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If Lo’ak could describe himself in one word it would be “outcast”, even since birth he's felt his separation from everyone around him. His thick eyebrows, 5 fingered hands and smaller eyes served as a constant reminder of how different from everyone else he was. Looking back on his life now that he's nearing the end he realises just how alone he's always been, he's never had a real friend, only his family members that were forced to put up with his reckless nature.
All the times he had been swept to the side and ignored by the people who were supposed to love him most, building up to this point, tears freely flowing down his blue cheeks as the cold metal of his fathers rifle pressed harshly into his chin. Navi had always preached how metal corrupts the heart and poisons the hands that touch it. If it really is true Lo’ak’s hands are drenched in the figurative poison, from the guns he's held trying to protect his family to the thick dark red liquid staining his hands as he felt his own brother's heart stop beating. Lo’ak’s hands have always touched metal, and have always gone against Navi ways.
But then again what could they expect of a five fingered freak like him. As much as Lo’ak would like to believe he doesn't truly think this way, deep down he knows his family would've been better off without him. They wouldnt have to worry about their fuck up son and instead they could focus their love to Neteyam who would still be alive if it werent for Lo’ak. The closest thing he has to a friend is Payakan who was just outcast and Lo’ak couldn't even help him. His only friend banished from his own kind and all Lo’ak could do was yell and get dragged away by his father with that same look of disappointment on his face.
Sure he has Tsireya but even she would be better off without him right? The pristine and perfect chief's daughter deserves better than a bad luck charm that will only bring her more pain. As his knees dig into the sand and scratch his skin the sand dips beneath him creating an imprint of his legs. The last stain he would ever leave on the world, and soon the waves will cleanse it away making sure his mark doesn't linger. His fingers lightly and lovingly graze over the intricate and cold metal parts of the gun as he recalls how to use it.
~~~~~
“Okay now you put your pointer finger on the trigger”
Jake gently guides Lo’ak’s hands around the tiny metal trigger, Lo’ak thinks about how something so small and insignificant under his finger could take a life but he’s pulled out of his thoughts by his father.
“Kid you listening? One day you will need to protect your family and you will need to know this so pay attention”
“Sorry sir”
Lo’ak places his pointer finger on the trigger and looks through the rear sight aiming the rifle at the tree stump Jake has instructed him to shoot. With a deep breath in he presses his finger further and further down but hesitates before pulling the trigger. With a huff Jake pulls the rifle away from Lo’ak, his son making a disgruntled noise at the sudden action.
“What was that for?!”
Lo’ak asks frustratedly to which Jake gets up, standing tall and high over Lo’ak.
“If you’re gonna shoot a gun you cannot hesitate.”
“I was just aimi-”
Jake cuts Lo’ak’s half assed lie off.
“No, you hesitated. If this was a real battle, that second you took to decide whether you wanted to actually shoot could cost you someone's life or even your own. If you want to stand a chance out there you need to be sure of yourself and not hesitate like that again.”
His fathers words were harsh but at the same time Lo’ak understood why Jake was so adamant about this. He watches as his father walks away through the forest leaving a freshly 13 year old Lo’ak still sitting on the ground near the practice dummy.
~~~~~
Lo’ak guides the barrel to the centre of his chin, the metal pipe gently retouching his adam’s apple. One of his hands holds the barrel in place while the other slithers its way down to the trigger placing the extra finger Lo’ak shouldn't have on the trigger. In the distance he can hear Payakan's song and he allows the hum to lull his body. He can't help but feel disgusted at himself for abandoning Payakan like this. He shrugs off the feeling of knowing that this isn't the first time he's disappointed the people that rely on him and he pushes his soul brother's melody out of his head as he prepares to see his older brother.
“I won’t hesitate this time Dad”
Not even a kilometre away Jake sat on the woven hammock in the family’s Marui, it was nothing like the more wooden huts that he would see in the Omatikaya clan. While he doesn't feel as much “home-sickness” as Neytiri he can't help but find himself missing the lush forests and grass he had grown so accustomed to.
