Chapter Text
It was snowing all around for straight days and months. It felt as if everything was caught in a loop, both cyclic and cynical. Life was drifting further and further away and no one was questioning anything. The city had no soul as it was just a remain of the catastrophic world war. War was over but people were still fighting with themselves, with their lives, with their routines. The air was heavy as if the horror has never left the sight. The once full of warmth harmonious city London has lost all its charm, feels like it has neither soul nor life to sustain.
Susan wondered when things had started to change. Was it like since the beginning of the war or after she left her home? She doesn't know if she deserved to call it her home. She knew she had loved that place more than anything. The breeze that used to tickle her nose, the river that used to welcome as her as its own, the flowers, the grass, her little friends and her dear families, oh she was full of life there. But one can't reach happiness if they never feel content. Did she ever feel content there? She was terrified, afraid that the only thing she loves, the most wouldn't be real when she wakes up one day. She felt her happiness came with a deal as if she was never meant to enjoy the life she had here. It was harder to stay than to leave. It was easier for other to say The Gentle Queen of Narnia left beacause she was no longer a friend of Narnia. She is aware that she doesn't believe strongly like Lucy does nor protects like Peter does. But she had her own way of loving it. How could they understand it ? It was easier for them to say she doesn't believe in magic, that she was invested in frivolous materalistic things. Her way of loving was discarded by them at last. They would never understand her.
Susan was practical, she knew she has to fight tooth and nail to earn a living here. London never goes easy on anyone. She completed her law degrees and withhold her liscense to practice law. Her routine was simple- wake, go work, sleep, wake and go on and on. Susan never felt the need to be happy as long as she is indulging herself in some kind of work. She has a pet cat too- Cissa. Susan has her friend Gina, her childhood friend whom now happens to share the same workplace with her. It felt nice having someone around. Nevertheless, she always has to hear her constant nagging about not daiting someone. The thing is she couldn't forgot the memory she once shared with someone.
''Susan, I'm afraid if you're just zoning out or in another dimension''.
''God, Gina. You scared me.'' She seems genuinely concerned for me. How long I've been staring at nothing ??
''Oh c'mmon you made me worried for a minute. I see you haven't typed anything in the last 10 minutes. Also you're constantly sliding your index finger which definitely means something is taking up your mind. Now tell me Susan, are you fine?''
''Yess Gina, yess i'm good. 10/10 again for your incredibly close observations. Will you believe me if I said I was just feeling the table.''
''Can we not drift the topic. So, tell me what's on your mind? Don't feed me the bullshit saying it's work, no it's not I know. ''
''No, Gina. Its not about work. I was thinking nothing in particular. ''
''Thinking is good for brain and so is dating.'' AGAINNN. '' Gina-''
''Susan, listen before you say anything. Even science tells that dating release happy hormones in our body and makes us feel good. You can't go against that.''
'' Bold of you to assume that I'd be happy while dating.'' I don't know where that came from.
''My darling, Susan that's because you haven't found the right guy yet.''
''Let's forget dating. We should go downstairs and eat something.'' I shrugged my shoulder casually hoping Gina will eat this up.
Gina rolled her eyes and did that upside smile. '' Okay okay if you say so.''
She happily took my hand and we went swinging by.
It was 8 PM quite late for Susan when she reached her home. Her Cissa was sleeping at the corner. She wasn't in the state to cook dinner. Thank god, she doesn't have someone to cook for. She can't tell how many days she can go thinking she is fine. She ask herself if there was any warmth waiting for her in this life. Susan sees herself going far away from this city maybe at the slope somewhere there is sun everyday. But for now, the moon is there for her.
The sun and moon knows everything. It is the only truth in the universe. These perpetual fundamental things must understood what Harry had felt. He fought the war he didn't ask for. He lost his found families, his home, his only sanctuary. Every ruin is a constant reminder of what he have been through. No. no.no.no. He can't face this, it's easier to die by crucio than this.
''Harry''. His name came to him in a way it made his whole body ache. Hermione was there as much as he wish she wasn't here. He knew what was coming. He was guilty and afraid but he can't live this way. He was dead either way after the war ended. He must have turned to her at some point.
'' Harry, run away please. Go far away from here. You have done what you had to do.You did enough. This time it is for you, save yourself.’’
