Chapter Text
The sun was sparkling in the soft summer blue that held a wisp or two of the whitest clouds you ever did see. The pale baby blue reflected in Gabriel’s eyes and reminded him of Jeremy’s favourite jeans and the colour of the card that sat in his school bag. He walked along the side of grey pavement and grass rectangles that led to the place he dreaded the most, school.
He walked for a while, admiring the light breeze against his warm skin and how it fluttered around his head like a butterfly. Like Jeremy’s hands when he jokingly put the paper bunny ears on his brown hair at his bowling party earlier in the month.
Gabriel had been so preoccupied in his thoughts that he barely noticed that susie and fritz had joined him and that more children were around. He only woke from the trance when his bully flicked his forehead and started to call him names to his face.
They repeated a lot of the same jokes and takes on his names, mainly calling him a homosexual due to how he dresses and acts and speaks and….Jeremy. His mind slowed down enough for his thoughts to take over and he walked away, he was used to it anyway, do they not see the wooden cross that sat along his chest and know how he is forbidden to do anything like, that. It would betray his parents, his community, himself to be so. He loved Jeremy like a best friend yet they saw the sleepovers and holding each other as queer.
Sure he had nights were he wished Jeremy was a girl so they could be as together as they wished without the yelling or fighting that would come with reality if he was in love. It made his stomach churn even at the thought. What would god think of his thoughts? He would banish him to the flames of hell and eternal torture.
He sat in his classroom and watched as normal to see Jeremy get off the bus yet the boy never appeared. He felt like he swallowed a handful of butterflies and they were tumbling around his stomach they burned in acid of Gabriel thinking of how he might have heatstroke from them riding their bikes in the summer sun yesterday. He hoped that the boy he cared so much for was alright, it also made him second guess that card that sat fully safe at the top of his folder that read things that Gabriel wasn’t even sure if he knew fully.
-
As the sun blazed on in the sky, Gabriel was knocking on a red door that was much farther than his house. He twiddled his thumbs nervously as he waited for an answer from Jeremy, he hadn’t rung the phone at his house or told anyone he was unwell, or at least Gabriel thought that he would tell him first if he was.
Only after at least a few minutes passed, the door opened and an adult let him enter, saying something something about Jeremy but what really caught his attention was how the lady said ‘missing’, his eyes widened and dilated in fear and his body wanted to run and hide and a combination of other instincts at once. He started to brain up a storm ideas for how and where he could be. He didn’t know what to think and he fell to his knees, starting to shake in the overwhelming pain.
Jeremys parent led the crying child up the stairs and to the familiar room that he knew the layout of even with blurred eyes and wobbling legs. He sat of the side of the blue covered bed and heard a soft click of the door. He wiped the water from his eyes to get a good look of the room and noticed a change in the pictures on his wall, the one of them together. He peered around a wooden beam with red, puffy eyes and checked the door was closed as he lifted himself reluctantly from the comforting bed and returned with the picture and frame in his hands.
He opened the back of the frame with a soft snap and a folded piece of lined school paper fell out, it felt improper of him and rude to snoop yet he immediately took the paper in his shaking hands and read every last line and found himself savouring every small detail and period.
“ to the boy who stole my heart, Gabriel, who will never see this ,
Im sorry if you can see this, i don’t care if you see this. It will be over when you read the first part of what i wrote, i know it. We are forbidden from being together, i am going to hell. I am going to be tortured eternally for my love for you. I am wrong i am wrong i am wrong this is wrong i am wrong, its been five years. I don’t know what to do without you, you are all i wish to be and the only one i would like to ever marry. I wish you were a girl. I look at you, your self, i wish this was allowed i wish i wasn’t sunken with guilt very time i catch your eye in class. I would let you betray me so i could feel your hands on back, even if they hold the knife that poked through my chest. I wish i wasn’t scared i wish i was you i wish i could see the whole world and find a place where we can be together.
I am irreplaceably in love with you. Your hair, your body, your writing, your lips, your hands, your voice, your everything. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU GABRIEL.
Maybe in another universe, one where you are a girl, my dearest teddy bear <3 “
Everything faded away behind the racing thoughts in his brain, the most important one was ‘WHAT!?’ it made his body ache and turn and twist and fall to the floor as he continued to the bottom of the page. Guilt was overwhelming his heart and he felt resentment starting to build toward the boy, He felt impure and dirty just touching the ‘confession’ note that he crumpled in his palms like that isn’t exactly what sat in the bag on the bed in a scratchier and more rushed manner.
He took a few hard breaths in and out and the world silenced, feeling the weight of the situation,
Did he reciprocate, NO!- was that why he always was so kind - where is h- oh no.
Where is he, was this what Jeremy wanted to happen? Made the boy he said was his best pal, platonic soulmate, etcetera question everything about himself? His muscles tightened as the thought lingered
‘ if he were born differently, would i love him?’
He moved to cut off the truth he knew would surface at some point. He wouldn’t let it. Thats not him. Thats not the boy he has played for 12 or so years now, it’s not him.
He took the spotted note from the soft fluffy carpet and folded it to fit next to his own note that he wrote a mere twenty four hours ago that mirrored the newer one with less transparency.
He gently opened the door, listening to the familiar click of the lock and padded down the stairs, now with view of the family photos on the walls and feeling like the boy who he was the closest to now felt like a stranger. The shadows he left and the reflection of the sea that shone in his eyes felt harsher and secretive now, how long did he wait? When did he write that letter? Did he wish to tell me? Was he ready to risk everything to follow his heart?
Wind gently blew at his legs from the doorstep he was positioned at, he looked up to see how the sun was starting to lower in the sky and turquoise made an appearance at the horizon. Soft clouds shimmered in pinks and oranges, it felt cold without Jeremy- did he even want to talk to him anymore? Could he?
He wished he could undo every moment and lose his memories from yesterday and today. If only they could be the same, but he had to find Jeremy first.
He chimed his bike and turned into the bumpy car park, hopping off and placing his bike in the rack. The neon lights flashed in the puddles and plastic that littered the ground. Most importantly was the face of freddy fazbear, who Gabriel stood in front of now.