Chapter Text
Nancy took one final look around her room, breathing in the last traces of the familiar lavender scent that drifted around it. The room was still the same, almost frozen in time. But it was missing its essential pieces, the ones she had packed up to take with her to college.
College.
This was it, after everything that had happened. Between the final battle and her dreadful graduation ceremony, Nancy was leaving.
Leaving behind the place she had called home but also desired to leave so desperately just a few years ago. Except, now she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving, leaving behind the kids (although she couldn’t truly refer to them as that anymore considering how old they had gotten, but whatever) or her family, especially not with the lingering fear that Henry was still out there.
Despite watching Eleven stab him through a spike within the mind flayer and witnessing Joyce slice his head off, the apprehension of him coming back remained in Nancy’s mind. It was one of the many things that kept Nancy up at night or had her waking up in cold sweats.
Of course she was glad that most of the group had returned safely and they were now beginning to move on with their lives, but that doesn’t erase any of the trauma all of them now live with.
Sighing, Nancy made her way out of the room, holding onto the door handle a few moments longer after hearing the click of it shutting.
Once she made her way downstairs and outside to everyone who came to watch her leave, it would all be so real, too real. It wouldn’t be an idea or an adventure for the future anymore, Emerson would now be a place that would be of the present in Nancy’s life.
There would be no more breakfasts around the table with her parents and siblings, sometimes including Mike’s friend group or Nancy’s few friends. There would no longer be late nights on the rooftop of The Squawk or lunch dates with Jonathan, Steve and Robin.
At least not for Nancy, Robin, or Jonathan.
The cycle would continue on without them, leaving them to build their own as they started the new chapter of their lives.
But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t visit and see everyone every once in a while. It would be nice, but different, and Nancy didn’t quite like the idea of different. At least not so soon after everything.
Nancy made her way downstairs, taking her time to peak into her siblings room and observe them one last time.
Both Holly and Mike had grown so much, their rooms reflecting it. As much as Nancy didn’t want it to happen, it would have eventually. They definitely weren’t the same 5 and 12 year olds anymore, and Nancy couldn’t imagine dealing with what they went through at an age any younger than she was herself.
She continued her way through the house, taking in every last comforting corner of her childhood home.
Eventually Nancy reached the front door, grabbing the handle to open it but hesitating. She looked back one last time, dreading the fact she wouldn’t be back until Thanksgiving break. But hey, at least she would be back eventually, even if it was just over the break.
Opening the door, Nancy was welcomed to the sight of everyone she now considered family, maybe excluding one or two people. Her mother and Holly stood closest to her, Karen weeping as Holly stroked her back and gave Nancy a bittersweet smile.
Nancy opened her arms to the two of them, almost being knocked back by the force of her mother’s hug. She chuckled, rubbing her sister and mother’s backs while looking for who else had been there.
Lucas and Max stood with Will, all three of them holding up a sign that read “we’ll miss you!” in messy capital letters with a few beautifully designed drawings in the background. Mike was with Steve, loading in the last of her boxes into the back of Robin’s car. Jonathan was standing next to the trunk, speaking with Steve as he watched him load up her stuff. Then there was Robin and Vickie, who were with Dustin while he tried to hide the tears falling from his eyes.
Robin was waving at her with the softest grin on her face, other hand wrapped around Vickie’s waist. Nancy smiled at her, tears now filling her own eyes at the affection coming from the people she loved most.
Leaving them was the last thing she wanted to do right now, she was so comfortable here and so scared something would happen while she was gone. But during one of the many late night drives her and Jonathan had, he’d convinced her that this was the right thing.
So she went along with it, regardless of the weird gut feeling that was telling her it wasn’t.
After her mother soaked the sweater Nancy was wearing with her tears, Holly dragged her off of Nancy, bringing her off to the side to continue comforting her. Nancy immediately made her way over to Lucas, Max, and Will, excited to fully observe the sign they had made her.
She leaned down slightly, placing her hands on her knees. The handwriting of the letters were mix matched and Nancy could probably guess that it was up to Max and Lucas for lettering. Then there were flowers placed around the edges like a border, some fully bloomed and other’s barely beginning too.
It was so sweet and beautiful when you look at it all put together. Nancy smiled, turning her attention to the three teenagers that stood in front of her.
