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Pangi, who grows up being told he should be able to feel his soulmate’s pain, but who feels a deep and profound nothingness instead. It’s like there’s a pit in his chest where his heart- his soul- should be, and nobody he talks to understands what he’s talking about
(And _____, who sits in a tube all day and only remembers he’s alive when he feels phantom pains across his body from what ____ says is his soulmate.)
Pangi wakes up and there’s needle pricks in his wrists and elbows and his- his fucking temples, it’s insane, but it’s the only actual pain he feels from his soulmate, so he latches onto it and holds onto it as he lays alone at night
Sometimes when he was younger, his knuckles would hurt like he had just punched somebody. Later, and not at all now, his throat would hurt like he’d just gotten done screaming
When he was sixteen, he had to look up what electrocution felt like just to make sure what he was feeling was real
But, really, it’s mostly just nothing. Can that be pain? The absence of feeling? Zam says so, but Zam is also more philosophical than Pangi has ever been
Sometimes Pangi feels bad for his soulmate for having to deal with his pain. End crystals, beheadings, tnt, impalements… potions and tridents and stalactites and wardens and evil amusement parks and his own idiocy. The steady feeling of getting weaker and weaker as his hearts go down, the constant nerve pain and the never-ending ache in his joints from never having a safe and comfortable place to sleep.
But, really, Pangi’s soulmate is a warrior, too. She’s got to be! Who else would be unlucky enough to get cosmically linked with a Lifestealer? So she’s got to be used to the pain… even if she doesn’t send much of her own Pangi’s way
The Realm is semi-hardcore, so Pangi takes everything much gentler than he would on Lifesteal. (Also, half the Realmers probably don’t even know how to bucket clutch, so it would be wayyyy overkill if he went crazy on them.)
He tells Bad about his soulmate first. Bad, weirdly, refers to Pangi’s soulmate as ‘they’, but that’s also just polite, right? He doesn’t know who Pangi’s soulmate is, just like how Pangi doesn’t know. And it’s cool for Bad to not immediately assume Pangi’s sexuality, that’s cool. He’s cool, even if he has a weird obsession with Foolish.
“It sounds to me like your soulmate is in purgatory,” Bad tells him. “They’re stuck between life and death. It’s painful, but not impossible to fix.”
…Purgatory, huh?
And then the Red Faction arrives, and Pangi finds himself making out with a frog-man and meeting Pili and feeling electricity shoot down his spine, and not from his soulmate this time.
Pili wants to join Green. He’s a furry, but that’s fine because the way he twirls his axe when he’s trying to show off is sooo… and the way his fur fluffs up when he’s annoyed is sooo…
But Pili calls Pangi gay. He gets a cut on his palm one time, and Pangi doesn’t feel a thing. He yells and snaps and tells Pangi to leave him alone forever and cries when Pangi does as he’s told.
“It’s okay if you’re gay, I promise!” Pili wails, holding onto Pangi’s sleeve with his claws and knelt on the dirt at Pangi’s feet. “It’s okay!”
“Of course it’s okay,” says Pangi, who is not homophobic (contrary to Tubbo’s opinions.) “But I’m straight, Pili.”
(But he made out with Harry.) (And he’ll take Sausage to the ball and drink himself stupid when he finds out about the others.) (And he feels a part of himself die when Pili does even though they aren’t, and never could be, soulmates.)
Ros doesn’t have a soulmate. She whispers this into Pangi’s ear while they’re together stalking Aimsey through the woods like normal best friends do.
“Do you think Aimsey does?” she asks.
Aimsey picks a flower. They twirl it between their fingers, smile, and put it in their inventory; the flower is purple, and Pangi, by now, firmly believes that soulmates can be chosen just as often as they can be determined by the universe.
He thinks about this later as he brushes Pedro’s fur. He barely even feels his soulmate’s nothing anymore, it’s just… empty, and not in the normal way. What’s happening to them- her? Are- is she okay?
(…Is there any point in denying it?)
The world mocks Pili’s death.
Owen dies for it, Sneeg kept one of Pili’s paws after death and keeps it hung on his belt next to his potions. Beky writes about how miserable and lonely Pangi is without his boyfriend despite Pangi emphasizing to everyone that he is straight.
Sausage calls himself a rebound and makes out with a dozen other men even though Pangi dressed up and did his hair and makeup and everything for what was supposed to be his first happy night since Pili’s death.