He doesn’t want to hear this words. He can’t imagine a life outside hogwarts. He had always wonder a life without Voldemort. He’d have been a Auror alongside Ron, what a life they would have lived. Life creates funny ways to surprise him. This was the most funniest.
‘’Hermione, how can I? You tell me how can I.’’
‘’Harry, I know you will try. You will regret if you stay here. Hogwarts will destroy whatever is left inside you. Please save that. Hold into that thing very dearly. Protect yourself, Harry.’’
‘’I don’t whether to cry or laugh at this absurdity.’’ He must have gone insane.
‘’Hermione, I don’t know anything. Without Hogwarts there is nothing. There is no harry outside hogwarts.‘’
‘’ Harry, I beg you. Please. You have the will to live. Don’t waste it. This world will eat you alive. You can’t survive this. Think of your mom and dad, Harry. Go live the life they always wanted you to live.’’
No matter how many times he tried to deny Hermione words, he knows deep down they all were true. He understands there is no life neither inside nor outside of Hogwarts. For his mom and dad, he have to. He will live, survive. He will live the life he fought for. He will see the life his friends died chasing for.
‘’We talked about how this day will come one day. Here is the day, Hermione. I feel completely drained. It's easier to believe I have died beside the dark lord. I don't know how will I do without all of you. I will miss you Hermione. I hope at some point we will come across and be happy as we were before.’’
‘’ We all will be happy as we deserve. Promise me you will never stop fighting, Harry. Never stop searching.''
''I promise, Hermione. I will try for all of us, you, me, our friends and hogwarts.'' Harry doesn't know till when he can try to live.
''It pains me deeply to say this but goodbye Harry’’ Harry realizes that moment that he can fight all the hurt in this world but can never survive Hermione's sobs.
''Don't cry, Hermione. I can't leave you if you don't spare me a smile.''
Harry looked at her for the final time, she was happy for him, proud of how far he came. He felt the same for her. He knew it was time now.
It has been years since Harry settled in London. Out of all places in his homeland, he felt London is where he can only survive. He thought living near the woods but immediately rejected it. The voice inside him will never heal and he decided to numb the griefs, remain completely unknown and left alone. London will not judge his past. Since he first came here, everything was uncertain. He had enormous amount of money left in his vault so he kept few thousands of dollars and remaining gave it to the one in needs. Here, the boredom was worse than any curse. He couldn't escpae his past, the nightmares, all his traumas were tormenting him again and again. When he couldn't sleep at night, he'd wake up and write something in the paper. It really helped him, made him aware and calmed his mind.
Harry didn't feel like a outsider in London. Everybody here was suffering the after calamities of war. He relate to the city. This city now is nothing like how Hermione used to say. Harry was beginning to form a bond with the city. He wanted to do something here. He made up his mind to write something he had been through, for himself and this place. He never slept much. He wrote instead. He wrote day and night like he needed it to survive. He poured what he was feeling everything on a piece of paper. Harry believed what Anne said was absolutely correct.
''Paper has more patience than people.''
''Are we dead?'' by Lupin. He wrote and published that one under the name Lupin anonymously. He didn't want to leave a footprint of whatever he did after his death. Isolation was his peace now. Well his books didn't make numbers at the first year. People were afraid to read the truth. They didn't want to jump into that pool which they have never recovered. But in the 2nd year, his books were the talk of the town. The courage beat the fear. No one talked about his book in the public but every bookshelf in the house had his book. The local papers were praising his works. Harry read the reviews often. Some of them mentioned they felt seen that there is another person like them going through the distress, guilt and moving on with their life. He did write several books after and he was still people's favourites.
The nightmares didn't leave Harry. No matter how many pills he took, he couldn't sleep. He couldn't escape from that very place. He could pretend that he was leading a new life here but he was barely holding himself. The guilt of leaving was everwhere. It was like a physical weight pushing heavily on his chest. His life had lost all of its purpose but he knew he have to live for his loved ones.
Susan’s office was nearly empty. The fluorescent lights buzzed softly above, casting long, harsh shadows across stacks of papers and law books. She kept her desk meticulously organized, as if neatness could anchor her against the chaos of the world outside. Most people had left hours ago, but Susan liked it this way. The silence suited her. She had enough talking for day.
