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“An alpha, surely,” his mother told him once, kissing the top of his head.
“You couldn’t be anything else with a scent like that,” his dad agreed.
At the time, his scent had barely been any more substantial than a layer of spice under the unpresented milkiness, but their confidence had already made his skin itch. Being an alpha would explain the need he always had to cling to people. After all, alphas craved a close pack that they could protect easily.
For several years, he believed in their belief. How could he not, when he was so surrounded by these assurances? Putting his own discomfort aside, Kimi quietly thought of himself as an alpha-to-be.
It wasn’t until Prema that he started to wonder if there was another possibility. His scent began to shift, sweetening the air enough that everyone cast him sidelong looks, and hope zipped through his veins.
“Scent me,” he told Ollie.
Ollie frowned. “You need it again? Didn’t I just scent you yesterday?”
“I want to know if it’s changed.”
Ollie obediently leaned down to press his nose to the neckline of his t-shirt, barely nudging the fabric aside. Kimi tried not to think too hard about how good it felt to be scented compared to how it felt to scent someone else.
“It’s sweet,” Ollie said. “Like… pears? Or figs?”
“Really?”
“Yep.” Ollie swallowed, and Kimi watched the column of his throat more intensely than he probably should have. He could see the thoughts working through Ollie’s head, measuring the words before he said, “It’s like an omega scent.”
Pure, sparkling joy bubbled up Kimi’s spine. A sweet scent, and omega one… It might just be possible for Kimi’s designation to explain and affirm the needy desires that he’d always had, the part of him that had always wondered…
He might just be exactly who he wanted to be.
But that microscopic moment of happiness died the second he saw Ollie’s face.
“Kimi,” Ollie said gently, “Do you want to be an omega?”
Just hearing him say it made Kimi’s face flush and he hated it. Hated how obvious his body made his answer was, when it was the wrong answer. He was supposed to be an alpha, and he was supposed to want it.
Ollie placed his hand on Kimi’s shoulder. “It’s okay if you do, you know. There’s nothing wrong with being an omega. So many drivers are.”
“I know. But my family, they’ve always thought I would be an alpha.”
“They can be wrong.”
And, in the end, they were. But so was Ollie.
.
Kimi didn’t have many secrets. Sure, there were things he kept private, like the fact that he was bi, but there was only one truth that he was truly, fundamentally terrified of anyone coming to know: Kimi remembered the day he presented.
Beta’s weren’t supposed to remember, because there wasn’t supposed to be anything memorable about one’s scent graduating from milk to flowers or soap or whatever other scent they’d have for the rest of their life. Since betas lacked the relatively high volumes of certain hormones that omegas and alphas had, their presentations were supposed to be simple affairs.
Kimi had scoured the internet for interviews of the other drivers discussing their presentations, and when he found no beta describing theirs, he settled on his standard answer: “I don’t remember. I was eating tortellini.”
The tortellini was true, but he absolutely remembered the way the air sharpened with a spicy, astringent scent that he finally realized was coming from himself.
His whole life, he’d grown up in the soft fruit-flower cloud of beta and omega scents, sharpened by sweat and intensity. He wasn’t sweating now, but the scent did retain that underlying layer of fruity sweetness.
For a fraction of a second, Kimi’s hopes soared.
And when his family all turned to stare at him, he was so certain that they were about to confirm with him. Instead, his mom leaned closer, sniffed gently enough that it wasn’t a scenting.
Then she said, “A beta.”
Throughout the many hotels the F4 and F2 brought him to, Kimi he’d confronted a great deal of maliciously confusing showers. His mom’s assessments felt like that shock of cold when the water came collapsing down.
An alpha learned to court, an omega learned to be courted, and a beta learned both so they could adapt to whatever their partner wanted. There were rituals on both ends, steps defined by each culture as progress towards the true sort of pairing that could rule a life.
Kimi had only ever learned to court—to kiss the back of an omega’s hand and thank them if they accepted it, to leave gifts of scented clothes even when they weren’t close to heats so they could always be soothed when they wanted it, to take the side of the sidewalk by the cars to protect them from splashing water, to pay attention to the things that made them purr and surprise them with those. All the details a good alpha would know.
His parents had raised him well.
But when the lights were off and the world was quietly undeniable outside his window, an ache bloomed beneath Kimi’s sternum. He told himself that it was the ache to be a perfect alpha who always treated his imaginary omega perfectly.
In reality, part of him always knew that what he truly wanted was to be that imaginary omega whose purrs meant something to someone.
The night he presented, Kimi curled up in bed and cried into his pillow, where no one could hear.
He had already disappointed his parents once that night. He couldn’t break their hearts too.
.
In Silverstone, Kimi watched Gabi press his nose into Nico’s neck, making Nico’s body loosen, and a shadowy, bitter envy rose in his throat.
It would’ve made sense if he was jealous of Nico’s performance—which he was—or of Gabi’s alpha status making his scenting more powerful for Nico—which he wasn’t—but what Kimi truly wanted was to be the one so visibly and physically adored, to be surrounded not only by a team’s pride but by comforting and joyful scents.
