Archive of Our Own

The quiet would’ve been pleasant if Doppo weren’t scrambling to get ready for work. Five missed alarms send him flying out of bed, slamming his head on the headboard and cracking his phone screen in the tumble. “Goddammit…!” His temper simmers, but he can’t afford to explode when he’s racing against the clock. Tap, tap, tap. Still functional. He should be able to do his job with it. He probably won’t get fired. More importantly, where is his good shirt? And where the hell is his briefcase? Every morning has its hurdles, but each hurdle has been taking ten times longer to hop over as of late.

By some miracle, he finds his briefcase with the contents intact. He dresses himself without tearing a sleeve or ripping off a button. At this rate, he should be able to make it to the 6:45 train, but when has his commute ever gone smoothly? As he runs out of his room, he rushes by the dining table and—

—it’s empty.

Usually there would be a plate wrapped in plastic, if not a fresh meal off the stove. Courtesy of Hifumi, of course. To be frank, Doppo typically skips breakfast so he can book it for the subway, but Hifumi insists that he put something in his stomach. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!” he says. “Gotta boost your energy for all that tickity-tacking you do on the computer!”

But Hifumi isn’t home. He hasn’t been for a while. Vaguely, Doppo remembers Hifumi mentioning that he left food in the fridge. Should he heat something up? The seconds are ticking.

Argh. Screw it. He grabs whatever he can and munches. Tsukemono, cold but tasty. Not the ideal way to be eating it, but it’ll keep him standing. Hifumi would approve of that.

Brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr!

The ringing of his phone disrupts his meal, causing the cucumber he’s chewing to lodge itself in his throat. Cough, cough! Wheeze! Cough! Hack! Cough! Airway cleared, it’s his blood pressure that acts up next.

“Seriously?! The office isn’t fucking open yet.” Doppo curses his boss, manifesting a million and one deaths to that bald bastard—and shuts up once he recognizes the caller ID. A part of him hesitates to answer. But he does answer.

“Gooooood morning, Doppopopo!” Hifumi's voice blares from the other side. It's not on speaker.

“Do you know what time it is?” The guilt strikes as soon as Doppo snaps. He hasn’t heard Hifumi’s voice in days, and this is the first thing he says to him? God, what kind of a friend is he?

While he may be an awful friend, Hifumi is an amazing one. “Yeppers, six-twenty AM! Rise and shine, Doppers~ Work’s a callin’!”

“I know,” Doppo groans. “I’m up.”

“Whoa, what? Really? Didn’t you say your alarms were out of whack?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you have to give me a wake-up call.”

“And let that baldie bite your head off again? Fat chance! Hifumin’s gonna give you a ring if your alarms can’t!”

“I woke up!”

“Thanks to moi~” says Hifumi, claiming credit for absolutely nothing. “Hey, did you have breakfast?”

The cucumber tingles on Doppo’s tongue. “I did, yeah.”

“We love to hear it! You’re gonna be in tip-top shape! FYI, there’s some bentos in the back of the fridge. Bring one for lunch!”

Damn. He would’ve completely forgotten about lunch if Hifumi hadn’t said anything. “I’ve got it.”

All that’s missing is the furoshiki, deftly arranged by Hifumi’s hands. Doppo can’t recall where the furoshiki are, nor can he spare effort to search, so he shoves it into his bag.

“Um, also, thanks for breakfast,” Doppo says, savoring the tsukemono’s tartness. He dumps the Tupperware in the sink to be dealt with later. Gratitude will have to compensate for his bad manners. “It was great as always.”

“‘Course! Hifumin never does anything less~”

Doppo snorts, but he won’t refute it. There’s no one else like Hifumi. Unlike him, who can be replaced by any other poor sap. “Right. Listen, I’ve got to get going. Thanks again.”

“Okie dokie, see you later!”

That gets Doppo to pause. Without a thought, he asks, “You’re coming home?”

Christ alive. Could he be more clingy? Hifumi’s last stay was only three days ago, he shouldn’t be behaving like a kid who’s lost his mom.

“Uh-huh, someone’s gotta make sure the apartment’s in one piece.” Then, as if it’s of any significance to Doppo, Hifumi adds, “Plus Gentarocchi is gonna be on a trip with his posse this week. They’re leaving this afternoon!”

“Okay,” Doppo says, because what else can he say? “See you.”

With a press of a button, the quiet returns. A quiet that turns three days into three weeks. A quiet that emphasizes how hollow home is. A quiet that’s too quiet.

The changing digits on his phone’s clock chastise him. Stifling the apprehension building up, Doppo plunges into Shinjuku’s cacophony.

Call ended. Hifumi contemplates his screen, wishing that it hadn’t. He’s been texting Doppo here and there, yeah, but it’s been a hot minute since he talked to him—voice to voice, face to face. No matter how busy they got, they’d manage to cross paths when he concludes his shift and Doppo starts his, but recently, they can barely squeeze in a “Hey, what’s up?”

No one’s to blame for it. Everything had happened so fast, is all. Operating on opposite schedules doesn’t allow for much overlap to begin with, but then Doppo mustered up the courage to ask Jakurai out (Yay!), and then Hifumi got entangled with a certain liar (Yay?), and long story short: lots of drama (Yay), and the next thing Hifumi knew, Doppo’s manning their place solo while he’s sprucing up a rinky-dink apartment in Shibuya.

“…Have you any idea of the hour?”