He drowns his reminiscing with another gulp of the sharp and strong Metkayina liquor that was stored in the gourd bottle he held. The burn in his throat and the hiss he let out as it entered his stomach harshly reminding him of how his father would drink himself stupid every night while Tommy and him would convince themselves the next night would be different. In some sad way Jake saw himself in Lo’ak, an outgoing, reckless kid who often didn't put too much thought into his actions. He has recognised that far away look in his son's eyes he would sometimes see in his eyes back in his one room apartment on earth. He wonders if his son's obviously strained mental health is due to his human DNA, dissociation in Navi’s is almost unheard of so maybe this is some cruel joke from Eywa that his son would be no more Navi than he is.
He reaches the bottle up to his lips again but before a single drop can burn his tongue Neytiri stops him, grabbing the bottle and putting it on a nearby table. The meeting with the Metkayina clan and the Tulkun’s had just ended and Neytiri, Tuk and Spider had returned home.
“Lo’ak didn't come back with you so Kiri and Tsireya have gone to find him”
Neytiri asks while removing her accessories to sleep for the night. Jake sighs as the boy's name is brought up.
“We.. We had an argument and he ran off.”
Jake replies, purposely leaving out the details due to his own suffocating guilt. He looks up at his wife to see her tilting her head at him with unimpressed eyes as she wordlessly demands to know the full story.
“He had said I wanted Payakan gone and that's why I didn't speak up and I had said that the Tulkun was a loose cannon and he kept going on and yelling and…. Baby i said something i shouldnt have”
Jake says cutting himself off and turning his head away from Neytiri.
“What did you say Ma’ jake..?”
Neytiri hesitantly questions, her tone growing worried.
“I had… I had said that if he never went after Payakan his brother would still be here.. And he pushed me and ran away.”
Jake said choking on his sentence near the end. Neytiri lightly wack’s his head making Jake look up in slight shock.
“You are blinded by your own grief to blame your son for his brother's death. Lo’ak is an emotional boy, you must go make amends with him.”
Jake nods solemnly at the direct truth in his wife's words.
“I know Tiri, and as soon as he comes home I'll talk to him.”
Neytiri gives him a faint smile before they lie down in their hammock together.
“You are very stupid sometimes Ma’ Jake but Neteyam would be happy to see you making an effort to reconcile with Lo’ak.”
Jake's hands tense at the mention of his late eldest sons, he presses a kiss to Neytiris forehead. Whispering comforts into her hair.
“I think the reason I'm so hard on him is because he reminds me of myself… I mean Neteyam was a carbon copy of you, Kiri is exactly like Grace and Lo’ak is just a reminder of all the mistakes I had made before being made again.”
Neytiri hums in agreement at Jake's confession.
“If he reminds you of yourself, treat him as you would have wished your father treated you.”
While simple her words carried a weight that rested in Jake's consciousness and he looked at the Marui ceiling before nodding and deciding that from then on he would be more of a father rather than a commander. The wind outside carried the subtle salt water smell and the occasional Ilu call however one sound snapped Jake’s mind out of its thoughts.
The sand that once had Lo’ak’s leg imprints now had a dent in the shape of his limp body. The rifle fell to the side and the boy's body lay down on his side with his arms and legs lying on the sand loosely as if he had just fallen asleep. As Tsireya and Kiri ran up the sand dune they might've thought the same thing if it weren't for the crimson liquid pooling around him in stark contrast to his blue skin. The sand slowly soaking the thick liquid but the blood kept spilling out of the gun shot wound with seemingly no end. With a cry Tsireya slid across the sand ignoring the burn in her knees that Lo’ak must've felt as he kneeled. Kiri gasps her hand clasping over her mouth at the sight of her adoptive brother laying so sickeningly still.
Despite their lack of biological connection they were still incredibly close. Unlike the dark red pool beneath Lo’ak, blood was not thicker than water and they acted as any other sibling pair. Kiri kneels next to her brother's body caressing his hair that looks starkly similar to Neteyam's; she listens for a pulse and when she's met with a suffocating silence she lets her tears fall as she rests her forehead on Lo’ak’s body with a wail. Tsireya silently sobs to the side and Kiri looks up at her.
“Tsireya please.. Get our parents… please”
Tsireya nods and gets up and runs to the Marui that the Sully’s were allocated, forgetting the formalities she had as the next Tsahik in line she frantically knocks on the door to already see Jake sitting up right.
“Ma’ Jake i’m sure it was nothing”
She hears Neytiri whisper as she runs inside.
“Neytiri, Jake! Hurry come with me! It’s Lo’ak..”
