Chapter Text
Izuku is in his 2nd year at U.A.
He doesn’t feel normal. Nothing does. He’s terrified and scarred for life mentally and physically.
He can’t sleep anymore. But that’s normal whatever normal means. He looks at his alarm clock.
3:25.
It’s so fucking bright he might just get sick on the spot. He walks into his bathroom. It’s like a routine etched into his brain. He looks at his disheveled form in the bathroom mirror. He has huge purple eye bags under his eyes. His hair is so unkempt and greasy.
But the most noticeable thing that changed about him are his eyes.
His once emerald green eyes are now…
Dead.
Well they have been since the war ended.
Since he lost one for all.
Since he had to fight all these villains.
Since he killed Shigaraki…
He really changed a lot since such a short time. Fuck.
His hands automatically grab for the razor. His only weakness. The fucking razor. He closes his bathroom door quietly. It’s unlikely most people are sleeping anyway but he’d rather be silent as to not wake anyone up.
He drops down onto the cool bathroom tiles. They’re a really nice thing to feel after you’re always sweating and warm. He grins but the grin is really empty it’s not happy at all.
Izuku then places the razor on his thigh and presses down hard as he drags it across his thigh. He watches as the blood drips down his thigh onto the bathroom floor.
It’s never enough for him.
He’s so fucking tired of life. He starts crying. He cries as he drags the blade over and over again. He cries not because of the pain of the wounds but because of the pain of being alive. He doesn’t even cry for the pain of going too deep.
Quite the opposite he actually loves it.
‘Izuku dammit why are you such a masochist’
These kind of thoughts cling to him all the time. No one can know.
Not even Kacchan.
Especially Kacchan.
He can never cut enough for the pain to go away but he calms himself down and grabs a rag, he places it down harshly on the bleeding wounds on his thigh. His breathing is uneven as he bangs his head against the bathroom door. So much for being quiet.
Time passes as he holds the rag against his skin. He can’t tell if it’s been 10 minutes but he really couldn’t care less.
He takes the rag off and covers the wound with sterile dressing, he seals the edges.
Even if he likes the pain he’d rather not get an infection. He slowly but surely stands up and starts cleaning the mess he made using disinfectant wipes. Though the blood left a bit of a stain it wasn’t quite horrible compared to the first time he cut himself in U.A.
Obviously he did it to himself in middle school.
Never in U.A. But after the war it felt like too much. Everything changed for him.
And he cut himself so much. To much blood everywhere where not even the best disinfectant could clean off.
He hides what’s left under a rug.
Izuku starts making his way towards his sink. His head is pounding against his skull and he feels so dizzy…
Fuck.
He rushes over to the toilet and vomits. His stomach getting rid of the little food he ate today which was literally forced into him. But never mind that. He hurls it out until his stomach feels so fucking empty.
But he couldn’t care less.
He grabs some toilet paper and wipes at his mouth making sure not to leave any signs that he vomited. Izuku flushes the toilet and then makes his way towards his sink to clean his rag.
He cleans it. His scarred hands rubbing soap harshly into the rag making sure not one spec of blood was left over. Over and over again.
This is his routine everyday.
Every single day after the war ended.
He’s so fucking grateful no one noticed yet. Izuku’s tired of hiding he wishes he could finally leave school get an apartment and never go out ever again.
He wouldn’t have to hide his cuts anymore.
When he’s done with the rag Izuku throws it into his bottom cabinet the razor hidden beneath it. No one comes into his bathroom anyways. He covers the sterile dressing with his All might pyjama bottoms, Izuku makes his way out of his bathroom. The smell from the bathroom makes Izuku want to vomit again. It smells like disinfectant and a sharp metallic smell. Blood. He’s glad he’s out of there it makes him a tiny bit less dizzy.
Izuku grabs a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and practically throws himself on his bed.
Once again part of his routine is to smoke. He has no idea when he developed this habit but it happened. Izuku quickly takes a cigarette out and lights it with an All might themed lighter. He has the urge to moan as the cigarette is met with his lips.