Will was smiling brightly, it reminded Nancy of the little kid he was before the whole mess of the upside down had began. Thinking about it had Nancy holding back a sob, resembling how hard her mother had been crying in Nancy’s arms. She embraced Will in a hug, signaling for Max and Lucas to join in. Max gave Nancy a playful eye roll before doing so, grabbing Lucas’ forearm and dragging him along to hug Nancy as well.
Nancy squeezed them tight, tearing falling onto Will’s shoulder. “I love you guys so much, I hope you know that.” Nancy whispered, resting her head against Max’s. The other three laughed gently, squeezing her just as tight as she had done to them.
After a few more minutes and tears, they pulled apart, Nancy giving them a tender smile before turning to Dustin, Robin, and Vickie.
Tears were practically begging to be shed from Dustin’s eyes, causing Nancy to giggle to herself. Before she could even signal for him to hug her, she was already wrapped in his embrace. Nancy laughed once again, feeling more tears soak the shoulder of her sweater.
Robin and Vickie chuckled from beside them, allowing Dustin his time with Nancy.
“You’re going to visit right? I don’t think I could bear not seeing you for longer than a year Nancy.” Dustin chuckled wetly into Nancy’s shoulder, pulling away not too long afterwards.
She smiled sadly, taking in how grown up Dustin now looked. Nancy felt like it was just yesterday that she had offered him that dance at the Snowball, telling him how he was her favorite out of the group. So it was weird that Dustin was now taller than her and resembling more of a grown man than a little boy.
Nancy brought her hand up to ruffle his hair. “Of course I will doofus, I don’t think I could bear being gone for longer than a year either,” she sighed. Dustin nodded, stepping back as Nancy turned towards Robin and Vickie, or more so just Robin.
Robin had now let go of Vickie’s waist, holding her arms out for Nancy to hug her. Nancy was quick to fall into her, lifting slightly on her toes to rest her head on Robin’s shoulder.
Although Robin was dropping Nancy off at Emerson, they wouldn’t have time to properly exchange goodbye’s. So, now was the time they would hug and maybe cry at little, which the two of them would definitely laugh about on their drive later.
In the very short time they had become friends, Nancy felt like they had grown considerably close. Even though they were still learning things about each other and didn’t have as much history, it just felt so much more different than Nancy’s other friendships. But considering Robin had been Nancy’s first girl best friend since Barb, maybe that was it. But then again, it still didn’t feel the same as Nancy and Barb’s friendship.
It felt like there was this invisible tension, between lingering eye contact or Nancy feeling the slightest bit of jealousy when Robin and Vickie were being all lovey dovey.
But of course Nancy only feels that way in a best friend, totally platonic with a capital P type of way. Not in a way that uncovers a side of Nancy that she’s scared to truly discover and welcome.
Their hug didn’t last as long as the other’s but it was just as comforting for Nancy. She gave Vickie a polite nod before turning to where Mike now stood. Him and Steve had finished packing her belongings into Robin’s car and were now waiting for their exchange with Nancy.
She could see the tears in Mike’s eyes but could tell he wouldn’t let them spill. Nancy also didn’t think she could stand seeing him cry anymore than he had in the past few months. Her brother wasn’t a very emotional person, or at least he never showed it, but after losing one of his closest friends, Nancy could definitely understand the change.
Mike wasn’t quick to open up to a hug, which was his usual self, so Nancy latched onto him in a humorous older sister way. He squeaked at first, coughing out a defensive “hey!” before returning her hug. Nancy giggled into his chest, feeling the warmth of tears continue to trail down her cheeks.
Luckily, Nancy opted to not wear makeup today, taking into consideration that she was most definitely going to cry. If she had, she would probably have to dig through Robin’s trunk for her makeup bag so she could touch it up in the car. Which Nancy did not in fact have the energy for.
So overall, she was grateful for her previous strategic thinking.
Eventually Mike freed himself from Nancy’s grip, leaving her to wipe the tears with her sleeve before turning to Steve and Jonathan. They stood together, both offering Nancy a warm smile.
Ever since their little moment in the Abyss, the two of them had been slowly growing closer to each other. It was nice to see, considering they had been at each other’s throats all because of Nancy herself.
They both came up to Nancy, completely enveloping her in their arms. The warmth from their embrace was extremely comforting, reminding Nancy of the familiarity of the friendship she shared with them.
