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“Um- what you said earlier, at the Squawk, I'm sorry- I mean not sorry about what you said! That came out wrong, or not came out wrong- jesus christ-”
Why does he always have to be like that, Mike thinks as he tries to hide his nervousness. Why is he so damn incompetent about his emotions? Why can't he just say what he thinks without acting like a complete idiot?
“It's okay.” Will laughs, looking at him with a mix of relief and insufferable longing.
Mike can see the hope flickering inside his eyes. And it's killing him. Seeing Will so desperate. Trying to be happy, trying to convince himself everything is alright while he still looks at him the same way he had in the field, or when he became a sorcerer, or in the van, when he gave him the painting. The painting-
And this hope, this pain reflecting in Will's eyes. It's his fault. It's all his fault. And he needs Will to stop acting like it isn't, stop acting like everything's okay.
“No, it's just, it's not. I should've been there for you and I wasn't. And I guess I was just so self absorbed that I- I couldn't see it. I just I- I feel like an idiot and I- I'm sorry.
He was just so self absorbed that he couldn’t see it. But how could he not see it? He was so stupid. So selfish. If he had realised everything earlier- If he just stopped trying to convince himself and everyone else-
“You don't have to be sorry, and you're not an idiot! You're not. It's just- I didn't even understand it myself for the longest time. I just- I think it needed to happen the way it happened. I needed to find my own way. But what matters is that you're still here. And you still think we can be friends.”
He can't do it any longer. The way he's constantly hurting him, and he's still there for him, finding excuses for his stupid behavior- He can't do it anymore. He needs to stop pretending. Fuck it.
“Friends? No thanks-”
“W- what-?” Will's voice cracks.
Fuck.
“No! No, no, Will, no, I didn't mean that- I didn't mean it like that- Fuck-”
Will looks at him, now the hurt in his eyes is hard to overlook.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why does he always have to fuck it up, why can't he just say it? Mike hates himself so much. And he has hurt him, again.
“Will listen…” Mike takes a deep breath, in an attempt to clear his brain and lays a hand on Will's shoulder.
Will looks at him confused.
“I- I didn't mean I don't wanna be your friend…I mean we are friends…best friends…but I- You know what I’m trying to say is- I- I wish we weren't just- I wish we were- I’m like you. I am- like you.”
Mike pauses. He said it. He can't take it back now. It's finally out. It's real. Years of overthinking, spiraling, years of pretending, years of convincing himself he is something he’s really not. It's over.
He looks at Will. He just stares at him in disbelief.
“Mike- what…?”
“I'm like you.” Mike repeats. “I mean- guess it doesn't really matter anymore…since I'm your Tammy…or something…I just- I don't know why I'm so stupid-”
He panics, he doesn't want to fuck it up again. Maybe he already has. But it doesn't matter anymore. He can't take back what he said. He's so nervous. And then he can't stop it anymore, the words and the suppressed emotions spilling out of him.
“Will, I don't know how I never saw it…I never realised how I felt…and even when I realised, I still tried to deny it…I tried to ignore it, suppress it, I tried to convince myself it wasn't real. For so many years… And then you gave me the painting…and I had hope, for the first time in my life…that you might love me back…because of what El told me, about the painting…about your crush…but then you said El commissioned the painting you gave me…and I figured she was talking about a different painting…”
“What did El say about the painting…?” Will looks confused and concerned, but Mike doesn't answer. He can't. If he stops talking now, he might never open his mouth again.
“And I gave up…I tried to accept it…but I couldn't, so I started to suppress my feelings again, ignore them…I tried to act like they weren't there…and I was such an idiot. I hurt you so many times…and I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…I couldn't stop my hope…I couldn't stop my feelings for you…I couldn't stop watching you…seeing how you looked at me…how you flirted with me…and I couldn't do anything about it…because I was too stupid…I didn't know how to act in front of you…because I didn't wanna screw up our friendship…and because I couldn't accept myself for who I really was…because I was scared…scared of myself…and scared of losing you…but the hope didn't stop. It grew stronger over the last few weeks…stronger than ever before…and then you said you didn't like girls…and I thought- what I was trying to say earlier- I don't wanna be your friend because I want you to be more than that- because I am like you. Because I like you- no I- I love you, Will. I've always loved you. It has always been you. And now I can't stop spiraling, because I was so sure you felt the same way…but then you said something about Tammy…but then you looked at me like that and I don't know if I just ruined everything or if you actually-”
Will suddenly moves towards him and he feels his lips on his own, shutting him up. He lays his hands on Mike's waist and pulls him closer. Hugging him and kissing him all at once.
“I love you too, Mike.”