Kimi had always been a touchy person, the type to seek and deliver comfort through hugs. That trait wasn’t actually statistically associated with omegas—as some drivers on the grid demonstrated—but it was the stereotype. Was it bad to wish that the stereotype was real?
“George?” he asked hours later.
“Yes?”
“Do you like being a beta?”
George’s face went through a complicated range of emotions. “Sure, yeah. It’s convenient not to need time off. Why do you ask?”
“I…”
How could he explain?
George watched him struggle for a moment, then said, “Is something wrong? With your designation?”
Everything was wrong with it.
Before pups presented, they always talked about what they wanted to be. There were some people who wanted a certain designation to be most compatible with a partner or crush, but Ollie was a beta too. Besides, Kimi’s secret, illogical desire preceded ever meeting Ollie.
“No,” Kimi said. “I was just wondering.”
George was still looking at him strangely. “Do you like being a beta?”
“It’s optimal.”
“Now you’re quoting Toto. I want to hear what you think.”
“Being a beta is all I know.”
George’s big eyes looked so sad that Kimi had to look away.
“Would you prefer to be something else?” George asked quietly.
Please don’t ask me that. “I’m okay.”
“Kimi…”
“I should go. I’m supposed to be on the sim.”
.
It was cold in the hotel room. Kimi had tried to turn the air conditioning off, but to no avail, and now it was two in the morning and he was alone under horribly thin Belgian sheets, wishing he had his own blankets.
Wishing, in the anonymizing darkness, that he could build a nest.
But he didn’t have any materials besides his own clothes and the subpar blankets. He had nothing with Ollie’s gentle resin scent or his mom’s honey-lilac sweetness. Not one scrap of fabric from anyone else.
Kimi closed his eyes and tried to convince himself that he’d be okay.
He never prayed to be an omega. When he was unpresented, it had seemed like it would be in bad faith to ask. Now, it seemed like a cruel and pointless request, on par with wishing for wings. God could do anything, but why would He listen to Kimi’s desires now?
Anyway, he shouldn’t pray for something he wasn’t supposed to want.
He curled his body up and tried not to think about the big cardboard boxes that he sometimes watched staff carry around, heavy with clothes from drivers for when a driver was in heat.
Kimi always donated some random shirt or whatever, throwing it into the designated bin in his driver room before he could think too hard about the fact that the favor would never be returned for him.
He didn’t even know if the other omega drivers used his scented clothes in their nests, if their sensitive noses could even tolerate the sharp and unusual scent of mostarda. Was there a chance any of them liked it? Kimi didn’t. His family rarely ever served the condiment, usually only on holidays, and he generally skipped over it. He had grown used to his own scent, but picking up a particularly sweaty shirt often made him wrinkle his nose.
But the flip side to those moments—the times when he smelled a pillow he’d slept on and smelled more fruit than mustard—were almost worse. Because whenever he enjoyed the sweeter version of his own scent, he’d inevitably sour the air with frustration that such sweetness couldn’t be in his nature like it was for Charles or Lando or even Max, to an extent.
And then he’d be back at the beginning all over again, unhappy with his scent and his designation and himself for being upset.
Upset because when he allowed himself to visualize the happiest version of himself, he saw an omega champion of the world. Not the good, caring, successful alpha who broke records and made his country proud, but the good, caring, loved omega who broke records and made his country proud.
Kimi opened his eyes, taking in the dark shapes of the room, and exhaled into silence.
.
“Scent me,” Ollie said. “Before the race. It will help.”
“Okay,” Kimi agreed easily, because he was always up for scenting Ollie and feeling the comforting resin invade his veins, taking over the edges of his own unique scent.
Ollie had to crouch a little for Kimi to easily access the scent gland where his left shoulder met his neck, but the awkward angle was worth it for the way Kimi instantly felt calmer yet more alive. It wasn’t as good as being scented, but he still found that he had to swallow an improper urge to purr.
The last time he’d purred in front of someone else was when he was a kid—small enough to still assume he was automatically welcome in his mother’s nests. When she’d wrapped him in a blanket that smelled like honey, the little sound had escaped him.
“Ah, mio topo,” she’d told him, “you’ll make an omega very happy one day. But an alpha does not make those sounds, yes? It is important for omegas to have some things for themselves.”
Or maybe he hadn’t been that young. Surely his mother wouldn’t be so confident in his designation if he was as small as he remembered, right? Surely their belief hadn’t been that strong from the very beginning… right?
“Are you okay?”
“What?”
“You stopped scenting me and your face got all… sad.”
“I’m fine.” Kimi blinked quickly, struggling to clear his thoughts. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”
“Sure. You, uh, don’t want me to scent you?”
He did. He wanted it more than anything. But Kimi couldn’t stop thinking about purring now. The urge was building up, insistent and infuriating, and didn’t trust himself not to slip up if Ollie leaned down and melted the world around Kimi.
“I’m fine.”
“You sure you’re okay? I’ve never heard you turn down a scenting.”
“It’s okay. Good luck.”
.
Debriefs were a pain, but Kimi always enjoyed the time afterwards, when the drivers would all gather and talk without cameras and microphones in their faces. In those times, he could sit in their scents and feel at ease.