She was really going to miss them, and everyone else of course. Nancy knew whatever bonds she made at Emerson would never be the same, but that was just the way of life.
Peeling herself out of Jonathan and Steve’s arms, Nancy glanced around at the group one last time. Most of them had started moving towards her front door, crowded in a group.
Her mother had finished crying, a sad smile creasing her features as she hugged Holly and Mike at her sides. Dustin stood with Lucas and Max, the three of them all giving her different variations of a wave. Then Will and Vickie stood farthest from the door, laughing together as they held a distant conversation.
“You ready to go?” Robin now stood beside her, already looking at her as Nancy met her gaze. After taking a quick look back at the group, she glanced back up at the taller girl. “As ready as I’ll ever be,” she huffed out a nervous laugh, her lips spreading into a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Robin nodded, tilting her head towards the car to signal where she would be before making her way to the driver’s door. Nancy returned her focus back to her front door, everyone besides her and Robin now standing in a huddle at the door. As they noticed her attention, each of them waved towards her, everyone now sharing the same smile.
Nancy’s eyes began watering again as she raised her hand to return their waves with her own. After observing everyone one last time, she lowered her hand, taking a deep breath before making her way to Robin’s car. She made her way to the passengers side, giving the group one final wave before sitting in her seat.
Everything about the interior of the vehicle screamed Robin, from the random stickers placed everywhere to the herbal sage scent that Robin always smelled of. Nancy would never admit it out loud but she found it quite nice, a lot better than Jonathan or Steve. Not that they stink or anything, it was just that something about Robin’s scent and demeanor as a whole that was a lot more comforting to Nancy.
She felt Robin tap her shoulder, snapping Nancy out of her thoughts. “You gonna be okay Nance? You just look.. dazed? And not in a bad way of course!” Robin quickly smiled reassuringly, hoping Nancy didn’t receive the wrong message.
Nancy smiled sweetly, “I get what you mean Robin, and yeah, I’ll be okay.” She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and collecting her thoughts. “It’s just that it feels so soon is all.. I mean, with everything that’s happened, going to college just doesn’t feel like my dream anymore. You know?”
Robin nodded as Nancy spoke, a serious look of concentration that made Nancy want to giggle. “Yeah I completely get what you mean. But hey! You can always drop out if you really don’t feel like college is for you anymore.”
She lifted her foot off the break and switched to the acceleration pedal, slowly reversing out of the driveway. “Considering what we’ve all been through, our goals and personalities are honestly just bound to change. So it would make sense if your pre-craziness, Vecna catastrophe dreams don’t make sense anymore.” Robin continued, shrugging as she looked both ways to continue pulling away out of the driveway.
Dropping out of college?
The idea of that sounded like a fever dream to Nancy. She had never even considered that to be a possibility, but that was because it really didn’t seem like her to randomly give up on her lifetime dream of attending Emerson.
But then again, Robin made a fair argument.
Everyone was bound to change in some type of way, whether it be dreams, personality, looks, or all of the above. Regardless, there would definitely be some sort of change with all of them.
Nancy looked towards Robin, lightly shoving her shoulder. “Since when have you gotten so wise Buckley?” She chuckled, watching as Robin’s features brightened with a smile.
“Oh you just don’t even know Wheeler.” Robin turned to Nancy for a quick moment, returning the shove. Both of them chuckled, duplicating each other’s smiles.
They sat in the comfort of each other’s presence for a little bit, enjoying the light rhythm of the song playing and the hum of the car engine. Nancy was watching out of her window, head rested on her hand.
Moments like this would be what Nancy would miss so much. There was so many things about Nancy that so very few people would truly understand, especially considering the very rare thing they had all went through together. So the thought of not getting to share that bond with anyone for a few months was dreadful to Nancy.
Sure, Nancy could call everyone, but it would never be the same as hanging out and comforting each other when they experienced some sort of ptsd.
Nobody would be that close by anymore, and Nancy wouldn’t have the time to find a way home for a weekend.
Actually–
Nancy suddenly remembered that the very person she was riding in the car with would be close enough to her for all of those things. Robin had coincidently found a job nearby Emerson, it was the very reason they were driving together.
But would it be weird?
