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It hurts. It hurts so much. Lovino sits against the bathroom wall, nude after showering, the cold touch against his back and bottom. His skin continued to boil, as the after affects of the heated water slowly faded away, his skin marked red. He pulled his legs closer to his body, tears slowly streaming down his face. He softly sobbed, memories of the recent events flashing through his mind. I could still hear the harsh words, the yelling piercing his ears. He could feel those once loving gentle hands push him away once again. He tasted bile in his mouth as the lips he loved tore his heart apart, ripping innocence from him.
Lovino cried...
The moon was high, it was pass midnight but Lovino was too afraid to sleep. To afraid to face his fears which would haunt him in his dreams. He counted each start of the night, slowly losing count after he counted a hundred. Distraction was his only escape. He just didn't want to let go of something that has already left. He wanted the presence of his lover. But once again, it was just the past.. He has no lover, he has no one to love him. It hurt but it didn't matter to him anymore. He always lived a life of being alone. Being belittled to the point where all preferred his much sweeter brother.
Even so, even if he says he's fine... He still wants to cry into the arms of his lover that left him for someone else.
Lovino felt lonely...
His chest felt heavy, his cheeks crusted with the dried up tears that shed for every star he counted. The spark in his eyes left, the once feisty fire he felt dimmed. He felt dulled, numb, useless. His finger tips were cold at the nipping wind which bit at his redden cheeks as well as he sat by the window. His eyes drooped but he fought against it, not wanting to be pulled back into something that was not real. Lovino sighed and looked down at his left ring finger, slowly taking it off, placing it on the dark nightstand. There was no use for it now. He had no one to love him so what is the point of wearing it? A sharp pain went through him as tears burned at his eyes, nose getting stuffed as he sniffled away, forcing him self to not cry about something as petty as that. But it hurt so much.. It hurts when they leave..
Lovino was in pain...
The rising sun gleamed through the white curtains which had a soft green tint to them which was barely noticeable. It didn't matter but to Lovino it meant the world, every detail, every curve of the curtain screamed the name of his lover. Of course it did... He bought them. He chose them and put it up. Lovino remembered the happy face he had when he hung them up, watching his love doing his best to make it perfect. When he asked for the reason why he bought the curtains, his lover replied
"They remind me of you. Of me as well. White is pure and you are pure. Green is happiness and I guess I'm happiness. I'm your happiness." The bright smile, the only smile that Lovino fell in love with disappeared as the memory vanished. He screamed, grabbing the fabric, ripping it off of it's pole. He ripped the fabric apart, tearing it, screaming curse words. Tears streamed down his face once again, cursing his lover's name, sobbing and curling up into the floor once again. He sobbed loudly, disgustingly to himself, swearing that he will never love again. That he will never find anyone else who loved him as he did.. But he's not the same person. He lost his memories.
"Remember...?"
Lovino was broken...
Memories of him rushing into the hospital, crying as he searched for his his band, his only love. The only person who accepted him for who he is. He rushed into his hospital room and immediately sobbed as he saw him in wounds, bandages, sitting up as he were in a trance. But it didn't matter to Lovino. His husband was alive, his life was alive. He rushed to hug him, crying and placing face into the neck he kissed when they shared intimate nights together. Tears wet the skin of his lover, but he did not care, he had what he loved. He whispered words of endearment, words of love into his lover's skin. But soon.. It all shattered as he heard the words he did not expect to hear.
"I'm sorry but... Who are you?" In that moment, Lovino felt that it wasn't his green eyed idiot that he knew... It was someone else.
Lovino hated those words...
Lovino watched as His husband left, leaving him alone to talk to friends, to make new friends to at least gain his memories back. But Lovino knew that he wasn't going to get his lover again. He wasn't going to be able to share their kisses late at night when he had nightmares, they wouldn't cuddle under the sheets after being intimate with each other. They wouldn't share words of endearment with each other anymore. He realized this when he saw his lover bring someone Lovino had never met before.. Saying that they were together.. Before he knew it, a few months after.. His lover left him completely.. Leaving him behind, not taking a second glance at his way. Friends did try to help Lovino, His husbands old friends did try to support Lovino.. But it wasn't enough... Lovino wanted his husband... He wanted his Antonio back but he knows that he's never coming back.
Lovino accepted his bad luck.
He signed the divorce papers, right after the person he least wanted to see gave them to him, apologizing softly. In that moment Lovino wanted to burst into tears. But what difference would it make? Everything he loved his gone now. Dark circles adorned his face, he look thinner than usual. It worried Antonio to see his friend in this condition and asked Lovino if he was okay. Lovino debated if he should tell the truth or lie? Lovino lied. It's not like this was his old Antonio.. His old Antonio knew when he lied. His old Antonio knew everything about him. From his deepest darkest secrets to every part of his body and personality. He knew what Lovino loved, hated, ate or what time he slept and got up. He knew every single thing about him.. But this Antonio knew nothing. He was clueless. Not like his old Antonio. As Lovino finished signing the papers, Antonio stared at Lovino, looking curious.
