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Fuck.
The production crate slammed against the wall but there was still something unsatisfying about the sound. It echoed down the hallways but it didn't calm him.
"Fuck!"
Jay slammed the metal chair into a door - the impact vibrating up his arm. The sudden pain in his wrist was a warning that his brain couldn't heed quite yet. He needed to be careful. He knew that. One mistake - one moment of lapsed concentration - and everything would slip away from him again.
Yet hadn't that process already begun?
He'd lost.
Another title match opportunity.
Another pin.
Another failure.
Was this what he had come back for? Was this the point of all of those hours of physical therapy? Of surgery and recovery? Of forcing his body to relearn how to cooperate with him again? Frustration raced through his veins and the way it had been so easy to chase off the rest of the Bang Bang Gang seemed like a portent that he didn't want to think about right now, especially when his mind was filled with all of those old temptations.
Everything was leaking out of him and he needed to let it go and he needed to figure out how to make it stop. His words were his weapon and his downfall and his salvation. They had gained him so much and cost him even more. He had to bleed these feelings away before they triumphed over him.
Jay spotted an exit sign, hanging crookedly after the latest backstage brawl earlier in the night. But he limped closer to the door anyway - his knee still aggravated from the submission that he had defied only to fall to a roll-up. To be outsmarted. All of these months away had dulled his edge and he had to recover it. Quickly. So much had changed in his absence and it wasn't the first time he had wondered if anyone noticed he was gone.
His gang had. And oddly, his name had come out of the dumb cowboy bitch's mouth along with a thank you he had never expected. The acknowledgement had made him preen in his living room as he watched the television alone but seeing a rival earn the title he had been chasing - his destino - had made him sink deeper into his couch with a sigh. Stare at the sling cradling his battered arm and wonder if he would ever be himself again.
He could still remember what it had felt like to have everyone gunning for his head a continent away. To be the focus of attention. But now, Jay was no one. And trying to remind others had proven foolhardy. The Switchblade had never - ever - been a fool but he'd lost a semifinal to a fucking roll-up and he couldn't stop the scream as he pushed the door open.
The frigid winter air stung his bare skin but he couldn't be bothered to care. It was too cold to be outside in a t-shirt and shorts but that couldn't possibly matter. The pain was a comfort in its own way. Sharpening his mind and dulling his emotions. Jay looked up at the night sky - too surrounded by the lights of the arena and the surrounding city for a single star to be seen.
Wishing on a star was a habit he had long since outgrown but it was disappointing in its own way. Maybe he needed some sort of miracle. And maybe even just thinking that was a sign that he was too far gone. That he was already lost for good. Maybe everything really had ended with his exile.
Maybe the cerulean blue mat was the only place that he could have ever belonged.
Sometimes, Jay wondered if those crowds had missed him at all. So many of his own rivals had ended up in AEW and it was as if those ties had been shattered by the change in scenery. Okada had forgotten him. Will Ospreay ignored him. Kenny had easily turned his head away. Hangman regarded him as a mere side quest.
How had the cowboy put it?
He hadn't come out of the war with the Death Riders the same.
Yet Jay wasn't ready to admit that what he lost was something more than a year of his career and unscarred skin. Wasn't ready to give in quite yet.
The cold burned but it reminded him. The distant noises of the city were louder than the screaming in his mind. The stillness of the air calmed the motion of his gestures, even though the temperature made the metal pins holding his left hand together ache beneath his skin.
His physical therapist had lectured him about wearing gloves when the temperature dipped and he really should have listened.
"Hey."
For a moment, Jay assumed that he had heard wrong. But the word was followed up by a nudge against his side and a turn of his head told him that he had heard exactly right.
"Hi, Orange."
Far higher on the list of the dumb cowboy bitch's transgressions than it probably should be was how he had involved himself in his first real interactions with Orange Cassidy. Jay had been looking forward to it more than he probably should be. Orange had delighted him when he had coming banging through the so-called forbidden door to smash Trent into the dirt - maybe now everyone would believe him about Beretta being an asshole - and the idea of more time around Orange Cassidy had been one of the quiet comforts he had had once the reality of his exile had settled in.
But the fucking Hangman had been growly and angry - deliberately antagonizing him and tainting that time with Orange. They had teamed together. Had worked well together. How many people that weren't part of his club or his faction - under his leadership - had ever actually teamed with him? The list was so damn small.
Orange was clever and playful. The right sort of troll who cared more than anyone, even if he tried to hide it. He reminded Jay of someone lost to him but he was still his own person - not a cheap copy. Desirable for his own reasons. Jay took a longer glance at his profile and maybe he just had a type.
Because Orange was just as calming as the icy air.
"It's cold."
His cheeks were red and there was a bandage on his forehead - right at the hairline. There had been two semifinals tonight and Jay had walked out for his match knowing that the outcome he wanted wasn't possible. He wasn't the only loser standing here.
