Work Text:
Why are people so obsessed with cops? no really, what is it about them? they barely do their job and half of them don’t even care to pretend they are there for anything else than the free donuts – Petey knows as much because he spent most of his young adulthood running from them, he thinks of the other people who dedicate their lives to service, like nurses or firefighters, and how people rarely ever care to give them as much attention as they give cops when they do way more than them – he thinks most people have this weird reverence for them that never comes with the expectations to match, it makes it all the more upsetting when everyone seem to care so much about what Greg does every day, even when people have this idea that there are those amongst us who have to always be willing to sacrifice so the less fortunate can have that which we are unable to provide them, kind souls whose life’s work is charity and boring stuff like that, and they are more forgiving to those “saints” that than they are with Dogman – it's always, Dogman this or Dogman that, god forgives the man wants to take his husband on a date because suddenly its everyone’s business and someone always has to come up to them looking all angry; just to say “Why aren't you out there saving the city?” – Petey thinks it is stupid, he thinks it’s stupid of people to expect Dogman to work on Christmas, because Greg has a life, he has a husband he needs to kiss and a kid he needs to play with, so the people of Ohkay can take care of themselves for today.
Petey will get to enjoy a good Christmas dinner with his husband, even if he has to act like a villain and “kidnap” the hybrid from work; and for the record it wasn't even a kidnapping, he simply went to the police station, possibly blew off the ceiling from the building (You can’t prove he did because right now its back at its place, as good as new), and told Greg to “Get inside the giant mechanic bug right now” if it had been a kidnapping he would have used his kidnaping googles, and he would have said something with more glamour than just “Get in” he would have also made sure to practice his lines so his voice wouldn’t have cracked mid sentence and he wouldn’t have had to put the ceiling back in its place just so he could start all over again – and he doesn’t think it counts as kidnapping because he even made sure to bake some of Greg’s favorite cookies (the chewy ones with the peanut butter chips) so the dog jumped inside of the bug on his own will, ergo: NOT A KIDNAPPING!! (Haw, Haw) the only possible crime Petey could have committed was snatching Greg’s radio and throwing it off the bug, and even then he made sure to turn it on to make a very clear point of how it unfortunately slipped off his hands.
“Oh no my hands are so slippery today, I'm sorry Greg I don't think I can hold onto it… Oh nooooooo”
So on a legal level he is innocent, and Chief’s desperate pleas of “Don’t you dare Petey the cat” and “Put that radio down Petey, the station needs Dogman today or the mayor is going to cut my holiday bonus!” were not legally binding in any way.
“Hey… handsome”
“Is that supposed to be flirting?”
Greg laughed, it was a sincere chuckle, something short but noticeably happy.
“What?”
“Nothing, nothing… I'm just happy to see you”
Petey was sure Greg was nervous, he had all the signs, the laugh, the way his eyes avoided him – he had scrolled through that romance forum yesterday and was convinced he had chosen what he deemed the best from the place – he had even made a graph comparing with other forums and looking for what was publicly deemed the best line for the exact context in which he found himself right now, granted the closest you can get to giant mecha bug was driving on a toyota corolla to the dentist, but it was still good enough… maybe.
“This was fun Petey, but I have to get back to work”
“What? No, I need you to help me cook dinner”
“You can manage just fine on your own”
“Maybe, but then I won’t have anyone to try all the food and tell me if it’s good”
Greg’s ears shot straight up.
“Ok, but you know I'll have to take you to work tomorrow right?”
“Why? want a… uhh, piece of eye, uhm candy, for the day”
Greg laughed once again, this only proved that his graph was even better than he expected, it also meant he would have to do more investigation on toyota corollas, and air fryers.
“Sure, but I'll have to put you in the cell so I don't eat you whole the moment I get hungry”
“Oh…”
“I am still a cop Petey”
“You are my husband, that’s what you are… won’t you have a bit of compassion for your own husband? What will people say? What will you tell Lp when he asks for his papa?”
“It will only be a night Petey, and I have paperwork to do tomorrow so I'll stay with you untill morning”
“What about Lil Petey?”
“we can arrange for Lil Petey to go to flippy's”
“It's a date then”
“Sure is”
“Also, do you have any more of those cookies?”