Yeah they were friends and bonded by trauma the two of them could only understand, but despite how close the two of them had gotten, they were only barely becoming good friends. Besides, wouldn’t it be awkward for Robin to be with Vickie and then Nancy constantly spending time with Robin?
But then again, her and Robin would never be anything more than good friends..
She forced herself to stop thinking about it as she felt a headache begin to form.
Eventually about 20 minutes into their ride, Nancy felt her eyes begin to droop. It would be a little bit of a drive so it wouldn’t hurt to cut off some time by sleeping. She curled herself into her seat, legs curved to the side and head rested against her door.
“Want me to turn the radio down Nance?” Robin called from beside her, hand already reaching towards the volume button. Nancy quickly grabbed Robin’s hand, shaking her head. “No it’s okay, I like this song anyways.”
Robin froze for a brief moment, feeling the warm contact of Nancy’s hand against her’s. Nancy held Robin’s hand for a moment longer, waiting until she received a low hum of confirmation from Robin, returning to her position against the door afterwards.
After a little longer, Nancy finally allowed her eyes to fall shut, Robin’s humming and the buzzing of the tires against asphalt aiding her to sleep.
“Earth to Wheeler? Helloooo?–”
“HUH?” Nancy jumped, scaring Robin along with her.
Realizing it was only Robin waking her up, Nancy immediately relaxed. She chuckled at Robin’s current pose, hands help up in surrender with a terrified look on her face. But all the tension eased away as soon as Robin noticed Nancy was laughing.
“Okay dingus, you scared the life out of me,” Robin huffed, a playful glint in her eyes as she glared at Nancy.
Nancy smiled, noticing that they were completely stopped not too long after. She looked out of the window, realizing she had slept the entire time on their way to Emerson. She felt her stomach drop, the realization now slamming into her like a boulder.
Now this was actually it, Nancy was here, at the college she had dreamed of attending since she could remember. But the excitement she so deeply longed for was failing to make its way into her mind. All Nancy could feel was pure anxiety and nausea, almost hoping this was a dream.
Robin noticed her expression, her demeanor quickly shifting from playful to concerned. She grabbed Nancy’s forearm, beginning to rub light circles with her thumb. “Nance, it’s going to be okay.”
She continued staring out the window, Robin could probably see her eyes drowning in fear.
Then Nancy felt Robin shake her arm slightly, “Nancy, look at me.” Her eyes immediately met Robin’s concerned ones, fright mixing with worry.
“Remember, you can always drop out if it’s too much or if it’s just not for you anymore overall. Plus, we’re all a phone call away– Shit, I’m about a 20 minute drive away I think.” Robin chuckled as she thought about it, searching Nancy’s eyes with the hope she had eased some of the girls nerves.
Nancy gulped.
The thought of Robin willingly offering to drive 20 minutes just because Nancy was having trouble settling in or problems in general was crazy to Nancy. But she would be lying if she said the possibility of seeing Robin again so soon didn’t excite her more than attending Emerson.
But it only excited her in a way where a girl having the chance to be such a close distance from her good friend would, obviously..
Totally.
She smiled at Robin, some of her anxiety now easing away with the reassurance. “Yeah, that would be nice, to have a friend so close.”
Nancy felt lighter when her words were met with Robin’s soft smile. It made Nancy feel calmer, and even her cheeks felt a little warm. Actually, it felt a little warmer in the car in general.
Breaking the sweet moment, Nancy looked away, hearing Robin let out a quiet exhale.
“I guess we should start packing my stuff up, considering you have to make it to your place too.” Nancy sighed, unbuckling her seatbelt and looking back up at Robin for a brief moment. Robin nodded, unlocking the car and following Nancy’s lead of unbuckling her own seatbelt.
They got out of the car, Nancy popping open the trunk as Robin grabbed her leather jacket from the backseat. It was the same one from when they had first actually spent time together, searching for answers about the murders happening in Hawkins. That was almost 2 years ago now, but it felt so much more recent.
Nancy caught herself staring, tearing her eyes away from Robin before the taller girl could notice Nancy’s ogling. But it was simply the pure memory of the jacket, not the way it fit on Robin or anything like that.
She frowned to herself, shoving the thought to the back of her mind and grabbing the two lightest boxes she could find. Robin was now right beside her, taking two boxes like Nancy had done.
