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Yuuji stared up at his calendar with a pen in hand, tapping the end against his chin with a soft hum. He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, once again checking the date circled and starred with metallic gold.
“Why are you staring at the wall like that?” Maki asked, plopping down next to him on the floor.
“Am I crazy or is Christmas in three weeks?”
“Can’t both be true at the same time?”
“First of all, rude. Second of all,” Yuuji continued with a pout at Maki’s smirk, “If Christmas is really in three weeks then that basically means I’m screwed.”
“How so?”
“I have no idea what to do for Megumi! He hasn’t talked about anything festive at all and every time I try to ask about what he might want to do, he changes the subject.”
Yuta called out from the kitchen. “Megumi doesn’t really like or celebrate Christmas, at least he hasn’t in the time I’ve known him.”
Yuuji looked over, jaw dropped, as Yuta and Toge made their way from the kitchen with a tray of sugar cookies. Toge nodded in agreement and took his place on the floor among the circle of friends.
“What? How am I dating someone with no sense of the Christmas spirit? A Grinch, a Scrooge?” Yuuji exclaimed, flopping onto his back with arms and legs outstretched.
Maki rolled her eyes and grabbed a cookie, promptly stuffing into Yuuji’s open mouth as he continued to sigh and groan in response.
“Stop being so dramatic. I’m sure that even Megumi would enjoy whatever you plan simply because it’s with you.”
“But I don’t want him to just be miserable the entire time…”
Toge waved his hand in front of Yuuji’s face to capture his attention before beginning to sign.
He won’t be miserable. Maybe you can help give him a good holiday experience?
“I guess that’s true but I don’t even know where to start.”
“You know him, Yuuji. Trust your gut and I’m sure everything will be okay,” Yuta offered with a soft smile.
Right, trust his gut because Yuuji knew Megumi. He could do that.
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After a week of brainstorming holiday festivities and trying to gauge Megumi’s reaction to different activities, Yuuji decided he actually could not trust his gut. He’d mentioned a few classics–going ice skating, attending a Christmas movie screening in the park, exploring Christmas markets and lights. Not a single idea seemed to pique the stoic man’s interest. The most Yuuji had been able to get out of him was a half-hearted shrug or some hesitant agreement.
“Why don’t you just take him out to dinner or something?” Nobara suggested, her eyes still glued to the cream and burgundy sweaters she compared in her hands.
“I can’t just take him out to dinner! I need to do something special and Christmas-related! Why is my boyfriend so hard to read?”
Nobara tucked the burgundy sweater back onto the rack, folding the cream wool over her arm with a sigh.
“Didn’t Megumi grow up super spoiled? Gojo’s rich. Maybe he just never really saw Christmas as special since every day was probably like Christmas.”
Yuuji hummed, mulling over her idea. It was true that Megumi had grown up with a rich guardian, so it would make sense if Christmas didn’t feel like a special holiday; however, would that really be enough to explain his negative reactions and outlooks on the holiday?
“I don’t know… He seems to feel pretty strong negative feelings about it according to Yuuta.”
“Well you only have two weeks left. Maybe it’s time to just be direct and ask what his deal is.”
Yuuji nodded in agreement and left it at that.
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Yuuji opened the door to the apartment and slipped off his boots with a small huff. He balanced plastic bags of takeout in one hand while he unwound his scarf, calling out for his boyfriend.
“Megumi, I’m home! Did you see the carolers outside on the way into the apartment?”
When he was met with only silence, he tried once more.
“Megumi?”
After setting out the plastic white containers on the small dining table, he made his way through the apartment in search of the inky spikes he knew and loved. Peeking around a corner, he found Megumi with his back turned toward him and his eyes focused on the scenery outside. When viewed through the frosty window, the lights from surrounding buildings and homes blurred and almost appeared to sway. They almost looked like fireflies hovering just out of reach.
“Hey, you okay?”
Yuuji brushed his hand against his partner’s arm. With a slow blink Megumi’s eyes met Yuuji’s, clear as if awaking from a trance.
