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It's just after midnight on Christmas when Buck's so restless he needs to get out of the house. He goes for a walk around his new neighborhood, lit up with tons of Christmas lights and decorations. His own house looks dark and pale in comparison. He didn't really have time to decorate, and, to be honest, he just wasn't in the mood for it, after everything that's happened this year.
He just feels… lonely. Well, it's not just that. He misses a very specific someone, and he really shouldn't, it's been months, he should've moved on by now. Tommy probably forgot all about him already.
Still, he can't help but wonder what if.
What if they never broke up and he and Tommy would be getting a tree and decorating it together this year?
What if he didn't say the wrong thing and he and Tommy would go pick out gifts for each other, and gifts for their friends and family that'd be from both of them?
What if everything didn't get screwed up, especially after Bobby died, and he and Tommy would be in the kitchen making a Christmas meal, laughing and kissing, and listening to music?
What if he and Tommy could be happy, together, spending Christmas Eve on the couch while drinking hot cocoa and watching one of Tommy's favorite movies?
God, he yearns for a life he lost a few months ago. A life he threw away, not meaning to. A life he barely got a taste of, but wanted so much more. And tonight he can't help but wonder about all the what-ifs, maybes, could've-beens. He can't help it. It's the holidays. All his friends have their own families, their own lives, and sure, he's part of it in some way, but not like he wants to. He wants his own person to share a house with, to share a life with, to share a family with. And after so much time, after trying and failing to move on with other people, he's more sure than ever that he wants this person to be Tommy. God, he can't believe how badly he screwed it up.
He stops in front of a cozy-looking house, dripping in warm lights, a lit-up snowman decoration on the front lawn, a Santa on the roof. He can imagine way too easily doing something similar to his own house. He and Tommy going shopping for all the decorations, planning out what to put where, working together to put it all up, make a whole day out of it. Fuck, he really needs to let it go, he can't keep imagining his future involving Tommy, when he's way in the past.
He's not really thinking about it when he pulls out his phone out of his pocket and automatically searches Tommy's contact. He only realizes what he's doing after the third beep, and he wants to immediately hang up, pretend he didn't just call his ex, maybe block his number before he could call back, if he even would, just do something to avoid embarrassment, but then-
"Evan?" Tommy's confused, and slightly concerned, voice sounds on the other side. Buck's heart is pounding.
"Uh, hi," Buck responds quietly, "I- I didn't think you'd pick up," he adds, shaking his head as he continues walking down the street, towards more colorful houses.
"Evan, you know I'll always pick up when you call," Tommy's voice sounds way too earnest, and Buck's eyes sting. "Is something wrong? Do you need another illegal helicopter rescue? Because I'm off duty tonight, but I could-"
"No, no, Tommy," Buck interrupts, frowning. Why would Tommy assume that the only reason he'd call was that he's in trouble? Well, if he thought about it for a second… "Is that- is that the only reason I call you? When I need help?"
"Didn't use to be," Buck swears he can almost hear the faux-nonchalant shrug. "You're not the only one, though, don't worry. I like to be useful." Tommy chuckles, but there's something strained about it. Buck's frown deepens. Tommy can't think that the only reason anyone would call him is to ask for help. Right? "Anyway, if you're not in trouble, what's up?"
"I don't know." Buck says with a frustrated sigh. "Sorry, this is- it's late, you're probably busy or tired, I just- I don't know," he repeats, stops, leans against a random fence, and closes his eyes for a second. "I guess I just needed to hear your voice," he says quietly, rushed, not really wanting to admit it, but wanting to be honest. For once, he just needs to say exactly what he thinks, without twisting it into something insane, like what he said last time. "I know I have no right anymore, but I- I miss you, Tommy."
"Evan," Tommy sighs heavily, something pained in his voice. "Please, I can't do this."
"Right." Buck swallows around a lump in his throat, tears threatening to spill. "Sorry, you- you probably moved on already, and here I am, still stuck on you, I- I'm so sorry, I don't know what I'm doing."
"God, no, that's not it at all. I wish I could move on." Tommy rushes to add before Buck can hang up. His words ignite a goddamn spark of hope in Buck's chest, and he's not sure that's a good thing. "I- you're stuck on me?"
"This conversations is not going how I imagined it would. Well, I wasn't planning to call at all, but I imagined what I'd say if I had the chance and this… this isn't it." Buck laughs, starts walking again.
"How did you imagine it?" Tommy asks softly. There's some rustling on his end, like he's getting comfortable under a blanket.
