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A shriek broke into the dead night. Loud, frightened, and from a trembling little girl whose hands flew in the air and legs kicking.
The dark was coming to get her! She could feel how wet her forehead was from the monster licking it and how stuffy her room was from its terrible stenched breath. Then, she heard thunderous footsteps outside her door, the monster was coming for her!
Phoebe screamed, surely she was going to die.
The door swung open and to her relief were her two uncles in disarray.
“Pheebs, you okay?” Jamie said, his bathrobe inside out, hair lopsided and eyes red. He flicked the lights and all three flinched from the brightness blinding them.
Roy, who was behind, had a bat in his hand and was in his boxers. No time to put on gear if his little niece was in trouble.
Phoebe shook her head, eyes teary. “I had a bad dream” she squeaked like a mouse. Both men calmed and made their way to her bed. Jamie sat beside her and Roy sat at the end, letting the bat rest by his leg.
“Nightmares suck. Wanna talk bout’ it?” Jamie said, unbundling her legs out from the blanket and straightening it, picking at the toys that were scattered around her and lined them up back in their spot.
Phoebe shook her head again, too afraid to even think of what her mind had conjured. She was in a dark and scary place and there were monsters everywhere. How she could say it out loud to them would only send her into a frenzy of tears.
Suddenly, Phoebe dove under the blanket when the trees outside tapped her window. “AH! It’s the monster!” she screamed.
”It’s a fucking tree, Phoebe” Roy said, grabbing her foot and giving it a shake. “No monsters are going to get you if we're here.”
Jamie nodded. “Your uncle Roy is right. Nothin’ will get you if we're here. Especially that tree.”
Phoebe shook, her little heart about to explode. She stayed under the blanket, hearing her uncles talk among themselves. They sounded muffled through the fabric and Phoebe could only make out about going to bed.
”Phoebe, it’s okay to be scared. Your uncle Roy always hugs me in bed when he's afraid. Right, sweetie?” Jamie said, saying sweetie with a silly tone that made Phoebe giggle from under the blanket and poke her head out.
Roy scoffed, “Yeah, I piss myself at the nightmares. Thanks, honeybuns” Roy shot back, earning another giggle from Phoebe.
It was Jamie’s turn to scoff. “Well, uncle honeybuns here has a story—“
”Story!” Phoebe shouted out, head popping out from under the blankets, eyes wide with excitement. She loved storytime with her uncles, especially Jamie.
Jamie laughed, “Yes, want to hear a story?”
Phoebe nodded, almost bouncing in her bed. Roy chuckled, “I have one.
Once upon a time a little girl pissed herself from the fuking nightmare she had.
She screamed and her two uncles came to her rescue and beat the shit out of her nightmare.
Then her uncles tucked her in and kissed her goodnight and went back to—“ Roy's eyes darted to Jamie who gave him that look. “—to sleep because they were sleeping before you woke them up, the fucking end. Happy now?”
Both Phoebe and Jamie looked at one another then back at Roy. “Your story sucks, uncle Roy!”
”Yeah, Roy! Your story has no substance nor passion!” Jamie shook his head, and Phoebe stuck her tongue out at him.
“A story needs adventure! Suspense! Love! Where was the love, Roy?”
“The sleeping part,” Roy said with a shrug. Jamie threw a toy at Roy with a ‘hey!’.
“And a dragon!” Phoebe said, Jamie nodding in agreement while Roy rolled his eyes.
”I have just the story!” Jamie scooted closer to Phoebe who lay back down to bed, Jamie pulling up her blankets and smoothing them over her body while Roy sat at the other side of her bed, giving her a dragon stuffed toy that was blue with pink wings.
Phoebe, now tucked in and hugging her friend close to her, was ready.
”This story is about a knight who sets out to slay the dragon and free the princess,” Jamie began, lying beside Phoebe now, head resting on his hand. “The knight, Sir Tarttling, was called to the castle one weary evening.
The Princess, Kenitha—“
”No fucking way you’re calling me Kenitha,” Roy barked. Ever since Jamie was sworn into the family, he was the knight, Phoebe the dragon, and Roy stuck as the fucking princess whenever they played pretend. Not that he truly minded.
