Chapter Text
It was a normal workday at SDN. Bright, sunny weather, no wind. And Robert was in a good mood, not that it showed.
He had woken up rested, had a nice breakfast (courtesy of a local café, since he still had no normal food at home), and the Z-Team were actually behaving themselves. For a given definition of behaving that it.
One microphone-melting comment from Malevola got stuck in his head. She had just apprehended a particularly annoying perp when she shot into the group chat: “Next time I see this guy, I will shove my sword so far up his ass, that it will puncture his ear drums!”. Robert knew that it had come directly from her soul, it sounded so sincere.
Now, everyone who knew Robert was well aware of his impressive poker face. That didn’t mean he didn’t have plenty of emotions running underneath it, though, and now he was feeling rather impish. He had an idea.
Come lunch break he took a little walk to a nearby mall. There was a store there selling gag gifts and other assorted prank stuff, he knew. So, he went there and made a purchase.
Returning to work, he made a beeline to the break room where he found most of the Z-Team, but most importantly Malevola. Even better, she had been careless again and had left her sword propped up against the wall next to the water cooler.
One skill Robert had cultivated from his work as a solo superhero was how to blend in a crowd. Becoming unnoticeable was an indispensable skill when doing reconnaissance for an upcoming raid against LA’s criminal elements. So when he went in that room, nobody really paid much attention to him. Standing in such a way as to conceal his actions as much as possible from everyone, while remaining inconspicuous, he pulled out his purchase from his pocket one-handed and placed a small, but rather noticeable item on the sword’s surface.
“Perfect, nobody noticed”, he though. “Well, maybe Coupé did, but she’ll keep quiet…probably.”
Now he relaxed himself and went on to chat a little with everyone.
Later on he was back on his desk, talking with Invisigal in the final minutes before the second shift started. Or rather she was making lewd jokes, and he was sitting there taking it like a good boy.
When suddenly…
“What the ever-loving fuck?? VISI!!”, came from the break room. Malevola was not amused it seemed.
“What the….”, Invisigal whirled around, just about in time to face an irate half-demon stomping towards her, followed more sedately by Coupé.
“Visi, what the hell? Why would you put this on my sword?”
Malevola held up her weapon in both hands to show everyone around a bright blue sticker with a white inscription on it: “For Rectal Use Only”, followed by a stylized image of a butt.
Invisigal stared at the offending sticker for a moment slack-jawed, then burst out laughing. Several other people also started chuckling.
“Ugh, Visi, why do you think this is funny?”, the tall woman stood back, looking irritated. “Why would you desecrate my most valuable asset like this?”
By this point Visi had finally managed to get her cackling under control. “This wasn’t me, Mal! I swear! Though I wish now that I had thought of it, cause it’s fucking funny, especially after that comment you made earlier.”
“That’s how I know it was you! I said that on the team channel, and from all of us, you’re the chaos gremlin here! Ugh!”, Mal held up the sword to her face, squinting at the sticker.
“That thing wouldn’t damage the sword in any way, would it?” Robert asked, looking placidly at the weapon.
Malevola shot him a look that clearly said, “you’re a moron”. “Robert, this is an infernal sword. I can chuck it in Mount fucking Doom and it’ll be alright. It’s just getting that nasty glue stuff these stickers leave that is a royal pain in the tail to remove. And she’ll be helping me!”
“Though it does fit in with her character, I am certain Invisigal had nothing to do with this practical joke” Coupé said, putting a calming hand on Mal’s shoulder.
“Really??”
“Absolutely. I can see the confusion in her eyes”, the assassin confirmed.
“So then who else would do this….”
“Alright, people, let’s put a pin in this for later. Shift’s about to start,” said Robert. “Mal, calm down, I’ll help you clean it up after. There are solvents in the workshop that I’m sure will help.” People started heading off, Malevola and Invisigal walking together, any irritation between them forgotten. Visi was still giggling though, and Mal was holding up her weapon, looking at the sticker as if considering its fate.
Notably, Coupé remained at his cubicle. There was a moment of silence.
“Is there anything you would like to tell me, Robert?”
“Actually, yes.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a bunch more stickers and handed them to her. “Here, put a couple of these on your blades, and when Mal sees them, pretend you don’t know where they came from. Also, when you see Punch Up give him some to put on his knuckles and ask him to do the same. I’ll make sure to send you three on missions together today.”
She raised an eyebrow at him.
“So I decided to play a little prank on Mal. Work with me here. Please.”
There was another moment of silence.
“Very well” and she turned to leave. Her expression remained neutral, but the stickers disappeared somewhere.
“Mental note: never play poker with Coupé” Robert thought to himself.
Much later on, after all the crimes had been stopped, and all perpetrators apprehended, the Z-Team had gathered for a round of drinks. There was a mix of various amused expressions around the table as Malevola told her tale of the day. The half-demon herself looked like she couldn’t decide whether to be impressed or disgusted. “…and then the fucker just says “Well I don’t know lass. They were jus there”.” Mal said attempting a mocking Irish accent and pointing at Punch Up.
The man in question was holding up his hands grinning, two blue stickers on his knuckles clearly visible. There was another round of laughs around the table.
“Alright, alright, Colm. We’ve all had a good giggle. Now how about you tell me how you managed to convince Coop of all people to join in on this prank?” Malevola asked. The assassin in question was slowly turning one of her knives around, another “For Rectal Use Only” sticker shining happily on the surface.
“Don’t look at me. I had nothing to do with planning this. Janelle, what’s gotten into you today? You’re not usually one for pranks like this” the short man said turning to his better half.
“I found it amusing.”
There was a chorus of “no fucking ways”, “holy shits” and “you fucking go girls” from the rest of the team.
“But I cannot take the credit for this. I was merely asked to participate.”
“But then who…” Mal looked thoroughly confused.
Coupé simply fixed her gaze on the dispatcher among them.
“Nooo. No way. Robert!”
The man in question was taking a sip from his beer, but everyone could see clearly how his face changed from his usual blank state to rather evil grin.
Invisigal burst out laughing. “I knew it! I knew you had it in you Rob! Fucking Finally!”
“Remember, Courtney. I told you back in Royd’s lab that I can keep this up all day” he answered smugly.
There was a general round of applause and laughs. But then everyone looked at Malevola. She was giving Robert with an actual evil grin. Several people gulped loudly. “I hope you realize, Bob Bob, that this means war.”