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Dear Mike,
Before I die I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to tell you my whole truth. I know you may think that you know exactly what I’m talking about, but you don’t. I know you know I’m gay, but I’m also in love with you. You're my Tammy.
Let me clarify this for you, because I know you are just confused. You were the one I was talking about when I was telling everyone that I was gay. You’re the one who I have a crush on. Even with everything going on I don’t actually want you as my Tammy.
I feel that you’re the love of my life. You’re not just some hallway crush because I’ve been in love with you for 9 years. I know your secrets. I know you're secretly scared of the dark. I know that you used to wet the bed till you were 6 years old. I know your favorite brand of chips. I know your favorite song. I feel like I know you better than myself. You make up a part of my soul.
I don’t intend for you to say anything back or return my feelings because I don’t want you to be responsible. You’re not responsible for not returning my feelings and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. But I think Robin was wrong. I was confiding in her about my love for you but I don’t think she gets it. She doesn’t get how much my love for you is woven into the very fibers of my being.
You're something that I can’t get out of me because you're Mike. You’re Mike the brave. You’re my Palladian. And I’m your cleric. We’re supposed to protect each other as a team. But I know you won’t be able to protect me this time. And I don’t want you to feel like you failed me because you haven’t. I already have failed myself in that regard.
I don’t know why people say my love is a sin and cruel, because this is the purest I have ever felt. I could repent for an eternity and still never be forgiven because I can’t wash this out of me. I can't wash you out of my system.
I don’t want you to shoulder the pain of the guilt because this is my choice Mike. Not yours. I want one choice that I can make for myself. Because nothing I have ever done was really my choice. I came out to everyone because if I didn’t Vecna would expose it in front of everyone. I can't have anything to myself so I want to choose how I die.
Remember if the body dies the brain dies? Well I realized I’m the brain in this scenario. If I die Vecna dies. If I have to die for all of this to be over then I will gladly do it. Because for once in my life I get a choice to help and not hurt all of you. And I will grasp at any scraps to help you guys because I need to repay everything.
I was the reason that Bob died. I was the reason that the hospital got attacked. I was the reason the tunnels are open. I was controlling the vines. I made it. I’m a monster. I’m responsible for thousands of deaths and if I don’t die I will be responsible for millions.
I don’t have enough time to write letters for everyone I wanted to. You’re the only one I’m writing to because you're the person who is the most special to me. I used to believe that everyone had their own person, but now that I am older I realize that is not true. I am not special to you, at least not in the way I long to be.
I want you to tell my mom and brother how much I love them. Tell them how thankful I am for their support for me and that I am truly sorry for what I am about to do. Tell the party how sorry I am and that I am so grateful for their acceptance and how I will cherish our memories forever. Tell yourself for me that none of this is your fault and that you will always have my whole heart.
You will be the last person I think of as I die and I will forever be grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I am grateful that I’ve experienced this love that I feel for you. I feel like I am being drowned in how I long for you. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but I just wanted you to hear the real truth from me.
Michael Wheeler I love you. I have loved you since I was 4 and you asked me to be your friend, and I think I will forever love you. As you read this I may already be in hell like those people always talk about.
If I am, I guess I will never see you again. And that’s the thing that truly scares me the most. Because I’m truly, deeply, and madly in love with you. As I’m running out of time I will say the words I’ve longed to say to your face for years. I love you Mike Wheeler.
Please move on with your life. Go somewhere far with 3 waterfalls with El, Lucas, Dustin, and Max. Take care of them for me and look out for them. But most importantly look out for yourself. Be safe my Palladian.
~Love, your sorcerer, Will
Dear Will,
It’s been 2 weeks since you’ve been gone. In those 2 weeks I’ve felt like I’ve gone crazy. And I thought we promised each other we would go crazy together?
Well we promised each other many things, but I guess it never happened. I promised myself that I would protect you, but guess where that led us? I read your letter and it absolutely shattered me.
