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If people were to rank their crushes on a scale of one to ten based on how pathetic they were, with ten being the most transparently hopeless crush in the history of the universe, Koushi would probably put his thing for Daichi around a 13.5.
Come on, look at the guy. He was way out of Koushi’s league; sincere, good looking, responsible, in a college prep class (to say nothing of the fact that Koushi was in the same class), not to mention destined to be the captain of the Karasuno volleyball team. Plus, one of his friends on the girl’s team was definitely into him. With those odds, Daichi would never even look twice at Koushi.
And to top it all off, he was totally, awfully, irrevocably straight. Super hetero. Had never checked out another guy even once. Probably didn’t even know it was an option, at least not for him. Koushi was definitely pathetic, and extra-specially screwed.
“You don’t know that,” Asahi interjected from where he sat across from Koushi. They were given practice off, and had decided to stop at Sakanoshita market to have a few meat buns. The blond guy who manned the register still didn’t like the rest of the volleyball team, but the two of them were quiet enough that he didn’t put up much of a fight.
Koushi groaned. “Of course I know that I’m screwed. Have you not even been paying attention to anything I’ve been saying the past few months?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean you don’t know that Daichi is straight.” Asahi fixed him with a hard stare–a rare occurrence from him. “And you’re not screwed. Or pathetic. You’re just being dramatic.”
“He’s straight,” Koushi countered. “Have you seen him? Of course he’s straight. It’s like a known law of the universe: the Earth orbits around the Sun, we’re all going to die someday, and guys like Daichi are straight.”
Asahi sighed. “I can’t believe anyone ever thinks of you as the reasonable one.”
“If I didn’t need to whip you into shape for being a giant wuss all the time, no one would think that. And I’m being perfectly reasonable.”
“Whatever.” Asahi stood, grabbing his bag from the back of his chair. “I have a test to study for. Please consider talking to Daichi about this instead of me next time. For once.”
“I won’t. See you for practice tomorrow morning.”
Asahi rolled his eyes and exited the store, leaving Koushi to stew in his own misery.
Yeah. His crush was majorly pathetic.
***
The process of falling for Daichi had been relatively simple. It had happened without Koushi even noticing actually. Daichi had a gravitational pull that brought people to him, and Koushi certainly wasn’t immune to it. For a solid year he managed to stay in the happy delusion that the feelings he got from being around Daichi were perfectly normal and platonic.
When he finally realized that his feelings were decidedly not platonic…Koushi isn’t sure he had ever truly experienced grief before that.
And now, Koushi was stuck with a heart that couldn’t decide if it wanted to feel warm and fuzzy or achingly empty, and two best friends who were either sick of dealing with his pining, or who couldn’t help because they caused the pining to begin with.
“Hey, Suga!”
Speaking of pining…
Koushi turned to where Daichi was chasing after him, a smile spreading across his face without his permission. Daichi just had that effect on people.
“Hey Daichi. Whatcha doing here so early?” Daichi had caught up to him at this point, his breathing still perfectly measured and even after running over (which, Koushi needed to stop thinking about Daichi’s endurance right now before he went down a dangerous spiral). He grinned back at Koushi, and oh, he could just melt.
“I could ask you the same question.”
Koushi plucked the gym keys from his pocket, waving them in front of Daichi’s face. “Asked Kurokawa-san for these last night. Wanted to get some extra drills in before practice.”
Daichi hummed in satisfaction. “Thought so. Mind if I join you for some spiking practice?”
And, if the implication that Daichi had arrived at school early on the chance that Koushi would be there to practice with sparked something warm in Koushi’s chest, well…that was his business and his alone.
***
The nice thing about practicing with Daichi was that it was almost impossible not to focus. Daichi had such an incredible drive, an aura that emanated a need for improvement. It was infectious. Regardless of Koushi’s more complex feelings for him off the court, he was always able to concentrate the moment they were in front of a net when Daichi was around.
Pre-practice practices were pretty much the only time Koushi could be around Daichi one-on-one without feeling weird anymore. And he was glad for it too, because volleyball was where they saw each other the most, so Daichi wouldn’t have much reason to grow suspicious of Koushi’s recent shift in behavior towards him.