“Yuki, if you keep giving me your dirty socks I will come to your house and build my nest there. How would you like that?” Pierre called.
Yuki grinned. “I would like that very much.”
Pierre went still and everyone tried to let him keep his dignity by turning away to laugh. Except Charles, who laughed right in his face and said, “You are an idiot.”
“I am not! Yuki should stop giving me such horrible gifts for my nest.”
His nest. Kimi’s stomach cramped at the word. The last time he’d been in a nest was with Dino in Prema, and he’d barely been in the nest at all. Really, he’d hung around the outskirts while Dino looked for a clean t-shirt.
“You gave me a pillowcase!” Charles shouted at Pierre. “A pillowcase!”
“Is that not a good thing?” George asked, sipping from his long straw.
“It is not good when he fell asleep angry about a race! My whole nest smelt burnt for hours!”
“Why didn’t you just take it out?” Pierre asked.
Charles rolled his eyes. “You know why. It would not be right without your scent.”
“You’re so sweet,” Pierre said liltingly.
“You know who is sweet? Oscar.”
In the back of the room, Oscar was talking lowly to Lando, the two of them lost in their own little world. At the sound of his name, he looked up. “What?”
“I was just saying that you were so sweet to give me such a nice shirt for my heat.”
Lando frowned at that, but Oscar didn’t notice, just smiled at Charles. “I’m glad.”
“Did you get mine?” Max asked way too loudly.
Everyone turned to look at him, but it was Charles who smiled and said, “Yes, I did. It was nice of you to give me one of your shirts. I have a collection now.”
“You don’t… give them back?” Max asked weakly.
Around them, side conversations came back to life, but Kimi wasn’t really listening to Isack. He was too absorbed in Charles’s telling Max, “No. You have so many more, don’t you?”
Max nodded. “Right. I definitely do. Have more. If you want?”
“Maybe for my next heat.”
Alex walked in with two water bottles in hand, which he passed to George. George, who was already holding a bottle.
“Um, thanks?” he said, visibly confused.
Alex laughed awkwardly. “Um… Sorry.”
“Give it to Kimi,” George suggested.
Alex walked over and handed him the bottle, and…
It was a strange moment.
Kimi had gotten along well enough with Alex when he wasn’t struggling to overtake him, but he always felt closer with Max and Lewis. He admired the speed Alex extracted from his Williams, but whenever he was around, he was talking to George. Their only one-on-one interactions had been brief and simple.
The passing of the water bottle, of course, was also brief and simple. But when Kimi inhaled Alex’s unique lemongrass scent and saw his awkward smile, he became strikingly aware of Alex’s designation. One of few alphas on the grid. And it suited him so well, in all the ways he cared for people. He was never accused of handing over bad gifts for nests or being too aggressive outside of the car. Always so kind, always so good at providing and protecting without being overbearing. The kind of alpha an omega could trust.
The kind of alpha his parents taught him to be.
For one microscopic moment, Kimi found himself treated like the omega he had always wanted to be. And how that ached.
Kimi cleared his throat. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
As Alex walked away, Kimi tried to focus on something else. His eyes landed on Charles and Max. They were discussing Carlos’s scent, Max getting visibly more pained the longer Charles went on.
When Charles said, “Between Carlos and Lando, my whole nest smells like chocolate now,” Kimi felt a chasm open in his chest.
“Kimi? You good?” George asked, following Kimi’s line of sight.
“I’m fine.”
But George’s eyes were full of doubt. Kimi thought he’d been subtle, kept his secret well enough, but a shiver went down his spine under George’s gaze. As if George somehow knew exactly what he was thinking about Alex and Charles and Max. As if George was piecing together the picture Kimi had been hiding for so, so long.
.
“Kimi, sit down.”
He did, eyeing Toto warily. People loved to remind him of how young he was, but he really felt it right then, surrounded by the eye-wateringly concentrated tea tree scent rolling off Toto in waves. Toto was a beta, and his scent was technically neutral in that it was neither savory nor sweet, but it was so strong that it didn't feel neutral at all.
Normally Kimi didn’t mind it, but he could feel the tension in the room, and having such a powerful scent on top of that made him uneasy.
“George told me something interesting today. He said you are not happy being a beta, the most optimal designation for an athlete.”
“I want to be the best driver possible,” Kimi rushed to say. “I’ll do whatever you want.”
“I know, and you have done so well. You’ve given everything to the team, and we see it. But I want you to be happy too.”
“Happy?”
“With your designation.” Toto steepled his fingers. “A good driver needs to be in harmony with their body. Kimi, if you are not happy being a beta, how can you achieve that harmony?”
Kimi bit the inside of his cheek. Then Toto continued, “I want to fix it for you.”
Fix it. Like he was a fucking broken car. Pitiful and inadequate, but only a few repairs away from perfection. Expensive repairs. But Toto was looking at him like the price tags didn’t matter.
“How?” Kimi asked, voice breaking with want.
“You will have to tell me that. You know that in the past, I have only worked with beta drivers. I don’t have the experience for this. But anything you want, I will make it happen. Okay?”
Kimi’s throat tightened. “Anything I want?” he repeated.
