Chapter Text
Today was the day.
Jax wasn’t sure why he was nervous, nervous to finally be told his real name. Or was it nerves? He couldn’t quite place the origin of this feeling. Maybe, deep down, he knew this was a terrible idea. Knew that finding out his name would bring upon him other unpleasant yet unnamable feelings. But it wasn’t like he had much of a choice. He’d pushed it off long enough, to the point he was the last one left. Everyone else knew their names by now, sharing them amongst themselves like jellies on a school trip. Jax had watched from afar. He wouldn’t want to ruin the moment.
The walk to Caines office was different than last time: a simple door leading to a long hallway bringing him right to the door instead of that acid trip of a slide. The walk itself was similar: panic rising in his chest, a familiar sense of fear itching at his skin. His overalls suddenly felt too tight on his shoulders, suddenly aware of every inch of fabric his skin touched. It was horrible, but the sooner he was able to get his name, the sooner he could leave for his room again…right? It would go exactly as everyone else said: enter the office, talk with Caine for a bit about life on earth, a name drop, leave. That's about it. It would all be fine and go exactly as planned out in his head…right…?
As he reached the office, he placed a gloved hand on the door - two toned, red and blue, large and menacing -taking a deep breath before pushing the red side of the door in. It was lighter than expected, but then again, was Caine even aware of how weight worked on Earth? Jax followed that train of thought, trying to distract himself from the impending doom that lingered in the room. Eventually, he could distract himself no more, as Caines voice pierced through any diversions that he might’ve been trying to hold onto.
“Ah Jax! The final member!” His enthusiasm echoed loudly through the office, and Jax wondered how much everyone else could hear, feeling the nerves creep up again. Caine stopped his train of thought again, this time his voice boomed far less as he floated down into a desk chair. “Take a seat, Jax.” Caine busied himself with pieces of paper that Jax just knew had nothing - or jibberish - on it, so Jax simply sighed and made his way over to the desk. Suddenly, a small chair spawned in, forcing itself into the back of Jax’s legs so he’d have to sit down on it.
Caine fixed the papers together with three little taps before quite literally throwing them to the other side of the room. “Now then! What was it that you wanted from me?” Caine leaned his…jaw? On his hand, looking at Jax in confusion. “Wh- my name? You’ve given everyone else their names, haven’t you?” Jax sputtered back at him, holding onto the sides of the chairs seat as if it would stabilize him. Caine let out a simple “ah” before his expression shifted. Jax looked around, nervous once again. “What- what does that mean? What does ‘ah’ mean in this context?”
Caine leaned back in his chair. “That’s a bit trickier than you might think.” Jax’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean “trickier”? Did you not tell everyone else their names with minimal effort?” Caine tapped a finger on the wood of the desk. “You see, I’m unsure as to how to approach your situation…maybe now isn’t the right moment for this-“ “Are you seriously gonna gatekeep my name from me for the rest of eternity?” Jax’s anger was boiling over as he stood from the chair, pushing it away from him as he approached the table, smacking his hands down flat on the top. Before Caine could continue, Jax shouted once again. “After all the bull[….] you’ve put me through, I deserve to have this one thing, Caine!” He leaned in closer. “What. Is. My. Name?!”
Jax could hear his own voice echo through the office, and he tried to not think about the grating sound of his own voice. Caine sat there for a moment, slightly stunned, before he sat up and clasped his hands together on the table. His eyes lingered on his fingers, and Jax could practically see the cogs moving in his nonexistent brain. “I’m not lying to you when I tell you this is a bit more…complicated than most cases.” Jax dug his fingers into his palms, balling them up on the table. “Come on, Caine, don’t lie to me! Spit it out already!” Jax barked out, already pissed off at this point. What was it about his “situation” that made this so difficult for Caine to comprehend and work around?
Caines hands shot up in defense. “N-Now hold on! What I mean is-“ Caine took a short breath, his hands lowering slightly before he continued. “I know every human’s name the moment they join the circus, that’s true.” Caine paused once more, placing his hands fully down now. “-but I’ve never had a human who has…two names before.”
What?
Jax stared back at him with wide eyes. He felt like his heart paused for a moment. His breathing had definitely stopped. What was he on about? As if he had asked that question aloud, Caine continued with his explanation.
“Sure, Zooble had something in the back of their head, but it was…old. Discarded. Something I could barely make out once they had entered. You, however. You were different.
“Two names. One of them you used. Everyone knew you as this. The other was…secret. You liked it a lot more than the other one, too.”
The words lingered in the air heavily, so thick it was almost tangible. Jax’s breath shook as Caine looked up at him, an expression of apologetic nature plastered across his features. “I did think about giving it to you in the circus, I really did! But since there was two, I wasn’t exactly sure which was your actual name, and I…didn’t wanna risk it.” Jax opened and closed his mouth a few times, hands balled up so tightly he was sure he’d burst a blood vessel. Eventually, he found his words.
“What…what were they?” His voice trembled. He could feel and hear his heart hammering against his chest. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see. He felt like he was going to throw up, or cry, and he wasn’t sure which would be more humiliating of a response in that moment. He almost wanted to retract his statement, to stop this nonsense and brush it off as a joke before it became anything more than it already was, to make up a fake name and pretend to the others that it was true, anything but finding out the truth. But by the time he had found his words, Caine had already spoken.
“The first was Felix. Your birth name, from what I’ve gathered.” The name cut through him with a familiar grating edge to it, something lingering in his mind that equated to a stubborn stain that the sight of gave you chills, and not in a good way. A reminder of his family, of what he left behind before the circus, of what felt wrong about him. Jax gnawed on the inside of his mouth. “And…the other one?”
“…Daisy.”
There it was. His name.
Suddenly, something clicked in his head. Like a weight he didn’t know he’d been carrying had been lifted. His breathing was returning to normal as well. He didn’t really know what to say. I mean, what can you say in this situation? So he just nodded, removing his hands from the table and letting them hang loosely by his side. He nodded a few times before taking a step back. “Yeah- uhm- cool. Thanks. Caine.” He spoke like he was forcing it out of him. He turns to leave, taking a few steps before he stopped, silent for a moment. “You can…just use Jax for the time being…and…don’t tell the others about this, ‘kay?” His voice was shaky, and he knew he’d have to get out of that office quickly before he’d break. Caine nodded, despite Jax being turned around. He didn’t need an answer, simply speed walking to the door, opening it and slamming it shut behind him.
The walk back to the circus was torturous. His furred body felt weak, his cheeks were damp as tears flowed down them, soft sobs emitting into the long empty hallway. He felt odd. Both upset and…relieved. He stopped suddenly as his thoughts all came around to a number of realisations.
His preferred name was a girls name.
What did that even mean for him?
How was he going to tell the others he wanted to be called a girls name?
“Shit.”