They were hard at work for a solid hour, switching between passing and diving drills to spiking practice until the rest of the team showed up. As they left the court to stretch with the others, Koushi let his eyes linger, for just a moment, on the flex of Daichi’s thighs. When he looked up, Asahi was staring at him with a raised eyebrow.
Koushi was just about to stick his tongue out at him, but then Nishanoya popped up out of nowhere and physically dragged Asahi to a spot in the corner to stretch with him, a stark blush splashed across Asahi’s cheeks at the contact. God, if only Koushi could tease him for that without being called a hypocrite.
And then Daichi called him over, patting the space next to him, and Koushi forced a smile on his face to hide all inner turmoil.
***
And so it went. Daichi continued to be perfect and beautiful. Koushi continued to watch him being perfect and beautiful. Asahi continued to roll his eyes at his whining, but endured it nonetheless.
Every day, Koushi settled more and more into the life he chose for himself, pining helplessly from afar. It was hard, yes, but it was better than not talking to Daichi at all, which is what would inevitably happen if Daichi found out about Koushi’s feelings. Because Daichi was one of the most forgiving people Koushi knew, but Koushi wasn’t sure he would be able to handle the awkwardness, the pity in Daichi’s voice if he ever knew. He could barely stand the thought.
So, Koushi didn’t say anything, and Daichi continued to be kind and, blissfully, oblivious. And it was fine. Koushi was fine.
But one day, suddenly and unexpectedly, there was a breaking point.
They were at lunch, sitting outside in the fine May sunshine. Asahi had blown them off (probably for Noya, Koushi thought bitterly), so it was just him and Daichi.
Koushi ate his bento happily, listening to Daichi outlining strategy ideas for their upcoming Interhigh games between bites of sandwich. The air was just the right temperature, and there was a slight breeze rustling through Daichi’s hair. Koushi felt warm and content all over.
Until Kaneko from Class 3 walked up to their table.
She cleared her throat, and Daichi cut himself off, both of them looking up at her. She was a petit girl with big, doe-like eyes, and long, straight hair she had pulled back into a ponytail. She was fidgeting with the front of her skirt, pinching and unpinching the fabric nervously, but her expression was resolute, her gaze firmly set on Daichi.
Koushi felt his stomach drop unpleasantly before the words even left her mouth.
“Sawamura-kun, could I talk to you?”
Daichi looked up at her, before shooting a glance over to Koushi. Koushi tried to offer his best reassuring smile, but he figured it probably came out more like a grimace. Regardless, Daichi seemed to take it for the permission it was, standing up.
“Sure, Kaneko-chan. Is over there okay?”
Koushi glumly shoved a piece of cucumber in his mouth as he watched them walk into some nearby shade. They were far enough away that Koushi couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was easy to guess. Anyone with half a brain would’ve been able to tell what was going on.
Kaneko stopped talking, waiting expectantly for Daichi’s response. Koushi bit back a sigh. He knew that, objectively, Kaneko was quite pretty, and very intelligent. If Daichi was smart (which he was), he would accept her confession, and then they would start going out, and Koushi would have to get over his stupid crush because the guilt he would feel pining over Daichi if he was taken would be too much. Because, at the end of the day, he just wanted Daichi to be happy.
So he watched, expecting Daichi to nod his head any second now, and Kaneko’s face to light up in a smile, the type of smile that Daichi inspired out of everyone he talked to. But, that wasn’t what happened. Instead–
Daichi’s eyes flickered to Koushi, just for a second, a conflicted look on his face.
And it was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head, because suddenly, Koushi was sure, with crystal clarity, that Daichi knew.
Daichi said something, and then bowed, and Kaneko looked disappointed but she nodded and left without much fuss. It didn’t help Koushi feel any better, even when Daichi walked back to the table with a grin on his face, apologizing for the interruption, and all Koushi could do was nod numbly.
He didn’t say much for the rest of the lunch period, his heart still beating double-time in his chest, and Daichi was nice enough to pretend not to notice. Just like he was nice enough to pretend not to notice Koushi’s massive crush, and god, Koushi was pathetic.
