Work Text:
Mom
Today 6:00 PM
MomShane, it's dinner time.
Today 7:14 PM
MomShane, baby, your food's going to get cold if you don't come in soon.
Today 7:45 PM
MomShane, you've been out there since noon. Please come in and eat dinner, and then you can go back to ruining our garage door with your slapshot.
Today 10:23 PM
MomI'm very proud of your work ethic. Please put the net away and lock the back door before you come to bed, and don't let me find you out there past midnight again. ❤️
Alexei
Alexei:move your nasty hockey gear
Ilya:shut up alexei
Alexei:i have a girl coming over and your shit stinks like a dead animal
Ilya:move it yourself
Alexei: i'm dropping it out the window if you don't move it right now
Ilya:fuck off
Alexei sent a photo
Ilya:those are fucking expensive skates what the fuck
Alexei: go buy new ones asshole
Lily
Lily: fuck the lockout
Jane: Fuck the lockout.
Lily: you think briere and giroux are fucking
Jane: Fuck Claude Giroux.
Lily: yes yes, I know, we hate him and also all of philadelphia. but also, you think he is getting laid?
Jane: wtf, why would I know?
Lily: Just wondering if giroux is getting some dick out of parenting those kids for briere, or if he is being paid in shitty grilled cheese and bad german beer
Jane:Danny Briere's made grilled cheese for you before?
Lily: No. He is from montreal, dont have to try it to know his cooking sucks
Mike
Ilya: sorry ur boyfriend stuck in columbus :(
this user has blocked you
Jeff
Ilya: sorry ur boyfriend stuck in la :(
this user has blocked you
Lily
Lily: You think chu and oulette are fucking?
Jane: wtf
Jane:No, they hate each other?
Lily:yes, definitely no hockey players who hate each other ever fuck each other
Jane:Shut up.
Lily: I think they fucking. fifty dollars they eating pussy right now
Jane:Jesus Christ, I have a game in like, forty minutes.
Lily: something to think about during warmups 😘
Lily
Lily: you think benn and seguin are fucking?
Jane: Rosanov, not everyone is fucking!
Lily: yeah, we special
Jane: ...It'd be hot though.
Lily: room 1954
Jane thumbs upped this text
Jane
Jane: So about tonight…
Jane sent a photoJane sent a photo
Lily: jesus christ what happened to your face
Jane: I think I might have the mumps?
Lily:you think???
Lily:I am not fucking you like this
Jane: I think I should probably quarantine? So you don't get it?
Lily: you look like miss piggy got stung by swarm of bees
Jane: Fuck you, Ilya.
Lily:okay, fine, I still fuck you, but only from behind
Jane: I have to quarantine!!!
Lily:no missionary until you not lumpy fuck anymore
Jane: I'm not fucking you anymore.
Lily: liar. who else will suck your dick when you have hideous face lump???
Jane
Lily:is craig mctavish sucking gary bettman's dick
Jane:Jesus Christ, not a mental image I wanted.
Jane:wtf, Ilya?
Lily:is only reason I can think they keep winning draft lottery
Jane:Oh my god, again?
Lily:you not watching?
Jane:My dad forced my mom and I to have "family time” today
Lily: oh no, how sad for you :( your father love you and want you to enjoy yourself and not just jerk off to nhl network for another twelve hours :((((
Jane:I have never jerked off to the NHL Network.
Lily: you do when lundqvist on the screen
Jane: I do not!!
Lily:you do when i am on screen
Jane is typing...Jane is typing...
Jane: I plead the fifth.
Jane
Lily:when did you jerk off to me on tv?
Jane: Fuck off, Rosanov.
Lily: you can't plead fifth, that is american law. you're sad and alone in your parents basement in ottawa
Jane: I could be out right now.
Lily: are you?
Jane is typing...Jane is typing...
Jane: no
Lily:okay, what interview? Was it the fifty goal one? i was very sexy that time
Jane: It wasn't an interview.
Lily:?!?!
Lily:hollander tell me
Lily:what got you so hard you had to jerk off to my beautiful face on tv
Lily:tell me or I will not eat you out next time we fuck
Jane: the fucking…
Jane:the Bauer commercial
Jane: with the puck handling
Lily: ooooh yes i am very sexy in that one
Lily:soft hands
Lily:You like my soft hands, hollander?
Jane is typing...Jane is typing...
Lily: We play montreal next week, I show you more puck handling then. Maybe you learn something.
Jane:Fuck you.
русские придурки
Artemi
fucking americans
everyone liked this text
Ilya
fucking canadians
everyone liked this text
Vladimir
New place opened with pretty good pelmeni here, when you’re in St. Louis.
Vladimir shared a pinned location
everyone liked this text
Evgeni
fucking swedes
everyone liked this text
Tyler
Ilya:tyler ur boy is missing out
Tyler: ???