"Are you positive that you're fine, Lovino? You're frowning a lot more than usual." Lovino bluntly replied, as if he were avoiding to speak to him. But Antonio pressed on, staring at him.
"But you're thinner than usual Lovino"
"I've always been thin"
"Lovino you need to take care of yourself.
"I don't fucking take care of yourself"
"Lovino you're literally starving, you have no fruit here in the house!"
"I know k don't because I need to go grocery shopping!
"Lovi please take care of yourself. I really care about you."
A loud slamming echoed through out the small house, tears burning at Lovino's eyes as he glared at the giant green eyes he loved to death, standing on his feet not bothering with the discarded chair. He watched as Antonio's eyes widened in shock. Oh how he wanted to wake up every morning to them, to those soft lips against his face and lips. To feel his warmth his scent his everything. It hurt. It hurt that he wasn't his anymore. That he couldn't say that that beautiful man wasn't his husband anymore...
"I'm fucking fine! I'm just tired Antonio! Stop fucking saying that you care about me when you left me! When you're leaving our fucking marriage! I loved you! You were my husband! Now get the fuck out of my house you fucking bastard! Leave me alone! Go with your new love! I-I don't want you n-near me! ... It hurts..." Softly, he sobbed, covering his face trying to muffle the sounds. He cried hard and long, not wanting to be in this situation anymore. But slowly he felt the oh so familiar arms wrap around him, a weight placed on his head.
"Perdon Lovino... I'm so sorry... I've hurt you so much. I've hurt you so very much and I apologize. I'm sorry I cannot love you the way you want me to.." Lovino sobbed harder, grabbing onto his shirt, staining it with tears. He felt the hands he loved on his back, rubbing away his stress. He wanted more than this hug, he wanted so much more. He wanted to be taken into the embrace of him, so he can forget about everything. He wanted to be happy again with someone he loved. But he couldn't. Slowly Lovino looked up at Antonio, slowly leaning up, nearing face to his. Slowly he leans in, wanting to feel the warmth on his lips, wanting to feel the soft lips against his. But Antonio pulled away and sighed, pushing Lovino away as well.
"Perdon, Lovino... I cant.. I'm with someone else, remember?" And yes Lovino remembered. But doesn't he fucking know that they're married? That they're still bonded...? He glared and pushed Antonio, shouting swears and insults at him, not caring about how he cried. He threw the divorce papers towards him, as they fluttered. Antonio frowned, glaring at him for the first time, picking up the papers and said right at him, with no hesitation.
"I don't fucking get how I even married you in the first place. You really don't deserve to be happy if you're going to be fucked up.." And the door slammed, making Lovino flinch. Antonio left. He's gone. He's no where. He's not coming back. Lovino sobbed, walking to the bathroom turning on the shower onto the highest temperature. he took off his clothes and walked in, feeling the water burn his skin, leaving red marks along his back and shoulders. He became dizzy, but didn't mind it.
Lovino was furious...
Lovino got out of the shower but his legs wobbled, after standing for a long period of time. Slowly he walked over to the empty wall, slowly sliding down to the cold marble floor, closing eyes, tipping nose towards the ceiling. He sat nude on the ground, wondering why did God have to hurt him in this way? Why did God despise him? His happiness left him. The onto happiness he ever had in his entire life left him.. But the only thought that ran through his head was...
What about just dying? He has no purpose. No one loves him. Even his own ex husband said it to him.
He noticed his depression pills he received a week prior...
Lovino makes mistakes sometimes...
He disappeared. He gave was everyone wanted. For the grumpy cold hearted Italian to disappear. And he gave it to them. He gave it to everyone. He didn't take the pills. He wouldn't go that far. He packed his clothes, everything he needed and left. He disappeared. No one will hurt him and he won't hurt anyone. What would it matter? Nothing matters. He placed everything in his new home. He didn't give his address to anyone. Not even his brother. They don't need someone negative like him.. As he unpacked he noticed a dark little velvet box. He picked it up and slowly opened it, revealing a small wedding ring he took off. It wasn't valuable anymore. Precious things are not meant for him.. Everything leaves him eventually. He sat on his bed, staring at the beautiful ring Antonio gave to him when he proposed. Remembering the way Antonio looked at him, loving and tender. But now he gets blank stares and fake smiles. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Something he always repeated in his head. But it still mattered to him. He still wants Antonio to love him in return.
Once again he's left alone.
No one will love him like how Antonio did.