"Then go back inside."
His voice was as gentle as he could make it - the tone rusty with disuse.
A grumble and another nudge of his elbow. And then Jay watched as if it was happening to someone else as Orange lifted his arm and ducked ever-so-slightly underneath it. Weight and warmth pressed against his side and after a long moment, Jay realized that Orange was snuggling against him. Fingers dug just a bit into the fabric of his t-shirt and there was an arm around him too.
His mind understood the position - and could tell him exactly how to counter it in order to send Orange slamming into the ground - but his heart was beating rapidly, trying to catch up and comprehend.
"What in the fuck are you doing?"
Orange somehow shrugged.
"Getting warm."
"You can go inside, Orange. The door is right there. You walked out of it to come out here."
It was easier to be harsh than it was to be soft. Especially when he was so near that ever-present cliff edge.
"Eh."
Orange started shivering and the only thing Jay could do was tighten the grip on him that he was far too aware of and pull him closer. They should both be going inside but he didn't want to move. He wasn't lonely - no matter how much he had refused to acknowledge the word for so many years - and maybe they were both hurting.
And he liked touching Orange like this.
Something sweet and gentle.
But they couldn't stay out here forever and all of the words - those weapons of his - he hadn't gotten a chance to say when they had worked together were taunting him. Reminding him of how easily moments could never come again.
Was his exile supposed to make him braver?
"Are you okay? Should you be outside with that wound on your head?"
Another grumble but Jay liked the way this one seemed to reverberate in the tiny amount of space between them. But Orange shifted - not moving away - until they were chest-to-chest, encircled in each other's arms. Not quite a hug but the world fell away anyway.
Shrunk down to just the two of them and the ache in Orange's blue eyes. Seeing him without his sunglasses on felt like a privilege he hadn't earned. Maybe he would have come out here no matter who else was here but Jay couldn't quite convince himself of it when they were this close.
"My backpack is still empty."
He was lost too. Jay tried to remember what Orange had accomplished after he had returned from his own injury but there was nothing that stood out. Not that he hadn't been happy to see that he had healed but there had been no weight or impact for him either. It made Jay ache and he wondered if Orange would understand how hard it had been to let someone new near the shattered remnants of his heart that knew how to care.
"So is my waist." Orange nodded like he knew and Jay couldn't keep the question to himself. "How did you do it? Return to nothing without falling apart?"
Jay knew the answer he would get. The Conglomeration and the crowds and the joy of it all. The sorts of things that he had too but that couldn't sustain him. A fuel that couldn't last. Not for how broken he was.
But Orange's eyes slipped closed like his eyelids were too heavy and his head fell against the crook of Jay's neck like he didn't want to hold it up any longer. His hand reached up and touched the back of his head through an instinct that he hadn't known he still possessed. Soft hair and even more warmth. He wished that he had used his other hand - he still didn't quite trust these fingers like he wanted to. Like he needed to.
"It burns, Jay."
Oh.
Cheers and friendship yet Orange was bleeding too.
Tonight had been another opportunity for both of them and they had both failed. Another loss on top of another. Rehab and agony that had been fruitless. Even if neither of them were alone, they were both hurting. They were truly hugging each other now and his mind was doing its best to memorize every sensation. How Orange felt in his arms and what it felt like to be held in return. Jay had no idea how to comfort him other than this and even that was almost a falsehood. He didn't know how to fix something for him that he had never known how to fix for himself.
"Me too." But he could ask. "Is there something else I can do for you?"
Orange lifted his head so they were looking into one another's eyes - so much closer now - but Jay didn't let his hand fall away. Cupped the base of his head, stubborn fingers brushing his neck.
Would Orange laugh at him if he told him how long it had been since a moment had felt as intimate as this one?
"A kiss."
"A what?"
Jay knew exactly what Orange had said but it didn't make any sense. How was a kiss from him supposed to help him feel better? It was already a stretch of the imagination that this embrace was doing Orange any good - even if he felt more like himself than he had in too long.
"I… uh…" That flush on his cheeks had to be from the cold and Jay wondered exactly when it had started snowing as he watched a flake land on his reddened skin. "... I've wanted to kiss you since you said I could put my pistol in your holster."
That sounded exactly like the usual slightly unhinged things he said when he was flirting with someone near a ring. But no one ever cared about that. He had whispered absolute filth into Will Ospreay's ear during the first casino gauntlet match and the man had never even given him the courtesy of a hip thrust in response.
But there was something off.
"I said that to you at Worlds End and afterwards you trounced off to go play with the dumb cowboy bitch. Forgot all about me and said he was your priority. So you'll have to excuse me if…"
Orange's lips were a little cold.
