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If you hadn't disobeyed orders then your brother would still be–
Jake didn't have to finish his sentence. Lo'ak knew what he meant and finished the sentence in his own head. If I hadn't disobeyed orders my brother would still be alive.
The thought hit him like a truck. It was his fault. Hearing the words outloud made it real. It wasn't just some sick part of his mind, he wasn't the only one thinking that. Blaming him. In some rational part of his brain Lo'ak knew it wasn't his fault, not really. Feelings aren't rational though. Fears aren't either. All of a sudden everything was a haze. It was like he was underwater, all the sound around him muffled, distant.
“It's not my fault dad, you know it's not” he said. Lo'ak's mouth felt like it was filled with sand. It moved by itself. He swallowed. Once, twice. It didn't go away.
Did I truly believe that? He thought. No ofcourse it is my fault. Even my own father knows it's my fault. I killed my brother. As he walked away his body moved on autopilot. He wasn't planning on killing himself, honestly. Though he blamed himself for his brother's death, and he'd thought about it multiple times, he didn't think he'd actually kill himself. _______________________________
Jake went through the motions. Just like in the military. Compartmentalize. Do now. Think later. All he could think about is damage control. Will they still be able to stay here? His brain was going in a million different directions and his mouth began to move before he could think.
If you hadn't disobeyed orders then your brother would still be–
Jake watched his son's face change. From defensiveness, rage, anger, to hurt. How his ears lowered and all the fight left his body like he'd just given up. Finally accepted something. He looked so broken and defeated. Jake watched something inside his som break and slowly the implication of what he said dawned on him. He just accused Lo'ak of murdering his brother.
Lo'ak walked away from him and Jake watched him go. No he thought. That's not what I- that's not what I meant. I'm sorry. Come back. But his mouth didn't open, his legs couldn't move.
Jake stood there for a minute. Two. Staring at the space his son was just standing. An image flashed into his head. No. Jake had to find him. Now. He couldn't be the reason history repeated itself. This is something he had to fix. Now.
As Jake ran through the compound he repeated the same thing. Over and over and over again. No. No. No. I swore I would do the same thing. I swore.
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As Lo'ak dragged the gun through the sand all he could think about his how he fucked up. Again. Tears were streaming down his face. He could've dropped the gun and kept walking. He could've. Should've. But every single time he'd screwed something up was running through his head. Every on of his fucks up. He was a mistake in every sense of the word. A half bred in blood and a failure of a son.
He collapsed to the ground. All of a sudden all the strength left him. Lo'ak knew how to load the gun yet he struggled.
Why are my hands shaking so much? I've done this a million times. Just another thing I've failed to do properly. I can't even die properly. He thought bitterly.
Lo'ak thought of his brother. With the gun pressed under his chin the cold barrel reminding him that this was very much reality. As his finger wrapped around the trigger all he could think about is how he'd still be here if it wasn't for him. It's my fault. It's all my fault.
Lo'ak threw the gun. He heard it clatter to the ground and he knew. For the rest of his life he'd have to live with the fact he killed his brother and he was too cowardly to cut it short.
He broke into uncontrollable sobs. Cries. “Please. Neteyam. Netyam, where are you? Come back please, I'm sorry.” His voice broke.
“LO'AK”
“LO'AK”
“Neteyam? No…Dad?” Lo'ak was confused. Has something happened? We're they under attack?
He watched his father run over to him. Lo'ak saw his dad's face go through a range of surprises. Relief, shock, sadness. “Lo'ak…” he said again.
“Yes sir?” Lo'ak replied. Trying to wipe the tears from his eyes.
“Im so sorry” Jake said, pulling him into a hug. “I didn't mean to say that, I was angry." Lo'ak started to cry and Jake sat there holding his son in his arms and rocked him back and forth. He continued to repeat, I'm sorry, over and over again.
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“LO'AK”
“LO'AK”
Jake was in panic trying to find Lo'ak. Screaming his name. Thank Eywa he was close when Lo'ak replied. Jake probably wouldn't have found him otherwise and would've screamed until his throat was raw.