“Oh, welcome back. Sorry, I just spaced out for a second.”
Megumi offered a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He turned his gaze away once again, the smile still in place like a theatre mask, like armor.
Yuuji sat beside him, cupping his face in his hands with all the gentleness of the first flurries of snow.
“Talk to me. What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“It’s really nothing.” Megumi turned his face away, pulling from the safety and warmth of Yuuji’s grasp.
A stillness settled over the room. Keeping his and Nobara’s conversation in mind, Yuuji continued forward, despite Megumi actively reinforcing his walls.
“Is it something related to the holidays?” Yuuji broached the topic with care and determination.
Megumi’s eye widened slightly, only for a fraction of a second, before he challenged Yuuji’s gaze with his own.
“Why would you think that?”
“I just… I noticed that you don’t seem very happy when I bring it up or when we see people celebrating. Honestly, I was trying to figure out what was wrong, but I’m at a bit of a loss. So, this is me just asking you to let me in a little. I don’t want to do anything that makes you unhappy, and I want to help if I can.”
Megumi clenched and unclenched his hands into fists, trying to ground himself enough to respond in a way that could end the conversation before it started without worrying Yuuji even more.
“It’s not my thing, that’s all. I appreciate you checking in.” Before Yuuji could press further, he quickly added, “I’m feeling pretty tired so I’m going to head to bed early.”
Yuuji felt that he was left with more questions than what he started with.
Huddled underneath the covers of their bed, Megumi felt unbearably cold.
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“Yuuji, what a nice surprise seeing you! I don’t think Megumi mentioned that you two would be visiting?”
Satoru pulled Yuuji inside with a bright grin. Yuuji shed his coat, allowing the warmth of the indoors to slowly melt away what felt like layers of frigid frost.
“Ah, that’s because Megumi doesn’t know that I’m here. I came here to talk to you actually.”
Yuuji scratched behind his head, a habit he picked up when he felt slightly embarrassed or nervous.
“Oh?” Gojo raised an eyebrow before sitting down on a lavish, charcoal grey sofa, and patting the cushion next to him. “It hasn’t been a year yet, so this feels a little soon. You’ll have to talk to Suguru too, so just wait a second.”
Yuuji tilted his head in confusion as Gojo shouted into the hallway over his shoulder, “Suguru, my love! Come to the living room! Yuuji has something important to talk about with us!”
Getou emerged from the hallway looking as polished as always, hair pulled back in a loose low bun. He brought with him a platter lined with a karatsu ware tea set and sliced pears.
“I thought I heard his voice, so I brought some tea.” Getou put the tray down with a gentle clack and offered Yuuji a warm smile.
“Oh, thank you-” Yuuji began to speak, when he was interrupted.
“Sugu! Yuuji here is planning to propose to Megumi and he’s come to ask for our blessing! Literally has come to ask for our blessing. I still think it’s a bit early, but I guess love doesn’t have a timeline, right?”
Yuuji stammered, opening and closing his mouth with no response as Gojo’s words spilled out in tandem with the tea Getou poured in each cup.
“N-no no, I think there’s been a misunderstanding!”
“Did you already pick out a ring? Have you considered locations? Can I hire a photographer? Megumi is so nonchalant about these types of things, but he’s actually so sentimental and soft that I know he wants the memories captured.”
Yuuji looked helplessly at Getou as he passed out the tea cups, silently begging for him to get his husband to stop speaking for a minute.
“Satoru, let’s give Yuuji some space to talk instead of bombarding him with questions. This isn’t an interrogation.”
Yuuji gave Getou a thankful smile. He let out a small sigh of relief before once again feeling a nervous weight in his chest as he gathered the words that he rehearsed in the car on the ride over.
“First, I just want to clarify that I’m not here to ask about proposing to Megumi.”
Gojo’s jaw dropped and he began to interject, only to be reeled in by a gentle hand on his knee. Getou gave him a look that said no, and he shut his mouth with a small click.