Phoebe and Jamie shushed him. “My story, I get to pick the names!”
Roy just growled, sulking back beside Phoebe who looked over at Jamie, urging him to continue.
”Okay, let me start over, from the beginning,” Jamie cleared his throat and licked his lips.
”Once upon a time…
There was a knight! A great knight who was loved by all. He did all good deeds without payment and always had time for anyone in need.
His name was Tarttling, Sir Tarttling! He was promised to wed the one and only beautiful Keniath, princess of the land!
Oh, how his heart throbbed for the princess!
But, when he went to visit and plan their wedding, where was the princess?
Was he under the bed?”
Jamie paused to look under the bed much to Phoebe’s amusement.
“Or maybe in the closet?”
Jamie looked over at Roy who was closer, eyes big and begging. Roy groaned and went to the closet, flinging it open. “Fuck me, not in here,” Roy said dryly. Phoebe gave Roy a smile for helping.
“Where was the princess?! Poor Sir Tarttling checked all over the castle and town and no sight of the beautiful hairy-chested man.
Sir Tarttling went back to the castle and that is when he found out from Hoggins that the princess had taken a walk in the garden. Sir Tarttling went and saw it!
A cloth of the princess’s dress! It was torn and along with it was a note!
The note read… I HAVE THE PRINCESS, COME IF YOU DARE TO THE DRAGON’S LAIR!”
Jamie put his hands up and wiggled his fingers, making a silly intimidating voice. Phoebe let out a gasp, how could the dragon do that? Phoebe took her dragon toy and made a small roar at Jamie who took it and repeated the note's message in the same voice, shaking the dragon at Phoebe.
Both laughed, Roy sitting back down at the bed.
“Oi, let me continue. I swear I will make it passionate and suspenseful.”
Jamie raised a brow at Roy but did not deny the man. “Okay, Roy, let’s hear it,”
”Yay, uncle Roy! Please make sure to add some silly voices or else the story won’t come true.”
Before Roy could deny that claim, Jamie shook his head at Roy. “You’re right, if I don’t use the silly voices how on earth will any of this happen…
When the knight, Sir Fuck’s A lot—“
”Sir Tarttling, thank you very much,” Jamie interrupted with a know-it-all voice.
”When the knight, Sir who doesn’t shut the fuck up, found out the dragon bastard took his best mate, he swore he would avenge him and kill the damn thing.
With his heart full of hate and anger, Sir Tarttling set out on an epic quest.
Taking his trusty steed,” Roy tried to think of a name for a horse and settled for the name that popped into his head, “his trusty steed Tasso, who also would never shut up but had excellent advice, hit the road, it was one thing fucking thing after the other.
They encountered goddamn goblins, a whole bunch of them, who were eating babies—“
”Babies, Roy?” Jamie gasped out and Phoebe had the blankets up to her eyes, shaking. “Don’t worry, the babies were already dead—”
”Roy!” Jamie swatted at him across the bed, looking at him with ‘that can’t be any fucking better’ look. “Phoebe, the babies weren’t real and dead, they were actually made of candy and happened to look like babies. The goblins were… Vegan.”
”Vegan fucking goblins? How is that better than mine?” Roy was offended.
Jamie pulled down Phoebe’s blanket so her face was visible, “What do you think is better? Baby eating goblins or vegan goblins who don’t eat babies, not even a nibble on your toe?”
Phoebe looked between each uncle, before nodding at Jamie who stuck his tongue out at Roy.
“Vegan goblins it fucking is,” Roy said, regretting ever partaking in the story. Regardless, he continued.
”So it turns out the goblins were fucking vegan and the babies they were eating were made out of candy. When they saw Sir Tarttling, they ran up to him, their sneakers laced up, and begged him for help.
‘Sir Tarttling, please help us. We are in dire need of a better fucking diet. This candy hurts our teeth, they cried because they were pussies and couldn’t do shit themselves.
Sir Tarttling agreed of course because he was a prick with an ego. While the kickass Princess Keniath probably killed the dragon by now, the princess could wait for Sir Tarttling who helped every fucker in need.”
Roy grabbed a toy off the floor, it being a toy of a ball of cabbage that Jamie’s mum got Phoebe for her birthday; got herself a whole vegetable set, the carrot and lettuce lost somewhere in the house.