The combination of pure distress in her voice, the tear stains on her cheeks, the slight red tinge to her bright aqua fingers and the familiar sound Jake had just heard propels his body upwards and Neytiri follows as they frantically get out of the hammock.
“Follow me!”
The three run with the two adults following behind Tsireya. The poor girl was a year younger than Lo’ak and already had the pressure of her future as Tsahik on her shoulders. Neytiri could relate to her burden however the traditions at the Metkayina clan were much more harsh than her home. Tsireya leads them through the shallow water where they see a sand dune and on the top they can make out the outline of someone kneeling in the sand. The most worrying part were the broken wails echoed across the water.
Jake and Neytiri run faster than possible and Tsireya lags behind her, the physical and emotional exhaustion catching up with her as she collapses into the shallow water her legs under her and her head in her hands as she tried to convince herself the image of Lo’ak’s bloodied body was nothing but a cruel figment of her imagination. That her and Lo’ak’s blooming connection was cut short must've been a nightmare. She may be young but she has known stress her whole life however the constant pressure in her life dissipated when she was with the forest boy. As if nothing else in the world mattered when it was just them two.
Lo’ak had seen her as Tsireya not just “The Chiefs Daughter” or “The Future Tsahik” ,no Lo’ak saw her as a 14 year old girl who loved braiding hair and riding Ilu’s as fast as they could through the water. Tsireya had seen past Lo’ak’s different traits that everyone in her family criticised. She intertwined her webbed fingers with all five of his, she had caressed his face letting her thumb graze over his eyebrows and she had comforted him through the unfamiliar territory of his self doubt and hatred. However now she believes she hadn't done enough if the boy who made her feel this seen had ended his life without anyone to see him.
Breaking Tsireya out of her thoughts is the heart wrenching cry Neytiri lets out. She walks up the dune to see Kiri holding Lo’ak’s hand kneeling next to him, Neytiri cradling his head in her lap as if he was a newborn and Jake kneeling away from the body with a forlorn expression in his eyes.
“My son! My Lo’ak!”
Neytiri wails while slowly caressing her youngest son's head. One of her hands is firmly placed on the gunshot entry point as if stopping the blood flow now would reverse time in Lo’ak’s favour. Kiri was still crying but not as heavily and Jake’s face was wet, his hands covered in blood up to the elbow, presumably from shifting Lo’ak’s body. His bloodied hand clasped over his mouth and nose smearing his son's blood onto his face. Unbeknownst to Jake and Neytiri, Spider had run after them and was standing behind Kiri, his face shocked and scared as he stared at his best friend and brother lying still as a statue. The Sully family stay in that position before Jake gets up, grabbing the rifle and launching it into the water with a scream. For a man as respected as Toruk Makto the raw display of hurt and vulnerability adding to the already hopeless moment.
“Neytiri take the kids and tell Tonowari we need to go to the cove of ancestors.”
“I cannot leave my son her-!”
Before Neytiri can keep yelling Jake cuts her off.
“Please.. We need to let him join Neteyam”
Neytiri stills before getting up, Kiri and Spider following her, leaving just Tsireya and Jake.
Tsireya takes the accessories out of his hair and takes the leather armour like accessories off his arm revealing old symmetrical linear scars covering his inner forearm. Her entire body goes rigid as she sees this and Jake follows he line of sight to see the obviously self inflicted scars on his son's body. Jake holds his son's wrist gently placing a kiss to the bumpy scars.
“I’m sorry Lo’ak i have failed you”
Tsireya watches Jake apologise over and over again and she knows she can't say anything to comfort the distraught father so instead she hands him Lo’ak’s song cord that she removed from his loin cloth. Jake gently holds the song cord afraid a rough movement might break one of the last remaining things he has from his sons.
“He once explained what each bead meant to him.”
Tsireya said, her voice wobbly as she tried to force it to be stable. She outstretches her hand pointing to a bead that looks like it was carved out of a Ikran tusk.
“He explained this one was when he attempted his first Ikinimiya with you watching, he told me how he failed miserably and practically fell off a cliff but he said he added it to his song cord anyways as it was one of the happiest memories he has with you. As despite his disappointment in himself you told him about your failures as well.”
Jake's hand trembles as he holds the song cord, Tsireya's words making the light rope feel like a boulder in his hands. He holds Tsireya's hand and faces her palm upwards before giving her his song cord. Tsireya looks up at the formidable Toruk Makto with tear stains on his cheeks in shock.