Yuuji cleared his throat, suddenly feeling a little too warm.
“I actually came to ask you a bit about how you all spent the holidays together while he was growing up. I know it’s a bit of a strange question, and I totally understand that this may feel a bit invasive or random or uncomfortable.” Yuuji fiddled with the rim of his tea cup, allowing the rising steam and smooth clay to ground him. “I just noticed that whenever I bring up Christmas and things we could do together, he sort of… shuts down? He doesn’t get upset but, I don’t know, I can tell there’s something there. I just want our first Christmas together to be special and for him to feel happy. I’m not sure if you could offer me some insight into your family holidays and whether I should just scrap any plans altogether?”
He looked up, trying to read Gojo and Getou’s thoughts through their eyes. And now he saw where Megumi got his stoic facial expressions from, because he could not even guess what was going on in their heads. Gojo let out a low hum and Getou pursed his lips slightly in thought. With a single glance, they seemed to come to an agreement and understanding. Getou left the room, the sound of drawers opening and pages ruffling being the only hint that he was still here.
A few more seconds passed before Gojo broke the silence.
“Megs doesn’t hate Christmas or anything, if that’s what you were wondering. But he has grown to have a bit of a complicated relationship with it.”
Getou shuffled back into the room, spreading out a stack of photographs on the coffee table, each labeled with a caption in different colors of ink. Captions ranged from Our first Christmas together! in glittery green to Megs learns to ice skate! in a deep blue. Some photos were worn by time, the edges slightly faded, showcasing a younger Megumi with the same signature pout. Other photos were clearly taken much later, as he grew taller than his sisters in the photos, although his expression stayed the same–still so unapologetically Megumi.
Yuuji studied each photo intently, searching for answers in moments long passed.
“We had some really fun Christmases, although it was almost impossible to get the grump to show it. I caught him smiling sometimes when he thought nobody was looking.”
Gojo directed Yuuji’s attention to a few pictures–Megumi smiling down at a pair of wolf plushies, Megumi stifling a laugh as his older sister decorated a Getou cookie that looked more akin to a formless blob, Megumi shining with a carefree grin as Gojo recovered from a snowball attack.
Yuuji shifted his focus to a photo of a beautiful view. The background was lined with silhouettes of hills and trees, and the sky was dotted with the glow of stars and wishes yet to be made. All of this paled in comparison to a young Megumi bundled up in a puffer jacket and scarf. The expression on his face could only be described as pure wonder as he took in the scenery around him.
“That one’s my favorite.”
Yuuji doubted that many people had seen Gojo like this. He was often loud and bold in his words, actions, and expressions; his face alone would shout I’M HERE in all capital letters. But now he smiled with a softness, a fondness, that could only be compared to a parent whispering a bedtime story and a gentle sweet dreams to their child.
“But there were a lot of gaps between these when the holidays didn’t look quite this happy,” Getou added, a bittersweet shine in his eyes. Gojo intertwined their hands, offering a gentle squeeze.
“You’re a sweet kid, Yuuji. I’m glad Megumi has you. I’m sure you understand that it’s not really our place to share much about his past and how it’s impacted him now. I do know that if you give him some time, he’ll feel ready to tell you about it himself.”
Yuuji, of course, nodded in understanding and thanked the two for sharing pieces of their memories and Megumi’s childhood with him.
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He followed Gojo and Getou’s advice, offering Megumi time.
In the days that followed his conversation with Megumi, or lack thereof, and with his parents, Yuuji settled back into a routine of normalcy. Things felt almost back to normal, so much so that he nearly forgot that Christmas was now only a few days away.
What he failed to notice was how his lack of excitement for the holiday seemed to show. He no longer returned home with a new piece of decor to hang up in the apartment. He stopped bringing holiday themed drinks from the cafe down the street for Megumi to try with him. He even quit humming Christmas songs while he cooked dinners.
And if Megumi had felt cold before, it was nothing compared to this.