Lying beside Hifumi is the reason he hasn’t been home—and doesn’t mind being away from home. Gentaro sounds as groggy as he is disgruntled, and if he weren’t facing away, Hifumi totally would’ve seen wrinkles on his brow. Sooo not cute.

“Six-twenty AM! Funny, Doppo asked that, too,” Hifumi says, tossing his phone to the side so he can get back to cuddling.

The big spoon to Gentaro’s little spoon, he wraps his arms around Gentaro and rids the remaining space between them. Lining the length of Gentaro’s necks are violet blooms, remnants of their private affairs, and Hifumi traces them with butterfly kisses. Gentaro grunts in response, but he doesn’t push him away either. Progress!

“And why must you be calling Kannonzaka-san so early?”

“I wanted to make sure he got to work on time.”

Gentaro turns to Hifumi. He squints at him, both sleepy and irritated. “Are you his mother?”

“Nope, I’m his bestie!” says Hifumi, simple as that.

“Should you be coddling him so? He is nearly thirty years of age.”

“Age doesn’t have anything to do with bogus alarms!” Hifumi counters, saying, “B-T-Dubs, you coddle Ramuda and Dice!”

“‘Coddle’? Don’t be absurd. I merely treat Ramuda in accordance with his childish behavior. As for Dice, he is the stray cat we discovered on the streets. You see, he was but a mangy thing when we stumbled upon him. How pitiful he was, on the brink of death! Yet with love and care, our Dice was able to thrive, and our efforts eventually granted him the ability to transform into a human.”

“Ha! ‘Love and care’? More like ‘food and money’!” That’s a Certified Yumeno Gentaro Tall Tale, all right.

“I hardly loan him that much.”

“He’s fifty thousand yen in debt.”

Gentaro hums. “A hundred thousand, actually.”

“What?! I paid half of it off!”

“That, you did. Then that half and more went back into his pocket and astray at the horse tracks.”

“Sheesh! We should put a tracker on Dicchi’s bills.” Not that it’d stop Dice from losing bets. But it’d be hilarious to see where he crashed out. “Anyways, what d’ya want for breakfast?”

In spite of his nonchalance, Gentaro’s arm lingers across his waist as Hifumi sits up. “Oho? Getting up already?”

“Yep, yep! Gotta make the most of our morning before you head off to Sapporo.”

“We needn’t do anything special.”

“You’re kidding! My Gentarocchi’s leaving me, we can’t not do anything!” To stress the severity of the situation, he kiss, kiss, kisses Gentaro’s cheek.

“Please.” Gentaro rolls his eyes. He’d kill him for pointing out his blush. “You’ll survive a few days without me.”

“A few days too long!”

“Not long enough, I’d say.”

“Hey!” Hifumi huffs, jabbing Gentaro in the belly. “Fine, okay. I guess you don’t want okonomiyaki.”

A split second delay. “No, not really.”

“No?”

“No, sir. I’m not hungry,” Gentaro says, burrowing into the sheets.

Act apathetic all he can, Hifumi knows he has Gentaro cornered. It’s not about if he’ll crack, it’s when. “Welp, what can we do? All that nagaimo is gonna be sitting in the fridge while you’re gone. And the tenkasu! Maaan, I got the shiso leaves you like, too!”

“Hmph. Since when did I like shiso?”

“Since a month ago!”

“I’ve no recollection of this.”

“So no okonomiyaki for Gentarocchi? Sad!”

Making a show out of it, Hifumi retracts himself from Gentaro. Rolls over to the other side of the futon. Reaches for his clothes—and that’s when he feels a tug.

“Perhaps one serving of okonomiyaki wouldn’t hurt,” says Gentaro, hiding desires under indifference. “It would be a shame to waste those ingredients.”

Hook, line, and sinker. Overcoming the layers that Gentaro conceals himself in has been Hifumi’s greatest challenge yet, but the privilege of Gentaro’s affections is his prize. “Hifumin’s Okonomiyaki Special, coming right up!”

Once he clocks in, Doppo trades in his dilemmas for headaches. His boss threatens to dock his pay for being tardy by five minutes, one of his clients berates him for a machine that they broke, and to top it off, a freaking pigeon shits on him. Halfway through his schedule, and his soul is utterly crushed. Tempted is he to skip his next location when he realizes what it is: Shinjuku Central Hospital. Maybe God is real.

At this point, Doppo could navigate his way to Jakurai’s office with glaucoma. It’s the most important route, second to the train line home. That silver-plated “Dr. Jinguji Jakurai” is his refuge in the front trenches that is business sales.

He knocks on the door, not forgetting manners even if he is one incident away from blowing up. “Good afternoon, Jakurai-san…!”

Admittedly, he still stumbles over Jakurai’s name. Blasphemy is it, someone as lowly as him unworthy of this level of intimacy, but the qualms disappear when Jakurai graces him with his presence.

“Good afternoon, Doppo-kun—oh! You have a stain on your shoulder.”

That pigeon should’ve shot him instead. “Don’t, uh. Don’t worry about it.” Doppo laughs nervously. “…By the way, would you happen to have any wipes?”

Somehow, Jakurai’s chuckle doesn’t make him implode. In fact, he doesn’t get to dwell on the humiliation when Jakurai takes it upon himself to clean his suit.

“They say it is good luck when a bird defecates on you,” Jakurai says, too fond of the tidbit. “Surprisingly, the odds of it occurring are quite rare.”

“I think I can do with being unlucky,” Doppo replies, much to Jakurai’s amusement. He can thank that pigeon for this, at least.