”Sir Tarttling found this nearby,” Roy held up the ball of cabbage, its little beady eyes staring at Jamie and Phoebe, “it was a magical ball of cabbage that made endless leaves of cabbage.
The vegan goblins took it and kicked it around like footie before eating it because they were disgusting and didn’t know what the fuck hygiene meant,” Roy said, proud of himself so far. The story was becoming fire.
Jamie had a smile on his face and seemed to enjoy it so far. Phoebe looked impressed at her uncle’s storytelling, wanting to hear more of the adventures of Sir Tarttling.
”Okay, let me continue now!” Jamie said, itching to tell his part. “After helping the vegan goblins, Sir Tarttling made his way through the forest and at the other end he was met with an ocean!
In the middle of the ocean was the dragon’s lair. How could Sir Tarttling cross and get to the princess? That is when he heard it, the little voices of singing pixies. His steed, Tasso, urged him to follow.
Sir Tarttling followed the voices until he was in the village of the pixies, Richmount village, their homes and bodies tiny yet their voices loud. Sir Tarttling called out to the queen of the pixies, who flew over to Sir Tarttling with grace.
Hello, dear knight” Jamie said in a small and cute voice to intimate what a little fairy would sound like.
“I am queen, Miss. Weltina! What brings you here, my dear knight?” Phoebe was laughing at Jamie’s voice, Roy cracking a smile at it; he could not deny that Jamie was good at storytelling.
”Miss Weltina of Richmount! I am here for a favour. For you see I need to save the princess from the dragon!
Little gasps broke out among the village of pixies. They knew of the dragon and had heard Princess Kenitha scream profanities all the way to its lair earlier.
Oh, Sir Tarttling. I wish to help but you see, my magic can only do so much. I need more dust! Miss. Weltina waved her little wand around and only specks of magic sprouted out from the tip.
Fear not! For I shall collect more dust for you in a heartbeat!
Oh! Thank you, knight! Please, take Miss. Keebs with you so she can show you the way!
A pink pixie flew by Sir Tarttlings’ head. She was a cute little thing who sang with sass when she spoke.
Sir Tarttling, Keebs, and Tasso made their way to the desert of magic sand where they fought the rock turtles and sand snakes. Keebs was almost swallowed by a sand snake but thanks to Tasso, he kicked the creature square in the mouth!
Finally, they found the pit of the magic dust. Sir Tarttling collected a whole bag to make sure the pixies could last a lifetime. They raced back to the cheering village who used their powers to give Sir Tarttling and Tasso the ability to walk on water.
Thank you, pixies of Richmount! Sir Tarttling said with a wave and made his way back to the ocean. Keebs followed, her story unfinished.
OoooOooooOoooo~! I want to punch that dragooooon~! For it ate my caaaaandy~! Keebs sang with passion, wings fluttering with anger,”
”Uncle Jamie, you’re good at singing!” Phoebe said unexpectedly, her eyes slowly starting to flatter shut as the story neared to its end.
“Thank you, Phobebe. Maybe we can take you out to karaoke next week?” Jamie said, both of them looking over to Roy who nodded; any excuse to hang out with two people he loved was always a good idea.
”Yay!” Phoebe cheered, tiredness at the edge of her voice.
Roy continued the story when Jamie was busy tucking Phoebe back into bed, humming the tune he had made up just now.
“As Sir Tarttling approached the ocean and began making his way through, the water around him stirred.
Something was swimming under, circling him even. He would fuck up whoever it was stalking him.
Come out fucker! Sir Tarttling yelled out, stopping. He wasn’t afraid because his love for his best mate, the princess, was stronger than fear itself.
Tasso was shaking and pissing himself, Keebs had her hands up. All three waited for—” Roy grabbed a snake plushie off the side of the bed, “a large snake thing came from under! It was fucking huge, ugly even. It had a beard and a tiny cap on its head.
It stared at all three of them, What brings you here? It said with a hiss at the end. Tasso was the one to speak out, well, we’re here to see a friendly dragon, don’t know about you but it’s best we go” Roy said with his best American accent.