Seeing his boyfriend who was, perhaps, the personification of the holiday spirit mellowed out felt like watching a fireplace slowly die down to nothing but embers and ash. Yuuji’s words echoed in his mind repeatedly.
So, this is me just asking you to let me in a little.
Oh, how he wanted to let Yuuji in, but every time he tried to explain, an icy hand gripped his heart in protest. Don’t ruin the warmth he has left.
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“Merry Christmas, Megumi!”
Tsumiki, all rosy cheeks and lavender hair ribbons, cheered and excitedly shoved a neatly wrapped box into his awaiting arms. Megumi tore open the white and gold wrapping paper and lifted the lid of the box up. He quirked his head to the side, staring at two small collars. His heartbeat sped up as he shot his gaze to his sister with disbelief. The light pattering of paws grew closer from down the hallway.
Megumi turned, staring as Gojo walked into the room with not one, but two, puppies. Gojo was beaming, taking in the kid’s awestruck state.
“Go on, Megs, say hello!”
Megumi looked up at the man, quietly asking, “They’re for me?”
Kneeling down and ruffling his hair, Gojo confirmed with a small chuckle, “They’re for you.”
Megumi smiled the widest he ever had and buried his face into the puppies’ furry coats.
“Don’t you miss this?” Tsumiki sighed. She sounded tired.
Megumi lifted his face up, only to be met with a much more somber scene. Tsumiki was older and paler, the circles beneath her eyes slightly darker and her face more sunken in. She lay in a bed with tubes and needles replacing her jewelry and ribbons. The room reeked of sanitizer and all things sterile. However, she was still just as beautiful and just as warm. Her smile felt familiar, like that of someone else Megumi knew.
She held out a trembling hand, which he took without hesitation. Her hands were cold and he cradled them in an attempt to provide comfort and warmth, the same way she always had for him.
“It’s not the same without you,” he whispered.
Her smile faltered for a moment, before she grinned again with a twinkle in her eyes.
“It doesn’t have to be the same to be good, Megumi. Don’t get so caught up in missing me that you miss out on good times with everyone else.”
Before he could respond, she lifted her arms and wrapped him in a loose hug. He inhaled the scent of vanilla and cinnamon, and the room didn’t feel so empty and cold anymore.
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Megumi awoke gradually, slowly opening his eyes and orienting himself to the present. He sat up with his heart feeling heavy as he blinked away the heat pooling in his eyes.
“Meg’mi? What’s wrong?” Yuuji sat up with a bleary gaze.
Something in Megumi told him to brush Yuuji off, to say he had a weird dream and then go back to bed. But Yuuji looked at him with so much concern and care, and love, even in the midst of his sleepy state. How could Megumi continue to push him away? How could the cold barrier around his heart not begin to soften and melt away?
When the first tear fell, he could no longer hold the rest back. The second and third trailed after, and he began to hunch forward, finally bending under the weight of ignored grief. Steady hands wiped away his tears, threaded through his hair, and rubbed soothing patterns against his skin in a show of quiet comfort. When he finally trusted himself to speak without breaking down, he felt the weight lift ever so slightly.
“I’m sorry for being so closed off lately. This time of year is… hard for me.”
Yuuji patiently waited for his boyfriend to continue, one hand moving to hold Megumi’s, and the other continuing to trace shapes against his knee. He offered a reassuring squeeze of his hand, a gentle encouragement, a silent I’m here, I’m listening.
“My Christmas celebrations didn’t always look like what you picture from a Hallmark movie. I know I’ve told you a little bit about my childhood, but never really in specifics. It’s not the happiest story.”
“That’s okay. I want to know you and understand you, even if it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.”
“I know, I just-” Megumi stopped himself with a deep breath and a sigh. “I just don’t want you to look at me differently, like you feel bad for me. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m ready to dive into all the nitty gritty details of it all.”
“And that’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to share anything you don’t feel ready for.”
Yuuji scooted closer so that their shoulders were touching, offering support for Megumi to lean on if he needed. A few beats of silence passed before Megumi mustered up the courage to begin the descent of the walls he had so carefully built.
