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I feel like a reanimated corpse most days, in fact I've felt like one this entire year. My mantra has become "I just need to get through today", but I never really get through it. The day just comes and then it goes and then I'm trying to get through it all over again. And my way of getting through it is just to put off every little action that could contribute towards making better life decisions, ignore everything, pretend I have nothing to do for so long that I end up forgetting I ever did.
My way of doing that is to lay in bed, cocooned safely within my own head because doing anything else feels like stepping willfully on a landmine.
So time passes and the world moves on and yet I stay the same, inert and unchanging, like a butterfly pinned and preserved by the consequences of my own inaction. As soon as I know it, another week has passed, then a month. One month becomes two, two months become four, four months become the whole damn year. One year becomes two, I get older but I do not get wiser. My body grows, I age but it is not enough to motivate my brain to grow, too. I am 21 but I still feel 14.
Every given period ends, and I'm still stewing in my own fear and mistakes and anxiety and despondency like it's a sweater I can't take off lest I get too cold and freeze to death. But I already feel dead.
Time pushes forward and I'm like, What the hell, sure.
I just don't know where to go from here, every week I say it and then I even pray about it. I tell God, give me the courage and the will to get my shit together. I never quite get around to doing it, I think I've forgotten how that even feels like. How it feels to have things in order, to know what you want and the steps you must take to get there. How it feels to even begin to want to have that stability in the first place. I've begun to think I don't deserve it anyway. I'm not even mad at God for not helping me out because I can't even help myself, I've lost that instinct.
I've plunged deeper into that weird liminal space where it's like you're going through a depressive episode, but you've also been in it for so long that its become your perpetual state of mind. There is no coming and going, no highs and lows, it's just you and the sad axis in which your days orbit. It got worse after Christmas, and I've been sitting in it throughout the week, and now I'm still putting things off til the very end.
And now the new year is almost here and I'm getting all antsy and then also deeply depressed like I always do around this time. I start getting superstitious, like, Oh this year ended badly so the next one is gonna be twice as bad. Blah blah, useless words. I'm trying to remind myself that it's just a calendar year, it's just time, what truly matters (as cliche as it is) is what you do with it.
But it's so fucking hard to put that kinda thinking into action. So, I'm just gonna try to get through this week. Then, we'll see about the rest.