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Kendal has learned how to deal with a lot of different things. He can't say he enjoys fighting, but he's certainly quite adept at it, and he's come a long way in the communication department from those first few days on the road with Alinua and the rocky conversation with the mayor of Windscrest. He's fought gods, and rescued one, too, and yet as he hovers at the edge of the party meant to celebrate him, he doesn't know what to do.
He's not used to wearing such fancy clothes. The shirt feels so restrictive, even though he knows it fits right—there's no way he'd be able to properly swordfight if he needed to wearing this. He didn't have to leave his sword behind, so he at least has its comforting weight on his back, but it can't erase the unease bubbling under his skin.
Everyone's so happy here, celebrating Kendal's successful rescue of Vash with rather ostentatious clothing and little fizzy drinks. Vash seems to be having a good time in his new body, at least, although it's somewhat hard to tell with all the people flocked around him. The city they're currently in—Kendal can't remember its name at the moment, there's too many things going on to keep track of everything—has had good relations with Vash for a long, long time, so when Kendal and his friends had stopped by with Vash traveling along with them, their god had wasted no time in organizing and inviting them to a lavish celebration.
It feels hollow. Only two days ago, Vash and Kendal had done the ritual to sever Vash's citizens' connection to their god, allowing them to rest after Vash had determined there was no way to bring back his beloved city. How could Kendal accept all this praise for his so-called victory when he hadn't been able to save any of Vash's citizens?
Kendal spots Erin laughing with a group of local mages, and the corners of Kendal's mouth twitch upwards ever so slightly. Erin's in his element here, talking to all these people in such a formal environment. Kendal's glad at least someone's enjoying this whole production; it would be a shame if the city's god had put so much effort into making a nice celebration only for them all to be miserable. Knowing Tess, she's probably having a great time telling some people about her various exploits in some other part of the room.
Kendal wishes he could focus on enjoying everything and feel as happy as Erin looks, but laying an entire city to rest isn't something that's easy to forget.
Kendal is idly adjusting the sleeves of his shirt in an attempt to make them feel more comfortable on his arms when he looks up to see Vash standing in front of him.
"Is everything okay?" Vash asks, tilting his head to the side as he examines Kendal's demeanor.
Kendal shrugs. In comparison to pretty much any other time in his existence, everything is okay. No one is fighting off the Primordial embodiment of evil, no one is seeking to save Primordial life and kill the entire world she created, and no one in Kendal's immediate vicinity is in danger. Everyone is smiling and having a good time—even Vash, who is at long last standing in front of Kendal, in a new incarnation, free from the Collector's prison. Kendal can't quite seem to be as happy as everyone else clearly is, though.
"Maybe you're just not in the mood for a party? There are a lot of people here." Vash pauses. "Have you tried any of the food? The cake is wonderful."
The continuous murmur of various conversations around the room reminds him of hearing the citizens of Vash in his head when he'd first set out to rescue Vash with Alinua. The character of the sounds couldn't be more different—casual, cheerful conversation taking the place of the panicked cries of the dead—but once Kendal makes the connection, he can't seem to let it go.
"I failed," Kendal says, putting the thought into words for the first time since the ritual. Vash, who had just taken a bite of the cake he'd been recommending, sets the food aside.
"What do you mean?" Vash asks. "You saved me."
"I couldn't save your people."
Vash's face falls. "I never asked that of you. They were gone before you even existed."
"I know."
There's a long silence before Vash asks, "Do you remember Natalia?"
This close to Vash, it's fairly easy to retrieve the god's memories. "She ran a little bakery, right?"
Vash nods. It's slightly disconcerting to see him look so serious and still—he doesn't tend to enjoy staying in one place for very long at all, and even after all the Collector did, he still has a generally cheerful disposition. He's taking the moment to remember with Kendal, though, thinking back to all the people the Collector killed to achieve her own ends.
The party's still loud all around them, but it's almost as if they're in their own little bubble, separated from the revelers by the people only the two of them remember. Eventually, Kendal can't take it anymore. All this celebration, meant for him when a whole city is dead... but hadn't Vash suffered enough that he deserved to just enjoy himself?
"I'm sorry to bring down the mood," Kendal says.
Vash shakes his head, and his familiar confidence seeps back into his posture. "I've had plenty of time to grieve. It's nice to remember."
Not long after, Kendal excuses himself and lets himself walk outside, away from the noise and oppressively happy atmosphere. It's easier to think in the open air, and he finds himself beginning to relax as he takes his time to sort through his thoughts. The stars don’t pressure him to laugh or smile as he starts walking around the outside of the building everyone's gathered in. After a minute or so of walking in soothing quiet, he rounds a corner only to stumble across Alinua, who's deep in focus growing some kind of flower.
"Kendal! I wasn't expecting to see you out here," she says, startling before turning to face him. "Are you alright?"
"I just needed to clear my head." Kendal sits down next to Alinua. "Are you okay?"
"I'm still not used to being around so many people." She starts growing another flower, vibrant petals appearing in her hands after only a few moments.
