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He needed a break.
Jamie shuffled his way onto the street, feeling the chill of the wind slap him in the face. He stepped out of the doorway, shoving his hands in his pockets. It had been a pretty tame Christmas, but it seemed the cold was ringing in the new year.
It was quieter outside, shockingly. Just the sound of cars and the occasional loud conversation from a group of drunk passers-by.
He pulled out the cheap pack of cigarettes he’d gotten from the corner shop earlier. As he lit one, he looked across the road at the obnoxiously bright vape shop. With the newest flavours and popular brands plastered on the windows, right next to a flashing neon sign. You’d think they’d make them less visually appealing, at least the cigarette companies had the decency to put disgusting images of clogged arteries and rotten teeth. He’d considered making the switch to vaping a while ago but he figured it’d be a waste of time. He didn’t smoke that much anyway.
“What’re you doing out here?”
He turned around, and shrugged at Jim, before turning his attention back to the street.
“It’s freezing out here.”
“You think that’s a good sign for next year?” Jamie asked, exhaling a cloud of smoke, making sure to turn his head so the wind wouldn’t blow it all into his friend's face.
“I’m pretty sure it’s this cold every year.” Jim sighed, his breath mingling with the cold air.
“Yeah, somehow the weather is more predictable than anything else.”
“You could say that again.” The other man let out a huff, looking up at the sky and then to Jamie. “Give us a hit.”
Jamie already had his arm outstretched. They’d settled into this rhythm a couple years ago; the first time they’d done this had been at Jim’s thirtieth. It was odd, thinking about how far they’d come. From university and how the world seemed to just revolve around the two of them and a couple of their friends that came and went. To now, where everyone seems to be getting their life together. Clive got married only a year after they left uni and Johnny had been talking about having kids last time Jamie saw him.
It was all moving far too quickly for him. And it wasn’t like before, when he could laugh it off with Jim, vowing to remain bachelors together while cracking open another cheap beer in their apartment. His friend was engaged, Jamie knew the fact all too well. It’d been running around in his mind ever since Jim casually mentioned that he was thinking of popping the question. And Jamie helped, of course he did, he went ring shopping with him, helped figure out a time and place and calmed his friend’s nerves. The smile on Jim’s face made it all worth it, but Jamie couldn’t help but fear that time was ticking for him to move on and get his life together.
“C’mon, I’m freezing my ass off out here.” Jim sighed, nudging his shoulder.
Jamie took a final hit of his cigarette before crushing it into an ashtray on a nearby table.
They opened the door, and were immediately hit with noise of people talking over each other and whatever football commentary had been put on the TV. Their friends were sitting around a table all too small for their party, and Jamie couldn’t fail to notice that everyone there had their significant other with them. Something squeezed his heart.
They didn’t spend much time at the pub; there were groups of older men getting rowdy and they’d planned to head up to Dave’s place for the rest of the night.
The weather seemed to grow even more bitter as they shuffled down uneven pavements. Jamie couldn’t help but notice how Jim instinctively wrapped an arm around Julie’s shoulder, pulling her closer as they walked. The wind seemed to hit him harder at that moment, and he had to pull his jacket tighter across his chest.
He couldn’t help but look up at the sky, making out a couple stars that weren’t completely obscured by clouds. By the time he reached thirty, he figured he’d be over it. That he could stand by Jim as his friend, and never cling to the hope that something more could come of it. But two more years only served to prove that Jamie was royally fucked.
Soon they made it to the small, but welcoming flat and everyone dispersed, huddling into small groups and making even smaller talk, leaving Jamie feeling a little bit out of place. But hey, Dave had been kind enough to put enough alcohol on the table to keep him occupied.
He couldn’t help but get a little existential - call it seasonal depression - it had been years and he’d failed to commit to any sort of romantic relationship. It seemed like everyone moved on and left him behind. Though it wasn’t exactly a mystery as to why he was struggling, it was a consequence of his own thoughts and feelings. But he couldn’t help but fear for what the rest of his life would look like if he stayed like this.
He needed another drink.
It was an hour or so until midnight and Jamie was in the kitchen, pouring out the rest of whatever disgusting liquid he had put in his cup.
“Jamie!”
Julie was leaning against the kitchen counter, her cheeks lightly flushed and in her hands, an empty wine glass that she was holding dangerously loose.
“Do you need a top up?” He asked, picking up an open bottle of white next to the sink.
“If you wouldn’t mind.” She smiled, tilting her head. “Oh you’re a star, Jamie.”
He let out a slight chuckle. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t bring himself to hate her. Not when she brought Jim so much joy, and when she was actually a pretty decent person.
“That’s me. You enjoying the whole thing?”
