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Ilya, an obedient and loyal son even after the death of his father, took his cues from David. When David made no movement to follow Yuna as she left the table, Ilya let Shane leave behind her without pursuit. He heard the front door close and he set down his fork, folding his hands across his lap before he cursed himself for forgetting the etiquette his father had peppered him with as a child: wrists on the table. He was a guest. Act like it. He tented his fingers and swallowed and then turned to David.
“They’ll be okay,” David said. He smiled at Ilya, a gesture whose meaning Ilya could not parse. “Don’t worry.”
Ilya nodded and swallowed again more loudly than he wanted to.
“Are you okay?” David said. He’d resumed eating when Ilya wasn’t watching and was halfway through sawing a meatball in half. “I can’t imagine this is how you planned to spend your day.”
“I am fine,” Ilya said, which was close enough to the truth. He was fine. Things were okay. His boyfriend was having a panic attack. These meatballs were really good. He felt like his entire life was on display and not like how it felt to talk to the media. He didn’t give a fuck when the rags talked about him fucking girls in every city he visited. Sure, he’d slept around plenty in his career. The reputation didn’t bother him because it didn’t matter. The only thing that had ever mattered was Shane, and no one was allowed to know that.
Shane mattered to Ilya and so Shane’s dad mattered to Ilya. But really, Shane’s dad terrified Ilya. Moms—even Shane’s mom, who made Ilya nervous in her own way—he knew how to work with. He understood and agreed with the intensity with which they loved and how they chose to express that love. Dads, though, confounded him. Ilya was afraid of becoming the kind of tyrant his father had, knowingly or not, taught him to be. Ilya refused to be like that. But if a father was not a tyrant, then who was he?
“Are you familiar with a website called YouTube?” David said. He had a clump of spaghetti on his fork, and he speared a meatball as he looked at Ilya.
“YouTube?” Ilya said. Youtube? Was this a fucking joke?
“Shane told me about it,” David said, mid-chew. “It’s a—”
“I have been on YouTube,” Ilya said. “Am familiar.”
“Oh, great,” David said. “There’s always something new these days, I can’t keep up. But anyway, I was on YouTube a few weeks ago, maybe a month, and—you know how it recommends videos to you? The ones it wants you to watch?”
Ilya didn’t move because he didn’t realize David was asking a question; it was only after an uncomfortable lapse into silence that David asked again, and Ilya choked out his answer, confirming that yes, he did know that YouTube recommended videos to its viewers. He scolded himself for not responding immediately. David probably thought he was being rude on purpose.
“Well, anyway, I can’t remember what I was watching. I don’t think it was hockey, but it might have been, but then I was watching animal videos, and this video—it had the strangest title—I clicked on it. I’ll never forget it—it was called Gay penguins raise chick together at zoo. It had six million views.”
Ilya blinked twice, wishing he spoke better English, that he understood what David was trying to tell him with this information, what kind of reaction David was expecting.
“Gay penguins,” Ilya said. “I did not know.”
“That’s exactly what I said,” David said, his face breaking into a wide grin. Ilya saw traces of Shane’s smile on David’s face. “I just had no idea that penguins could be like that, and it really got me thinking—this was at the time, you know, before we even knew about Shane and you—love is just—” David trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. He set down his fork. Ilya hadn’t touched his food since Shane left. “It’s just a beautiful thing, love. And what does it matter if a woman loves, you know, another woman? Or man and man.”
Ilya lost his battle with himself and withdrew his wrists from the table, letting his hands drop to his lap as he squeezed his fists so tightly it hurt. He wanted to be furious; he wanted to be cynical. What did this guy know about love? What did this guy know about secrets and fear and desire so bad it made you want to tear yourself in half? What did he know about disappointing everyone around you just by virtue of your existence? Love had the potential to be beautiful, yes, but it was just as likely to be devastating and inconvenient.
But from the way he was acting, Ilya was forced to admit it was clear David Hollander knew a lot about love. What else could explain the joy radiating off of him as Shane and Yuna returned? Yuna had her arms around Shane. Both of them were crying. David stood and took them both in his arms. Ilya suddenly wanted to know everything there was to know about love, and he knew he was in the right place to learn.