Nancy leaned her boxes against Robin’s car for a moment, searching her pockets for her dorm building and room number. Eventually she found it, reading to Robin everything the paper said.
Robin searched the buildings in front of them, spotting Nancy’s designated housing building. “Over there,” she pointed, quickly retreating her hand back under the box she held when it tilted too far for her comfort.
Squinting slightly, Nancy spotted the building, leading the way as they began their walk. Thankfully it wasn’t very far, sparing them the exhaustion of a longer walk while carrying boxes back and forth the parking lot, then up and down stairs.
They reached the dorm building, Nancy swiping her student ID for access to the building. Hearing the click of the lock, she pushed open the door, holding it for Robin to make her way through.
“Why thank you sweetheart.” Robin curtsied, immediately wobbling afterwards to prevent herself from dropping the boxes she held. Nancy bursted out laughing, almost dropping her own boxes.
A laughing fit and playful glare later, the two girls continued their way throughout the dorms.
The common area looked pretty cozy, a few other students already lounging about and sharing their own little conversations. One or two others were sharing some type of chip dip, laughing to themselves as one of them choked on a chip. Nancy could only hope that would be her fitting in like that, sooner than later.
Nancy continued leading the way, eventually finding the stairs. Hearing a dramatic sigh from beside her, she knew her and Robin were hoping and thinking the same thing.
That this would not be as long of a climb as it could possibly be.
Nancy checked her info sheet one more time, reading the line where it said her dorm number.
316
That wasn’t too bad, just three floors. Nancy moved the paper behind her head, hoping Robin could see it. After hearing her hum of approval, they began their walk up the stairs.
About 3 trips later, Robin tripping 12 total times, and dropping about every single box, they finished packing everything into Nancy’s dorm.
Robin was now sprawled out across Nancy’s bed and Nancy was organizing her belongings into the drawers and compartments around the room. She didn’t have to specifically choose and cram things into places since she didn’t have a roommate this semester. But Nancy couldn’t tell if that would be a blessing or a curse.
She finished organizing her clothes into the roll out drawer beneath her bed, brushing off her pants as she stood up. A piece of hair fell from her bun onto her face as she did so, causing Nancy to groan. She blew up at it, lower lip poking out as she did so.
Too focused on the curl, Nancy had barely registered Robin’s chuckling after she finally got the piece of hair under control. She glared at Robin, “And what is so funny in particular Buckley?”
Robin’s lips split into a sly grin as she sat up. “It’s just so adorable–“
Nancy felt her cheeks grow warm, eyes widening. Robin quickly paused, fumbling over her words as she tried to correct herself.
“I obviously just meant it’s so admirable–! Yeah!..” Robin trailed off, quickly searching for a way to better explain what she meant. “Admirable because of how determined you were to get that hair out of your face..”
Her grin had now become the epitome of shy, a light pink shading her cheeks that tinted her freckles a tiny bit darker than their usual color. Not that Nancy specifically knew the usual color of Robin’s freckles.
Nancy simply nodded, hoping to quickly move on from the moment the two of them had just shared.
“You wanna come take a break? You’ve been putting things away for like, 2 hours now.” Robin looked at her watch as she spoke, returning her eyes back to rest on Nancy after she calculated the minutes.
But Nancy just shrugged in response, a subtle grin creeping across her face. “Just because you get tired after doing this for 3 seconds, doesn’t mean that happens to the rest of us sweetheart.” She emphasized her tone as she said sweetheart, using finger quotes to really tease Robin.
Yet her teasing was only met with a glare, Robin replicating the same grin that was lighting up Nancy’s face.
“Well just because some of us enjoy our much needed rest, darling–“ She paused, mocking Nancy’s air quotes as she uttered the word darling. “Doesn’t mean we’re all as punctual and structured as you Wheeler.”
Nancy rolled her eyes, turning towards the desk in front of her bed and grabbed the box beside her clothing drawer. She heard Robin get up from the bed, listening closer to see if her footsteps were approaching. Which they were, so Nancy quickly pretended as if she wasn’t listening in and went on with organizing items onto her desk.
She felt Robin’s presence beside her but didn’t turn towards her, focusing on placing the last few things on her desk. The two of them sat in silence as she did so, both anxious for the relief of Nancy finally getting all settled in to her dorm.