“Within reason. Do you like nesting?” Even the word made Kimi flinch. Hearing everything he wanted so badly laid out in front of him was too much.
Toto didn’t seem to care, and continued, “We can get you clothes and things from all the drivers, like what the omegas have.”
Tears were pooling in his eyes. “Really?”
“Yes.” Toto’s presence was so intense that Kimi almost struggled to believe he was real when he continued, “You should be able to live as yourself.”
It was too much. Kimi put his face in his hands and sobbed.
.
“Ollie,” Kimi said, “I have to tell you something.”
Ollie nodded. “Okay. I am packing now, sorry about the noise.”
“It’s okay. Do you remember how in Prema, my scent was changing?”
Ollie threw a sweatshirt in his suitcase. “Yeah?”
“I thought I was going to be an omega.”
“Right, but you weren’t.” Ollie left the frame as he moved around his apartment.
“But I wanted to be.”
Silence hung over the phone call for long enough to make Kimi feel twitchy. Finally, Ollie reappeared and said, “I had no idea. I thought you, uh, got over that.”
“Ollie! You’re being a fucking asshole!” said a new voice.
Kimi frowned. “Someone is there with you?”
“Gabi’s here.” He pointed his thumb to a figure behind him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was going to be this serious.”
Kimi closed his eyes and tried to breathe normally. It didn’t matter, he told himself. Pretty soon, the whole grid would know. It was just that he’d expected to only be talking to Ollie. Kimi rarely talked to Gabi outside of race weekends, but he was as friendly a face as anyone’s right now, and it wasn’t like he could un-hear what he’d heard.
Weakly, Kimi said, “Hi Gabi.”
“Hi.” Gabi leaned over Ollie’s shoulder. “What’s going on?”
“How much did you hear?”
“Just Ollie saying he thought you got over it. I do not know the context, but he was obviously being very rude.”
“Oh.”
Gabi said, “You don’t have to tell me more.”
But he should. Kimi swallowed hard, and said, “I want to be an omega.”
“Oh! You are trans-designation,” said Gabi, immediately calmer and more relaxed.
“What?”
“You don’t know the term?” Gabi shrugged. “It’s just what people call people like you.”
Oh. There was a word for it. “Why do you know all this?”
“My cousin, she is like you. But it is good, that you are an omega.”
It was the first time anyone had said that. That he was an omega already, not just trying to become one.
“It’s good?” Kimi asked tentatively.
“Yes, you will be like Nico.”
Ollie laughed. “It’s always Nico with you.”
“I like him a lot! He is a good teammate.”
“Uh-huh. And you’re telling me you don’t want to fuck that old man?”
Kimi laughed as Gabi’s face flushed.
“He’s very handsome, you know?” Gabi said.
Ollie smiled. Then he turned to the phone. “Back to Kimi. Why do you want to be an omega?”
Gabi smacked him in the shoulder. “You’re being so rude!”
“It’s just a question! Is it because of Max? Or the other drivers?” Ollie continued, “You do not need to have the same designation to be as good as they are."
Gabi rolled his eyes. "Obviously not."
Kimi said, "I’ve wanted this my whole life.”
Gabi’s face softened. “Of course, and you will have it.”
For the next hour, Gabi talked him through all he knew about being trans-designation while Ollie finished packing. Gabi offered to give his cousin’s number, but Kimi said he was okay.
When they hung up, Kimi had the oddest feeling that he’d just made a real friend out of Gabi.
.
“I have heard. That you… You are an omega?” Max said haltingly.
Kimi smiled, reaching instinctively for Max’s waist, which Max allowed like always, though his eyes followed the gesture this time.
“I am,” Kimi said. “Is that…”
“No! It’s good, I mean. Very good. I am proud of you.”
“Everyone has been saying that, and I’m not sure there is much to be proud of. I haven’t done anything. It was all Toto.”
“You have told us something that I’m sure was very difficult. It’s not easy to feel… disconnected from your body.”
Kimi stared at Max, who had just put into words what he’d felt for his whole life. “Do you also…?”
“Oh, no. I am very happy to be an omega. I just have felt this way for other reasons. My dad has, at times, punished me for eating too much, you understand.”
Of course he did. Anything to be the best athlete possible.
When Max walked away, Gabi showed up, laughing. “You can tell you are the first trans-designation person he’s met.”
“He was nice,” Kimi said, immediately defensive.
Gabi grinned, lime scent bright. “Sure, but he was so awkward!”
Before Kimi could argue further, Lewis clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Proud of you, man. The attention we get as athletes... I know it’s not easy to be yourself, especially at your age. But I’m here for you.”
Suddenly, there was a lump in Kimi’s throat. A seven-time champion of the world was telling him he was here for him and Kimi really believed it.
“Thank you.”
.
When Toto said anything, that of course didn’t include hormones. No one was going to induce a real heat in Kimi, but after Zandvoort, he went to his hotel room to find a gift that made his heart race.
A cardboard box full of scent-locking plastic bags. Looking at the rainbow of team colors represented, his chest ached. For years, he’d thrown his clothes into collection boxes for staff to sort and package up for omegas in heat. And now, for the first time ever, Kimi got a box of his own.