Izuku inhales into his lungs.
And then exhales.
Izuku feels great but there’s a part of himself that he misses. He remembers the times when he had huge smiles plastered onto his face. Izuku gets nostalgic thinking about that.
He exhales.
Izuku turns to look at the clock thats been pissing him off since forever.
3:45.
It takes him a moment to read it from how his eyes were getting. He really should get a less bright clock, If he didn’t get one soon he’d throw that one off his balcony.
He puts out his cigarette after one long inhale.
He hears a loud crash in the corridor that startles him then he hears a muted.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
That’s gets Izuku’s attention as he practically throws himself at the door. He nearly falls over from how dizzy he his but couldn’t care less. He opens the door and walks out into the corridor still holding his door open.
“Kacchan is that you?”
Izuku’s voice is so loud against the silence of the corridor.
“Fuck yourself in hell Izuku.”
There right beside Katsuki’s door is Katsuki in the flesh. It looks he nearly managed to get inside his dorm without getting caught. But faith had other plans for Katsuki.
“Pleasure to see you too Kacchan.”
“Tch.”
Even if Kacchan was 3 rooms away from him he could see him rolling his eyes at him. Izuku narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Kacchan was literally sweating bullets and holding something behind his back. It wasn’t that noticeable even for people with good eyesight. But Izuku knew Kacchan well enough he knew that he was doing something that could get him in trouble.
“What are you hiding there Kacchan?”
“None of your fucking business ‘Zuku.”
Katsuki spit those words out like venom.
“Well it is my business now…”
“You fucking dick.”
Izuku watched Kacchan with worried eyes as he rushes into his room and slams the door closed with the force of a fucking mountain.
Kacchan doesn’t look okay.
No one does.
He decides not to stand around like a dumb idiot anymore and goes back into his room. Izuku closes his door with care and only then there’s nothing to do anymore. He decides on writing some more notes about quirks and heroes before he has to get dressed for school. He sits at his mahogany desk and places his notebook and pen on it.
Izuku then starts writing like a madman on drugs for the next hour or so.
_______________
Katsuki’s breathing is so fucking loud he wouldn’t be shocked if there were complaints from his other classmates.
Shit.
Fuck. Izuku nearly caught him carrying alcohol. What would he do if he saw Katsuki holding it. Would he tell Aizawa?
Would he run to him and beg him to stop?
Would he just say nothing…
No. That’s not like Izuku. But to be honest who is Izuku now? He’s a shell of himself now. Izuku the usually bright and smiley person was now practically dead. Katsuki saw when he looked in his eyes there was nothing. No emotion just absolutely nothing.
Even if he smiled it was clearly fake just to tell his classmates that he was okay and that there was nothing wrong. Izuku’s smile never quite reached his eyes anymore. It wasn’t near as how huge it was before the war.
The war.
The one he died in.
The one he got resurrected in.
The one he wouldn’t mind dying in again.
He knew from the start it was a fucking suicide mission but he couldn’t care less. As long as Izuku managed to defeat Shigaraki. He would do anything to save him.
Even die.
Even now as he’s sitting on his bed downing the alcohol like it was the only thing keeping him alive. It probably was. His mind always decided every second was the perfect opportunity to replay what happened in the war. It killed him from the inside out.
He was rotting and there was nothing anyone could do. Not even himself.
Honestly he didn’t really mind death. It was quite frankly peaceful in a way. Obviously before he died everything hurt. But it wasn’t as bad as having to relive that moment every single fucking day.
He picked up the kitchen knife that he had beside him and slashed his upper arm. He didn’t even blink. Katsuki looked at the wound he made himself and wondered how it even happened. Him self harming. Jeez he’s worse than he thought. He watches as the blood drips down his arm. Hitting his bed sheets.
Staining them.
Because that’s how he felt.
He felt like a stain.
A stain that would never fucking disappear.