All cleaned up, Jakurai offers Doppo a seat next to him. “Shall we get to business, then?”

If it’s with Jakurai, Doppo doesn’t mind.

Business doesn’t feel like business when he’s with Jakurai, after all. Other clients regard him with disinterest—and at worst, disdain—but Jakurai has treated him with respect since their first meeting. “Respect.” What a farce it is in the field of corporations, a trap that serves the executives and disparages the underlings, so to hold a discussion with someone who won’t reprimand him over every single detail is a glimpse of how things should be. No stress, no worries—only him and Jakurai.

And a natto flavored snack bar.

“Let’s adjourn before we proceed with the paperwork,” says Jakurai, his outstretched hand one that Doppo wouldn’t hesitate to take—but the snack bar in it one he’d rather not. “An empty stomach is not conducive to productivity."

Doppo looks at the snack bar. At Jakurai. At the snack bar again. Bracing himself, he squeaks out, “Sounds good to me.”

Jakurai’s enthusiasm almost makes the snack enticing. As much as Doppo would like to share in Jakurai’s favorite foods, he’s satisfied with watching.

“Doppo-kun,” starts Jakurai, “would you be free this weekend?”

“I’m not sure, I’d have to check my calendar. Why do you ask?”

“I was thinking that it would be nice if we could go out. It's been a while, no?” There, Jakurai's confidence falters. “Besides… I believe I've been neglecting you.”

Witnessing Jakurai doubt himself devastates like a personal failure. Instantly, Doppo jumps into action. “You haven’t! You’re so kind and attentive and, and, and—”

Jakurai’s touch cuts him short. His eyes meet his. “I appreciate that you think so,” he says, “but I mean as a partner.”

Doppo short circuits. “Oh.”

“Jumps into action” is more literal than he realizes as Jakurai guides him to sit again. Tongue-tied, he tries once more to defend Jakurai’s dignity. “Still! You’re an incredible partner! I couldn’t ask for anything more!”

“Is that so? I feel as though we don’t have many opportunities to see each other.”

“We’re seeing each other now,” Doppo says without thinking. Embarrassing as it is, his fumble alleviates some of Jakurai’s stiffness. “And, um, we had lunch in the cafeteria. We also had that fishing trip with Hifumi…!”

“We did, yes, which was a splendid outing, indeed. However—forgive me my selfishness, Hifumi-kun is truly a blessing—I would like to spend more time with you.” The subtlest of movements, Jakurai averts his gaze. “Alone.”

Did he die? Did he go to the afterlife? Did he hallucinate this whole conversation? Never in his wildest fantasies did he imagine an angel like Jakurai flustered over him.

“Doppo-kun…?”

Right. He has to respond.

“Me too!” Doppo practically shouts. Remembering who he is—who he’s with—he collects himself. “I-I’d like to spend time with you, too.” He clears his throat. “…Alone.”

A sight divine, Jakurai lights up. “Would this weekend work for you?”

“Absolutely!” He’ll make anything work for Jakurai.

“La la la~ Lalala~ La la la laaa~”

Setting the rhythm to Hifumi’s melody is the chopping of his knife, the crackling of the stove and the clinking of pots the harmony. A scent sweet and savory wafts throughout the kitchen. A dinner for two, dishes making their comeback. Whether it’s for his pals or his partner, every Hifumin meal is cooked with lots of love, but he puts a surplus of pizazz into this particular menu since it’s a rare occasion.

A creaaak! joins his culinary concert, followed by a familiar shuffle of footsteps. Or not so familiar. Instead of a dead and dreary gait is a bouncy gallop, and when the man he’s awaiting walks in, he’s not drooping in defeat. For once, there’s a sparkle in Doppo’s eyes.

“Doppo-chin, you’re early!” Hifumi glances at the clock. “On time!”

“There weren’t any errors in my reports,” Doppo says, dazed. “Ehm. Not that I know of. They might’ve overlooked any miscalculations and they might make me redo them later—but, but, but my boss let me go! Without overtime!”

“Woohoo, way to go! I’ll have to make dinner extra special for you! What’re you in the mood for?”

“You’ve started cooking, haven’t you? All I did was my job, you don’t need to do anything for me.”

“‘Course I do! It’s not everyday we get to have dinner together!”

“It has been a while…” Gnawing on his lip, Doppo mulls over his decision. “Okay, um… how about shiozake?”

Shiozake, a classic Doppo choice. “You got it! Dinner will be ready in a jiff, go ahead and take a bath.”

“Are you sure? I can help.”

“Nah, I’m good. Your neighborhood friendly Hifumin could whip up a banquet in his sleep!”

Torn between skedadling and staying put, Doppo ultimately relents. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Yeah, yeah! Now, go! Bathe!”

*

The table is set up by the time Doppo’s done with his bath, and Hifumi is all too eager to take his seat—the seat across from Doppo. Having grown used to meals with Gentaro, filled with their constant back-and-forths, sitting with Doppo is a return to childhood comforts. Honestly, they’ve got to do this more often.

“Sooo~”

Doppo stuffs his mouth with shiozake, saying, “‘So’, what?”

“So what’s got you in such a good mood?! You’re all giddy for an evening off.”

“I am not giddy.”

“Uh? Bounce in your step? Goofy grin? Absolutely zero complaints?! Giddy.”

“That doesn’t make me giddy…” says Doppo, face burning as red as his hair. Oh boy, oh boy. “I saw Jakurai-san, that’s all.”

Kicking his feet, Hifumi squeals like the high school girlie he is. “You saw Doc?! How is he? What’d he say? What’d you do?!”