He picked up the bag labeled with Ollie’s name and took out a hoodie. Pressing it to his nose, Kimi felt like he was tucked in Ollie’s arms, safe and warm. He could tell Ollie had napped in it before passing it on because the resin scent was sweeter and a bit more powdery than normal. Right after a race, Ollie’s scent was so sharp it was almost acidic.
After that, he tore into the other bags until it felt like he was in a driver’s parade, surrounded by the scents of maple syrup, chocolate, baked bread, and lavender. Lewis had sent a full blanket infused with his leather and patchouli scent, which Kimi immediately wrapped around himself.
He brought Max’s shirt to his nose and wondered if he’d ever be able to drink a gin and tonic without thinking about him.
Did all the drivers have that problem?
Kimi arranged the things on his bed, then curled up with Ollie’s hoodie closest to his nose. He’d heard that omegas’ heartrates would slow down in their nests, and he could see why. This nest wasn’t anywhere near as lavish as the ones he saw in movies, but it was so relaxing to sink into the squishy fabric. He could tell a lot of the drivers had sent clothes they wore while happy or relaxed, because almost everyone’s scents were imbued with a sweetness or creaminess that wasn’t normally there.
None of the burnt smell that Charles had described from Pierre’s pillowcase, or the intense bitterness from an irritated Fernando.
Kimi lifted George’s linen shirt to his nose and smelled the softest version of earl grey he’d ever experienced.
He imagined George wearing this shirt on some beach vacation when he did nothing but relax, then taking the shirt off and tucking it in a scent-locking bag just to preserve his calm and give it to Kimi.
It was an overwhelming thought. When he “came out”, as Gabi said, everyone had been supportive, but he hadn’t known they meant it this deeply, that they would all go out of their way to select such careful additions to the first nest he’d ever make.
Even the people he hadn’t had a chance to talk to had clearly put more thought into their contributions than simply throwing laundry into their bins for collection. Oscar’s bag included a koala stuffed animal. Kimi hugged it to his chest, and the smell of freshly baked bread filled the nest.
He was arranging Lewis’s blanket when he realized that he hadn’t fully emptied Max’s bag. At the bottom was another identical Red Bull polo, even more strongly scented than the other one.
Smiling, Kimi added it to his nest. And he fell asleep enveloped in comforting warmth so pure that it almost allowed him to forget about the fact that his family still didn’t know.
.
“How was it?” Ollie asked the next day, putting an arm around Kimi’s shoulder. “Your first nest.”
“Good, it was good. Thank you for giving me this.” Kimi picked at the end of Ollie’s hoodie, which he had put on this morning because he wasn’t quite ready to let go of his nest.
“I’m glad you like it. Did… Did it feel better to have a nest?”
“Yes, yes. It was much easier to fall asleep.”
“I didn’t know you had problems with sleeping.”
“Only sometimes. Hotels, they can be so cold.”
Ollie squeezed his shoulder. “They don’t have to be anymore. Gabi and I, we will give you things all the time if you want.”
“You and Gabi?”
“We are neighbors, I see him all the time. But he has Nico.”
“And you have me?” Kimi joked.
But Ollie’s eyes were sincere. “Yes. Of course.”
Between them, the air seemed to stretch thin and sparkling, a moment suspended like spidersilk.
“Ollie,” Kimi said, “do you want to come to my nest?”
“Is it still there?”
“Yes. I tried to give it back but the staff said I could keep everything.”
“That’s nice. So should I… go back to your hotel?”
“Yes. It is the same one, no? Just different rooms.”
“I think so.”
And just like that, Ollie was following Kimi into his hotel room like he’d done dozens of times before. Kimi tried to tell himself that this was no different from all those times, but it felt different when his nest was right there.
All the bundles of fabric that he had arranged so carefully looked like nothing more than a sloppy mess now. He peered up at Ollie, wondering what he would think.
All Ollie said was, “Is that my shirt? I lost that, like, two weeks ago.”
“Oh. I just found it in my box at the bottom.”
“Maybe some staff wanted to give it to you.”
Kimi smiled. “I’m happy to have it.”
“Aw. This is a nice nest. Thank you for showing it to me.”
“Don’t you want to come in?”
Ollie’s eyes lit up. “Really?”
“Yes! Come in.”
Kimi plopped himself on the bed and patted the space beside him. “Don’t worry about sitting on anything.”
Ollie’s expression sharpened into mischief and he launched himself at the bed, nearly landing on top of Kimi, but only jostling him slightly.
Kimi laughed. “What was that for?”
“I just wanted to do it,” Ollie said, eyes bright. He picked up Esteban’s shirt and sniffed it. “He normally doesn’t smell this nice.”
“Many drivers gave me nicer-smelling things.”
“That’s so sweet. I should’ve done that.”
“You did, though. You slept in this hoodie.”
“Oh. I forgot about that. You have a good nose.”
Kimi ducked his head. “Thank you.”
Ollie dropped Esteban’s shirt, trading it for Kimi’s hand. Kimi wasn’t sure what he was trying to do until Ollie lifted his hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.
