made him slightly shiver.
He sat on the edge of the marui and hung his feet into the water, it cooled down his body but his mind kept on racing. Repeating one thing. Not my fault, not my fault..
,, Lo’ak?” Kiri spoke up, scaring the hell out of him, ,, What are you doing here?” Her voice sounded tired, she rubbed her eyes and stretching a little, did he wake her up?
,, Just getting some fresh air, I’ll go back in a minute.” He said with as gentle tone as possible, but that didn’t quite convince Kiri, not even a little. She knew that he was lying, during the day his mind was elsewhere, he was visibly sleep deprived. She knew this wasn’t for the first time he has been up in the middle of the night just to ‘get some air’.
,, Lo’ak, whatever is it, you can tell me.” Her hand landed on his back as she sat down next to him. In few quiet seconds many little creatures were swimming by her feet.
A thought shot trough the back of his head, more painful than a bullet.
I would rather dream it every night for the rest of my life before telling anyone the whole truth. They all think of me the same, this would be just another inconvenience to deal with. Poor Lo'ak is having nightmares wah wah.
,, No it’s nothing, nothing to worry about.” He shrugged her hand off. If Kiri was able to read minds and not only body language ,she wouldn’t bother asking, she knew her brother was lying, but didn’t know why.
But this time she will let that slide, after all it’s middle of the night. After a long minute Kiri stood up, pulling Lo’ak to his feet. ,, Let’s go Lo’ak. We both need to get some more sleep.”
,, Yeah you are right, good night Kiri, thanks.” For whatever she just did, he was thankful she came out to sit with him out there.
Sunlight filled the room and pulled him from his sleep, Jake and Neytiri were already awake, his mom was cooking breakfast while his dad cleaned the fish he must have gotten off the market in the village. ,, Good morning.” Slipped out of Jake’s mouth automatically.
,, Good morning.” Lo’ak replied while still having his back turned to them, he was so tired but his anxiety rose with each second he knew that his dad was watching him.
Lazy, lazy lazy ,lazy ,good for nothing..
That made him get out of his hammock real quick. ,, Kiri and Tuk are off with Tey, maybe you could ask Ao and Rtoxo if you could help with something.” Suddenly slipped out of his dads mouth.
It felt like his dad was nagging him but he wasn’t sure because of his tone, he has been monotone since-
,, Did you hear me boy?” He raised his voice and that made Lo’ak jump a little.
,, Yes sir.”
,, Pull your goddamn weight.” Lo’ak called his illu, it was full of joy and energy when swam underneath the marui. Joyful clicking sounds resonated through his body as he sat down. When he connected his uturu to his Illu it felt something, it felt the stress Lo’ak was feeling, poor little animal flapped it's fins as it wanted to help but didn’t know how to.
,, No don’t worry, it’s gonna be okay.” followed by a soft pat on it’s neck signaling for it to move. He spotted Ao’nung and Rtoxo playing on the beach.
,, Hey my dad asked if there’s anything we need to do today.”
,, No forest boy but you can bring me some snacks from the market.” Ao’nung said as he got hit in the face with a ball that norman gave them.
I chuckled as he shouted at R’toxo. He found himself an empty sand island and made himself comfortable there, not even noticing when he fell asleep. A stinging pain woke him up, the sun was setting but when he tried to do rapid movement’s, it was almost impossible.
,, Shit, sunburn.” He said to himself after looking at his slight violet skin.
He got onto his Illu and swam back to his Marui. No surprise when he saw his dad already waiting for him in front of the pod. ,, Your com and ear piece, do you think these are just to fuck around with when I am bored? Where were you?!” Jake raised his voice and Lo’ak’s first instinct was to look back, to see what his older brother has to say..but Neteyam wasn’t there.
,, I accidentally fell asleep.” He murmured. ,, Oh asleep, did I allow you to accidentally fall asleep mid day? Or did I tell you to pull your weight and help around? What happened to being cautious at all times? You know that this was perfect example where you could have gotten- If this happens one more time, next time you will be waking up, It will be next to Neteyam.”