He gulped down the remaining alcohol. He fucking loved the way the alcohol burned his throat and stomach when he drank it.
It would usually take him a long time to get drunk. Which would mean he would have to buy a lot of it. But today his luck run dry when he found out there was absolutely nothing left. Not even a single fucking drop. What a scam.
He could’ve sworn he bought like 30 bottles. Fuck he had to ration his alcohol more. Katsuki was lucky that he found one in the fridge. It must have been from the small celebration party they had a week ago. Where Denki like the dumb human he was bought some alcohol without Aizawa’s permission. Well obviously he buys his bottles without permission but nobody has to know that.
He thought he was being fucking discreet well until one of the alcohol bottles he took from the fridge fell from his hands which left him with facing Izuku in the hallway and having an alcohol bottle less.
Fucking stupid.
He blinks.
He’s now back looking at his stupid upper arm. It was still bleeding but he couldn’t give a bigger shit about it though.
He grabbed some bandages from his bedside table and wrapped some on his upper arm lazily. It looked so strange, badly wrapped but he really couldn’t care. Ah great and it was also bleeding through. Just his luck. He’s so lucky isn’t he?
He wraps another bandage on top of that one and rolls his pyjama sleeve down. He aggressively throws the goddam bandage roll against his wall it hits and rolls into some random corner of his room.
His suffocating room.
He stashes his knife into his bedside table cabinet. He groans in annoyance at the blood on the bed sheets. He always cuts so fucking deep that there’s always a bunch of blood. More cleaning up. Great.
Can’t he just die already. Ughh life’s unfair. Looking at the blood makes him remember all the blood lost during the battle.
CAN HIS BRAIN JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.
He’s so tired. A tear drips down Katsuki’s cheek. Fucking baby. He wipes it away as quickly as possible he can’t be crying. He makes sure to finish the alcohol fully to not leave even a single droplet in there.
He checks the time.
4:23.
He blinks trying to process the time he was looking at because how the fuck did like 30 minutes already pass. He groans as he gets up with the speed of a sloth. He makes his way towards the bathroom to get ready for another horrible day. He looks at himself in the mirror. Shit Katsuki looks like he was placed in a meat grinder and then hit by a tornado full force. Plus he also looks like didn’t sleep for like a million years. Just perfect.
He undresses for his morning shower. He gets in before he gets cold and turns on the steaming warm shower. The water feels like bullets on his skin. His skin was getting really sensitive lately. Maybe because of all the cutting. But he really can’t stand the urges. He just keeps doing it over and over again. Like a never ending cycle.
He’s grateful that the bandage was water proof cause if it wasn’t he’d probably throw that bandage roll out the fucking balcony.
The steam was nice and all but it felt like it was choking him. He quickly turned off the water he couldn’t stand in it any longer. He steps out of the shower Katsuki’s skin is raw, sensitive and pink. He grabs his school uniform from a hanger he puts his boxers on, then his uniform. He changes quickly and efficiently. He knew today was gonna be the same like everyday.
He really can’t stand it anymore.
Well not the same. He had to go to the fuck ass shop to get alcohol.
He rubs at his tired eyes he hopes he could just take this feeling away. He hasn’t slept in god knows how long.
He leaves the bathroom and takes a deep breath of air. Fuck that steam really was suffering in its finest forms.
Now that he’s out he notices how crumpled and messy it is. How long has it been since he washed it? Whatever.
He doesn’t even bother to check the time as he leaves his room backpack on his shoulder.
______________
Izuku yawns as he stretches his legs out in front of him. He’s downstairs in the common room watching some movie while cuddling with his All might themed blanket he was enjoying his time until he saw Kacchan. Kacchan. He was walking down the stairs hands in his pockets backpack on his shoulder. Was he already going to class?
He sighs. He doesn’t know how Kacchan is able to always be ready for class that early in the morning. He yawns loudly. Kacchan looks right at him Izuku notices how his eyebrows rise quickly and his eyes widen slightly.