“Thank you,” Kimi said, stunned. Then he remembered. “Shit. I mean, I accept.”
“Now I thank you,” Ollie said, grinning.
“You’re welcome,” Kimi said in the most aloof tone he could manage, which only made Ollie laugh. “You taught me this. I did not think I would have to tell you what to do.”
“I was not expecting it!”
Ollie smiled. “You should’ve.”
Kimi didn’t quite know what to do with himself after that, but Ollie dissipated the tension before it could arise by gesturing to the nest and saying, “You’re lucky that Toto did this for you. I don’t think every team principal would do this.”
“Can you imagine Zak Brown doing it for Oscar?”
“He would have to change Lando’s designation too. Papaya rules.”
Kimi laughed, then leaned his head on Ollie’s shoulder. “Toto was so nice.”
“It’s what you deserve. Can I scent you?”
“Yes.” Kimi tilted his head to give Ollie better access.
And when he felt Ollie’s nose nudge into the junction of his neck and shoulder, Kimi’s body relaxed into the nest. The scent of resin, even sweetened, wasn’t strong enough to quite cloud over his thoughts the way Lando and Carlos’s chocolate scents did, but it lifted something in Kimi’s chest.
A low, satisfied rumbling rolled through his throat before he could stop it.
Ollie stopped scenting him, looking at him with those big brown eyes. “Did you just purr?”
“Maybe?”
“Oh shit! Can you do it again?”
“I’m not a toy! I don’t do it on demand!”
“Oh, sorry.” Ollie leaned in again.
When he purred this time, Ollie stared at him with something oddly close to awe. “It’s so cute.”
“Thank you.”
“I can’t believe I ever thought you weren’t an omega.”
Ollie sounded like he was talking to himself, but Kimi felt the words rinse something from his soul. Here was someone who he trusted so much, casually implying that he had always been an omega.
“Scent me again,” he said.
And Ollie did, until the resin scent lingered all over Kimi’s body with the persistence of orange residue under fingernails.
.
Harmony with his own body. The words repeated in Kimi’s head as the race team strapped him into his car in Azerbaijan on Saturday. Toto looked on, and nodded once, eyes focused.
Kimi tried not to wonder what would happen if he performed poorly after the nesting. If being treated like an omega made him a worse driver, would they stop?
Once he was on the track, though, all those thoughts fell away. It was just him and the car, like always. Even his own scent, still too spicy and sharp, didn’t get under his skin. After a night in the nest, nothing could unsettle him.
He felt out the track’s narrow, slick corners with a certain ease that he hadn’t realized he was missing until this moment. While others struggled with the changing grip, Kimi found that he felt good, like he was living out one of the visualizations he so often built for himself. Driving through a dream.
Athletes worldwide always maintained that their designations didn’t influence their performance, and Kimi always agreed, but in that qualifying session, he felt the consequences of being freed.
Not only from a designation that pained him more than it should’ve, but from the shame of wanting something other than what he’d been given.
Toto looked almost as proud as Kimi’s own father did over FaceTime.
His father, who still didn’t know.
Whatever shame he was able to fling aside while racing fell back into place now. Kimi didn’t keep secrets from his family. But how was he supposed to tell them that he was living the exact opposite designation that they wanted for him and thriving?
.
Kimi no longer had any true secrets, but that didn’t mean he was ready for the media to know everything.
Unfortunately, the world rarely cared about how ready he was. It was impossible to determine who'd leaked it, but in Brazil, a torrent of articles came out about the first trans-designation driver and what it could mean for the sport.
Everyone told him not to read them, but he couldn’t help skimming over one, written by an Italian sports magazine that had praised him all season. The language was distant and presented no lies, but that almost made it worse. Because they still decided to go out and publish an article about something so personal.
He only had five minutes of knowing this before microphones were shoved in his face for the worst media day of his life.
“Kimi,” a reporter with regret in her eyes said, “how do you see this change in designation affecting your driving?”
“It won’t,” he replied firmly. “Like drivers have been saying for years, who we are in the car is not affected by designation.”
“Thank you, Kimi. I’ll let you go.”
The next reporter swooped in. “How are you feeling?”
“A bit surprised. It was a shock to find out this morning.”
“That’s right. This only came out through a leak, so how long did you plan to keep this from the public?”
Kimi swallowed. “This is not a public thing, you know? You did not need to know it.”
“So you intended to keep this a secret for the entirety of your career?”
Weren't these interviews supposed to be about racing? “Um…”
“Do you think that keeping such a thing to yourself would be depriving fans of important representation that this sport hasn’t had before?”
A hand gripped his elbow and the sharp scent of alcohol filled his nose. Kimi slumped with relief as Max led him away.
“Excuse me!” the reporter chided Max, who shouted back, “You fucking vultures! What kind of questions are you asking?”
“They’ll fine you,” Kimi said, stumbling at Max’s side.
Max muttered, “Who fucking cares?” and kept pulling him along.
Despite the anger simmering on Max’s face, he smelled like safety and Kimi didn’t let go of him even when they stopped in a more secluded area of the paddock, where Charles was talking to Carlos. Their conversation stopped when they saw Kimi.