“Well, you know, as much as you can. I’m not sure about the fireworks and everything, but I’m excited for next year. And it’s great to see everyone.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“How have you been?” She put a hand on his arm, looking him in the eye. “We don’t get to talk that much.
Jamie couldn’t help but look down at her hand, it felt as if it was burning itself into his skin.
“You know, I’ve been alright. Let’s just hope next year will be better, right?”
Julie let out a soft laugh, and he swore she had inched herself closer to him.
“Of course, ever the optimist. You know, I really admire that about you.” She squeezed his arm slightly, it was barely any force at all but Jamie felt as if she was digging her nails into him.
“Well, you know me, right?” He let out a dry chuckle.
“We could get to know each other better, I barely get to just talk to you.”
“True.”
“Everyone keeps talking about how you’ve been single for ages, but I don’t see why, you’re actually quite a catch.”
She went to grab his other arm, putting her wine glass down, and Jamie saw the gold band around her finger shine in the light and he managed to slip away.
“Woah, hey, Julie?” He cleared his throat, one hand gripping the countertop behind him. “No? To whatever you’re proposing, it’s a no. You’re.. you’re engaged to Jim for Christ’s sake!”
She seemed to catch up with herself and she took a step back, her cheeks flushing an even deeper red.
“Oh my god! I am so sorry, Jamie, I..” She put her hands over her face in shame. “I don’t know why I said it, I didn’t mean to.”
Jamie took a small, tentative step forward, trying to stop her apologetic rambling.
“Hey, just breathe.” He paused, his eyes flicking towards the door. “It’s okay.”
She looked up at him, her eyes wide and her posture stiffer than it was a minute ago.
“You don’t have to say that, I mean, I shouldn’t have done it. God, what would Jim say?” That thought seemed to make her panic more, and she started picking at her fingers.
Part of Jamie wanted to take advantage of the moment, to tell Jim and get him to call off the engagement, to go back to the past when wedding talk was just a far away joke. But he knew in his heart that he couldn’t. He had seen how much happier Jim had been the past couple months. It wouldn’t be worth it to throw that all away, over a seemingly honest mistake. So, he held his own selfish desires back.
“He doesn’t have to know, okay? It’s New Years, you know? There’s, like, adrenaline and alcohol in the air, right?” He iterated, making eye contact with her.
She nodded.
“I guess so,” she sighed, managing a slight smile though her eyes still were full of guilt.
The air between them was still tense, and Jamie swallowed, looking anywhere else.
At that moment, Jim came waltzing in the kitchen, humming some tune from the early 2000s. He put his arm on Julie’s shoulder and kissed the top of her head like it was the most natural thing in the world. The grip on Jamie’s heart grew even tighter.
“Do you know if Dave’s got anymore Peroni? Carl nicked the last bottle.”
“Yeah, there should be some in the fridge.”
“Thanks.” He opened it, gazing over the contents. “You want one? Lucy? Jamie?”
They both shook their heads, and Julie let out a strained chuckle, not that Jim noticed.
“Not right now, c’mon.”
The two of them left Jamie standing in the kitchen with his empty glass. He sighed, helping himself to a glass and pouring himself the same wine he gave Julie.
He couldn’t help but wonder if keeping it a secret was the best thing. He loved Jim, more than he could ever say out loud, and he wanted him to be happy, but what he found out, or Julie eventually told him? What kind of friend would Jamie seem like then?
He swallowed and headed back into the main room, wearing a weathered smile on his face.
When the countdown sounded, he tried to force himself to look at the TV and the awaiting fireworks display. But just as it struck midnight, he caught himself turning to Jim, just as he pulled in to kiss his fiancée.
Jamie thought about the upcoming months, resolutions, hopes and possibilities. The ticking clock in his head wasn’t silenced by the end of the year, it seemed to be getting louder. He’d been burying the truths, and it seemed like he’d be burying another one to start the new year. With all the planning, and booking for the wedding, Jim didn’t need anything ruining that. Jamie would remain his constant, like he always had. He’d stand by his side, write his best man's speech, help plan out the stag do, attend the wedding, and do whatever was in his power to make sure his friend remained happy.
He wouldn’t complain, he wouldn’t do anything to mess it up. He wouldn’t drown himself in self-pity, spending another night moaning to himself about his monotonous life. He wouldn’t let people talk about him being single for yet another year, begging to set him up with their cousin’s friend’s brother.
There was only one person’s life that mattered this year.
Flashes of green, red and gold lit up the small television screen. Everyone watched the display, some commenting on how beautiful it was, some muttering about how much it must have cost. Jamie turned to see Jim and Julie with their arms around each other, and to see that Julie was looking at him with a look that made something twist uncomfortably in his gut. He finished his wine in one quick swallow.
Happy fucking new year to him.