“I don’t have a lot of clear memories from when I was younger. There are a lot of disjointed bits and pieces. Before Gojo, Tsumiki’s mother and my father were our caretakers. They were rarely home and present even less so during holiday seasons, off doing who knows what, who knows where. We would watch holiday movies on TV, and I thought about who our parents were spending the day with, if not with their children. I remember wondering whether I was a bad kid, and if that was why our parents didn’t stay and why we never woke up to any gifts.
“The year before Gojo took us in, Tsumiki and I stayed up all night watching the sky to catch a glimpse of Santa and his reindeer flying overhead. I became so caught up in wanting to see flying reindeer that I actually forgot about the possibility of presents altogether that night. Eventually I sort of gave up on hoping for gifts for myself, but every time I watched the sky, I still wished on the stars for Tsumiki to get something nice. She really deserved it.
“Even after Gojo took us in and things started to look a bit more like a Christmas post card, there was still some instability. I don’t think I ever told you about this, but there was a period of time when Getou and Gojo separated and didn’t speak. It first happened around Christmas, and it continued on for a few years. I had never seen Gojo so heartbroken before, which freaked me out a little, and I felt like I had suddenly lost two important figures in my life.
“Tsumiki tried her best, pitching in to help decorate and bring the holiday cheer. She made some awful looking pottery for us that year, but it made Gojo tear up and smile, so we used those bowls and mugs every day after that. She was always good at that–at helping people find some joy, even in tough situations.”
Megumi shifted his weight, pressing himself against Yuuji and leaning his head on his shoulder, allowing him to be a grounding presence.
“This year is my third Christmas without her, and things still feel so empty. Most people love this time of year because they get to see their loved ones, but for me it became a time for missing people. My mother, my father, Getou and Gojo for some time, and then Tsumiki.
“Everyone always said that it would get easier with time, that the weight would feel less heavy. But it still feels suffocating sometimes, especially when there are reminders all around.”
He waited for the judgment, the pity, the indication that everything he shared was too much. That he was too much.
Instead, he let out a breath of surprise and relief as Yuuji wrapped his arms around him in a tight, protective embrace. Yuuji hoped that the warmth of his hug would reach Megumi of the present, and young, lonely Megumi of the past.
Yuuji pulled away slightly, but remained close enough that Megumi could still smell the sweet, citrusy scent of his shampoo.
“I felt similar when my grandpa passed when I was in high school. I kept waiting for it to hurt less with each passing year. It’s true that it will feel easier over time, but how much time? I don’t think anybody can really say. That’s why we find people who can help us hold some of the weight when it feels especially heavy.”
Megumi hummed in agreement, pressing his forehead against Yuuji’s.
“I don’t hate the holidays; I actually have a lot of fond memories. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to bury your excitement for my sake. It just gets a little overwhelming, especially since she passed."
“It’s alright. I appreciate you letting me hold it with you, Megumi.”
“But I want to make memories with you. I want to experience all the simple and not-so-simple joys of the holiday with you. I want you to feel free to unapologetically express your excitement and happiness.”
“I’m here in whatever way you need, whether that means we treat Christmas like any other random day, or we throw a huge holiday bash.The experiences will still be great memories regardless.”
Yuuji leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth with a small smile.
“Maybe not a holiday bash this year, but I do have some other ideas that I think you might like, if you’re open to them?”
Megumi chased after Yuuji’s lips with a kiss of his own.
“I would love to hear them, Yuuji.”
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“Okay, okay, you can open your eyes now!”
Yuuji stood aside as Megumi’s eyes fluttered open and he took in the sight before him. Yuuji’s truck was parked with the trunk open, providing a cozy space to rest. The trunk was adorned with hanging string lights along the sides and filled with soft cushions, blankets, and pillows. Gentle strums of a guitar played from the radio, almost in perfect harmony with the chirps of crickets.
To say that Megumi’s heart swelled with gratitude and nostalgia was an understatement.