It was all worth it, because having his family together on Christmas was important (at least important enough for him to risk adding a new felony charge on his record) and it was all because he cared, and speaking of caring, what a best way to showing his caring nature than to cook the perfect Christmas dinner, because that is what people do, they cook scientifically perfect dinners for their loved ones and then the whole family cries from how good it is, and they all say sorry to Petey for not having listened to him more in the past, and then they all agree they will always behave and let Petey be the undisputed ruler of the house and listen to him no matter what “that” is what christmas and caring and all of that is about – Petey is willing to bet that on a list of how good every person in the world is at doing christmas; he was on the top one spot – which is a lot considering this will be the first proper Christmas Petey will celebrate in almost a decade, and the first one he would have with his new family – some days he couldn't even believe it has been a year since he moved in with Greg, he remembers how big of a deal it had been for him and Greg, truth be told he was even more excited for it than Lil Petey, but that was to be expected since Petey had moved in and out for a while now so the novelty of it all had been worn off for the chaotic mind of that child, and this would also be his first christmas in his new home, something they were equally excited for – and that also means the dinner has to be perfect, and everyone had to help in order for it to be so.
The thing with Greg and cooking tends to be finicky, the mutt isn't bad at it, but he tends to be eager, too eager – he has good technique, he doesn't have an issue following a recipe and sometimes he even improves upon things with with his own ideas, but as soon as a recipe dares to mention the word “vigorously” (or any variation of it) Greg becomes a machine with a proclivity of putting in the ceiling things that should be on a bowl – and whenever high heat was involved he always managed to make the stove go hotter than it should be capable of (Petey was still looking into how it is that he did that every time) so the solution was easy, Greg would be in charge of the oven and would stay away from any kind of sauce and or liquid that required to be mixed, Petey would be in charge of the stove and the cutting board, finally 80HD would be in charge of all sauces and doughs (Petey had to make use of that one mixer module he installed on the robot a month ago) – in conclusion his plan was perfect, there was nothing he failed to take into account nothing and no one.
“What will I do?”
“What?”
“I said, what will I do papa?”
“You are going to go play in the living room”
“But I want to help”
“Why?”
“Because it looks fun”
“Why?”
“Because Dogman and 80HD will help you and they are my best friends”
“Why?”
“Because they are”
“Why?”
“Hehehe… you are funny papa”
“I am?”
“Of course papa!”
“I mean… of course I am!”
“Does that mean I can help?”
“suuuureeeee”
There was a change of plans sure, but that doesn’t mean Petey's perfect plan had been ruined, he just had to make sure to find something easy enough for the kid to do, something tedious enough that he would end up getting bored and let them work in peace, he could make the kid look at the ham with Greg, but having him that close to the oven didn’t seem like the best idea – he could have him work on the bread with 80HD, but he would rather not risk having some kind of crunchy surprise in his bread, maybe he could let him cut vegetables with him, he still had those kid’s knifes; the ones made of plastic – yes, that was good enough for now.
“You are cutting vegetables with me”
“Ohhhh, do I get to use the big knife?”
“No, you are using the plastic ones”
“Why can’t I use the big one? It would make things faster”
“It’s dangerous for you to be using those, and the big one you are talking about is my japanese steel knife… it was twenty bucks online, twenty-five with delivery, so no way im letting you use it”
“It’s important to share papa, sometimes I also don’t want to share my nicer toys, but it is the right thing to do”
“My knife is not a toy! now go find your plastic knife, it’s there next to the juicer”
As Petey expected things were still on course, everything was going the way it should and in only two hours they would all sit around the table and enjoy a dinner that no one else in Ohkay would even get close to, he would even use one of those ugly sweaters as tradition dictated, he would give an amazing speech to commemorate the dinner, then he would tell everyone a piece of wisdom related to family and the importance of spending Christmas together.
Soon Petey had begun wandering around the kitchen, rehearsing his speech for himself while he walked in circles, this of course was important since he didn’t want to repeat the incident from earlier that day (If he learned something from being a villain is that you can’t give a speech without the theatrics to match) and without realizing it he even got on top of the counter top and began reciting everything he had memorized, talking about how it was important they made every food from scratch since it means they have maintained the culture surrounding Christmas in their very own small way – and also that one anecdote about the personal Grudge he had with those people who had insisted he donated to them after singing the laziest rendition of the twelve days of Christmas he had ever heard, and they even got mad when he asked them what the donation was for, and them just said it was “For the poor” did not make it for him, what did that even mean?, because he sure as hell didn’t saw anything related to any of Ohkays homeless shelters, and one of those guys even had designer gloves on (That didn’t even match with his trenchcoat) so no, he wouldn't donate anything to them, and why would they even ask him, does he look like he would fall for a scam like this? Then they even had the gull of calling him scrooge, so it was totally justified when he used his portable laser ray to zap their donation box.