As Jake approached his son, the rational part of his brain was the last to understand what he was looking at. His son. Kneeling on the ground. With a gun right next to him.
He was going to kill himself.
Jake was still struggling to understand what he was seeing. “Lo’ak…”
“Yes sir?” He replied. Lo'ak looked at him and began to wipe his tears away even though he was still trembling.
Oh Ewya. What have I done? Jake thought. Pulling him into a hug Jake began to apologize over and over again. As Lo'ak began to cry all Jake could do was stare at the gun and think about the what if’s.
Jake rocked Lo'ak back and forth. Repeating the words ‘im sorry’ again and again. It was more for Jake than for Lo'ak. His next thought was to shake Lo'ak and scream at him for even thinking about killing himself.
Lo'ak had stopped crying a while ago and fell asleep in his arms. And slowly Jake stopped rocking him and just thought. Thinking about all the things that drove Lo'ak to hate himself so much. The amount of damage Jake could think from just himself was enormous. God, I'm just like him, Jake thought.
Lo'ak began to stir in his arms and Jake looked down at him. “Hey little man, how are you feeling?” He asked.
Lo'ak blinked, his thoughts still catching up to him. “Dad?” He asked.
“I'm right here.” Jake said, trying to reassure him. “Im not going anywhere.”
“No but-” Lo'ak started still trying to make sense of things.
“Wait, please I'd like to give you a proper apology and an explanation. I'm so sorry I told you that you were the reason Neteyam died.” Jake paused watching Lo'ak flinch to the words. “I was mad and I was saying things in the heat of the moment. I'm grieving. We all are. It is not an excuse but I don't blame your for what happened. I love you so much. So does Neteyam and nobody blames you. No one”
Lo'ak watched his dad carefully. “Dad, you said it yourself.” Jake looked at him. “I know what I said. And I will forever regret saying that. Your mother says I run this family like a squad.” He paused. “And maybe I do. But it's all I know.”
Lo'ak was beginning to become really confused. “Dad what are you talkin-” he started.
“My dad used to beat me and my brother as a kid. He was an ex marine and after my mom left us he turned to alcohol. I grew up fast with a quick mouth that usually got me into trouble. I never knew when to back down. After I turned 18 I went into the military myself and well here's where I ended up. That's all I know. That's all I know. When Neteyam was born I swore I wouldn't be like him and that I'd protect this family. And I've done it the only way I know how to. But I can see I've failed you. I've failed to be a good father to you. I'm hard on you not because I don't love you. Because you're a problem. A burden. A chore. No. It's because you remind me of me when I was your age. You are exactly like me and I just- I just don't want you to repeat my mistakes. But you're my son and I am proud of you. I see you.”
Tears began to well up in Lo'ak's eyes again. He began to wonder where they were coming from. Haven't I cried enough? He thought.
Jake panicked. “Hey no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you more sad.” He said. “Im sorry-”
“NO” Jake paused.
“No sorry. I mean- UGH” Lo'ak was getting frustrated. He's able to be sassy but feelings? That's hard to articulate. “I wasn't crying because of that. It just- I'm getting very overwhelmed with emotions right now.” Lo'ak thought about Neteyam. “I miss him. A lot. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how I could've done something differently. He was my best friend.”
“I wasn't planning on killing myself today. Truly. It's just with him gone I feel even more of a failure. With your constant reminders and since comments. Hearing someone else say what I've been thinking. Hearing you say it. It was the words that tipped the scale.” Lo'ak wondered if he shared too much opting to look at the ocean than at his father.
Jake was ashamed. He had this growing resentment in himself that he'd cause this much hurt. To his own son. “I miss him too. Neteyam. It's by no means an excuse for what I did. My explanation for my actions. But I hope I'll be able to fix our relationship and rebuild your trust in me. Like the plants regrowing after a bad storm.”
Lo'ak looked at him. Netyam he thought. I'm beginning to understand why you defended Dad so vigorously. He leaned his head against Jake. Smiled. “I'd like that," he said.
I wonder… what will this mean for us?