She was at the height of her career now. Clients trusted her judgment, senior partners respected her insight and she had built a reputation that made her name carry weight in the courtroom. Yet she rarely lingered in the office after hours for recognition. Most nights, she stayed late to avoid the social obligations she didn’t want to navigate preferring the quiet hum of the city through her window. She worked late every night now. Not because she had to though the cases were demanding but because staying late let her avoid the social obligations she didn’t want. Her colleagues assumed she was dedicated, ambitious and career driven. It was easier to be known for competence than to be seen as a girl who had left her home behind and carried the weight of it quietly.
Her small apartment awaited her after hours, a simple space with just enough warmth to keep her comfortable. Her cat, Cissa, curled at the corner of the sofa, eyes half-closed in lazy approval. Susan rarely allowed herself to linger there; she moved from desk to subway to apartment like a ghost in the city.
Tonight, though, she had a book in her hand. Gina gifted her but it'd be a lie to say it didn't catch her eye when she was surfing the local libraby. The book was ''Are We Dead?''. She had read it once yesterday but the words still made her chest ache in a way she didn’t fully understand. It was as if someone had reached inside her mind and mapped every private thought she never voiced. She hated the vulnerability of it, but she couldn’t stop.
“She writes like she knows what it’s like to be unseen,” she whispered to herself, turning the page. No, not writes. ''He'' She corrected herself. The author’s pen name was Lupin. Cute.
Susan glanced at the clock. Midnight. But the city felt lighter at night, almost bearable, when the streets hummed with distant cars and the occasional footsteps of night wanderers.
She closed the book gently, tracing the embossed letters of the title with her finger. Lupin was right: paper had more patience than people. Sleep was slowly consuming her and it was a bearable funny cold there.
''How could you leave us. You imbecile traitor.''
''We loved you thought you were one of us. You betray us. DIE. DIE. DIE .DIE''
''All of us fought for you and you left us. dying. unwanted, u made us feel.''
''Hell will be a heaven for you. May the cruelest pain choose. When deadth finds you, may you be the most miserable and pathetic mankind has ever seen''
Harry violently jerked off from his study table. This has been like a routine for several days. This past days his nightmares were different. It feels they are interconnected to someone. There are animals talking, cursing him. Also different faces were there, they were judging him. Strange kind of digusted- hurt could be seen in those distant eyes. Everything was blurry, blurry. He thought maybe it is due to the psychological stress.
At the same state, Susan shrieked a loud cry. What was that? Precisely, who were they? Nightmares weren't new things to Susan. It was daily routine to her. But today it was different than the rest, much more cruel. Snakes, trolls do they even exist? From where she came from, that might be possible. There were people whom she has never seen. Ugly kind of people with no head, no nose and maybe heartless. Her nightmares were reaching flow state now. Is her work that tedious that she begun to create new faces and imagine different haunting creatures?
Whatever was that, it was very harsh for Harry.
Whatever was that, it was very cruel towards Susan.
Susan fed her Cissa first. '' Cissy, are you angry with me? I know I've not spend time with you. Mamma is bad, very bad. You're the only thing I have, Cissa.''
Cissa may have sensed her sadness, it immediately snuggled on her neck.
''Oh, cissy, you love me that muchh. My baby.'' Susan could not bear to leave Cissa.
Susan left her apartment early in the morning for her office. She doesn't have much to do in office today. Just sorting out some files. That means lots of freetime and her thoughts will again make her go spiral. Susan realizes that her brain maybe is protesting against the work load. She came to a conclusion to emerge herself in a new sorrounding thinking that will make her mind refresh. Maybe that will tear out the wild images that she had been seeing for the past few days.
Susan went to her home early today then prepared the food for her cat and took a warm bath. She considered the option of inviting Gina too but quickly declined it considering Gina would literally inscribed this day as '' The most golden day in history.''