“Papa”
“And I am sure they have been following me around every time I go for groceries, the other day I even found a drawing of me eating kids and kicking puppies, they drew me dressed with the clothes of Scrooge in that one muppet movie, well at least it was the muppets one and not that ugly one from the eighties, BUT THEY GOT MY STIPES WRONG!”
“Papa!”
“What!”
“Something is on fire”
Petey’s potato pure had managed to somehow set on fire in the ten minutes or so he looked away from it, well it was more likely a result of the excessive amounts of butter he had used in the making of it, the fire had even extended to most of the food on the stove, so now half of it was inedible – but Petey could work around this , most of the food that burned were merely side dishes, the kind people don't really care as much, like those mashed potatoes, who would come into a Christmas dinner just to ask, “Where are the mashed potatoes?” no one, that was the answer (the mac and cheese is another history tho) – he could still manage just fine with the ham and the lamb chops in the oven, he could even rig up something fast like a salad if it wasn’t enough, it would be all right as long as Greg maintained the oven in order and 80HD took care of the most important part of the dinner, 80HD was still working just as expected, and Gregory, where is Gregory?
“Lil petey”
“Yes papa?”
“Where is Greg?”
“I’m not supposed to tell you that papa”
“Why?”
“It’s a secret”
“What?”
“A secret is when you swear not to tell something papa”
“I know what a secret is, but why would this be a secret!”
“It wouldn’t be a secret if I told you that papa”
“I’ll go look for him, don’t touch anything while I'm gone!”
Perfect, this is just what Petey needed, the stupid dog had probably felt guilty for bailing out on his job, he can still remember how a bunch of strangers swarmed Greg just a week ago while they were doing their Christmas shopping, and some of them were crying and saying stuff like “How will we celebrate if you aren’t there to make sure we are all safe?” and then “Dogman, what will we do if Petey the cat decides to steal Christmas again!” That wasn’t even him! That was the Grinch! Petey looks nothing like the Grinch, he never made an evil plan related to ruining Christmas, some of his inventions even happened to be Christmas themed (like his mecha sleight two-thousand with laser canons) they took an hour to get rid of those people, all thanks to Petey’s wits as he told everyone they were giving free bagels at the bagel store, that had been more than enough to make the crowd go running in the opposite direction – but he knew it was too late already, because Greg had that expression, the one he makes just before he steals a piece of stake that was meant for the dinner, the one that tells Petey his husband will do something that will make him extremely angry.
Breaking into the police stations twice in a day might be too much for even the best lawyer to reasonably justify, but it was all Greg’s fault anyways, he would have to be the one to deal with the legal repercussions that came with his irresponsible actions, he would also have to deal with the repercussions of damaging Petey’s public image (Creating your own robotic PR team wasn’t cheap!) This time before breaking in Petey made sure to spend a good five minutes rehearsing his (not evil) speech, and just as he was ready to make his next grand entrance a message interrupted him.
Greg: Please do not break into the police station again
Greg: I’m not even there
Me: WHERE ARE U!?!?
Greg: Can’t tell you yet
Me: >:(((
Greg: Sorry :(
This did it, Petey would have to pull out the big guns.
“Here, take this and go find Greg”
80HD proceeded to shake his body in a very clear denial of his request.
“You can’t say no to me, I created you!”
“We both promised to not tell you Papa”
“Great, this house is full of traitors!”
“Don’t Worry papa, Dogman will be here any minute”
“I need him here right now!”
It was days like this when Petey regret not having put that tracker on Greg’s collar, it just had to be the one time he had decided to remember the words of that prison mandated therapist about personal relationships and trust, to this day he still isn’t sure if the man was a real therapist (with how faulty Ohkay's prison system tended to be) – when Greg got home he would make sure to not bake any sweets or rub his belly for a whole month, well, maybe just a couple of days; since he can’t stand his husband being sad for too long or he gets sad too, and maybe he just wouldn’t bake sweets for him, because cutting down on their cuddling time was also a bit of a punishment for Petey, and with all the stress of today he would surely need extra cuddles tonight, but he would be sure to make it clear how angry he was while cuddling, the important part right now was that Petey needed to finish the dinner no matter what, with or without Greg by his side.
The ham burned, and so did the lamb, and anything that didn’t burn now tasted too bitter for anyone to really enjoy – this was a disaster, most of the dinner had been ruined and the only thing that was still intact was his special fruit cake, a heirloom recipe that his mom had passed to him in his childhood, everyone knows the fruit cake is the dessert after dinner, not the side dish, and the main course, and everything else, you can’t make a Christmas dinner with just fruit cake!