“It was for work.” Try as Doppo might to scold him, his bashfulness softens his bite. “He’s doing fine, we ate a bit, and he… he asked me out.”

Hifumi pops out of his seat. “O-M-G! Where’re we going?”

“We’re going—wait, ‘we’?”

“Well?!”

“Er, Mt. Takao—”

“Holy guacamole, I’ve got my eyes on Mt. Takao since foreeever! We’re gonna have a blast!”

“Um—”

“There’s supposed to be an onsen near the mountain’s base, you guys’ll love it!”

“Hifumi?”

“And the museum! It’s free! That’s a must-see!”

“Hifumi.”

“Hold up, hold up, what’s that on Trail No. 1? It’s on the tip of my tongue…!”

“Hifumi!”

“What?! I’m thinking here!”

“It’s… a date. Between me and Jakurai-san.”

Hifumi blinks. It sinks in. “Well, why didn’t ya say so?”

“It wasn’t implied?”

Welp. Got him there. “Yeaaah, but. The three of us usually hang out, so I figured we were going on another Matenrou Trip.”

“I know,” says Doppo, more exasperated than upset. “That’s why we’re going by ourselves.”

“Aww~ You don’t want your good ol’ Hifumin there?”

“No! No, that’s not what I said,” Doppo stammers to correct himself, which tickles Hifumi. “We just haven’t had the chance to go out as a couple recently.”

“I get it! Don’t let me get in the way of you crazy kids~!”

“W-We’re not going to do anything crazy!”

“I dunno, Doc can get pretty crazy~” Hifumi wags his brows—and that’s when it hits him. “‘Crazy’! That’s it! The monkey park! Gentaro mentioned it, they’ve got monkeys that put on shows. He also said the monkeys switch bodies with you if you give them a peach. Wouldn’t that be a hoot!”

Doppo’s chewing slows. His fingers curl around his chopsticks. “I see.”

“What? You scared of a lil’ lie~?”

“No…” Doppo mumbles, laser-focused on his food. “We’re going to be there for a day, so we won’t be able to do much except for hiking.”

“Then we’ll go next time!”

“‘Next time’?”

“Yeah, next time! We’ll grab Doc’s car and all go.”

As he speaks, Hifumi is drafting up the itinerary. Since Doppo and Jakurai will be tackling the trails, they can explore the other attractions. The Takao 599 Museum would be priority, its proximity to the train station an intro to the area, followed by the botanical garden which provides gorgeous views no matter the season. At the summit is the Yakuoin Temple, where they can pray for their upcoming battles, and to end the excursion: the onsen! A perfect stress reliever for Hifumi’s hard workers, and most of all, a perfect trip with two of the people nearest and dearest to him.

Perfect, that is, if he weren’t the only one excited to go.

“If you want to go so bad”—Doppo bursts his bubble—“why don’t you go with Yumeno-san?”

Hifumi’s planning screeches to a halt. “Huh? But I wanna go with you!”

“Does it make a difference?”

“Uh, duh! I do bestie things with my bestie, and I do boyfriend things with my boyfriend. A trip with him wouldn’t be the same as a trip with you.” These are his feelings, honest and true—yet honest and true tends to be a blunt hammer when it’s Hifumi. “Besides, Gentarocchi’s out of town! Might as well make the most of it!”

Doppo frowns. On stage, he obliterates his opponents with the rage of a berserker, but no attack is as piercing as a remark uttered underneath his breath. “So you want to hang out with me now that your boyfriend’s gone?”

Hifumi is aghast. He staggers from the blow, unable to register what Doppo had dealt. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” is what Doppo tells him, but Hifumi’s gotten real good at detecting lies. “You’ve just been spending a lot of time with him lately.”

“Okay, and? You've been spending a lot of time in your office.”

“You’re not even home these days. We barely see each other anymore.” Emotion swells in Doppo’s assertions, swinging between regret and resentment.

“Why does it matter? We barely saw each other to begin with!”

Doppo still refuses to look at him. “At least we did get to see each other.”

Funny, isn’t it, how Doppo will rant on and on when it comes to work, but cowers when it’s his own issues—except it’s not so funny when he drags Gentaro’s name into it. It’s one thing for pent up problems to erupt, Hifumi is used to that; it’s another to condemn someone else. Hifumi would defend Doppo from anyone who dares to belittle him, but in a similar vein, he won’t let Doppo snub Gentaro. Especially when he doesn’t know Gentaro the way he does.

All these years together have taught Hifumi to discern what’s not being said in Doppo’s retorts. If he’s to hear it himself, Hifumi will have to give Doppo a push.

“What’re you beating around the bush for? Do you have something against Gentaro?! You don’t see me complaining about you and Doc!”

“I don’t! It’s not about Yumeno-san or Jakurai-san! I–I—”

That might’ve been too much of a push.

Agitation dissipating, Doppo clams up. The outburst fizzles out. What’s left are meek excuses. “Forget it. I’m sorry. I’m tired, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“Doppo—”

“I’m not hungry anymore.” Doppo stands, chair creaking. “I’m going to bed.”

“Doppo, c’mon! Let’s talk about it!”

“It’s nothing.” Nothing, nothing, nothing. It’s always “nothing” with Doppo—but he never fails to give something to Hifumi. “Thanks for the food, by the way… Sorry I couldn’t finish it.”