Lo'ak's chin was already shaking holding back so much he wanted to say, instead he kept it to himself.
Why does he has to be so angry with me all the time?
,, Sorry sir.”
,, Get inside.” He walked past his dad right to his hammock trying not to scratch his dry burned skin.
,, Jake your son is sun burned, why aren’t you saying something?” Neytiri rushed over as she carried a small packet of white cream. ,, Didn’t notice.” Jake brushed off.
,, You never do.” Lo’ak whispered. And it's true, lately he has been just stuck in the past. But so has Lo’ak-
While Neytiri was applying the cream he was trying to hiss as little as possible. But every slight touch was stinging too much.
That night was first night where he didn’t get any sleep, it was too painful, and day after day he was fighting to stay awake during the day and trying his best to force himself to sleep by night.
Soon he was diagnosed with Insomnia. Norman said it’s unusual for Na’vi since Na’vi body can’t develop such illness, their mind forces whatever causes the insomnia out, sort of deleting memories, but since he had demon blood-
Ronal tried to sedating him with her relaxing herbs, Tonowari as a mate of Tsahik tried to give Lo’ak relaxing massages, then they tried soul cleansing trough Eywa, but nothing seemed to work for more than couple of days.
The memory kept on coming back, replaying the death of his brother again ,and again, and again each time with a different scenario, small details shifting, moments changing, but no matter what he did, it always led to the same traumatic ending.
It caused Lo’ak many problems, many of which Jake nor Neytiri didn’t understand, or more like didn’t know why they were happening and Lo’ak was refusing to talk about it.
,, Stubborn,” Hissed Jake as he stormed out of the marui. That was the exact reason why he refused, he knew that his father’s anger would be the reason why Lo’ak takes away his own life. He feared that his dad was gonna say something along the lines of ‘But it was your fault boy.’
Day after day he lost the track of time, losing sense of time was the first stage of his terror. Second was it all slowly turning into paranoia, avoiding his dad, his siblings, distancing himself from T’sireya, knowing damn well she was the only one who didn’t think of him as a freak. When he woke up from a what seemed half an hour of sleep looking at the digital watch in the corner of the room, he knew he needed to at least go for a walk, maybe that would distract his mind like it used to. While walking along the coastline he suddenly heard it, there it was, much louder than before.
,, it was your fucking fault Lo’ak, because of you, Neteyam is dead! Dead! You hear me?! i lost my oldest, my first born, you will never be good as him!” Jake’s voice chasing him into a dead end.
Even in broad daylight, his mind betrayed him. He heard Jake’s voice screaming at him. Darting his eyes while seeing no one but the endless blues of the sea, he couldn’t stop it by covering his ears.
,, Your fault! That’s what happens when you disobey orders, people get killed.” No no no no no no-
Lo’ak found himself shrinking and curling up beneath the threes, trapped and helpless. That night he was cautious more than ever before, the night that was usually so peaceful was full of unknown whispering.
Frek, demon blood, killer-
Few days passed and Ronal’s herbs seemed to relieve Lo’ak of his suffering for at least couple of hours. But it had to eventually catch up to him.
Flashes of his brother’s lifeless body. Causing him to panic under water-
Almost drowning, twice, but each time there was his illu to save him.
No one seemed to figure out the cause and the more they just tried to stomp it into the ground, the louder would Lo’ak wake up, in panic, trying to soothe himself.
After a month he was seriously acting like he was in a tranz, his reactions were almost five seconds late, his under eye bags were slowly but surely turning dark blue with each sedated night. He was easily irritated, it was making him crazy. And worst of all, he lost all appetite, even the smell of food was making him nauseous.
,, Lo’ak?” Jake spoke up while Lo’ak was just trying to calm himself down, biting his lips, shaking his leg, but it just seemed impossible, the feeling of calm has left him long time ago, and not even eywa nor the spirit tree brought him the comfort he sometimes would find there.