Koushi wasn’t able to pay attention in class for the rest of the day, his mind still swirling from his terrible revelation earlier. Normally, he would ask Daichi for the notes he missed, but the idea of talking to Daichi right now made him feel like a swarm of bees had invaded his stomach, buzzing around and poking at the lining.
Practice went by quickly, which Koushi was grateful for. Asahi kept shooting him concerned looks, but Koushi ignored them all, throwing himself completely into setting the ball the best he could. He was aching all over by the end of it, and his legs were already beginning to feel like lead, but the pain was better than thinking about the humiliating realization from just hours before.
He changed quickly once they were released, not wanting to offer Asahi the chance to catch him alone. He wasn’t ready to talk about it, not tonight. One of the upperclassmen offered to buy them all meat buns, but Koushi ignored him, stepping out into the cool night air before anyone could stop him.
He was at the gate, looking forward to taking a long, hot shower when he got home, and a nice, restless sleep, when his luck ran out.
“Suga! Hold up!”
Of course. What else did Koushi expect.
He considered ignoring Daichi, acting like he hadn’t heard him. Daichi would take the hint well enough, but even in these circumstances Koushi just couldn’t stand the idea of Daichi thinking he was avoiding him (even if it was true).
So, he mustered up what little bravery he had, and turned to face him.
“Daichi.” He tried to sound upbeat, but it probably fell flat. “I thought you would’ve gone for meat buns with the others.”
Daichi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Eh, not hungry.” Fundamentally untrue, Daichi was always hungry. “Besides, you ran off so quickly, I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Oh.”
They stood in silence for a few moments, before Daichi stepped forward. “Mind if I walk you home?”
Koushi’s chest tightened, every instinct screaming at him to decline, because he just couldn’t be alone with Daichi, not right now.
But, Koushi was also a selfish man, and if he wanted to keep Daichi, he needed to prove these stupid feelings wouldn’t affect their relationship at all.
So he nodded, continuing to walk and allowing Daichi to fall into stride with him. Koushi couldn’t find anything to say, but Daichi filled up the silence for him, chattering on about practice today, and what his mom was making for dinner, and the book he was reading. Daichi was good at that–filling silences and making others feel more comfortable. Koushi tried to enjoy it.
However, it was near impossible to feel gratitude for Daichi right now with the thoughts bouncing around his head. If Daichi already knew, why was he even bothering to be around Koushi? He was nice, sure, but even he should know what would happen the more he gave his time to Koushi. He didn’t have to be here; he could be with Kaneko right now, but he had rejected her, all because Koushi had been watching.
It was this thought, ultimately, that caused Koushi to stop walking suddenly, trying to fight off a sudden wave of guilty nausea.
“Suga? Are you alright?” Daichi was at his side, gripping his shoulder lightly. Koushi suppressed a shudder at the touch, but Daichi seemed to get the memo anyway, retracting his hand with a frown. “Do you need to sit down?”
The concerned crease of Daichi’s eyebrows was his breaking point. “You don’t need to be doing this, you know.”
Daichi looked taken aback. “Doing what?”
“All of it. You–you’re so nice, but you don’t need to be.”
Daichi’s frown deepened as he looked at him. “C’mon Suga, what’s this really about?”
Koushi inhaled shakily. “I’ll be alright to walk home.” He shook his head minutely. “Why don’t you go find Kaneko or something? I know you think she’s pretty, and you didn’t need to reject her on my account.”
Daichi began shaking his head, like he had no idea what Koushi was talking about, but the knowing glint in his eyes gave him away. “Suga, that’s not–”
“Daichi.”
He fell silent, his lips pressed into a hard line, and it was all the confirmation Koushi needed. He sighed, running an anxious hand through his hair.
“So?” he said, staring vaguely over Daichi’s shoulder just so he wouldn’t look him in the eye. “Did Asahi tell you or something?”
Daichi paused, then shook his head minutely. Koushi tsked.
“Didn’t think so. Guess I was just pretty obvious, huh.” He tried to inject some humor into the statement, but the words sounded stale even to his own ears.
“Suga, I–”
“It’s fine, Daichi.” He held up a placating hand. “I’ll get over it. You don’t have to worry about it.”