Pili’s weird goddamn ghost torments him by calling him things and- and wearing Pili’s face, and-
Even Aimsey and Ros make fun of him, but at least Aimsey has the decency to look ashamed in the Null when he snaps, “Nice of you guys to decide that for me, huh?”
(…Yes, yes, there is.)
The Null is cold and empty, just like how Bad one time explained Purgatory to feel like. Pangi can almost mistake his soulmate’s pain for his own, and he mutters an apology under his breath every time Ros and Aimsey claw and his skin and pull at his scales with their teeth.
(L____ moans in pain and clutches his arms, and ____ makes a decision after going to the overworld and seeing scars on the pangolin’s arms after his release.)
One day, Pangi goes to sleep.
And, one day, Pangi wakes up warm.
…He also wakes up with a scream, tumbling out of his bed and scaring Pedro into the attic. He clutches his stomach with both arms, curled into a ball and whimpering pathetically.
Death. He feels death.
His soulmate died.
But, on the Realm, very few people actually die. The pain subsides within moments, and Pangi falls asleep on the floor a few moments later, still exhausted both mentally and physically from the Null.
“I’m Pangi,” he says, nonchalant and cool.
The new guy smiles and accepts the handshake; his hands are cold and smooth, unburdened by the heavy weight of slaughter.
“I’m Lukey,” he replies, “it’s nice to finally meet you.”
Lukey is a cool guy, even if he’s the clumsiest guy Pangi’s ever met.
He’s so clumsy, in fact, that it takes less than an hour for cold dread to take hold of Pangi’s heart: Lukey smacks his head on his way into the potion room, and Pangi feels the sting of it.
A man.
A man cuts himself on his own sword, and Pangi feels it.
…A man also builds Pedro a cat tree and adds his face to Green Castle and responds to Pangi’s joking flirtations with a non-judgmental smile.
Lukey is killed by Sneegsnag, and Pangi feels it from all the way across the server asleep.
Impossible, but…
…Bad helps Pangi to his feet after Lukey’s body despawns. He hands Pangi a pack of tissues and sits him back in his chair and reminds him that Lukey will respawn. He will.
It was just supposed to be a joke.
Pangi’s ears are still ringing from the pain as he breaks the news to Pili. He slaps he gets in turn is nothing compared to the feeling of death settling into his bones.
The next day, he listens as his drunk soulmate calls him a dick. Lukey talks and talks and talks and talks, and-
Pangi pinches his own forearm to get him to stop.
Lukey squeals in shock and jumps and looks at his own arm, sees nothing, and squints up at Pangi in calculating confusion.
The realization hits him slowly thanks to the wine, but, when it does, he slumps back into his chair and holds his wine bottle to his chest like it’s a teddy bear. He looks absolutely pathetic; Pangi wants to eat him in, like, a normal way.
“I kept my last life for you,” Lukey says, voice soft. (Pangi’s heart skips a beat. To say that to a Lifestealer is…)
He laughs humorlessly and closes his eyes. “How was I to expect that my own soulmate would be the one to do me in like that?”
(…Ouch.)
Outside of the castle, Pangi pops the question:
“If you aren’t going to the ball with Pili… would you maybe want to go with me?”
He stands back and watches as Lukey turns to face him, face tied up in disbelief.
This is absolutely going to be in the newspaper, but it’ll be worth it.
I want you to be happy, Pili’s book said. (Basically.)
Lukey laughs nervously and turns halfway back around. “That’s pretty gay, dude.”
His head tilts down, and his fringe covers his eyes. He’s smiling, just a little, and Pangi’s chest hurts from how fast Lukey’s heart is beating.
Lukey glances up through his hair, waiting for a reply.
Even just a week ago, Pangi would deny it.
But now, it’s just him and his soulmate, and not even BadBoyHalo is here to make fun of him.
“Is that a no, or…?” Pangi playfully asks, already knowing what Lukey is going to say.
Lukey rolls his eyes, smile broadening. “Yeah, okay. Sure. Let’s do it.”
(Pangi cheers so hard that Lukey’s vocal cords ache. His face stings when Pangi faceplants after a failed elytra landing, and his ears ring hours later when Sneeg tries to kill him.
It’s all worth it for the shared adrenaline rush days later when Pangi races away from the ball covered in blood, their heartbeats completely in sync.)