Lo’ak’s state reminded Jake of ptsd he used to have himself-
He hated it.
,, Stop it!” Jake shouted making the boy actually stop and look up. ,, Why are you always angry at me?!” Lo’ak snapped back.
,, Oh boy don’t you-”
,, What?! Tell me why the fuck you are always so impatient with me?! Like it’s my fault what’s happening to me?!” And only thing Jake heard was an english word pronounced bad. ,, Lo’ak you need to calm down you are just tired-” His mom said while slowly approaching him.
,, No shit-” A slap came flying his way from his dad. ,, You apologise to your mother right now.” He grabbed Lo’ak by his tsaheylu and turned his head towards neytiri making Lo'ak flinch from pain.
,, No ma Jake-”
,, Sorry mom.” He said clearly in pain. After Jake let go they both stood up. ,, Walk with me-” Said Jake with his jaw clenched, his younger son followed, in shame and fear.
From afar Tey and Kiri were watching it all happen, the shouting, the push, walking away, It was heated argument, it was visible that they both were tired, dog dired like Jake would say. ,, Let’s go Tey it’s not safe for him to leave in a state like this.” Kiri said running towards the water trying to blink away her tears.
The people say that when you touch steel, it's poison seeps into your heart.
He made his way over to the very top of a small island where they had dug his bother’s bow and a gun-
By the time T’sireya and Kiri caught up, they already saw im kneeling down in front of a small cliff overlooking the water. The course sand dug into the skin of his knees as he knelt down, the waves thrashing against the shores around him. 'If you disobey orders, people get killed.'
‘you can’t do one thing right, because tell me why when Tonowari told you not to bond with an outcast, you still go out there and do it?!’
His father's voice rang steadily through his head, the cold metal of the gun in his arms doing little to ground him. 'He's a loose canon, he's just like you.'
Despite the pride that Lo'ak held for his spirit brother, such a comment stung when it fell from his own father's mouth, as it was meant to be hurtful.
It almost was similar to the anger he held against Lo’ak for the death of Neteyam. His breathing grew shallow, his throat aching as he stifled down his tears. 'In fact, if you hadn't gone to him in the first place...'
He swallowed thickly, struggling to level-out the oxygen in his lungs as his hands fumbled for the gun. 'If you hadn't disobeyed orders, then your brother would still be-'
Lo'ak choked out a sob as he rearranged the weapon beneath his chin, the cool metal seeping into his neck as he rested it against his body. Part of him could already imagine the aftermath; the ruckus, the rage, the relief.
He would get to finally sleep peacefully.
His pointer-finger shook against the trigger, his eyes streaming with tears as his gaze flickered over the horizon with uncertainty. His ears pulled back and his posture grew taught, ready for the impact-
But that impact never came, he threw the gun away as he began to gasp for air, his tears falling down his cheeks, he couldn't even do this one thing right.
Before he thought about picking it up again, now with starting rage within him, he heard gut wrenching scream, T’sireya.
It almost felt like a slow motion when she dropped to her knees next to him and her arms wrapped around him, relieving any kind of pain he was in, then Kiri appeared on the other side. She noticed the gun and I now waited for what she was about to say.
Stupid ,weak, arrogant, attention seeker.
"Stay in this life, brother,” Lo'ak's eyes still failed to meet hers, "We need you," she pleaded with him, her eyes beginning to water. "Talk to us," she practically begged, looking up at him through the corner of her eye as she squeezed his hand in reassurance, "You need to speak to me, Lo'ak, I need to know why."
,, I feel like a burden to this family.” Slipped out of Lo’ak’s mouth. It cut trough the thin air, like his mom’s arrows, hitting right in the heart.
,, Well you are not,” T’sireya pulled away while holding onto his pinky. ,, I see you, and you are a gift to my clan, without you I wouldn’t know how to love.” And she didn’t stutter once. For a brief moment she made him forget about what has he done.