Fixing up the last stack of composition notebooks, Nancy dusted her hands together, listening to Robin whoop in victory from beside her. Nancy turned towards her, holding her hand up towards Robin for a high five. She felt Robin’s hand clap against hers, both of them smiling warmly at each other.
Their eyes lingered on each other for just a moment longer, Nancy noticing freckles in spots on Robin’s face that she had never seen before. She wanted to reach out and poke one, but quickly stopped herself when she realized that was extremely creepy on her part.
She pulled her eyes off of Robin, breaking the moment between them. But surely there wasn’t even a moment to begin with, right?
That’s what Nancy told herself at least, turning around to observe her new home for the next few months.
The air didn’t smell of lavender like her bedroom at home, it didn’t even feel like a place Nancy would consider calling home despite having unpacked and decorated the place to her liking.
As if Robin could sense the uneasiness coursing through Nancy once again, she hooked her arm around Nancy’s shoulder. “It looks perfect Nancy, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Robin chuckled.
Nancy shook her head, slightly leaning into Robin. “It’s not that.. it just doesn’t feel like home, which I know it’s silly considering it literally isn’t home but..” Nancy stopped herself, sighing as she fully leaned her head on Robin’s shoulder.
“It’s not what you hoped or expected?” Robin finished her sentence, practically taking the words from Nancy’s mouth.
She chuckled, smiling sadly as she did so. “Yeah. I guess after dreaming about this opportunity for over 8 years, I expected to feel something more. And then, I’m not even excited for my studies… Which is like, so not me!” Nancy threw her hands up in the air, listening to them make a slap sound as they hit her thighs.
Robin sighed, “Maybe you’ve changed then Nancy, maybe you’re just not the you that you were before everything happened.”
There was a pause between them, Nancy taking a moment to process what Robin was telling her.
“But I’m so scared to be someone different, it was enough that I had to leave my home, now I’m becoming someone new?” Nancy’s voice cracked at the last few words, eyes watering.
She felt Robin squeeze her tightly, resting her head on top of Nancy’s.
“We all share that feeling with you Wheeler, I promise.”
Nancy closed her eyes, tears escaping from beneath her lashes.
They sat like that for a few minutes, bathing in the comforting presence of each other. But unfortunately, Robin had to get going at some point, having her own place to settle into.
The two of them took their time walking to Robin’s car, letting the buzzing life of Emerson envelop them.
When they reached outside the sun was about to start setting and Nancy felt bad. She felt like she had held up Robin from getting comfortable in her own home sooner. But before Nancy could say something, they reached Robin’s car.
Nancy sighed, tucking her hands into her back pockets. Robin fumbled with her keys as she unlocked her car door. She was about to shut the door before she stopped herself.
“Oh! Before I forget, I meant to give you my new number. I wrote it down when I got it from the landlord, just in case I lost your number.” Robin pulled out a piece of paper from her center console, straightening out a few crumples before holding it out for Nancy to take.
She had a sheepish grin on her face, like she was nervous to be giving her number to Nancy. It was kind of adorable, or admirable as Robin said.
Nancy took the piece of paper from Robin, folding it neatly before sliding it into her back pocket. She smiled, “I’m sure it’ll be put to good use.” Looking back up, Nancy saw the grin on Robin’s face brighten slightly.
“Well I’m glad, but unfortunately we must conclude our time together now.” Robin frowned, using her finger to make a tear drop motion like it was rolling down her cheek. Nancy giggled, a soft smile lightening her face.
“I’ll be sure to call you Buckley, now go get settled in and enjoy the comfort of your new place.” Nancy made a shooing motion, watching as Robin returned her smile once more.
She brought two fingers to her forehead, flicking them towards Nancy before she began pulling off.
As Robin drove farther away, Nancy had to restrain herself from calling out to her and running after her car. She had a life to live at Emerson now and Robin had a job to work and also a girlfriend. So it would be totally weird if Nancy was with Robin 24/7 anyways.
Nancy dropped the thought, turning back towards the direction of her dorm building. She let out a breath she wasn’t aware she was holding in, feeling a slight release of tension.
This was actually it.
Nancy was now alone, off to face the life of college, meeting new people and studying what she’d dreamed of.
With Robin not too far away or as Nancy liked to put it, close by.