“Lo’ak would always talk about you to anyone he could. It was quite obvious he loved you. You should keep it.”
“Thank you Jake…”
Without another word Jake runs his hand over Lo’ak’s eyes closing them permanently before scooping his baby boy into his arms and getting up. Lo’ak’s limp body leans into Jake's chest and for a moment Jake lies to himself that his son is just sleeping, knowing deep down that he would never see Lo’ak awake again.
The tall avatar walks slowly to the cove of ancestors, every step long and drawn out as if the longer he took to get there the more time he would have with his son before Eywa took his body. Every step he took as he waded through the shallow water felt like his entire body was weighing him down as he walks the familiar path he had taken only 2 weeks ago with Neteyam’s body in his arms In the distance he could see Neytiri and his kids floating in the deeper water and to the land near them Tonowari and Ronal with somber expressions on their faces.
Jake inhaled and exhaled trying to keep a facade of strength up as he tried to come to terms with how he lost both of his sons in one month. He catches himself humming a quiet tune to his son's still body, he can't recall where the melody is from but it felt right. As the water gets deeper Jake’s arms tighten around Lo’ak’s skin, still warm from the life he once had. Tsireya, who was swimming further behind him, fully submerges herself and swims ahead to where Neytiri is. Jake slowly follows suit and as soon as his feet lose contact with the ocean floor the gravity of the situation hits him fully.
Every step he takes is a year he could've seen his son grow up. Get married, have kids, and become the man Jake had always seen in him. All those years of watching his beautiful boy flourish lost to his own faults as a human but more so as a father. His eyes flick up to Kiri, Tuk and even Spider as he makes a promise to treat them as well as he possibly could. Unlike how he promised to make amends with Lo’ak earlier that night he vowed to himself he would do anything to keep this promise. Slowly he swims through the ocean, his head almost fully submerged underwater as he tries to keep his son on the surface even though Lo’ak had stopped breathing. He finally makes it to his family and Tsireya and he looks to Neytiri who swims down with Jake and their son’s body.
Gently they hold either side of Lo’ak and carefully place him on the sea floor, the golden sea anemones illuminating everyone's faces, shining bright just as Lo’ak had once. Their tears mix with the salt water around them as Jake and Neytiri return to the surface, watching as the anemones cover his body like a child being tucked in. Before long any trace of their son was gone and all they had left was in Lo’ak’s belongings scattered around the Marui that once housed both of their sons.
Tsireya sniffles before swimming to the shore where Ronal and Tonowari still stand, Lo’ak’s song cord braided into the front of her hair. Without a word she collapses into her fathers outstretched arms and as Tonowari hugs his daughter Ronal wraps her arms around The two.
“It’s okay my daughter, tomorrow we will connect to Eywa and visit him.”
Tsireya nods into Tonowari’s shoulder that had a wet glisten to the skin thanks to the flowing tears from his daughter. Jake can’t help but stare from afar as he wishes he had been able to hold Lo’ak like that one more time. The Sully family returned to the now cold and desolate Marui which once was filled with laughter and banter from their two sons. Now however they all lie in their hammocks the sound of waves and birds squawking and they all try to get whatever sleep they can to help heal the physical exhaustion weighing on all of them.
That night near the Three Brothers rocky area both of Jake Sully's sons had died, however only Neteyam stopped breathing. However Lo’ak had always tried to do what his brother did and now he had stopped breathing too. The thought rang through Jake’s mind as sleep evaded him like some cruel punishment but eventually as daylight reached into the woven room he gave up on rest.
The young boy’s spirit sat on a tall cliff in the spirit realm, he thought about how each person would react to his death, but he forgot to account for one.
“Lo’ak…?”
The familiar deeper voice rings out behind him and he turns his head to see Neteyam standing frozen with his eyes wide in shock.
“Brother please don’t tell me you..”
Neteyam doesn't finish his sentence, his worst fears confirmed when he spots the hole like scar in Lo’ak’s chin. Lo’ak gets up and roughly hugs his brother without exchanging any words.
“Why did you… why Lo’ak”
Lo’ak feels his resolve crumble and the unfamiliar waver in Neteyam's voice.
“I'm sorry big bro i just… i couldnt take being an outcast anymore.”
Neteyam shakes his head. “You were never an outcast you skxawng the only person who outcasted you was yourself”