“What did they do to you?” Carlos asked immediately.
“The reporters asked me if I felt bad for keeping this a secret.”
“A secret?” Charles shook his head. “Fuckers. They do not understand.”
Max’s voice was so low it was almost a growl as he said, “I took him away.”
“That’s very good of you,” Charles said.
Across the paddock, Alex waved his arm to summon Carlos, who nodded but said very seriously, “Kimi, let me know if they cross a line. I will speak to the FIA about this.”
Kimi nodded. “Thank you.”
Charles looked at Max. “You took care of the omega?”
Kimi was in no mood to smile, but there was a certain thrill in being called an omega.
“Yes,” Max said. His face was growing quite red.
Charles hummed appreciatively, but his expression was grim as he asked Kimi, “Would you like to be scented? You look quite anxious and I know that helps me.”
“Yes, please,” Kimi said immediately, then looked between Max and Charles. “Uh, by who?”
“Whoever you want,” Max said quickly.
“Both,” Kimi said. Then he saw the way Max’s eyes darted to Charles and added, “at the same time?”
Charles said, “That will be hard to fit, no?”
“We should do it,” Max rushed to say. “He has two glands, yes? On each side of the neck. We can…”
Charles smiled. “Okay.”
And then Kimi was… absorbed. Swept under the scents of gin and sugar, juniper and lavender seeping into his muscles until they felt so relaxed he almost sank to the floor. But Max held him up by the waist and Charles laughed, a vibration Kimi could feel through his neck.
Kimi smiled. “Thank you. That was… I feel better.”
“Good,” Charles said. “If you ever need it, you can ask any of the omegas. We all understand, needing a scenting.”
“Even George would do it,” Max said. “He seems like he does not understand anything but he will do it if you ask.”
Charles frowned. “And how do you know that?”
Charles’s voice was just serious enough for Kimi to laugh awkwardly and leave the two of them to whatever it was that they were doing.
.
His social media team changed the passwords on all his accounts. “You don’t need to look at that,” Toto said when he asked. “Just focus on yourself.”
Kimi thought about stealing someone else’s phone but remembered the sad eyes of the first reporter and decided he didn’t want to know what people had to say about the first trans-designation driver in Formula 1.
Depriving fans of representation this sport hasn’t had before. Who was going to tell those fans that he hadn’t even known it was possible to be trans-designation? Who was going to tell them that he would never induce a heat because the team doctors would never sign off on hormones that could make his weight fluctuate, and he would never want them anyway?
Just thinking about it was making him feel sick.
He tried to decompress in his driver’s room, holding up Ollie’s hoodie to his nose because his own scent was just unacceptable.
He didn’t know how long he sat there before George called, “Kimi? Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
George pushed the door open with a pained expression. “Mate, I’m really fucking sorry. They had no right to ask that kind of thing.”
“Did Max tell you?”
“Max? I saw the interviews.”
Kimi put his head in his hands. “They’re already out?”
“I’m sorry, mate. But you’re off the hook for today’s fanmeets, so just look after yourself, okay?”
“I will try.”
“I know this is really fucking hard to do, especially at your age, but try to stay strong. Let Toto handle it. He’ll wring those reporters’ necks, you know it.”
“Yeah.”
George cleared his throat. “I’ll, uh, let you have a minute. But I think… Well, if I were you, I’d talk to my parents. If you haven’t already.”
And Kimi crumbled.
“George,” he said thinly, not quite crying but feeling like he’d somehow gone farther than that, “they don’t know.”
“Know what?” George asked fearfully. “About the media? Mate, I’m sorry but they’re about to find out.”
“About me being trans-designation.”
“Oh, God. I’m sorry. If things aren’t safe—”
“No. It’s not that.” Kimi looked up at him and had the wild wish that he was looking at Alex Albon, of all people.
He wanted to talk to an alpha. Or maybe what he really wanted was to talk to the alternate version of himself that was an alpha. The version born with such easy harmony with their body that they never thought twice about it.
Could such a version of Kimi exist and not be an omega?
He didn’t know, and it scared him. So much of his life had been tainted by this amorphous fear of something full and looming but so hard to pin down. It lived in long looks and gentle instructions to hold the door open for others because he wanted to be a good alpha, didn’t he?
Now, it lived in that word: representation.
Kimi barely knew how to live as himself, had barely gotten a chance to accept it. Now, there were people out there who saw him as this symbol of change for the sport and their opinions about it were so loud that he could feel them without even reading a single comment.
George was right. He needed to talk to his parents.
.
“Mama,” he began. “I’m sorry. I should have told you first. You shouldn’t have had to find out like this.”
“So it’s true? You are an omega?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Mio topo, I’m the one who’s sorry. You shouldn’t ever feel like you have to apologize for who you are. I never wanted you to feel that way.”
Her words stretched at the tendons of his heart. “I thought you wanted me to be an alpha.”
“You’re my son. I will love you no matter what.”
Oh. His whole life, she’d told him that she loved him, but he had never thought that love alone would be enough to get past her clear goal to raise an alpha son. He had never thought that being a son alone was enough.
In just a handful of words, she had knocked down the foundations of his life.