”Oh my goodness, Roy, that was terrible,” Jamie laughed, holding his mouth shut from going overboard. Phoebe let out small giggles, her eyes fully closed but still listening. She needed to know how the story ended!
Roy gave them a hmph and continued, “the snake creature nodded. You will only pass if you find my whistle!
Sir Tarttling took the task. How could he say no? Fucker truly had to help everyone that asked. Probably a contract he signed that prevented him from saying no or some shit.
As all three ran around the ocean, the magic from the pixies had given them speed and excellent eye sight too, and they found the whistle in no time.
It was in some mermaid's nest. They wouldn’t cough it up so Keebs beat the shit out of the mermaids for it. Bloody beautiful fight too.
They returned to the snake creature and presented the whistle. It just nodded at them and swam away, allowing them to continue on.
Now, they have arrived at their final destination. The dragon's lair!”
Phoebe’s eyes shot open, energy suddenly surging through her. Even Jamie had leaned in closer, gripped at the story as silly as it was.
“Wanna finish it?” Roy asked Jamie who shrugged. “Hm, how about you, Phoebe?” Jamie asked, Phoebe nodding. “Yes please, I love dragons!”
Both men looked down at her, waiting for her to wrap it all up. Phoebe took a breath, an ending in mind.
”Sir Tarttling and his friends went inside to see the dragon and the princess.
The place was… dark, scary. There were no lights and it was always hot. Her only friends were monsters who threw rocks at her and ate her candy.
The dragon was sad and alone and scared. She did kidnap the princess, Keniath, because she heard the princess was tough and could beat up all the scary things.
The princess did! He beat up all the monsters who bullied the dragon and they ran away.
The dragon did not mean to worry the princess’ friends. She just wanted someone at her lair to protect her like Sir Tarttling who was there now to protect his future bride,” Jamie blushed, Roy chuckled, Phoebe continued.
”Sir Tarttling, there you are! Took you fucking long enough!” Phoebe said in her best impression of her uncle Roy. That earned a long laugh from Jamie who almost rolled off the bed from how hard he laughed. Roy looked unimpressed.
”I am sorry, I did not mean to kidnap the princess! The dragon cried, scared of what was to come. Keebs was punching the dragon but her little hands could only do so much! It tickled the dragon.
Sir Tarttling stepped up, a sad look on his face. No need to apologize, you were just scared. Why do you stay here if it’s so scary? Sir Tarttling asked the dragon who was crying now.
Because I have nowhere to go! The dragon cried.
Princess Keniath, who listened to the dragon’s story and helped take down the bullies when he had arrived, felt sorry for her. While the princess acted tough and mean, his heart was of gold.
Oi, dragon fucker, you can just live at the castle the princess said. The dragon gasped!
Really princess?
Yes fucking really, can we fucking leave now? We have a wedding to plan for and you’re invited!
With that, everyone got on the dragon’s back as she flew into the sky and towards the castle, her new home!
They passed everyone Sir Tarttling helped, waving at them from below. They waved back and cheered with glee!
With the princess safe, the dragon no longer trapped and alone in the dark with the meanies, Sir Tarttling and Princess Keniath leaned in to share a kiss, their love spreading all over the world!”
As Phoebe spoke the last part, both Roy and Jamie leaned above her and shared a kiss like in the story. She giggled under them, imagining her uncle Roy in a pink dress with a pointy hat and her uncle Jamie in an armour of shiny metals.
“That was such a lovely ending, Pheebs” Jamie whispered, leaning down to give her a kiss on her forehead. As if the kiss itself was magic, Phoebe’s eyes dropped, tiredness overtaking her. Roy gave her a kiss as well, sealing everything and she was snoring in a dream of knights and princesses and dragons.
Both men left, flicking the lights off and closing the door.
“That was some story,” Jamie said, making his way back to bed, Roy following behind.
“Mhm, wonder what they did when they got to the castle.”
Jamie turned around, a smirk dancing on his lips. “Sleeping, preaphs.”
”Sleeping, you say?” Roy grinned, wrapping his arms around Jamie’s legs and hoisted him up. “Roy!” Jamie gasped with surprise.
“A princess needs to thank their knight for the rescue,” Roy said, taking Jamie into their bedroom.
”Oh, the knight would love that.”