"Well, for starters, I'd have some semblance of an apology speech prepared. Uh, I have a bullet-point list at home. Of all the things I need to say. Or, more like topics I need to broach. In order of importance. I just can't recall what the hell I wrote on there right now," he admits, and hears the most delicious sound of Tommy's fond laughter.
"God, that's the most you thing I've ever heard." He says that in the tone he usually used when he called Buck adorable, and Buck's heart aches.
"Yeah, well, I think it started with an apology. For how I handled stuff. For everything I said. I'm not sure what possessed me to say it like that, but that's not what I meant at all," once the words are out of his mouth, he thinks maybe he should specify what exactly he's talking about. Then again, Tommy will probably know. Tommy always knows what he means.
"No apology necessary. It's not all on you, I know I have my own shit that definitely contributed to how it all went down," Tommy swallows audibly. "Besides, you feel how you feel, you can't help that," his voice is strained again, forced casualness. He hides it well, but Buck knows him better than that now, even after all this time apart.
"That's just the thing, that's not how I- Tommy, I said it all wrong. Can we meet and talk face to face? I wanna look you in the eyes when I say it." He's just now realizing this, but he really needs to explain everything to Tommy, see his face, make him believe he's being honest. He needs to tell him there's never been any other man he had feelings for, and there likely won't be, because Tommy- Tommy is the one. And if Buck screwed that up forever, that's the worst thing that'd ever happen to him. But if there's even a chance they can somehow fix this, clean the slate, start over…
"Evan-"
"No expectations, no pressure. I just want to clear the air. What are you doing tomorrow? Or right now?"
"Right now I'm on the couch watching It's a Wonderful Life, and drinking a beer. A family tradition," he says dryly. "And tomorrow I'm working. But, Evan, I'm not sure there's much to say-"
"There is." Buck insists. "Please, just hear me out. Please."
There's a moment of silence, which stretches way too long. Finally, Tommy sighs and curses under his breath. Buck can't help a smile. This is exactly what he always did before he said 'dammit, you know I can't ever say no to you' with the fondest look in his eyes.
"Why'd you call me tonight of all nights?" Tommy asks instead of agreeing, though. "I mean, it's been months. Why now?"
"A couple reasons." Buck shrugs, even though Tommy can't see him. "First, uh, a lot happened since that night. I couldn't really, you know, think about my love life when-" he had to pause and take a breath. It still didn't feel real.
"Right. I'm so sorry about Bobby," he says, quiet, but so earnest, and Buck wants to cry. Tommy's said that before, at the funeral, and Buck almost jumped into his arms. He would give anything to get enveloped in them right now. To have them support him through it all, all those months he's felt so alone, grieving Bobby technically with his whole family, but really feeling all alone.
"Yeah, me too," he says, voice thick. He clears his throat, getting back on track. "And, uh, another thing is gonna sound so silly, but- Maddie asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for Christmas, and-" he laughs before the words escape him. God, he's ridiculous and embarrassing. But this is Tommy, so he doesn't care. He's already seen him at his worst, and he still found him adorable and worthy of dating afterwards. "And all I could think to say was, well, you, Tommy. All I want, for Christmas and ever, is you. And I've known that for a while, I didn't just realize this, I promise, I was just so scared. And I- Tonight I was sitting at home and thinking that we should be spending our first Christmas together, decorating together, cooking and shopping for presents, and getting into stupid arguments about ornaments and traditions, and I- I miss you so much, and I want a life with you. A whole lifetime of us. And even if I don't get that, if you decided that you don't want me, I still want to clear the air and explain all the dumbass things I said. Please."
"Evan." Tommy's voice sounds raspy, choked up. Like he's about to cry. "God, you just- you have no idea how adorable you are, do you?" he chuckles quietly. "I lost all hope that you'd still want me, and here you are-"
"Tommy," Buck says when Tommy cuts himself off. "I can be at your place in twenty minutes."
"Shit, fine." Tommy laughs, a little disbelieving. Buck's heart beats faster. He gets it. He's not sure how they got there, how he went from being miserable about Tommy to having some sort of chance at reconciliation within just a few minutes, but here they are. "I'll be waiting. Let's finally talk."
Buck sprints back home to get into his car. He has the most important conversation of his life ahead of him, and he can't screw this up, not this time. He's determined to make it work. Calling Tommy tonight was a risk, and going over to talk to him might be an even bigger one, but if it goes well… Maybe next year Christmas will be just what he dreams of.