“Mm morning Kacchan…”
He stifles another yawn.
“Morning ‘Zuku”
Izuku stares at Katsuki noticing how his eyes soften at the edges. Hmm cute.
Izuku turns his attention back to the movie he can hear Kacchan leaving the door closing making a creaking noise.
He wonders if Kacchan slept at all. Probably not who did to be honest. Everyone probably had nightmares of the war or maybe they just didn’t. Lucky people who don’t have nightmares. He was jealous. Why was he though he should be understanding and happy about it but all he feels is jealousy and hatred. Fuck what is wrong with him.
_______________
Izuku is relieved as he hears the bell ring ending classes for the day. He can finally rest. Yep just kidding when does he ever rest. He laughs quietly to himself.
“Hey Deku-kun”
What should he do now. Hmm maybe he could go to the store! Yes perfect idea. No one would bother him and he’d have some time out of his rotten dorm room.
“Deku-kun?”
Yes alright he could buy some cigarettes as he was running low on them hopefully no one from his class were going straight after school to the shop he was gonna go to.
He could feel hands on his shoulders and then shaking.
He snapped out of his haze. Uraraka-san was standing right in front of him and shaking him like crazy.
“Ohh finally your back Deku-kun I thought you died there for a second!”
She’s giggling a bit. And he gives a small smile.
“Yeah me too…”
She’s now laughing really loud. It’s quite annoying to say the least. Whoever hasn’t left the class yet look at Ochaco some look confused others worried. I mean it did sound fake so no wonder.
“Well I guess Ochaco is in no state to talk right now so I guess I’ll state whatever she wanted to ask”
Izuku turns around as he hears Iida's voice from behind him.
“She was going to ask if you wanted to go too the park with us to hang out and by us I mean me, Uraraka-san, Todoroki-kun and Tsu-san are you up for that Midoriya-kun?”
Izuku blinks. Oh. How is he supposed to tell them he’s not going to their monthly hang out this month?
“Oh Iida-kun I totally forgot I actually made plans already?”
Iida didn’t seem that easy to trick as he looked suspiciously at him.
Shit. He looked around the room and there he already came up with a plan!
“Actually I’m going to the shops with Kacchan!”
As Katsuki tries to walk past to exit the classroom Izuku grabs his arm.
“Isn’t that right Kacchan?”
He stares into Katsuki’s eyes hoping he’d understand.
“Mhm that’s right me and the nerd are going to the shops.”
Izuku lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“Oh alright Midoriya-kun please watch out for yourself!”
Ochaco is blabbering about something to Iida as he drags her out of the classroom the rest of their little group follow them out.
“You damn nerd can’t you just say no.”
Izuku turns back to Kacchan.
“No not really sorry Kacchan!”
Izuku starts making his way towards the exit from the class pulling Kacchan along with him.
“‘Zuku I swear to god do I really have to go with you.”
“Yep we already had plans remember!”
He winks at Katsuki.
“Jeez what a bummer I was gonna go to the shops anyways but now I have to go with you just fucking great.”
Izuku grins and then starts holding Kacchan’s hand as they walk out of U.A.
They can’t be out for an hour and thirty minutes or they’re gonna get in trouble with Aizawa sensei. And Izuku definitely does not wanna do dorm chores ever again.
“Izuku why are you holding my hand.”
Izuku notices Katsuki’s discomfort he feels heartbroken that Katsuki doesn’t want to hold his hand but because of those words he holds on even tighter.
_____________
After seven minutes of walking and bickering they finally make it to a random shop. It’s not too big but it probably has some smokes.
“Heh Kacchan is it okay if we split up for a second?”
Katsuki looks relieved at the statement.
“Yes of course meet you outside in ten.”
“Alrighty Kacchan!”
Izuku waits till Kacchan disappears out of sight and goes to the cigarette section and grabs the first pack his hand touches he takes like four packs. He then makes his way towards the self checkout and buys his cigarettes.