,, It was my fault.”
,, No, no no no.” Kiri began to repeat as she broke down, she didn’t know how to answer but she knew it wasn’t. She knew exactly what was he talking about, she heard them argue but couldn’t comprehend how Jake, their dad, could blame Lo’ak.
"He hates me," he disputed, raising his voice despite the burn in his throat, "Everyone does. Everytime I make a mistake, everytime I do something wrong, the consequences-" His voice broke off into another sob, one of his hands raising to cover his mouth, muffling his anguish.
"Oh, Lo'ak, no," Kiri fussed, returning her arm back around his shoulders.
When returning back it was harder than he thought, he should have done it, get over with it, but he would forever carry the guilt if Tey and Kiri found him dead-
One week later there it was again, late night, nightmare, but how ironic that Jake was the one to follow Lo’ak out.
,, Boy, what are you doing here?” And already his voice made Lo’ak roll his eyes. ,, Nothing, I’ll be back in a minute.”
,, No, I said now.” Always demanding. ,, No, I don’t want to, I don’t know since when it became okay to drag me around, I won’t jump as you whistle anymore, I am sick of it.”
,, See that’s exactly your problem, you just don’t listen,” Jake again grinned trough his teeth.
,, Yeah okay, dad, do you love me?” Lo’ak asked on the verge of tears. There it was, the hesitation in Jake, almost leaving him speechless.
,, Okay, I am gonna make it right, for once.” Lo’ak jumped into the water and swam off o his illu, he knew that this time payakan wouldn’t be here to save him nor his dad because as he just proved himself, there was nothing giving his life a meaning.
When he felt the cold slowly freeze his limbs, broke the bond with his Illu, ,, Go, swim back, at least one of us has to see the light of the tomorrow.
,, No, i will come back-” He pat the head of his Illu when her head dug into his chest pushing him accidentally away, his legs were getting weak so he knew he couldn't thread water for much longer, she trusted him but he also felt his rage when she swam here.
,, Come back as a brief breeze you feel when searching for me, you will find me, but not like you see me now, you will recognize me in a small blue coral or a blue pearl, in a weirdly shaped cloud-”
She turned back, flicking her fins as quick as possible. Waves began to slam into his face and sides of his head. This is it?
Oh eywa take me back...
And here his mind shut off, thinking it was finally over, an end where eywa could take him in, with no shame, remove his fear from this moment, reunite him with his older brother whom he lost one and a half month ago, no more paranoia, no more sedating, panic attacks, nightmares, waking up screaming, that was a vision in his head as his body was sinking down.
His small body pulled down by the gravitation. The meaning of this was to give his life at least a moment of recognition, to give it back to eywa meant to restore the balance and remove the chaos he had suffered.
How ironic.
He has seconds left to live and his last thought was if his dad will finally notice him, see him, like he always wanted him to be, still, quiet, peacefully sleeping, small air bubbles were drifting towards the surface as his body began to twitch.
His freckles began to dim. It began to be painful, pressure of the depth began to compress his already empty lungs, but maybe this kind of pain was what he deserved.
Was it his fault? Was Neteyam hurting even more than this?
He will get all his answers when they reunite.
Cold, invasive, slowly seeping into his skin.
Pain, sharp.
Panic, overwhelming, because the ocean keeps moving the same way whether he struggles or not.
Numbness, he wanted this, didn't he, so why is he fighting-
Silence, interrupted by his own heartbeat.Thud, thud, thud.
Neteyam's heartbeat stopped underneath his palms, his chest fell, and never came back up, was it his fault?
Fear, isolating, dull.
Thud, thud, thud. Darkness.
Terror, thud, thud.
Weight-
Calm, pressure.
Burden, warmth. Warmth?
One two three four, one two three four. Crack-
One two three four- Crack. Gurgling sound, what is it? Id he dead already?