“Doppo…”

Round the corner Doppo goes, and into the void of his bedroom. Though he’s but a few feet away, this is the farthest he’s been. Hifumi stares at the space where Doppo had been, sighing. So much for their first dinner together in forever.

While the quiet may be suffocating on his own, a strain permeates the apartment with the two of them home. For what it’s worth, Doppo prefers listening to Hifumi’s rambling as opposed to the voices in his head reprimanding him—but there’s an awkwardness whenever their conversations delve too deep. He sidesteps anything about this weekend’s date, nods at the mention of Gentaro. He’s the reason for this, the friction strangling them, but Doppo would rather be stuck in a stalemate than burden Hifumi with his insecurities.

Distracting himself, Doppo marks off Wednesday, Thursday, Friday as they steamroll over him, and somehow he survives to see the weekend—to see Jakurai. To get away from a home that hasn’t felt like home.

“Today’s the big day!” Hifumi’s voice booms, as if him barging into his room wasn’t enough. He stops dead in his tracks. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Doppo looks down at himself. “What’s wrong?”

“News flash: you’re going on a date! Who wears a t-shirt on a date?!”

“We’re going hiking, fashion is the least of our worries.”

“You gotta dress to impress your man!”

Doppo combusts at the thought of Jakurai being “his man.” “Jakurai-san won’t be looking at me…!”

“No way, Doc only has eyes for you! C’mere, lemme fix you up!” Naturally, Hifumi doesn’t ask for permission to scour his closet.

“You don’t have to,” says Doppo, dizzy as Hifumi dissects his wardrobe.

“It’ll be quick! I’m thinking we could change your shirt. And your coat. And your pants.” Hifumi pauses for another outfit assessment. “And your hat!”

“That’s everything,” Doppo deadpans.

“Not your shoes~” Ignore that he hasn’t put his shoes on. Unearthing two sweaters Doppo didn’t know he owned, Hifumi compares them to his current clothes. “Don’t sweat it, trust in Hifumin’s vision!”

Huffing, Doppo swats the sweaters away. “It’s fine, Hifumi.”

“So snappy! This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I were going!”

There goes their semblance of normalcy, shattered by a casual comment. Hifumi falls silent. Doppo shrinks in on himself, as if he could escape his shortcomings. What really makes the hostility sting is how much it doesn’t suit Hifumi.

Bzzt, bzzt! Doppo has never checked his phone so fast.

“It’s Jakurai-san…” Doppo says, speaking as though a decibel too loud would offend Hifumi. “He’s downstairs.”

A clap to his shoulder prompts Doppo to yelp. His nerves rattle inside him, heightened by the tension, and it doesn’t help when Hifumi flashes him a smile—a smile as radiant as the moment Hifumi declared they were friends.

“Have fun!” says Hifumi, sincere in every way possible.

And they do.

The most physical activity Doppo gets is the mad dash to the subway, so suffice to say, hiking is out of his depth. They set their pace slow, which Doppo would’ve opposed had he not been heaving a few steps in. He shouldn’t hold back Jakurai, not because of his ineptitude, but it’s for the better. They couldn’t appreciate the scenery otherwise.

Autumn paints the mountain in gold, creating a warm atmosphere in spite of the chill. Through the leaves shines the sun, and the dapples of light lead them through the trail. Further in is the observation deck, presenting a wider perspective, but below it is the monkey park—

The monkey park.

This is what Hifumi wanted to do. This is what Hifumi wanted to see with them.

“Is something the matter, Doppo-kun?” Jakurai rescues him from his downward spiral.

“No,” Doppo hurries to say. “Why do you ask?”

“You seem a bit… distracted.”

Clamping his traitor of an expressive face, Doppo gasps. “Do I?! I’m so sorry! I got lost in my thoughts, and… never mind. It’s nothing that concerns you, Jakurai-san. I’m enjoying myself, really.”

“It’s rather difficult to enjoy yourself when something is weighing on you, no?”

“My stupid problems will ruin our date.”

“There is nothing ‘stupid’ about your problems,” Jakurai reminds him, taking on that doctorly tone. “If there is anything I can do to assist, then I will do everything I am able to.”

“Really, it’s nothing.”

Firm but gentle, Jakurai clasps Doppo’s hands. There’s no room for doubt when he says, “You’re always there for me, Doppo-kun. Let me be there for you, too.”

That should be Doppo’s line, shouldn’t it? Before they had met, it was Jakurai who was saving him. He’d found salvation in this living hell the very instant he heard ill-DOC’s voice, and Doppo has revered him since. Being able to have a love reciprocated is privilege enough—yet here is Jakurai, positing that what they have extends beyond that. That their trust goes both ways.

Somewhere in him fears that Jakurai will scorn this terrible side of him—or worse, dump him—but they’ve already gotten this far. Doppo sucks in a breath. Counts down three, two, one, like how Jakurai instructs him to. “…Hifumi and I got into a fight.”

Jakurai’s hand flies to his mouth, dismayed. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. It was my fault,” says Doppo, too contrite to look at Jakurai. “I told him we had a date, but he assumed all three of us were going so I tried to explain why we’re going on our own. Then he brought up Yumeno-san, and I… I don’t know why I got upset. Or… I do, but…”

Doppo trails off, afraid that he’ll provoke the worst-case scenario if he completes his thoughts; he doesn’t have to for Jakurai to understand. “You and Hifumi-kun are quite close. You’ve spent most of your lives together, haven’t you?”

“Yeah,” is what Doppo says. “Yeah, we have,” because no language can encapsulate the past twenty years so succinctly.

“Have either of you ever seen anyone else?”