She took her coat, purse some money and went to the nearest bar. Why did she pick a bar? A park would defenitely be a better option. She ordered a bellini as that was the one with the least alcohol percentage in the menu. She doesn't want to deal with hangover tommorrow. The thump of a music was slowly fading in the background. Bellini wasn't upto her taste but it did make her feel light. She isn't sure she did right or wrong by coming here. Few people approached her but she wasn't in the mood to communicate. If Gina was here, she would try to match her with 100s of them. She was lookin' how people were dancing in their own world. There were some drinking without a care in the world. She was gulping her drinks straight 2 shots. She saw someone with a book and the pen in their hand. Was he doodling? Absurd things, aren't they? He has nice hair tho and his eyes looks swollen and sunken. Her eyes might also look like that. She saw he was standing and walking towards her.
''Did he saw I was looking at him? Susan brace yourself for a new convo !!'' '' Omg what should I do?? I should drink now'' She saw her drink was already finished.
''One zombie'' '' Bellini again, please'' They said in union.
He was for a drink. I seriously thought he caught me staring. Awkward, very much. The bartender prepared her drink then gave zombie to the guy. She gulped it down. The guy looked at her drink, scoffed and went back to his seat. What the fuck.
Susan was really angry, she was fuming by the way. She just get scoffed. Nobody has ever scoffed and that was extermely rude. It was her first time too drinking bellini. Was it a bad drink in market?
''Ma'am, it's better not to gulp the cocktail. Bellini is peach, bubbles and if you gulp, it will be fizzy nothing. And sometimes it raise medical concerns too.'' The bartender spoke sensing her confusion.
''Thank you.'' Susan felt she must thank him from repeating those again.
But really did that guy had to scoff. Susan felt humiliated. He could have warned her. He was a jerk that's why. As the night was reaching it's peak, she packed her purse, tipped the bartender and went to home. She didn't feel tipsy or anything. A book was placed at the nightstand of her bed. She turned over the pages and completely immersed in that. While reading Susan felt that Lupin deserves his London's most favourite title. She is not a literary critique but his words felt simple to understand, real and comforting.
Harry couldn't escape those looks of peoples. That was stressing him much more. He thought maybe going to the bar, change to his sorrounding will help him write new ideas. But no. He has been scribling the same word for the last 40 minutes thinking why they were in his dreams. He shouldn't have came here. He was now hyperaware of his sorrounding. People were moving hurridely beside him. He also noticed he hasn't ordered a single drink tonight. Why not get wasted? He went to the table and ordered a zombie. The girl beside him ordered bellini at the same time. The bartender prepared her drink and she gulped it down. WHATT??
Who gulps a cocktail. Never in his life he seen this strange thing. And mind you, he lived a very strange life. He just scoffed and went back to his seat. He thought she must be very drunk to do that. He finished his drinks and went to his apt afterwards.
Who knew weekends were the most horrible days for Susan? She hated holidays. There was nothing to do today, so she decided to visit at the local libraby. Susan had always been fond of reading books. Fairy tales and romance used to keep her engaged, but nowadays she felt those genres were highly contrasting to her life. Also, ironic from where she came from.
The local library opened early in the morning.
She carried another one of Lupin’s books. She did not examine the title. She never did. His name alone was enough to justify the weight of it in her hands.
Her thoughts halted when she turned away from the shelves. The same guy from the bar stood there. He was looking at the book she was holding. She felt a sharp sense of Déjà vu in her chest.
The guy squinted with a questioning look on his face and abruptly, annoyingly asked her, '' How do you even find that book interesting?? ''
Susan was really offended. This guy had a problem with everything she chose to exist with. She formed the impression that he was annoying and it would be a waste of her time talking to him.
''I don't think we are familiar enough to be accquainted. '' She replied coldly.
Before he could scoff at her again, she turned and walked away.
Susan no longer felt like reading. She left the library with the book clutched to her chest, went straight home, and shut herself inside her room.
Harry had been at the library that morning. He noticed someone picking up his newly released book. He rarely approached readers to ask what they thought of his work, but he was in a strangely good mood. On impulse, he stepped closer and asked how she could possibly find the book interesting, thinking it wouldn't hurt to be funny once in a blue moon.
It wasn't.
The girl sharply dismissed him telling they weren't familiar enough to ask questions. He had only been trying to be polite, and yet she looked at him like he had insulted her. That was exactly why he avoided social interactions. As she walked away, he found that she looked oddly familar to someone. He couldn't pinpoint the exact thing.