,, Lo’ak!” He didn’t recognize the voice at first. ,, Son, please I see you, I need you, wake up,” He only understood what he was saying but his brain was sabotaging him, not really connecting the dots.
,, My baby boy what have you done.” And suddenly it clicked.
Dad.
It was his dad. How it could be his dad? Was this a memory he did not remember? He would not have been surprised if it was. His life for the past month has been a terror so he had no good memories left, at least he thought he had, while unconsciously trying to dig this memory up it became clear to him that he couldn’t.
,, Lo’ak my boy, my sweet boy.” He heard again.
Dad?
Dad!
,, It’s not your fault, I am sorry, so sorry, If you can hear me, please don’t make me say it by the spirit tree.” Reassurance?
Dad! I am still alive.
,, Go! Ma Jake! His freckles!” He hard his mom.
Mom, mom I am in here. Please help me out...
“Hey, little brother. What are you doing out here?” Lo’ak flinched hard, spinning around too fast, breath already breaking. “Neteyam.” His voice cracked. “Neteyam, I- I do not know what else I am supposed to do. I tried, I swear I tried. I just want him to see me. Just once.”
Neteyam’s smile was easy, warm, like the world had not learned how to hurt yet. “Hey. Slow down.” He stepped closer, careful, gentle. “You are shaking.”
“I cannot stop, I am so cold, In pain.” Lo’ak whispered. His chest felt too tight. “Every time I mess up, it is like he already decided who I am. Like I am always wrong before I even speak, like I was broken just by the looks, demon blood, crazy one- I just wanted him to see me.” Neteyam reached for him, hands firm on his shoulders. “Breathe with me.” In. Out. Again.
“Reckless little warrior,” neteyam whispered with a smile on his face when he saw Lo’ak calming down.
Lo’ak’s breaths stuttered, then slowly followed. His vision steadied. The noise in his head dulled. “There, brother” Neteyam said softly before messing Lo’ak’s hair. “You are not broken. You never were.” Lo’ak swallowed. “Then why does it feel like I am? Why can’t he love me like he loved you? Trust me like he trusted you? Why do I feel like a burden?”
Neteyam did not answer right away. His hands loosened. His smile faded, just a little. “Because you care too much,” he said quietly. “And because you keep trying to carry things that were never meant for you.” For a moment, Lo’ak leaned into him, relief sharp and aching.
Then Neteyam’s hands pressed forward. Not hard. Just enough.
Lo’ak stumbled back, confusion snapping through him. “What-”
Neteyam’s expression turned distant, almost sad. “You cannot stay here,” he said gently. “You have to keep going.”
“Neteyam, wait,” Lo’ak said, panic rushing back. “Do not leave.”
“I am not leaving,” Neteyam replied, already stepping away. Lo’ak tried to grab onto him but he kept on missing.
,, Lo’ak, it was not your fault.” The warmth of Neteyam’s presence was gone, the warmth disappearing with him, leaving Lo’ak alone with his breath, the silence, and the space where his brother had been.
Comfort.
Then a strong wave of power shot through his body.
,, One, two, three recharged!-” He heard Norman.
,, Stoop!” He heard his mother’s voice. It was soul crushing.
Someone forcefully lifted his eyelid and shined with a bright light into his left eye.
With his left hand he smacked it away. ,, Oh great Eywa!” He heard Ronal. ,, Lo’ak.” T’sireya, gagging on her tears in the arms of her father. He felt the pain, sharp pain in his ribs.
He shot up and began to throw up, all that salt water. Someone held him so he wouldn't fall. ,, My boy oh my boy-” Jake wrapped his hands around his little boy making Lo’ak cry out in throbbing stabbing agony.
,, Lie him down Jake I maybe broke few of his ribs.” Norman said in a rush. ,, Whe-” As Lo'ak tried to speak up his throat began to burn.
,, Salt water, two words boy, lie down, you need to rest because what just happened here, is a miracle.” Tonowari said while holding both of his children.