Unbidden memories surface. Doppo hisses through clenched teeth, “Keitoin Honobono. Hifumi dated her for a while…” He shakes his head, keeping that in the past. “Other than that, no.”

“So this is the first time that you two have been apart.”

It’s an observation, not a judgment, but Doppo can’t help but cringe hearing it out loud. “I guess. When you put it like that.”

“There’s no need to be ashamed,” Jakurai reassures him with a tinge of wistfulness. “I, too, had someone I was inseparable from. Nothing can prepare you for when your paths diverge.”

“I’ve never imagined life without Hifumi. He was my only friend growing up. Even in Matenrou, he’s with me—with us. But Yumeno-san…” Is someone I don’t get. Is someone I can’t read. Is someone who’s not me. “Yumeno-san is someone else entirely.”

“Are you worried about Hifumi-kun?” Jakurai asks the question that’s been haunting him.

“Yes,” Doppo blurts out. Then, “No.” A sigh. “Kind of.”

“Yumeno-san doesn’t seem bad,” he continues. “He doesn’t seem anything like her, anyways. It just… happened so suddenly. I thought Hifumi and Yumeno-san despised each other, but out of nowhere it’s ‘Yumeno-san this’ and ‘Yumeno-san that’. Hell, he’s practically living at Yumeno-san’s place at this point.”

“Love certainly works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?” Jakurai muses. “Do you think Hifumi-kun is happy with Yumeno-kun?”

“I do, yeah.” Despite his misgivings, Doppo has to acknowledge the reality. “A little too happy, actually. I’d hate it if he gave so much of himself to get hurt again. Also…” And here’s where he has to concede the truth as well. “There’s a part of me that misses Hifumi, too.”

“It’s natural to miss him. What you once knew is changing—but you and Hifumi-kun share a special bond, one that can withstand time and distance. All you have to do is tell him.”

“I feel ridiculous bringing it up. I’m twenty-nine for crying out loud, I shouldn’t rely on him so much,” Doppo admits, barking out a self-deprecating laugh. “Besides, I don’t want to make him feel bad because I’m lonely.”

Jakurai squeezes his hand, staving off the insecurities consuming him. “We all need someone to be there for us. That’s why I’m grateful to have met you and Hifumi-kun, for you two have become my closest friends. Knowing Hifumi-kun, I’m certain he would be willing to hear you out.”

As Jakurai has cleared the discordance of the city, so too does he allay the anguish in Doppo. Being left behind—drifing away from each other—doesn’t have to be their ending when they have feelings worth preserving. Whether he or Hifumi have other relationships isn’t the matter, rather it’s what they do to maintain theirs. Doppo owes it to Hifumi to meet him halfway.

“Jakurai-san.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” For everything.

“Of course,” says Jakurai, lacing their fingers together. “Now, shall we focus on ourselves?”

That, Doppo has no protest.

Apartment pitch black. A missing pair of shoes at the entryway. A lack of snoring. Worn out from his shift at Fragrance, the quiet skitters on Hifumi’s skin as he arrives home.

He’s adjusted his routine for his Shibuya detours, particularly when Gentaro pushes (read: procrastinates) a deadline. Nothing is as soothing as a “Welcome back” when you’ve partied the night away, though it’s more of a “Why are you bothering me?” from Gentaro. Annoyed pretense notwithstanding, Gentaro always greets him at the entrance. A month into their situationship (pre-official era), he gave him a spare key! These hints of endearment are what draw Hifumi in, recharging his batteries with his Gentaro before he tends to his and Doppo’s apartment.

But he doesn’t remember their place being this empty. Heck, before he was dating Gentaro, he’d have Doppo’s honk-shoo, honk-shoo to keep him company. Without it, his feet echo loudly in this apartment he’s realizing is way too large. And why’s the distance between his and Doppo’s room this long? How come their unit is so cold? Jeez!

Hifumi rustles his suit jacket as he hangs it up just to break the quiet. “Ughhh.” Maybe Doppo was onto something when he said he wanted to hang out because Gentaro’s out of town.

Plopping onto bed, Hifumi unlocks his phone. He scrolls through his SNS accounts, trying to unwind, but the more he scrolls the more restless he becomes. Everyone’s busy. Also it’s like three AM. No one is going to answer him, but he can’t sleep without having someone to bid good night.

He peruses his contacts. He almost pulls up his chat with Doppo before their spat rears its ugly head. The dip in Doppo’s mood. The shock of his best friend begrudging his boyfriend. The revelation that he’s been so preoccupied in his own bliss that he’s been oblivious to Doppo’s pain.

Conclusion: Gentaro is his best bet.

Texts sent, Hifumi goes on to wash up when his phone pings. Gentaro? Replying ASAP? Is he dreaming?!

Heehee! Harsh Gentaro may be, he wouldn’t have responded if he didn’t care.

Left on read. Whoops. Not his fault for dropping the facts. He’s already ruined one night with his tactlessness, though, he doesn’t need to ruin another.

Hifumi sets his phone down. The shower calls to him, acutely aware of how he reeks of alcohol, perfume, and tobacco, but all Hifumi can do is sink further and further into his bed. He’s not immune to exhaustion, believe it or not, though it’s not exactly the late hours that are hitting him.

Ping-pong! Hifumi’s heart skips.

The words of a writer sure are powerful, huh? With a message short and sweet, Gentaro dispels the clouds looming over Hifumi—a message that may not seem like much to others, but is Hifumi’s whole world. Saying “I love you” back isn’t necessary when Hifumi can read in between Gentaro’s lines.