Just the quickest of kisses yet somehow still so very soft. Orange pulled back and Jay had completely forgotten how to form words. There was a tiny little smirk on his face like he knew that and it was charming.
"... you flirted with him too…"
There was an implication there that Jay couldn't quite understand. His very impressive intelligence wasn't quite up to par when it came to parsing that. Because it implied that Orange had gone after Hangman in jealousy.
"Did you try to take out your competition for my affections, Mr. Cassidy?"
Another shrug but there was something bashful about it. More snowflakes were falling - sticking to Orange's hair for a moment before melting away.
"Yeah."
Jay hoped his lips were slightly warmer than Orange's but he doubted it. But it didn't matter. Their mouths moved together with all of the warmth that he actually needed. It had been a long time since he had kissed anyone but he hoped that Orange couldn't tell. Maybe one day he would tell him himself. It was easy to kiss him, though. Like that quiet comfort had lingered there for all of this time and waited for him to actually do something.
Orange's hand found its way to the back of his neck and Jay wondered what it would feel like to have his fingers in his hair. This was just a tease of it and anticipation curled in his belly - and for once, he didn't tell himself that it was pointless. They pulled apart but Jay immediately wanted another kiss and the soft smile on that face told him that he wasn't alone.
"Just for the record… I was only trying to get a rise out of him to throw him off. The cowboy isn't my type." A snowflake landed on the tip of his nose so Jay indulged himself and kissed it away. "You are."
It felt like too much vulnerability for such a night but they had both been bleeding from the inside out and maybe it could all be okay someday.
"Ditto."
Years upon years of being forgotten… of only being visible when he was hollering or falling apart… echoed through his heart. Bounced off damaged walls and made him doubt. But Orange's eyes widened just enough for Jay to know that his expression had given something away. He opened his mouth to use that weapon of his but Orange just rolled his eyes and grabbed at him.
Arms locked around his neck as Orange lifted himself up and wrapped his legs around his waist. Jay staggered for a moment as his sense of balance got thrown off but he adjusted - holding Orange in return. His muscles wanted to rebel but maybe the point of all of that rehab and recovery was so he could stay upright after Orange climbed him like a tree.
Orange's kiss was more insistent this time and Jay felt like he was scrambling to keep up. He was being devoured and it was great but he hated feeling like he was on the back foot. A squeeze of his butt made Orange moan against his mouth and that was much better. It was too cold to turn and press him up against the wall so they could rub together with a bit more friction but it was very - very - tempting.
The last time he had been this turned on had involved being whipped with a belt and maybe the two of them needed to have a conversation about such things later. This was certainly a good way to help him stop tearing himself to shreds and from the noises Orange was making, he was feeling better too.
They both needed to find their way back to relevance but not tonight.
"There you are!"
Jay could only smirk at the way Orange slowly turned his head and very pointedly refused to let go. Willow was standing there with one hand on her hip and the other holding Harley's hand. But they both looked somehow devious and concerned at the same time.
"Orange and Switchblade sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…"
No one had ever sung about him kissing before and Jay smiled at Harley, briefly gesturing for her to keep singing before putting his hand back on Orange's butt. But Willow looked deeply unimpressed with him for some reason.
He was usually very impressive.
"Jay, your boys have been looking everywhere for you." Willow turned her attention to Orange. "And you…" She had a very ominous finger point. "... you took off without telling any of us that you were leaving."
Orange climbed down - looking bashful again - and Jay immediately missed the feel of him being so close. But his boys had been looking for him and there was warmth in that too. He could trust them. They liked him. He didn't have to push them away.
"We are having a Conglomeration Slumber Party with Gang Bang Gang!" Willow leaned over and kissed Harley's cheek at her clear enthusiasm but no one bothered to correct her on the name. "And you two are invited! Hot cocoa and snuggling under blankets."
"But no hanky-panky under the covers."
Willow was pointing at both of them now and Jay felt the urge to hide behind Orange.
"Awww…" Harley was pouting. "There go my plans for the rest of the night."
Austin had started to explain to him that Willow and Harley had started dating while he was gone but Jay had been able to proudly inform him that he had figured that out all on his own.
"Oh no… we get to do hanky-panky." The look on Willow's face would have scared Minoru Suzuki himself. "They scared everyone so they don't get to. Or there will be consequences, gentlemen."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yeah."
Willow's smile was devious again as if she knew that she was going to break his mind in mere seconds.
"Tumblr has a few shipnames for you two but we can workshop something at the party."
The two of them started to walk back toward the door and Jay found himself following without ever telling his legs to move. But he still whispered a question to Orange.
"Do you know what tumblr is… or a shipname?"
Orange started to smirk and Jay was delighted all over again.
"Ask Jack Perry."
That made little sense but Jay would think about it later.
Orange slipped his hand into his scarred one, leading him back inside.
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