Tyler: who is this
Ilya: ilya
Ilya:rosanov
Tyler:wtf
Ilya:tell him to be better lover
Ilya:or switch to guys if he doesn't appreciate a beautiful box
Tyler:this is literally the first time you've texted me where did you even get my number?
Ilya loved this text
Lily
Lily:Should I date Kessel?
Jane: Phil????
Lily:No, his hot sister. She very fast, very good backhand.
Jane: Phil would kill you.
Lily:I'm not afraid of Phil Kessel. He only have one ball.
Jane: I would kill you
Lily: Fine.
Lily:We work on your backhand tonight, though.
Lily
Lily:Shane where are you?
Jane:wtf Ilya. I thought work on my backhand was a euphemism.
Jane:I'm in the bedroom.
Lily:Come out to garage, we work on backhand first, then I fuck you.
Jane: Fuck you.
Lily:Yes, exactly.
Evgeni
Ilya:evgeni, your twitter likes are public
Evgeni: fuck
Ilya:say hello to the wife and kid for me
Evgeni:fuck you, rosanov
Patrick
Shane:Sharp, your Twitter likes are public.
Patrick:fuck
Shane:Say hello to the wife and kids for me.
Patrick: fuck you, hollander
Lily
Lily:You owe me fifty dollars
Jane: wtf?
Lily:Former women's hockey rivals Ouellette, Chu announce…
Jane: Okay, first of all I never took that bet.
Jane: Second, them dating was not the bet you made.
Jane is typing...Jane is typing...
Jane: Ilya you are not allowed to ask them if you won the actual bet.
iMessage
Shane Hollander has 17 new messages
Hayden
Hayden:the fuck did don cherry just say? was that???
Shane: A slur? Wrong ethnicity, but yeah.
Hayden: :||||| not cool
Hayden:I'm sorry shane
Shane:It is what it is.
Shane:But thanks, Haydes.
Ilya
Ilya: they suspend that shithead
Shane:Yeah, I know. Twitter is pissed.
Ilya:good
Shane:No, I mean. They're pissed at me, for getting him suspended.
Ilya: I will kill them
Shane:You'll kill all of Twitter?
Ilya:yes, they deserve killing
Shane Hollander loved this messageShane Hollander loved this message
Shane
Shane: I just got a call from the front office.
Ilya: ottawa?
Shane: No, the NHL. they want me to, like, publicly forgive him, I guess? Call it a "learning moment…"
Ilya:the fuck
Shane: idk, I probably should.
Ilya:if you forgive that racist raisin I will not fuck you for a year
Shane: You wouldn't.
Ilya:I will not fuck you for a week, at least
Shane Hollander loved this message Shane Hollander loved this message
Ilya
Ilya: I have present for you
Ilya:Flyers captain Giroux arrested, accused of grabbing cop's tush
Shane Hollander loved this text Shane Hollander loved this message
Shane Hollander reacted with !! Shane Hollander reacted with !!
Shane Hollander reacted with HAHAShane Hollander reacted with HAHA
Shane: Come here, I wanna blow you.
Ilya: should share humiliating news about giroux more often
Shane Hollander loved this text Shane Hollander loved this message
Shane
Ilya: Jonathan Toews gave me bag full of organic kale?
Shane:Weren’t you going clubbing tonight?
Ilya: Was at club. Now i’m leaving club with a bag full of kale.
Ilya: Why are you up?? You jerking off??
Shane: Couldn’t sleep.
Ilya: You should try jerking off. I send you sexy picture.
Ilya sent a photo Ilya sent a photo
Shane:That’s not a sexy picture, Ilya.
Ilya: No, is Jonathan Toews’ kale. He grew it himself. Wtf do you even do with kale??
Shane is typing...Shane is typing...
Ilya: if you send me kale recipes you don’t get a sexy photo to jerk off to when I get back to hotel
Shane:Get back safe, Babe.
Ilya: 🍆 🍆 🍆 🩵
Ilya
Shane:Ilya, did you do the laundry?
Ilya: you welcome, babe
Shane:Where's my jock?
Ilya:your what?
Shane:My lucky jock? It's not in the drawer?
Ilya:What are you talking about?
Shane:Did you wash my fucking lucky jock???
Ilya is typing...Shane is typing...
Ilya: oh no, so sorry babe!
Ilya:I did not know it was in there!!
Ilya:I take you to get new one!
Shane: I've had that for twelve years! I can't just get a new one!!!
Ilya:so sorry!! what a mistake!!!
Hayden
Ilya Rosanov received five hundred dollars from Hayden PikeIlya Rosanov received five hundred dollars from Hayden Pike
Hayden: for services rendered
Ilya:was service to us all 🫡
Connors
Connors:hang on, did you get the mumps from fucking hollander back in 2014?
Ilya:…no?
Connors: and then give it to our entire fucking team???
Ilya: … nooooooo why would i do that
Connors:fuck you, i'm homophobic now
Ilya:fair