He reacts to Gentaro’s text with a heart, yellow like the two of them, and finally sits up. He doesn’t shower juuuust yet. Riding on this high, he reaches out once more.

There we go! He won’t get a response soon, but that’s all right. He’ll wait as long as it takes for Doppo.

The strenuous passage pays off. Upon reaching the peak, Doppo’s aches fade away at the mountain’s vista. Between the endless skies and the billowing clouds, his existence is magnificently minuscule, and the sun setting into the horizon concurs to that. Descending, they opt to soak in mother nature for what’s supposed to be another minute. Obscured by neon in the city, the stars twinkle above Jakurai’s car.

Bzzt, bzzt! Doppo snaps to his senses. So used to being on standby, both him and Jakurai had whipped their phones out at the notification—but fortunately, it’s only Hifumi. No, not “only.” It’s Hifumi.

“It seems that Hifumi-kun is in high spirits.”

“Seems so…” says Doppo, wondering in turn how Hifumi is doing.

As if reading his thoughts, Jakurai runs a thumb across his hand. “Shall we head home?”

Home to Shinjuku. Home to his and Hifumi’s apartment. Home to Hifumi.

“Yeah,” Doppo agrees with a renewed confidence. “Let’s go.”

Their trek to Shinjuku Division begins with an attempt at the photos Hifumi requested, which are decent all things considered. Whatever he can’t make out, he’ll have to tell Hifumi. He’ll tell Hifumi everything.

Exactly what everything is stews in Doppo’s mind as the miles pass by, eventually leveling out to a thrum. Though neither he nor Jakurai speak much throughout the ride, simply being beside Jakurai is enough to banish any negativity brewing. This silence is theirs, a solace from the chaos of the city, and his resolve almost wavers when Jakurai pulls up at his place. Shinjuku’s cacophony will invade this haven once he opens the door—but what’s on the other side of the chaos is home. Doppo steels himself.

“Thank you for tonight, Doppo-kun,” Jakurai says as he steps out.

“It should be me thanking you! I-I’m glad you invited me…” Doppo doesn’t know what else to say. Or more like there’s so much to say. So much that can be said after he sorts out his mistakes unresolved. Trusting in tomorrow, he decides on, “See you.”

A shared delight. A lingering glance. Doppo is halfway to the main entrance when he backtracks. One more thing.

He marches up to Jakurai’s car before he can reconsider it. Jakurai blinks at him, bemused. Oh, God. He has to commit.

“Doppo-kun, is something the matter—”

Clumsily, Doppo leans over for a kiss. He teeters on his toes, the car door digging into his stomach, and he’s prepared to spit out “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” when Jakurai smiles against his lips. He swears he’s in Heaven.

“Good night, Jakurai-san…!”

Hushed are Jakurai’s words, promising and encouraging. “Good night, Doppo-kun.”

Emboldened by the rush, Doppo bolts upstairs. He won’t disturb Hifumi while he’s resting, but he’s constructing his script—determining how he will make amends. He’ll dive onto his knees—no, all fours—and profess his remorse, spilling the anxieties he’s bottled up. Regardless of if he’s forgiven or not, he’ll have a go at breakfast; Hifumi deserves the break. Up and up the elevator goes, Doppo painstakingly mapping out his apology in these seconds that trudge by like grains of sand, but all those plans are chucked out the window as soon as he busts through the front door.

On the couch is Hifumi, curled up and shaking. Doppo’s heart sinks.

“Hifumi?”

Hifumi startles, as if caught committing a crime. His eyes are bloodshot. He’s lost all his color. “Doppo! You’re back?”

“I told you, it was a day trip…” says Doppo, but it’s not him that matters. He scrambles to Hifumi, steadying him. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Me? Never better! The question should be ‘How was your date with Doc~?’” Hifumi’s laughter rings out, but Doppo has learned to distinguish the strain in it due to his years with Hifumi.

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” Doppo cuts to the chase.

“My room was a lil’ stuffy, so I figured I’d get some fresh air!”

Up close, Doppo notices the dried tracks running down Hifumi’s cheeks. Dread creeps in. “You were crying.”

“I wasn’t crying!” Hifumi says, scooting away. In his denial, tears spring anew. “My eyes, y’know. My eyes were sweating!”

Refusing to let Hifumi agonize alone, Doppo grips Hifumi’s shoulders. “Hifumi,” he pleads, “what happened?”

“Nothing happened.” Doppo shoots Hifumi a look. “Nothing happened, I swear!” Sniffling, Hifumi buckles under his scrutiny. “Nothing real, anyways…”

“What do you mean ‘real’?”

“It was a s-stupid dream, no biggie!”

“It’s not ‘no biggie’ if you’re like this!”

“C’mon, Doppo, I’m a big boy! I can handle myself.” What should be a playful shove has the strength of a desperate prey animal, Hifumi’s mask cracking in the recoil. “I-I should be able to, right? I mean, it’s been like ten years—so why…? Why am I still so scared whenever I see her?

“She was making me choose: you and Doc, or Gentaro. Whoever I didn’t, she’d ‘play’ with. But-But I couldn’t, Doppo! I couldn’t! How am I supposed to pick between my best friends and my boyfriend?!”