For a while, they don't say anything more; they just sit together in silence, enjoying the cool night air. Alinua grows various small plants, and Kendal watches them bloom and disappear as Alinua starts working on the next. He's still thinking about Vash's people, but it's easier to sit with the weight of it all with Alinua beside him. Vash had been a help too, but despite their connection, it's still an adjustment to get used to his physical presence after Kendal has spent his entire life trying to rescue Vash. Kendal's used to Alinua; he knows her. She's the first person he ever met as himself, and she was there for him before he'd even had a name. Even if Kendal doesn't know her in the same way that Vash knew his citizens—even if there are still things Kendal hasn't yet found out about, and things she'll never end up telling him—she's the first person who made Kendal feel less alone. (He thinks back to their conversation when he'd first confessed to that terrible loneliness and smiles as he remembers how Alinua had leaned against his shoulder and welcomed him to personhood.)
"Do you think if I'd gotten to Vash sooner, we could have saved his city?" Kendal asks, breaking the silence.
Alinua takes her time with the question before shaking her head. "I don't think so. They died when the Collector attacked; I don't think even my connection to Life could have saved them after that. And we got to Vash as fast as we could, anyway."
Her point makes sense. Mortals can't just come back from the dead; that's what makes them mortal. "Why do I still feel like I should have been able to save them?" He knows the answer. He's gotten used to emotions by now, and he's well aware that they don't always make logical sense.
Alinua smiles, but there's a sadness to it that Kendal wishes she didn't have to carry. "Why do I still feel like I should have been able to figure out what was going on with Falst and Jolon sooner? We're all just doing our best." She shrugs.
Kendal knows that's true. After all, he'd never blamed Alinua for being fooled by Jolon—Jolon had managed to fool an entire town, after all—and he'd never blamed Dainix for hurting him in the arena, and he'd never blamed Erin for the times he lost control to the Void Dragon. They were all doing their best. Still, there's a part of Kendal that points out that all of the others had lives before their quests; none of them came into existence for the sole purpose of saving Vash. Of course they weren't perfect, because they existed for other reasons, but Kendal should have been perfect.
A part of Kendal that sounds like his friends—that sounds like the citizens of Vash—objects. Kendal knows he's more than Vash's tool; he's learned that and taught it to himself over and over again. Still, he's never had to live without the quest to save Vash until now. Even when they were focusing on helping Erin free himself from the Void Dragon's influence, the quest to save Vash was always in the back of his mind. "What do you want to do now that this is all over?"
The flower Alinua is growing suddenly grows thorns before wilting away. "I don't know."
Kendal offers his hand, and Alinua takes it. Kendal doesn't always have the words to comfort others, or even to express his own thoughts, and he prefers to stay quiet until he knows what he wants to say, but he's figured out that touch can be helpful to remind Alinua of how far she's come from her exile. "It still feels weird to have to be a person."
To his surprise, a smile creeps onto Alinua's face. "Welcome to being a person. I don't think anyone has ever fully figured it out." She pauses. "And you have less practice than most. You'll get there. You have a lot of people on your side."
Erin. Falst. Dainix. Tess. Vash. Alinua herself, as she shifts closer to Kendal and pulls him into a hug. They're all on his side, and being a person seems a lot less intimidating when he thinks of having all his friends around him as he keeps figuring it out.
Since Vash is a city god (or, at least, he was—no one's quite sure how to think of him anymore, in such unprecedented circumstances), he hadn't been able to travel much. As amazing as some of Vash's memories are, there's not much scenic variation in them. "Maybe we could keep traveling for a bit? Give Vash a chance to see the world before he starts trying to found a new city?"
"I like traveling with you," Alinua says. "It's what got me out of that tree, after all."
"I like traveling with you, too," Kendal replies, relishing the simplicity of it. So many people seem determined to complicate their relationships with others with labels and all sorts of rituals that Kendal's never understood the appeal of, but Kendal's always been happy with the straightforward idea of enjoying another's company. "I'm glad you were willing to leave your tree."
"It was scary," Alinua says, her face still tucked against Kendal's shoulder. "But I guess a lot of worthwhile things are."
"Yeah," Kendal says, closing his eyes and taking a breath to appreciate the moment. "I think you're right about that."
The loss of Vash's citizens still burns in his chest, but there's a gentler warmth there, too. It doesn't erase the pain, but it makes the hurt easier to bear. It shows him that there are ways to live outside of the constant fighting and worry, and tells him that he won't have to be alone as he finds out how to live without the only purpose he's ever known.
Kendal gives Alinua a squeeze before pulling out of the hug and standing up. "I'm going to go thank the city god for their hospitality. You can stay out here, if you want."
Alinua shakes her head. "I'll go with you." She stands up and brushes herself off.
Kendal smiles gratefully. "Thank you."
Alinua smiles back, and together, they head back inside to find the rest of their group (and Kendal thinks he might try the cake that Vash recommended once they do).