Kimi had been crying too much recently. To avoid having it happen again, he made a weak joke. “Even if I killed someone?”
“You would be making my life quite hard, but I would still love you. Did you really think your father and I wanted you to be unhappy, hiding who you truly are?”
“I didn’t know it was possible to be trans-designation.”
“I will be honest, I had not heard of that either, but if you had told me how you felt, I would have looked into it. I’m your mother. I should support you. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been.”
“It’s been okay, actually. Toto and George have been very nice.”
“I’m glad. But we should’ve been there for you as well. I’ll always regret not making you know how much we love you, no matter what your designation is.”
“I know you love me,” Kimi tried to reassure her. “I was just scared of disappointing you.”
“But you should have known you are not a disappointment. You never have been. You have always been such a wonderful son, and I’m so sorry that the media has treated you so, so badly. Papà is looking into legal action.”
“Oh. Tell him I don’t need that.”
“You do, mio topo. They have violated your privacy in an unacceptable way.”
“No, I meant Papà doesn’t have to do that because Toto already is.”
He heard her sigh in relief on the other end. “Good. That is what you deserve.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry, I have to go.”
“Go. Good luck.”
.
When Kimi pulled on his gloves on Saturday, he felt the ghost of Ollie’s lips on his knuckles. The ghost of a courting ritual he had never thought he’d be able to experience.
He remembered teaching Ollie about it, back in Prema.
“You have to hold the hand very gently, see? So they could pull away.”
“But why would they, if you are so careful about when you do it?”
“Not every alpha is so careful. Or beta,” Kimi had corrected, remembering Ollie’s designation too late. It wasn’t that he mistook Ollie for an omega, exactly. He was just surprised that no one else had already taught Ollie this.
Ollie had shrugged. “I guess it’s a nice idea. What comes after?”
“Well, if the omega accepts, they should say that. Then you thank them, and… well, I don’t know. I guess you court them.”
Ollie had laughed, and the sound echoed in Kimi’s head now.
So much of Kimi’s life had been a strange balancing act of convincing himself that he always deserved to win but never deserved to live the way he wanted. That his body was a tool in the car and a frustration outside of it. Something he could only be proud of when it got good lap times. Around Ollie, he could forget about his designation and just have fun.
But Thursday had been so difficult.
Then he got on track and saw the grandstands with posters that said: We love you Kimi. Flags with the omega symbol whipped around in the wind.
Suddenly, the weight of being someone’s representation suddenly didn’t feel so cruel and impossible.
It was still unwelcome, still a role he didn’t know if he could fill, but when he looked at those fans, their support seemed so obvious that he felt motivated to make it worth their while.
Thank you, he tried to say as he pushed through his qualifying laps. I love you too.
No pole position for him, but he had clearly proved anyone’s doubts wrong. He could still be a champion, he thought.
.
“Kimi! That was amazing,” Ollie said, hooking his arm around Kimi’s neck in a way that brought his scent close.
“And P6 for you!” said Gabi, smiling despite his own difficult race. “Both of you did great.”
“Thank you,” Kimi said, still feeling breathless hours after getting out of the car.
He didn’t know if it was the good race or the threat of wrath from Toto, but even the post-race media hadn’t been that terrible and he felt charged with a bright, clear energy like he’d just gotten caffeine injected into his veins.
“You really deserve it,” Gabi said.
“Thanks. I’m sorry about what happened with Stroll.”
Gabi exhaled. “I talked to him, we are okay.”
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen again,” Ollie said, “or you may need to get a new manager.”
“What does Stroll have to do with Fernando?” Kimi asked.
“Fernando will do whatever Lance wants,” Ollie said. “I thought it was because of his dad, but I don’t know. Seems more personal.”
Gabi rolled his eyes. “They are just good teammates.”
“Oh yeah? Is that what you and Nico are?”
“Nico is a very good driver.”
Ollie grinned. “Is that what you tell him when you guys fuck?”
Gabi laughed, but he still looked embarrassed. “We don’t need to talk about this.”
“I’ll get it out of you one day,” Ollie promised.
Kimi nodded. “We will tell the press and they will forget all about me.”
“Oh, Kimi. No one will forget about you,” Gabi said with a serious expression. “The beautiful prodigy who makes history with his designation… All of us will be part of the history of this sport, but you will be a highlight. So will Ollie and I, of course.”
“You talk so well. You should start a podcast,” Kimi tried to say, but he was interrupted by Ollie asking, “You think he’s beautiful?”
“I am only saying the truth. But thank you, Kimi. I try to say what is true.”
Kimi smiled. “So will answer this truthfully: do older guys fuck better?”
“Kimi!” Gabi rolled his eyes. “You can find that out for yourself.”
“No,” Ollie said quickly. “Do not do that.”
“Ah,” Gabi said. “You really are serious. I thought it was… not a joke, but not so intense. Are you already courting?”
“Yes,” Kimi said.
“I’m happy for you.”
So am I, Kimi thought. Even though things had not turned out in the exact way he wanted, he finally had a life he could be happy about, one he could take true pride in. Another podium, another friend. Nothing could take those things from him.