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“How do you manage to look at me like that?”
“Like what, Darling?”
“Like… Like I hung the stars in the sky. Like nothing’s wrong. You look at me and I see the way that your eyes dilate and feel the way that your heart rate quickens and your breathing steadies as I hold you but I don’t…”
“You don’t understand?”
Casper chuckles softly, it took everything within him to not attempt to change the subject - he knew that even if he tried, Thomas wouldn’t let him. He’d once again opened Pandora’s box - but this time the contents were softer. Guilt, doubt, worry - they thrashed within him like an animal desperate for escape.
They were desperate for escape. Still trapped within the dark place - very real, painfully real manifestations or their deepest fears lingering around every corner.
The loneliness chipped away at them both, and so as they found each other- they decided to be lonely together.
“Darling.”
He cupped his lover’s face, a flurry of emotions encapsulated them both like a cocoon - each of them knowing, whether or not they could bring themselves to believe it, that they would break free.
Twin butterflies emerged. Art and science - all come from observation. All come from creation. They were perfectly imperfect- the power they held left them desperately human.
And so they fought. They flirted, they experimented and they fucked. They had each other- even if it wasn’t enough, it still was.
Tom said Casper’s name like a prayer - each whisper of it familiar in a way that still shot through him like a bolt of lightning- fire igniting under his skin.
“You don’t have to understand, rakas. Just… know. Know that I love you. Know that I don’t understand how you love me-“
“Because you’re… you! I mean I know that I’m being a hypocrite here Tom, but come on! You’re Thomas Zane and-“
“And you, are Casper Darling!”
“I wasn’t finished-!”
“Neither was I, armaani!” Thomas laughed warmly, pinching the bridge of his nose in loving exasperation.
“Go ahead!,” he gestured with his hand, smiling wide.
“You know that I won’t flinch away from praise when it comes from your perfect mouth.” He purred, placing a kiss to the crux of the younger man’s neck.
“N-Now you’re just trying to distract me!” Darling huffed, he couldn’t deny the way that his body responded to the artist’s touch.
“Is it working?” Thomas replied with comical eyebrow wiggle
“Well it was until you did that!” The scientist laughed, taking a slow breath as he gathered his thoughts.
“You’re… Thomas Zane. Writer, director, poet, filmmaker. The beloved auteur- the artist. The only reason that your name isn’t known by everyone who’s ever had even a vague interest in poetry or filmmaking is because you…”
“Because I made foolish decisions.”
“Because… because you loved. Because you love Barbara so much that none of that mattered.”
“But it did matter. People were hurt. I was foolish to think myself above grieving- even if it was a conclusion I was led to.”
Tom’s voice held a stern- if shaky tone, he closed his eyes and leaned into the touch of his Darling. Sighing as his mind danced with bitter memory.
Emil Hartman. He had become one whose name echoed through the artist’s mind. He remembered the night that Barbara drowned as a blur - frantic calls of her name as he lost what felt like everything to him.
He did the only thing he knew to do - the only thing he had left. Thomas wrote.
When fear overtook his curiosity, Hartman egged him on.
But it was still by his welcome that the darkness crept in.
Casper’s posture had stiffened at the quick response to his words, he pushed down the seed of regret beginning to bloom within his chest, but couldn’t stop the thoughts that raced in turn.
How does one explain something they themselves don’t truly understand?
Casper had tried for his entire life to rationalize.
He was a man of science, he enjoyed measuring cause and effect. The ways in which a scenario was most likely to unfold - he could explain probable cause why someone would feel a certain way, down to the release of specific chemicals within the brain - but he always wished that it would end at that.
Try as he might, he could never think his way out of feeling. Reassurance helped - thought it was rare to obtain for most of his life. Perhaps his pride got in the way - or perhaps he simply wished for someone else to see him. To notice.
I shouldn’t have brought this up.
He let himself shake his head in an attempt to clear the idea from his mind, letting his hand fall to his lover’s hair, stoking idly to ground them both.
Tom cleared his throat.
"The point being, I am not free of mistakes either. What makes you so unworthy that doesn't make me the same in turn?." He held the younger man's face, a gentle way of ensuring he couldn't run, that he couldn't hide from the words that flowed from Tom's lips.
"Casper Darling, your name reflects it in turn. I look at you with love because I love you. You can think yourself undeserving, but that won't stop it from being true. You are not alone in this darkness, and we shall find our way out together but don't let it take hold of your heart."
Casper couldn’t stop the ‘thank you’ that spilled from his lips - tears forming in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill before their lips met.
And so the fire between them burned - a light so bright as to tear through the dark. Candles and matches and bonfires - Prometheus brought flames to mortalkind and their love brought light to the path.
It didn’t matter if it was today, or tomorrow, or what time was at all within their shared room in the Oceanview. They would find their way from the dark, one step at a time.
“I love you, Thomas Zane.”
“And I love you, Casper Darling.”