“How did you know about this spot?” he asked, still taking in the setup.
“Your dads helped me with that!”
Yuuji bounded over to Megumi, pulling a familiar photograph out of his pocket and outstretching his arm. He lined up the edges of the photo with the scenery, matching up as a perfect fit.
“See? We’re in the same spot as this adorable little picture.”
Megumi scowled at the sight of his childhood photo as he prepared to comment on how Gojo and Getou needed to stop randomly giving out his pictures to people. When he turned, however, any harsh words on his tongue dissolved as if they had never been there to begin with.
Yuuji grinned at him so brightly and oh, if only Megumi could bottle up the feeling he got when Yuuji looked at him with so much joy.
Megumi’s scowl softened and he allowed himself a moment to really see the wonder-filled boy in the photograph, to reflect on the making of memories, old and new.
Yuuji guided Megumi to the trunk by hand, sitting on the edge with him and wrapping a blanket around both their shoulders. So we don’t freeze to death he had said, to which Megumi had playfully rolled his eyes and snuggled closer. He placed a small cup in Megumi’s hands, before setting down one of his own. When Megumi raised a brow in question, he proudly pulled out a large thermos from behind another cushion.
Without a word, he poured steaming green-tinged, clear liquid into both cups while humming a tune that sounded akin to a strange yet comforting mix of Frosty the Snowman and Silent Night. Lifting the cup to his lips, Megumi inhaled the earthy, leafy, and slightly sweet scent of the tea. He took a small sip, shutting his eyes for just a moment to savor in the sounds, the scents, the feelings and sensations.
Yuuji watched his boyfriend with affection and a quiet sense of comfort. He took inventory of every detail that he never wanted to forget–Megumi’s long, inky lashes and his powder blue scarf wrapped snugly around him, the tips of his ears and nose tinged with pink, kissed by the frosty breeze.
When Megumi opened his eyes, Yuuji caught a glimpse of that familiar expression of wonder.
“Let’s make some Christmas wishes,” he suggested, nudging his shoulder.
Megumi nodded, looking toward the stars once again, with Yuuji following suit. Yuuji located the brightest star he could see and shut his eyes.
I wish for Megumi’s joy and contentment. I wish to make him never feel cold or lonely. I wish to be the reason he looks so full of wonder and peace, as long as he will let me be by his side.
When Yuuji opened his eyes and turned to check on his partner, his nose brushed lightly against Megumi’s with a soft gasp. Megumi’s eyes were luminous under the stars, seeming to hold a glow of their own. Yuuji wondered if he could make a million more wishes, just by staring into Megumi’s eyes.
“Hi,” Yuuji whispered.
“Hi.”
The pink crept across Megumi’s cheeks as the closeness settled in, but he did not make any move to distance himself.
“Thank you, Yuuji.”
“For what?”
Megumi cupped his boyfriend’s face, tracing circles along his cheekbones. His hands felt warm, though whether that was from his tea cup or his growing bashfulness, he wasn’t sure.
“For all of this. For being patient. For caring about me. I feel really happy.”
Megumi smiled, a whole-hearted, toothy smile, with glistening eyes absent of sorrow.
“I’m glad,” Yuuji returned the grin, nuzzling their noses together.
“Let’s do something like this every year,” Megumi said, and all Yuuji could think was of course, he’d do anything for Megumi, even if it meant moving mountains and crossing oceans.
Instead, he said, “I’d like that.”
“Merry Christmas, Yuuji,” Megumi whispered, smiling against his cheek.
“Merry Christmas, Megumi.”
Unable to stand the distance any longer, they leaned forward, sharing a gentle kiss, which soon turned to two, then three. They peppered small kisses across each other’s cheeks, stopping in between to watch the shooting stars or fireflies. Megumi traced the constellations Tsumiki had shown him when they were kids, and Yuuji pointed out the new constellations he created on the spot.
There they stayed, huddled in their bubble of warmth and gentle cheer, until their stomachs began to ache from laughter and the tea had gone cold.