“No, Suga, that’s–”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Koushi hiked his bag over his shoulder, turning to walk away so Daichi wouldn’t see his face crumbling, the barely held-back tears. He should’ve seen it coming, he knows that. Daichi was too smart to not figure out something as obvious as his best friend being halfway in love with him. And Koushi didn’t even have it in him to be mad at anyone but himself. It wasn’t Daichi’s fault that Koushi couldn’t keep his own heart in check. But it didn’t matter anymore. Koushi was ready to let it go.
Or at least, that’s what he told himself before Daichi’s hand wrapped firmly around his wrist, keeping him in place.
“Suga, please, you’ve got it wrong.”
Koushi didn’t turn back around, but he didn’t try to tug his arm away either. Daichi seemed to take his lack of struggling as a sign to continue.
“I don’t…I don’t really know when I worked it out. That you…” He didn’t finish the sentence. Koushi was glad for it. “I guess it was a gradual thing. I just paid so much attention to you, all of the hints started to build up until I–I just couldn’t ignore what was in front of me anymore.”
Koushi chewed at his lip, but he didn’t pull away, no matter how much he wanted to.
“And I didn’t really know what to do about it. Because, y’know, you’re you, and no matter how much you like to pretend to be the emotionally intelligent one, I knew if I brought it up you would freak out and clam up.” Like you’re doing right now Daichi was too nice to add.
“So, I just let you worry about it instead of saying something, and I’m sorry, because I know how much you overthink things, and I should’ve done something about it, but…” And here it was, the inevitable rejection. Koushi braced himself, clenching his eyes shut involuntarily and hoping the heartbreak wouldn’t be too bad.
“But I’ve never felt the way you make me feel with anyone else.”
Koushi inhaled sharply, turning around without thinking about it. Daichi was staring down at the ground, a small, worried smile on his face.
“And that took me a while to figure out too, and it was terrifying enough on its own, so when I realized I might have a chance, I didn’t know what to do.” Koushi noticed suddenly that Daichi’s hand was trembling where it was still holding onto his wrist. “So I just, I don’t know, didn’t do anything.”
Daichi released a measured exhale after this confession, then looked up, finally meeting Koushi’s gaze.
“I’m sorry, Suga.”
For a moment, there was no sound other than the wind whistling through the trees overhead. The sun was almost done setting, casting warm shadows across Daichi’s cheekbones. Koushi’s heart felt so full at the sudden rush of hope, he thought it might pop.
Finally, he unstuck his tongue from the roof of his mouth. “You really like me?”
Daichi huffed a laugh, that beautiful smile back on his face. “I really, really do.”
Koushi felt the sudden overwhelming urge to do something incredibly stupid, like kiss him. Instead, he reared back and punched Daichi squarely in the shoulder.
Daichi yelped in surprise and pain, releasing Koushi’s wrist as he rubbed at the sore spot. “Jeez, Suga, what was that for?”
Koushi ignored his question, staring intently at him. “You still like me?”
Daichi looked at him incredulously, before allowing a small laugh to leave his mouth, shaking his head. “God, you’re ridiculous. Yes, I still like you.”
It felt like something molten and bright was spreading between his ribs. Koushi felt his grin grow wider, and Daichi’s smile spread in turn, until they were just staring at each other like lovesick idiots in the middle of an empty road. Koushi didn’t care; he had never felt so happy in his life.
“Um, Suga? As much as I enjoy looking at you,” (there was a flutter of warmth in Koushi’s stomach at the words) “do you think we could keep walking? My mom will be wondering where I am.”
Impossibly, Koushi’s smile managed to grow more, and he nodded again, taking his place by Daichi’s side. “Yeah. You can walk me home now.”
Daichi didn’t start walking, so Koushi turned to look at him, just for Daichi to press a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth before he began moving. Suga giggled breathlessly, then ran to catch up. When he got there, Daichi grabbed his hand with the most beautiful look on his face, and Suga felt his chest light up from the inside. Everything was absolutely perfect.
(And the next day, he was overjoyed he finally got to make fun of Asahi for his gigantic crush on Noya without fear of recompense, with Daichi leaning heavily against his side all the while.)