Never again did Doppo wish to see Hifumi break down. It’s not fair, he thinks, that someone as dazzling as Hifumi knows what it is to suffer—that he has to carry these scars for life. As Hifumi weeps, Doppo pulls him into a hug as quickly—as tightly—as he can. He may lament his laborious toils, but Doppo would gladly endure an eternity of overtime if Hifumi doesn’t have to cry. Hifumi has done so much for him. The least he can do in return is wipe away his tears.

“You don’t have to,” says Doppo, because he can’t undo the damage that was done, but he can show Hifumi that he’s more than his pain.

Hifumi lifts his head. “Huh?”

“I know you, Hifumi. If you don’t like the choices given to you, you make one—and if that’s the case, then you’d find a way to choose us all.” Soft but sure, Doppo continues, “You wouldn’t let anything happen to any of us.”

“No, siree, I wouldn’t!” A glimmer of Hifumi’s usual self gleams through—briefly. “But-But what if it’s me? What if I’m the one hurting you?”

“You’d never.” Doppo immediately shuts that notion down.

“Yeah, but! I’ve been thinking about the other night, when we were having dinner… Something I did must’ve made you upset.”

Hifumi’s confession stabs Doppo in the chest. Here he’s been avoiding his distress so he wouldn’t impede on Hifumi’s happiness, but in doing so, he’s driven Hifumi into guilt. What a dumbass he is.

“You haven’t done anything!” says Doppo, absolving Hifumi of the sins that are his. “It’s me. I-It’s me who hasn’t accepted that you’re in a relationship.”

At that, Hifumi withers. Doppo summons all his willpower to prevent himself from crumbling. “You said you were okay with me and Gentaro.”

It’s not a lie when Doppo says, “I am.” The truth, however, fills him with nothing but shame. “My problem isn’t Yumeno-san, it’s… us.”

“‘Us’?” Hifumi echoes, confused.

“I miss us.” There. He’s said it. And once he’s said it, the rest comes tumbling out. “Without you, I wouldn’t have made it this far. You used to be the one reminding me to take care of myself, and dragging me out on my days off, and cheering me on when things got tough, but now you’re always with Yumeno-san—and that’s fine and all, I mean it—but… this is dumb, but… I’m not used to you not being there.”

Feelings laid bare, trepidation seeps in. While deep down inside, Doppo has faith in Hifumi—that Hifumi would not abandon him—he has to confirm it himself. He risks a peek at Hifumi, panic surging when the first thing he sees are tears falling, but his insecurities are unfounded as he registers that Hifumi’s grin is genuine.

“Doppo…! I miss us, too!”

Without warning, Hifumi throws his arms around Doppo and squeezes the living daylights out of him. This would be where Doppo admonishes Hifumi, but then again, this is also what makes Hifumi who he is. Doppo welcomes—cherishes—this warmth he’s grown with. He won’t take it for granted; not now, not ever.

“You’re my best friend, and nobody can ever ever ever replace you! You were there for me when no one else was, and you’re the one who’s always looking out for me. There’s no Hifumin if there’s no Doppomine!” Bumping his shoulder to his, Hifumi giggles. “Guess there’s no Doppomine without Hifumin, either.”

He can’t deny that if he wanted to. A weight off his chest, Doppo joins in Hifumi’s cheer. His worries melt away with the sound of their joy intertwined—all the more when Hifumi spins these moments into experiences.

“Hey, let’s start planning!”

Doppo furrows his brows. “Planning what?”

“Our dates, duh!” Hifumi is already pulling his phone out, saying, “How else are we supposed to be ‘us’ if we don’t have our ‘us’ time?”

“Dates,” plural? More outings? So soon? The suddenness of it activates Doppo’s instinct to hibernate, bones weary from the last twenty-four hours, but he can’t bring himself to reject Hifumi’s idea. If home is too quiet without Hifumi, he’ll have to go wherever Hifumi is.

Doppo doesn’t bother to check his calendar. He’ll clear it if he has to. “I think I’m off next Saturday.”

“Yay!” Hifumi beams, brighter than the sunrise. “We can do brunch!”

Brunch, huh. Nothing beats Hifumi’s cooking, but Doppo is happy as long as Hifumi is happy.

(Bonus)

“We should go on a double date!”

“What?”

“A double date! Y’know, you and Doc; me and Gentarocchi.”

That doesn’t ease Doppo’s skepticism. “Why?”

“‘Cause it’ll be fun! We’ve never hung out, the four of us. Plus, it’ll count for our ‘us’ time!”

“Three of us alone is already exhausting.”

“To you, yeah. C’mon, Doppo-chin, we’ve never had boyfriends at the same time before!”

“We’ve never had boyfriends, period.”

“All the more reason to do it!”

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea…”

“What’s not good about it? Gentaro and Doc are both nerds, they’ll be BFFs by the end of the day!”

“J-J-Jakurai-san isn’t a nerd! He’s… educated.”

“Gentaro’s educated, too, he knows a bunch of complicated kanji. See? Perfect!”

“I don’t know, Hifumi…”

“Lemme ask Doc ‘bout it!”

“Hifumi, you don’t need to bother him! It’s still early in the morning!”

“Early for you. It’s like ten o’ clock.”

“Hifumi—”

“Aaand sent!”

“Jakurai-san is really busy, he won’t be able to deal with something this silly—”

“Hey, he texted back!”

“What?!”

“‘What a splendid idea, Hifumi-kun. Doppo-kun and I would be happy to spend a day with you and Yumeno-kun. :)’”

Hifumi stares at Doppo. Doppo stares back. Doppo’s also turning red. “W-Well, if Jakurai-san thinks it’s a good idea then it should be fine…”

Just as Hifumi thought.