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I lay awake in my bed around 3:30 am. My head feels heavy as I keep thinking about my girlfriend and the argument we had a few days ago. We've had a few arguments in the past however this one cut deeper.
“Because I don't love you anymore” her voice was filled with disdain as she then rolled away from me. I scrunch my face up trying to hold back tears as I turn to my side and look out my window looking longingly into the night sky.
The many stars start to shift and dance around in my vision as my eyes start to uncontrollably well up with tears that red light even though not there ever still present within my mind.
I slowly tense my muscles as I start to let my tears slip down my face, only small whimpers escape my sealed tight lips not wanting to pester anybody with my presence.
My mind runs wild; it knows it's not innocent. I'm quite aware of where it failed but I never truly meant for this to happen. I never meant to hurt her, I just wanted to make her happy and I guess I failed spectacularly at that.
My tears start to slip faster as I try thinking of ways to fix what I've done to try and make things right but it just hurts knowing that I've been lied to and that she's seriously this hurt I had no idea.
I sloppily wipe the tears from my eyes and decide to check my phone. The bright light of the screen reflecting off of my copper body somewhat brought me awake.
I last sent her a message a day ago. My finger reached out to type out a message but I hesitantly stopped myself, realizing it would do no good.
I start to scroll up and start rereading our argument, every little word piercing itself against me my eyes start to well up with tears again as my heart feels ice cold while still burning so hot on the inside.
I turn off my phone and shove it away from me forcefully, not able to stand looking at the messages any longer. My tears start to soak the pillow I'm laying on my body curling up as I start to feel myself cry harder and fall even deeper into this pit of despair.
It feels so deep that not even the little bits of sunshine from outside would even be able to reach me and no amount of rope would be able to withstand this heavy weight of dread on my back.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless I start choking and violently coughing as I cry my sobs not loud enough to even reach outside my room as I suffer here in the dark alone.
Alone.
I feel so alone.
This feeling of being alone eats away at my very soul.
The air feels colder around me almost to an ice frozen degree as my body squirms like there's ants under my copper ripping and tearing at my being from within.
I hold my eyes shut to hopefully shield myself from all of these feelings but to no avail it feels like nothing I do could ever ease this unrelenting pain.
It's all so debilitating, every little bit of it even just seeing her face makes me want to cry. I hate this. I hate this so much but I know I don't want to leave.
I keep thinking about her; the red plastic, the rubber treads, her metal drill, her distinct voice, the ferocious rockets, the light, the challenge, the night the fall it all just replays over and over and over.
My eyes shoot back open, unable to hold back my tears as I just keep on crying, unable to stop myself from holding back all these feelings, my heart feeling like it's throwing itself up within my body.
My brain goes haywire with all these thoughts and feelings feeling like I'm genuinely dying as I lay here in my bed my sobs growing louder at the intensity of how I feel.
Crying crying crying crying crying wishing hoping begging pleading wishing begging begging crying crying screaming yelling it all just hurts as it feels like it goes on for hours and hours but it's all futile for it's only within my head.
After a while I start to calm down a little as my head slowly starts to return to normal as my tears slowly start to subside as my sobbing turns to soft Hicks in the deep wind of the night.
I guess this whole pit of despair will just have to consume me whole as I don't see a way for things to change in a way that I would like so I would much rather just die here instead.
I feel my strength in my limbs giving out as my consciousness slowly fades as my body turns numb as it starts giving in to sleep. The last few tears roll down my face as my eyelid slowly lowers.
And I've now cried myself to sleep.