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The morning rays of the sun beat into Clarke’s closed eyes. She groaned and turned to see if Lexa was also awake, but she wasn’t in the bed next to her. Clarke sat up and saw her lover already dressed, standing at the window in full armor. She wrapped the sheet around her and joined her lover.
“Come back to bed,” she whispered, massaging Lexa’s shoulders gently.
Lexa didn’t say anything.
“Come back to bed with me.”
“My people need to be safe, Klark.”
“And they are. Kane and my mother will make sure of that.” Clarke tucked her face into Lexa’s neck, pulling the hair away and kissing there. One of Lexa’s hands came to meet Clarke’s on her shoulder. She guided them away from the window back to the bed.
Clarke let herself fall onto the bed. She untucked the fabric that was holding the sheet in place to tempt her into doing what she wanted, but the Commander held it up around her, informing Clarke about modesty. Clarke humphed and settled for accepting Lexa’s kiss that she offered in consolation.
She stood up again at the contact to deepen it, pushing Lexa’s hands away so she would let go of the sheet for good. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. Suddenly Clarke felt very exposed against her rough textured outfit, and she stopped the kiss, putting a hand on her lover’s chest.
“What is it?” Lexa asked, concerned.
“You’re not you when you’re wearing this armor.”
“Clarke, what are you talking about?”
“I can tell how much you need me, how much you want me, when we’re in bed at night. But as soon as we wake up it’s like we’ve taken five steps back.”
“I love you. You know that.”
“I think I do, but I don’t always know for sure.” She went over to where her clothes were and started to get dressed. “Your touch always feels so tender, so loving. And then the sun comes up and suddenly you can’t look me in the eye without feeling ashamed of yourself.”
“I am not ashamed, I am the Commander. I must harden myself in front of my people.”
“And am I just one of your people to you?”
“No, you are not. Klark kom Skaikru, you are much more than that to me.”
“Then make me feel like it. Show me.”
Lexa raised her hands to remove her armor but was stopped by Clarke’s hard demand for her to stop, to keep it on.
“I need to know you love me, with or without the armor. You can’t wear it to protect your feelings, you have no control over those. You can’t just strap it on and have it all vanish. Because even though it’s on and you wear that mask of indifference on your face, I’m still here, soft and exposed. I don’t know how to do that. So I’m left to wonder if this is all real, if you really love me after all.” Clarke bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling, but she couldn’t stop the furious tears that rolled uncontrollably down her face.
To push all of her feelings down was exactly what she wanted to do. She was Lexa of the Woods, the Commander of Trikru. It was what she was supposed to do, but now all of her suppressed feelings her bubbling up to the surface and it took everything Lexa had to maintain that blank stare Clarke accredited her for.
“Maybe it’s all I know how to do,” she finally whispered. “I was trained at a young age to conceal, not feel. I never learned how to wear it on my sleeve.” She took two steps towards Clarke, but Clarke took that many back.
“I won’t be back until I can see that you love me without saying it. Outside of bed, with our clothes on. Especially your armor.”
Lexa watched Clarke push through the double doors and disappear. Then, not even the fact that her armor was still on could stop her from collapsing onto the bed with her fists clenched to stop the amount of emotion emitting from the sobs that were wracking through her entire body.