Work Text:
The dining room of the Roswaal mansion was quiet as usual in that kind of tense, I'm-being-evaluated-for-murder kind of way.
Subaru Natsuki was seated at the long table with his hands in his lap, smiling far too calmly.
Behind Subaru was Rem.
Ram was drinking tea but with visible disgust.
Emilia was in the middle of biting into her bread.
Roswaal was watching with that curious look that a man watches a frog before it blows itself up.
Subaru cleared his throat.
"Actually," he began.
Immediately, Rem clutched the hilt of her morning star tighter.
"Whenever you say 'actually', something bad will happen," said Ram.
Subaru nodded seriously. "Yes, that's true."
Subaru then got to his feet and placed one foot on the table.
Then he took a seat there by crossing his legs in that way someone takes a seat on a chair to make an announcement.
"There is one thing that I've realized recently," he declared.
Emilia blinked. "S-Subaru... what are you doing on the table?"
"I want to commit some war crimes in Vollachia."
Silence.
"…Excuse me?" Emilia asked kindly.
Rem twitched an eye. "Subaru-kun," she replied sweetly, "would you please explain whyyyyou would make statements of aggressive intentions towards a foreign country in the middle of our morning meal?"
Subaru waived his hand. "Not enough time. The vibes are telling me."
Roswaal laughed. "Fufufu~ Such a delightfully insane response."
Ram sighed. "Fantastic. The suspicious man has finally lost it."
Subaru jumped off the table and made his way to the front door.
Rem immediately put herself in front of him, her weapon drawn. "I cannot let you go anywhere."
Subaru snapped his fingers.
The entire mansion shook.
Everyone stopped breathing.
Suddenly, from outside, sounded a noise that nobody had ever heard in Lugunica before.
FWOOOOOOOOOOOM
Windows vibrated. Skies yelled.
Emilia made her way to the window. "WHAT IS THAT?!"
Outside—the most out-of-place thing anybody could possibly imagine—stood a modern jet fighter, matte gray, covered in missiles. In a world where flying should only be done by dragons.
With a ladder ready for climbing down.
"…Subaru," Emilia stated slowly, "why does a metallic dragon sit outside?"
Subaru grinned. "Ah, yes, glad to see it spawned properly."
Rem gaped. Her mind literally could not comprehend the world around it. "W-Where did that thing come from?"
"No one knows," Subaru chirped happily. "Not even me."
Roswaal leaned out the window and his eyes gleamed. "That device… It doesn't draw its power from mana, correct?"
"Not at all."
"Remarkable."
Subaru ascended the ladder and stopped halfway, turning around.
"Dinner's on me tonight. Don't worry about staying up."
Subaru flashed a victory sign.
The cabin sealed shut.
The engine whirred.
Then, with an earth-shattering explosion of advanced technology, Subaru Natsuki—suspected guest, accused murderer, and full-on lunatic—took flight, shattering the sound barrier and several natural laws along with it.
The entire group stood there, dumbfounded.
Ram broke the tension. "Well."
"…Indeed?" Roswaal asked.
"Do we log this as an 'action by an enemy faction' or a 'Tuesday'?"
Rem slowly put her weapon away.
"…I don't think," she murmured dryly, "that he's spying for us."
Way up in the clouds, Subaru let out a bloodcurdling laugh.
"LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, VOLLACHIA! WE'RE HERE TO BRING DEMOCRACY!"
No one ever found out where the plane came from.
Or how he managed to fly it.
But honestly?
They didn't dare ask.