Robin told me everything. After we found out about it she just broke down. She looked me in the eye and pulled me aside as she told me about what you told her. Don’t blame her for telling me your secrets but I think she felt guilty because I let her read your letter. I have my own thoughts on your letter and it’s I don’t want to be your Tammy.
I want to be your own Vickie because I’ve been in love with you for years. I was just too much of a coward to understand what I was really feeling. But it’s already too late isn’t it? You're already gone. And there is nothing I can do about it.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say that I love you. Not loved but love because I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I promise I will never lose sight of what’s right in front of me. If I could get you back I would. I would do anything, I would sacrifice myself, I would sacrifice everyone just to get you back.
You don’t deserve anything that has happened to you. You didn’t deserve to come out not because you wanted to but because Vecna threatened you. You didn’t deserve to get taken that day and I will forever feel guilty for not pulling you back. I just wish I could’ve kissed you before you left. I wish we would’ve had more time together. I wish for so many things but the only thing I really want is you.
I don’t care what anyone says anymore. I’m not afraid of being gay anymore, but I’m sorry you dying is the reason I’m not afraid. This letter is mostly apologies that I wish I could’ve said to your face, but I also want to tell you how loved you are. We weren’t just friends. I’m sorry I lied. I was just trying to be normal.
No one says it to my face but in reality I know everyone blames me for you not being here. I’m the reason you couldn’t stay. Everyone put together who your ‘Tammy’ really was. They also put together who I really am.
Every single day I go on and on thinking about how I could’ve saved you that day. I think about all the missed opportunities I had to talk to you. Just one conversation could have made you crack because I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to be miserable.
Every day I wish we could’ve swapped places. I wished I was the one that died that day because it feels like that anyways. I’m a husk of myself. I don't feel real. Because even though my body is right here I still feel like I died with you that day.
Grief is weird. Most days I want it to go away. But some days I realize this is the punishment I deserve. Because I never want to move on from you. I won’t find someone else who could replace you. You're my cleric and I’ll be damned if someone tries to steal that from you.
I’m the coward who couldn’t face his own damn feelings and decided to take the easy way out by getting a girlfriend to convince myself I didn’t like you. Because my whole life has revolved around you since that day we met on the playground. Because when I go to bed your face comes to my mind first.
I want you to know to not be afraid of hell. Because if you're really going there then I am too. No amount of my repent could ever save me from going to hell because fuck it I want you Will. I want to be with you and if that’s what it takes then I will be with you. You don’t have to be afraid anymore because I will join you. We will be together again after a little while. Because I am like you Will.
I don’t talk much anymore because talking doesn’t feel necessary when you're not around. You always listened even if it was the most boring thing on earth. You were always there for me, even if I wasn’t there for you. I couldn’t even remember your birthday! What kind of best friend am I? A shitty one I’ll tell you that.
I could go on and on about you but I’m running out of tears and have no place left to write. I wanted to tell you that when you were in Lenora I wrote letters to you. But I was too embarrassed to send them because it spilled my feelings to you. If I could go back in time, I would. I would send all those letters and tell you everything. I would break up with El. Hell I would scream to the whole world I was in love with you and let them crucify me for it.
I’ll read this and the rest of my letters to your grave. This is the first time I’m going back since your funeral. I remember your first funeral; it was all about finding you. But the second funeral I can’t even remember all of it.
Most of it is blurring in my mind. I just remember crying all day and all night. I remember seeing your face one last time and collapsing on the floor. I remember how pale and drained of life you looked. I couldn’t handle any of it.
Most of all what I couldn’t handle was knowing you died thinking I didn’t love you. You died thinking about how unloved you were because you were gay.
I’m going to end this letter but William Byers I want you to know that you aren’t alone. I was never your Tammy and I never will be. I’ll be seeing you in hell Will the wise. I love you, my cleric. Be safe for me.
~Love, your palladian, Mike