“Why didn’t you turn off the oven!”
“You told me not to touch anything papa”
“I didn’t mean you should just let everything burn!”
“You were very clear with your instructions”
“And this had to be the one time that you listened to me?”
“I'm trying to stay on Santa's good list!”
“Great! what will we eat for dinner now?”
“We can order a pizza!”
“Pizza isn’t a christmas dinner”
“Yes it is”
“No it isn’t”
“This was supposed to be our first Christmas dinner as a family! and now it's ruined”
“It’s okay papa, what matters is that we are all here together”
“Dogman isn’t even here!”
“Yes he is”
A warm tongue ran up Petey’s face, followed by a soft bark from Greg.
“Where have you been?”
“I went to get something for you”
“Well thanks I guess”
“I’m sorry Petey, I had planned on getting out from work earlier and pick it up before coming home, but with everything that happened I didn’t have time to do that, my only option was to sneak out while we were cooking”
“I thought you had bailed on us to go work”
“Yeah, I assumed as much when Lil Petey called to tell me you had gone out of the house to look for me”
“The food burned without anyone looking over it”
“We can order a pizza”
“Pizza isn’t a Christmas dinner”
“It’s Christmas dinner if we are all here to enjoy it”
“You are a bad influence for Lil Petey”
“Haha”
Gregory got close to Petey, first licking over his lips gently, like asking for permission, then he gave the cat a peck on the lips, something slow and sweet, just as sweet as the kiss that followed, and Petey was still angry, but right now a hug from his husband was better than sulking about his plan not going the way he wanted.
“You should open your gift”
Petey did, taking the box off of his husband’s hands and breaking the wrapper with his claws, it was a small box, nothing big or flashy, maybe the size of a watermelon at most – inside there was a book, or rather an album, it had been clearly decorated by Lil Petey, but he could also see drawings and stickers made by other people, inside there was all kinds of things, photos of Petey with his family, drawings and comics from Lil Petey about his dad, letters from all kinds of people in Ohkay city, all of them talking about Petey, detailing stories about him and sharing all manner of wishes for him and his family, it was heavy, and every page inside of it was filled with memories he had made this year, most of them he didn’t even remember, at the end of it all there was a photo, a family photo where two small kittens and an older cat smiled in front of a camera, it was him, Big Jim, and his mom.
“Where did you even get this?”
“Big Jim gave it to us, he asked me to wish you a happy Christmas too”
“How did you even make this?”
“Well, it was all Lil Petey’s idea, we started working on it at the beginning of the month… I had to run all around the city to get something from all of our friends, chief even helped me to go collect some of the stuff”
“Why… I mean, why would they all do that for me”
“Because they care about you Petey, we all do”
“I didn’t even think you would get me a gift, at least not something so personal”
“Well, it is still not complete”
“What do you mean? What else could you even add to this?”
Greg took out a camera from another box, then he called for Lil Petey and 80HD.
“Are we doing the thing?”
“Yes, now get ready for the photo”
“Ok dogman”
They all proceeded to get next to Petey, all of them hugging him and smiling as they looked to the camera, there was a click, then the camera produced a photo, a photo where Lil Petey smiled too wide and you could see the space where a couple of his teeth should be, a photo where 80HD wrapped their arms around everyone and one of his hands peeked behind Greg’s head (making a funny sign) a photo where Greg’s tongue was sticking out as he tightly held on Petey’s hand, a photo where Petey laughed and a couple of tears could be seen falling down his cheek.
“Merry Christmas Petey”
“Merry Christmas Papa”
A bell rang out from within 80HD, the robot opened his body and from inside he grabbed a perfect fruit cake, it was so perfect it shinned, in fact it shined too much, and then it was shining more and more, Petey quickly noticed and tried to get away, but everyone was still hugging him, then the next moment the cake exploded, covering them all in sweet tradition.
“I will order a pizza”
“Can we order it with anchovies papa?”
“You won’t even like them kid”
“But I want to try it!”
“We can order one half with anchovies”
“Thanks papa”
Greg sniffed at Petey, then his ear shot up and he began to lick his face, to be more accurate, he began to eat the cake.
“Hey! stop it, that’s gro- puagh, not in the mouth Greg! not unless it’s a proper kiss”
Soon they were all sitting in front of the chimney, eating pizza and taking cake from Petey’s sweater, all of them having their first Christmas dinner as a family, laughing and playing as the night went by, and tomorrow they would have to take a very long bath and clean the whole kitchen from top to bottom, but today was Christmas, and it was alright for their first Christmas together.